Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So upset, don't think dp ever has any intention of marrying me

(80 Posts)
Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:02:21

Long story short, dp and I are in process of buying a house. Got mortgage agreed in principle and found our dream house. Then mortgage collapsed because I'm not currently working meaning dp would have to get the mortgage in his name only. Theoretically we could still move into dream house together but then I'm legally in shit creek without a paddle if ever we broke up. I'd have no legal claim on the house, anything in it or any money put into it if ever we broke up,
So naturally I'm worrying, nervous and reconsidering everything. Dp doesn't understand why as he says he's 100% commuted to me, loves me to bits and sees a long, bright future for us. This doesn't help me legally and do I said I do sometimes worry about his commitment to me (as he can be unpredictable and analyses everything often shedding doubt on our relationship. He insists he is commuted and asks what he can do to prove that .... Isn't it obvious??? I feel so sad about it all, everyone around me is either married or engaged, we have never even discussed it. I have brought it up on occasion but he just doesn't see the big deal. If he's 100% committed to me, is it do unreasonable??

Llareggub Wed 01-May-13 08:19:41

So where do you go from here?

Smiledisarm Wed 01-May-13 08:28:31

Not really sure, he did say if it was that important to me he probably would to keep me happy but that it will always be nothing more than a bit of paper to him. Not quite the marriage I had in mind.

WorrySighWorrySigh Wed 01-May-13 08:32:34

Is he willing to go down the 'non married but as secure as you can be' route?

- mutual wills
- statements about being Next of Kin for each other
- naming you as beneficiary for his pension

That kind of thing?

If not then in your shoes I would not be looking to make any long term commitments in terms of having children or making anything other than day to day contributions to the running of the household.

WorrySighWorrySigh Wed 01-May-13 08:35:10

My DH went along with marrying me because it was what I wanted (I did the asking). Over the years he has come to realise that it is a lot more than just a bit of paper.

I actually think if someone has been through a bad, unhappy or disastrous marriage it is understandable that they might not want to repeat or are wary of the experience. I also know people who took their vows very seriously, are devastated the marriage failed, and don't believe they can make the vows again.

I also understand that for some people being married means a lot. I'm not sure whether I see it as the dealbreaker some do, IF there is total parity - jointly owned property, mutual wills, pensions etc as worry said.

As was said earlier, you can be on deeds and mortgages without being married. My ex and I weren't married but we were 50% each tenants in common and owned a properly equally.

I know many couples who aren't married who have been together 10, 15, 20, 25 years. I know a lot of couples who married and didn't reach their 7th anniversary.

diddl Wed 01-May-13 08:59:31

But it has been three years!

And it is marriage to his ex that went wrong.

Doesn't mean that marriage to OP will.

That's such a fucking cop out.

MorrisZapp Wed 01-May-13 09:00:23

I can see his point. If the vows etc of marriage can be broken easily then why make them again.

I'm not married. DP and I have been together for 14 years. We have a house together, and now wee DS too. We're both in it for the long haul. I feel happy and secure.

I don't know why women want/need the whole Mrs thing to feel loved and valued. I've got my own identity just like he has, but we're no less committed than our married friends, who break up just as easily and regularly as our unmarried ones.

diddl - we are ALL different. If someone has a bad experience they are perfectly entitled not to repeat it, whether it's going on a rollercoaster at Alton Towers, flying, or marriage. Doesn't matter whether it is one year, three years or ten years. Of course it's not a fucking cop-out, it's how THEY feel and they are entitled to that, just as the OP is entitled to feel marriage is essential for her.

And for some, those vows ARE very important. Personally, I find it odd that people will marry for a third time if they have been divorced twice, as it suggests the vows mean absolutely nothing. I also have an issue with people who agree to get married just because the other person wants it, for again, it surely indicates the vows and the act actually mean nothing to them.

Some people DO only see marriage as a bit of paper - for them, being with someone who loves them and who they love is sufficient. That's perfectly fine too.

