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So upset, don't think dp ever has any intention of marrying me

(80 Posts)
Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:02:21

Long story short, dp and I are in process of buying a house. Got mortgage agreed in principle and found our dream house. Then mortgage collapsed because I'm not currently working meaning dp would have to get the mortgage in his name only. Theoretically we could still move into dream house together but then I'm legally in shit creek without a paddle if ever we broke up. I'd have no legal claim on the house, anything in it or any money put into it if ever we broke up,
So naturally I'm worrying, nervous and reconsidering everything. Dp doesn't understand why as he says he's 100% commuted to me, loves me to bits and sees a long, bright future for us. This doesn't help me legally and do I said I do sometimes worry about his commitment to me (as he can be unpredictable and analyses everything often shedding doubt on our relationship. He insists he is commuted and asks what he can do to prove that .... Isn't it obvious??? I feel so sad about it all, everyone around me is either married or engaged, we have never even discussed it. I have brought it up on occasion but he just doesn't see the big deal. If he's 100% committed to me, is it do unreasonable??

Pandemoniaa Wed 01-May-13 20:55:26

Marriage is supposed to be a state entered into willingly. There are plenty of reasons why people might be reluctant to marry but this reluctance doesn't necessarily mean they are incapable of committing to a permanent relationship. Also, imho, a marriage that you've had to force someone into will not make you feel any more secure emotionally even if it does tie up some legal loose ends.

Spero Wed 01-May-13 21:03:08

She is not trying to force him into marriage, just wants a discussion about the future of their relationship and why he won't marry her when it makes her sad he won't. All perfectly reasonable wants.

But add this to he dog thread and the writing is on the wall in letters thirty foot high.

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 21:18:07

right, you can either go down "the just a piece of paper" route - so just a registery office do, stress the legal side, what happens if he dies or you do, next of kin issues etc.

Or you can carry on as you are, but then you need to consider that whatever he says his actions are showing he wants to be able to get out of yoru relationship as easily as possible, so he must be considering that you aren't forever. Therefore, back to work as soon as possible, even if in the short term with childcare it doesn't make much sense, longer term you might need that security. I'd hold back your deposit and buy a buy to let if you can. It at least will give you something should he decide to throw you and your DCs out.

I'd be quite happy to tell him you are arranging things this way. He can't expect you to commit to him if he's not prepared to commit to you.

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 21:18:42

oh, and buying a house is not a commitment to you, it's a commitment to the mortgage company and a financial investment. Not a sign of a long and happy future together.

lemonstartree Wed 01-May-13 22:43:27

I believe that my DP is as perfect for me as you can get. I adore him and want to be with him forever; but I have been married before and once you strip out the romance, marriage is a legal contact with financial obligations (on both sides) You CANT get divorced as 'easy as pie" Its a complex , often painful, expensive and difficult experience. I also have this issue about vows. My ExH did not respect his vows and so we were divorced; but I still have an issue with doing the whole 'till death us do part' again. Because if DP behaved to me as ExH did I would dump him quick smart, vows or no vows.... so marriage is about TRUST, and legal stuff and money - and not romance.

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