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Things NOT to say to the recently dumped!

(31 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 18:23:22

Bless my friends. On the whole they have been great during my devastation but I have had a few odd comments;
*During an evening round at a friends the day after 'I have carpet burns from too much sex!' agggrrr!
*A kind e-mail from a colleague ' So sorry tpo hera about your news blah blah blah....I am so looking foward to getting shoes to go with my wedding dress, cake ribbon etc!' agggrrrr!
* Don't you put cardboard in the recycling?' when obviosly a complete mess! agggrrrrr!

Am I being over sensitive or is there a bit of smuggery going on?

Feel free to add some real corkers (and cheer me up a bit!)

Januarymadness Tue 30-Apr-13 18:27:47

I think the worst is

Cheer up love, it might never happen

Theselittlelightsofmine Tue 30-Apr-13 18:28:36

Plenty more fish in the sea

NotAnotherPackedLunch Tue 30-Apr-13 18:31:57

You're better off without him.

Upnotdown Tue 30-Apr-13 18:32:35

From my mum - "How do you think all this is making ME feel? I can't sleep!"

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 30-Apr-13 18:37:14

strange comment from much older balding boss years ago when I was young and had just split up with a boyfriend "what a waste of a nice little body" (just plain weird and creepy)

My rule is never, ever say "I never liked him anyway" as without fail they will end up getting back together.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 18:38:03

Less what not to say and more what not to do. The DH had walked out a few weeks earlier, things were still really raw and, on what would have been our sixth anniversary, a big bouquet of flowers turned up.... from my mother. I've never felt so crushed. confused

headinhands Tue 30-Apr-13 18:44:55

"it was obvious he didn't care about you". It was the truth though. I don't think she meant to hurt me but I was feeling very very sensitive obviously, like having several layers of skin missing isn't it. I doubt very much if your friends would want to hurt you, I think we're all generally so absorbed in our own lives that we are prone to foot in mouth incidents. For what's it worth superstar, I honestly don't know why I was so upset, and I think most, if not all people are similarly bewildered when they look back on a bad break up after time has passed. Still, I know how you're feeling and hope what I just said hasn't been added to your list! smile flowers wine wine wine

Moanranger Tue 30-Apr-13 18:45:08

I feel incredibly lucky as no one has been insensitive. All my friends have mainly just listened & hugged. I am frankly surprised not to get the "never did like him" response, but he was not overtly obnoxious, just incredibly mean to me.
I am sure I will get some insensitive comments; actually the worst so far has been on MN, but I take Internet forum comments with a huge grain of salt, as posters really don't know you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 30-Apr-13 18:48:25

Friend's mother on hearing her latest relationship had crashed and burned:
"Ah well, next time round you'll probably only want companionship, it's a lot less complicated then".
Friend was 36.

On imparting the news that her ex had got engaged to very next gf on the rebound, someone came out with that hideous saying, "Oh well why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free...!"

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 18:48:36

Yes I got 'It was your fault...I would have dumped you by email and ignored you if you'd done that to me!' on here when all I wanted was to apologise to him.

"What's for you, won't go by you"

This might be true (or not) but it certainly is not helpful when in the throws of devastation.

Sorry you are going through this. Bear in mind that a lot of people don't know what to say, so end up saying the first thing that pops in their head. They don't usually mean to be cruel/thoughtless, but their world has not just come to a crushing end and their lives continue. V unfair, but there you go.
I hope you feel better soon.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 30-Apr-13 18:55:12

Yeah im with headinhands - I look back on the man I couldnt live without and think "what a twat" I cant imagine what I ever saw in him.

I think the problem is people just dont know what to say so often just blurt out the first helpful thing their panicking brain chucks out.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 19:21:15

Harsh!

What had you done to make your friend so judgemental OP?

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:23:25

The problem it was is that it was kind of my fault...that's why i am crucifing myself. i still love him.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:24:45

It wasn't a friend who said that...it was on here.

ALittleStranger Tue 30-Apr-13 19:24:46

My boss, after a big bad break-up last year: "Oh no, I was afraid this was coming but I didn't like to say".

In general
"Oh no. So... Have you met anyone else yet?"
"Don't worry you'll be snapped up in no time".
"You need to keep busy" (implication, now you are terribly, terribly alone.)

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 19:27:51

Sounds painful. Separation can be so hard.

Did you cheat on him? Some friends might find it hard to feel sympathy after that I guess, especially if they've suffered being cheated on.

But true friends will sympathise with you even so. Even if they do gently remind you of your part in the relationship ending.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:55:26

No I didn't cheat. I get really bad pmt on the pill. The pill makes me go psychotic. I flew off the handle about something, we had wierd, angry sex which bruised and upset me and I really wanted to talk about it. He didn't him....so I nagged him to talk until he dumped me but on reflection I was right to feel wierd about the angry sex. It didn't come from a good place.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:57:04

I think what makes it worse is that I only went on the pill as he hates condoms. I have been reading testimonies from others on the same pill and they report anxiety, clingyness, insecurity about their dp, paranoia. One of the reasons why he dumped me ironically was my anxiety. The other was the texting due to anxiety.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 20:11:32

It sounds like he was an arse OP. Sounds rather horrible, actually.

Sympathies.

Separation is always hard, even when the ex has been a negative presence - sometimes especially so.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 20:16:49

Is it ok to say he was a bastard?

and you are probably better off without? smile

Seriously, the angry sex doesn't sound good, if you got bruised and upset.
I do wonder about the anxiety and the rest. If it was really the pill.

overtheraenbow Tue 30-Apr-13 20:29:29

From cheating lying stbxh; ' I knew I'd end up being the bad guy in all this' shock

BadLad Wed 01-May-13 09:26:03

"Do you mind if I have a go at chatting her up" is the most insensitive I've ever had.

skaboy Wed 01-May-13 09:50:40

I must have a really dark sense of humour as I find faux-insensitivity pretty funny at the moment. It actually helps to be able to laugh at the situation. My ex asked why I was resurrecting my dusty guitar and was it because I was joining a band. I replied: 'Yes, a lonely one-man band.' I also refused to buy her some pads the other day when I went shopping because 'It's not my duty any more' (she used to take great delight in finding the funniest things to send me shopping for). She replied that as she had given me 4 kids I still have to buy them (I ended up doing so). I think I might suggest arranging a double date with her and her new bloke, plus me and my invisible girlfriend.

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