It all comes down to a question of whether it is a dealbreaker for the OP. If there is no movement on his side and for her being with him and in love with him without being married isn't enough, then she should leave and find someone who does want to get married, just as people would say if she wanted children and he didn't.

But it isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for everyone.

littlecrystal Wed 01-May-13 09:13:18

I can also see his point even though I understand the wish to get married. Could you do some sort of blessing at church instead of full marriage, to have that white dress day?
I also suggest to get a job so you don't need to depend on your partner.

Don’t waste time on a man who at best can offer you a “maybe” to having a future with him. He may well marry again - but not to you.

Nicole007 Wed 01-May-13 09:22:27

If its just the legal position thing that worries u for not much money u can get a joint tenants/ tenants in common agreement draw up at solicitors which outlines who puts in what and who gets what in result of breakup/ sale of property to protect u given that u are not married. I did this before I married my now DH. Not expensive to do.

BTW you can still be added to the mortgage even though you are not working.

diddl Wed 01-May-13 09:26:17

Yes of course we are different, and it didn't work for him before.

But it's a whole new set of circs now.

It wasn't the marriage certificate that made it go wrong, butthe people involved.

I'm not married to feel loved & valued-I wanted to be next of kin & for children to be recognised as my husband's at birth-not for him to have to declare that he was the father.

Living with someone wasn't for me & I met someone who felt the same.

That's the problem, isn't it-different "values"?

Would hint to me at being incompatible tbh.

diddl - Indeed. But different values do not necessarily mean it's a "fucking cop out".

Branleuse Wed 01-May-13 09:35:47

if you care more about the marriage than the partner and the relationship, then the relationship is fucked anyway.

Branleuse Wed 01-May-13 09:38:11

marriage is not a commitment. you can get divorced easy as pie.
people get married and divorced all the time.

commitment is trust.
if you don't trust he wants to stay with you without marriage then it holds no hope for a marriage lasting anyway

noddyholder Wed 01-May-13 10:00:39

Wait until you are back at work and then make that commitment to buying a house together. Why don't women ever think of getting their finances etc straight regardless of a man? My dp would marry I wouldn't and he had to accept that for us to stay together but I do not rely on him financially at all and my day to day life from that POV would be unchanged if we split

noddyholder Wed 01-May-13 10:03:05

Also why do you think he is not worried about the 'legals'?

cuillereasoupe Wed 01-May-13 18:05:47

I'm going to go against the grain: his desire not to get married is equally valid to your desire to get married and by no means can it be taken as a sign that he isn't committed. But you do need to talk about it.

ShatterResistant Wed 01-May-13 18:26:38

Something for you to consider, gleaned from my own sorry past: is this long, bright future of which he speaks contingent on you suppressing all your wants and needs? (I have read your dog thread.) Also, IMO, buying a house with someone is a huge commitment, with potentially life-long financial consequences. That applies even more if you're putting cash down but name won't even be on the deeds!!

EvenBetter Wed 01-May-13 18:47:24

Judging by your other thread, he doesn't consider your dreams or views valid or significant at all. Theres a unanimous AIBU verdict saying you should run for the hills on just a few details, I suspect a more in depth depiction of your boyfriends behaviour would be even worse.

Spero Wed 01-May-13 18:55:56

So he won't even discuss getting the dog you want? Are you not seeing the pattern yet?

Squitten Wed 01-May-13 19:02:25

Just read your AIBU thread.

Your problems are bigger than this OP.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Wed 01-May-13 19:40:57

Sorry this looks as negative as it gets. The reason you have posted is because your instincts are strongly telling you something is very very wrong.
ALWAYS trust your instincts.
He wants his cake and he wants to eat it.
Have pride and be strong otherwise he will always keep you dangling after him. He will always have the upper hand and be in control.
Please do not be fooled.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 19:55:20

two threads and OP not returning to either of them ?

love, I know you are reading

listen

just listen, before you make a massive mistake

do you think all these women on this thread (and the other) wouldn't want to see a happy ending ?

they would

but they won't see it here, and neither will you sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now