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So upset, don't think dp ever has any intention of marrying me

(80 Posts)
Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:02:21

Long story short, dp and I are in process of buying a house. Got mortgage agreed in principle and found our dream house. Then mortgage collapsed because I'm not currently working meaning dp would have to get the mortgage in his name only. Theoretically we could still move into dream house together but then I'm legally in shit creek without a paddle if ever we broke up. I'd have no legal claim on the house, anything in it or any money put into it if ever we broke up,
So naturally I'm worrying, nervous and reconsidering everything. Dp doesn't understand why as he says he's 100% commuted to me, loves me to bits and sees a long, bright future for us. This doesn't help me legally and do I said I do sometimes worry about his commitment to me (as he can be unpredictable and analyses everything often shedding doubt on our relationship. He insists he is commuted and asks what he can do to prove that .... Isn't it obvious??? I feel so sad about it all, everyone around me is either married or engaged, we have never even discussed it. I have brought it up on occasion but he just doesn't see the big deal. If he's 100% committed to me, is it do unreasonable??

Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:03:43

Apologies about typos, I'm on phone

Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:05:57

When I say I've brought it up I mean I have made it clear that I'd like to get married one day (to which I get a "that's nice dear" type response and I once asked if he'd ever remarry to which he said "probably" and then waffled on about something insignificant

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 30-Apr-13 19:06:52

On a purely practical note, your name can be on the deeds of the house without being on the mortgage.

And you could always actually propose to him. grin

Earlybird Tue 30-Apr-13 19:08:54

How long have you been together?
How long have you been out of work?
How old are you?

If marriage is in your future with dp, then it should be done at the right time for the right reasons. Getting married so you can be on the deeds of a house is not the right timing (or reason) imo.

spicegirl13 Tue 30-Apr-13 19:09:43

How long have you been together? My DH was like this for years, he eventually proposed after 10 years (we'd bought a house together in the meantime)

VenusRising Tue 30-Apr-13 19:10:38

I'm so sorry, you do seem very upset.

You may well need to spell it out to him, and make a date in the registry office to sign the forms.

Or have a romantic day, with a church service etc.

Have a chat with a paper and markers: draw all the things that pop into your mind when you go through a list of words that have to do with marriage, swap pages with your dp.

You may well be surprised at what conversations come out of it. Using drawings makes it more fun and may help you to explore the situation and resolve your problem, without resorting to wordy conversations full of resentments and blame gaming.

Good luck!

KingRollo Tue 30-Apr-13 19:11:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 19:11:53

oh honey {hug} I was in these shoes about 12 years ago. 13. I felt so uncomfortable with it. But he had an answer for everything. A reasonable, logical answer for everything.

You will probably totally dismiss everything I'm saying but i would
1) go back to work and insist that childcare is shared
2) use your money to pay a mortgage on a small one bedroom flat or whatever you can afford.

I would tell him that you want to get married! I read through your post and the second time I'm thinking your situation different as you haven't even raised marriage with him?

Have you told him you want to get married?

Do. You must tell him what you want. Dont' be ashamed of having needs. I used to confuse being nice with having no needs.

You're not crazy or needy to want to get married.

However, if he makes you feel perpetually insecure because he won't marry you, or 'grateful' for the half a bone you're tossed, then decide that you can't prioritise this man in your life. You can't pin your life and security on a man who won't commit to you or put your name on the mortgage.

words are easy. It is so easy to say 'oh i love you sugar plum'.

Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:12:05

No I don't want to get married because of the house, just eventually or at some point - the fact that he never even brought it up when talking about our "long and bright future" saddens me because I don't think he ever has any intention of it. Now I know he's desperate to get this house so I'm worried if I bring the marriage thing up he'll pretend that's what he wants so we can secure the house. I just wish he loved me enough to see how important it is to me.

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 19:14:16

oh. hang on. REmarry? This is sliiiiightly different I think. Do you have a child with him?

Weegiemum Tue 30-Apr-13 19:14:51

I'm on the deeds of both our properties (both marital home and previous marital home now a holiday let). But I'm not earning anything apart from my DLA. You can be on deeds without financial contribution.

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 19:16:30

I think you have to tell him that a future of uncertainty is not 'long and bright' from your perspective! it is uncertain and unsettling!!!

There is also a large side order of rejection to go alongside the uncertainty so I can understand why you have put 'long and bright future' in to inverted commas.

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 19:17:15

Tell him with a 'bright' smile that your name can be on the deeds for the house too!

Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:19:00

No we both have children to past relationships and will be having no more either way. He was married a long time before and I know it's stupid but this upsets me too - he thought someone else was good enough to marry and her name was on the mortgages etc etc - they had the years of commitment, the "mr and mrs " letters, the "wife/hubby" talk ... Will I never have that with him? Maybe I'm hormonal but I just want to cry. 33 and never even been engaged. I know marriage is no bed of roses or fairytale but god I think I deserve a shot at it.

KingRollo Tue 30-Apr-13 19:23:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 19:23:34

If you both can't talk about this, then this is a worrying sign for the relationship.

Tell him how you feel. A good relationship is all about communication. I pussyfooted around with this issue for years - turned out he just didn't love me enough. I wish I had had the guts for a real and honest conversation at a much earlier stage.

There is nothing unreasonable about being upset that your partner not only doesn't appear to want to marry you, but also won't talk to you about it. If it upsets you, it is an important issue for both of you, just as you would listen with respect and love to any issue that was important to him.

I get where you're coming from. But it doesn't seem like he understands how important this is to you so you're going to have to spell it out.

KingRollo Tue 30-Apr-13 19:25:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 19:25:28

oh right.

Well in that case I'd tell him that as gorgeous as the dream house is, you want to co-own your dream house, even if it's a smaller and cheaper house.

At least you don't have children with him.

KingRollo Tue 30-Apr-13 19:25:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:27:10

And he'll either laugh at me or act in pure horror at the very suggestion. Both responses will definitely tip me over the edge and have me in tears :-(

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 19:28:15

Spero says she pussyfooted around the issue for years and wishes she'd had the guts for a real and honest conversation years earlier. I agree with that statement. Don't be afraid to start a conversation that will give you the information you need to decide what to do.

KingRollo Tue 30-Apr-13 19:31:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:33:42

My cousin and her partner discuss marriage all the time. They're not intending to get married for another year or do but at least they can discuss it. I feel like I can't do that with dp as he freaks out and says I'm "rushing him" but surely buying a house together is just as much of a commitment?

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