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Things NOT to say to the recently dumped!

(31 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 18:23:22

Bless my friends. On the whole they have been great during my devastation but I have had a few odd comments;
*During an evening round at a friends the day after 'I have carpet burns from too much sex!' agggrrr!
*A kind e-mail from a colleague ' So sorry tpo hera about your news blah blah blah....I am so looking foward to getting shoes to go with my wedding dress, cake ribbon etc!' agggrrrr!
* Don't you put cardboard in the recycling?' when obviosly a complete mess! agggrrrrr!

Am I being over sensitive or is there a bit of smuggery going on?

Feel free to add some real corkers (and cheer me up a bit!)

LeoTheLateBloomer Wed 01-May-13 19:03:13

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you mind if I ask which pill you were on? Your side effects sound very similar to what I've been experiencing.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 01-May-13 18:57:53

I am shock astonished at those remarks, bad enough from friends but your own DM and DSis Lavenderhoney!

Cerubina you too sad what on earth goes through their heads.

Still18atheart Wed 01-May-13 18:53:29

My own dm said to me after my exdp broke up with me the first time "you'll soon get over it", "there's plenty more fish in the sea" at the end of the convo said "oh, sounds like there's for you two". Got back together a week later

Lavenderhoney Wed 01-May-13 18:46:02

I hope things work out for you and i guess at least you can stop taking the pill. i have similar problems and never took it after trying it for a bit. i Here are some remarks I have had.

" but he was perfect! So handsome and earnt so much money! I told you you didn't cook enough Proper Dinners" - dm when I dumped mr perfect about 6 minutes after the ow turned up at our house.

" there's no shame in ringing him and begging him to come back" as above. Like fuck I would. Yep, rather be single!

" Ooh, we all knew but didn't want to tell you, we knew you'd be upset" mutual friends on hearing I had dumped his sorry ass.

" he was so handsome and clever, he was always going to meet someone else" dm

" but look, you have a nice little flat, and its not like you need space and a garden, what with you not having any dc or a bf now, is it" dsis

" oh no, don't forget to change your will- I suppose me and my dc will be on it now, seeing as you are alone and have no one else" dsis

Rather tearful at a party ( tired and emotional) and being asked about how I had no idea of ow in my 6 years with mr perfect. " 6 years!" Said a chap- " takes me 6 months to realise it won't work"

" tick tick!!" Don't leave it too long to get a new bf!" You wasted your child bearing years didnt you! Tick tock" Tosser bf of friend, who laughed! Never saw them again.

" He didnt like you really, why are so you so upset? Hanging round, being miserable" dsis

" he's too good for you, he'll want a model type" dm/ dsis in joint attack.

" where do you find all these awful men? You must attract them, I feel sorry for you, I wouldn't be you for a million pounds" ex friend

" at least he is now with someone he loves, so something good has come out of it". Ex friend.

Cerubina Wed 01-May-13 11:59:59

I've had "Are you in the angry phase yet, or are you still upset?" This being 24 hours after my husband walked out.

And the corker "What's she got that you haven't?!" from my mum, also several complaints about being upset, not being able to sleep etc.

oldwomaninashoe Wed 01-May-13 10:13:08

My son was dumped New Years Eve by the girl he had given up his job for as she insisted that they move in together but in her town over 200 miles away.
He was devastated and heartbroken, and after we persuaded him not to take up the new job he had arranged where she lived, I sat down with him to "talk".

One of the most helpful things he found was to make a list of her bad points, it also made us laugh a lot as we discussed them.
No contact as well is helpful as when he texted her or phoned he was really upset.

skaboy Wed 01-May-13 09:50:40

I must have a really dark sense of humour as I find faux-insensitivity pretty funny at the moment. It actually helps to be able to laugh at the situation. My ex asked why I was resurrecting my dusty guitar and was it because I was joining a band. I replied: 'Yes, a lonely one-man band.' I also refused to buy her some pads the other day when I went shopping because 'It's not my duty any more' (she used to take great delight in finding the funniest things to send me shopping for). She replied that as she had given me 4 kids I still have to buy them (I ended up doing so). I think I might suggest arranging a double date with her and her new bloke, plus me and my invisible girlfriend.

BadLad Wed 01-May-13 09:26:03

"Do you mind if I have a go at chatting her up" is the most insensitive I've ever had.

overtheraenbow Tue 30-Apr-13 20:29:29

From cheating lying stbxh; ' I knew I'd end up being the bad guy in all this' shock

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 20:16:49

Is it ok to say he was a bastard?

and you are probably better off without? smile

Seriously, the angry sex doesn't sound good, if you got bruised and upset.
I do wonder about the anxiety and the rest. If it was really the pill.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 20:11:32

It sounds like he was an arse OP. Sounds rather horrible, actually.

Sympathies.

Separation is always hard, even when the ex has been a negative presence - sometimes especially so.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:57:04

I think what makes it worse is that I only went on the pill as he hates condoms. I have been reading testimonies from others on the same pill and they report anxiety, clingyness, insecurity about their dp, paranoia. One of the reasons why he dumped me ironically was my anxiety. The other was the texting due to anxiety.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:55:26

No I didn't cheat. I get really bad pmt on the pill. The pill makes me go psychotic. I flew off the handle about something, we had wierd, angry sex which bruised and upset me and I really wanted to talk about it. He didn't him....so I nagged him to talk until he dumped me but on reflection I was right to feel wierd about the angry sex. It didn't come from a good place.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 19:27:51

Sounds painful. Separation can be so hard.

Did you cheat on him? Some friends might find it hard to feel sympathy after that I guess, especially if they've suffered being cheated on.

But true friends will sympathise with you even so. Even if they do gently remind you of your part in the relationship ending.

ALittleStranger Tue 30-Apr-13 19:24:46

My boss, after a big bad break-up last year: "Oh no, I was afraid this was coming but I didn't like to say".

In general
"Oh no. So... Have you met anyone else yet?"
"Don't worry you'll be snapped up in no time".
"You need to keep busy" (implication, now you are terribly, terribly alone.)

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:24:45

It wasn't a friend who said that...it was on here.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:23:25

The problem it was is that it was kind of my fault...that's why i am crucifing myself. i still love him.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 19:21:15

Harsh!

What had you done to make your friend so judgemental OP?

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 30-Apr-13 18:55:12

Yeah im with headinhands - I look back on the man I couldnt live without and think "what a twat" I cant imagine what I ever saw in him.

I think the problem is people just dont know what to say so often just blurt out the first helpful thing their panicking brain chucks out.

"What's for you, won't go by you"

This might be true (or not) but it certainly is not helpful when in the throws of devastation.

Sorry you are going through this. Bear in mind that a lot of people don't know what to say, so end up saying the first thing that pops in their head. They don't usually mean to be cruel/thoughtless, but their world has not just come to a crushing end and their lives continue. V unfair, but there you go.
I hope you feel better soon.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 18:48:36

Yes I got 'It was your fault...I would have dumped you by email and ignored you if you'd done that to me!' on here when all I wanted was to apologise to him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 30-Apr-13 18:48:25

Friend's mother on hearing her latest relationship had crashed and burned:
"Ah well, next time round you'll probably only want companionship, it's a lot less complicated then".
Friend was 36.

On imparting the news that her ex had got engaged to very next gf on the rebound, someone came out with that hideous saying, "Oh well why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free...!"

Moanranger Tue 30-Apr-13 18:45:08

I feel incredibly lucky as no one has been insensitive. All my friends have mainly just listened & hugged. I am frankly surprised not to get the "never did like him" response, but he was not overtly obnoxious, just incredibly mean to me.
I am sure I will get some insensitive comments; actually the worst so far has been on MN, but I take Internet forum comments with a huge grain of salt, as posters really don't know you.

headinhands Tue 30-Apr-13 18:44:55

"it was obvious he didn't care about you". It was the truth though. I don't think she meant to hurt me but I was feeling very very sensitive obviously, like having several layers of skin missing isn't it. I doubt very much if your friends would want to hurt you, I think we're all generally so absorbed in our own lives that we are prone to foot in mouth incidents. For what's it worth superstar, I honestly don't know why I was so upset, and I think most, if not all people are similarly bewildered when they look back on a bad break up after time has passed. Still, I know how you're feeling and hope what I just said hasn't been added to your list! smile flowers wine wine wine

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 18:38:03

Less what not to say and more what not to do. The DH had walked out a few weeks earlier, things were still really raw and, on what would have been our sixth anniversary, a big bouquet of flowers turned up.... from my mother. I've never felt so crushed. confused

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