Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Single? The truth.....

(84 Posts)
Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:13:17

I have a thread on AIBU at the moment about the way my mum has reacted to me telling her I am thinking of leaving DH. Basically she has told me how awful being single is (she was for about 18 months) so I would really appreciate anybody who can verify the following claims:

That it's soul destroyingly lonely sitting on own all evening and weekend
That all my friends will become convinced I will steal their DHs and will not want to know me.
That every man I meet won't want to know me as I have children.
That I will regret every day leaving DH.

Apparently I need to make more effort, go on "date nights" etc. Despite the fact I have been unhappy for 10 years.

So is that dire on the other side. Did you leave and wish you'd stayed?

BaconAndAvocado Tue 30-Apr-13 21:03:45

Being single after having been in a rubbish relationship is downright fabulous!

I was on my own for 2 years after separating from my ex and felt so liberated and at peace.

Eventually I decided that maybe not all men are gits (and they aren't!) and started dating.

This is such a cliche, but very very true.... Life isn't a dress rehearsal.

Be strong, be kind to yourself and realise that happiness isn't defined by your status but by how you feel.

Good luck.

happyfreeconfused Tue 30-Apr-13 21:04:43

The relief, sense of space and feeling of freedom is so wonderful it makes up for the sad bits/bad bits (of which there will be some, whatever your story.)

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 21:09:56

Put up a thread 'has anybody ever regreted leaving their h?

I don't think anybody regrets it if it's not right. I was unhappy. I have not regrets. There are things about being single that arent' fabulous fgs, there are probably downsides to being a wag! I feel free.

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 21:15:39

just read the thread again it's all projection on her part isn't it. what she's saying to you is really what she's saying to herself disguised as you.

Snorbs Tue 30-Apr-13 21:25:49

I've yet to experience any level of loneliness more soul-destroying than that I had when I was in a bad relationship.

do not listen to your mother, she is talking crap, sounds like you will be alotlot happier single

free to do what you want when you want

BasilBabyEater Tue 30-Apr-13 21:43:05

She's doing what people do to try and get validation for their own behaviour.

One of the reasons people feel uncomfortable about people who split up, is that it makes them question their own relationships. If their relationships are fine, they don't feel uncomfortable, if they're not, it does.

Your DM sounds abysmal, please don't listen to her.

ohtobecleo Tue 30-Apr-13 22:01:20

I've been divorced for 8 years and have had a couple of short relationships in that time but been single for most of it. At times it's bloody awful and I could climb the walls with loneliness, but whenever I have those feelings I remind myself how much more soul-destroying being lonely in a marriage is.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 22:06:03

So this evening I have
Put DCs to bed on my own
Had short arguement with DH
Eaten dinner with DH in silence.
Cleared up in silence.
Had another short arguement.
Sorted paperwork out on my own.
Now reading in bed on my own and will probably fall asleep before he comes upstairs.
Tomorrow he will be gone before I wake up and the evening will be the same.

Exactly how could it be worse to be on my own?? I genuinely don't think it could but I really would like to know if anybody is miserable and single.

ivykaty44 Tue 30-Apr-13 22:09:30

there is a difference between being lonely and being alone

BeCool Tue 30-Apr-13 22:15:33

Single for 4 months. 2 young dc. I'm not lonely or miserable.

The things I miss from the relationship are tiny compared to the things I don't miss. It's down to you. Imagine your evening where the hostility and arguments are replaced by stillness and quiet - you can fill this space how YOU choose.

I can't leave the house to go to shops in the evening. So I'm more organised.

Exp isn't having DC overnight - to mess with my social life. But that will change eventually.

I like my own company byes I watch too much TV ATM but that will change - it's still early days.

Your mum isn't onboard. She's not you and she's not living your life. It sounds like you would benefit from the change. Best of luck.

wordyBird Tue 30-Apr-13 22:18:29

It's entirely possible to be miserable and single....and entirely possible to be miserable and married. Or happy, by the same token.

You are always better off single than dreading hearing a key in the lock. At least, I think so.

Your mum sounds like the type of woman who needs ANY man in her life, at ANY cost (including the welfare of her daughter, it seems sad ) This is not you, and it's definitely not a healthy approach to relationships. So I don't think she can give you good advice on being single vs being married.

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 22:19:24

I love my evenings! I wish they were twice as long. I can sit on the sofa with the dog, eat toast, watch TV, watch films, read, noodle on the internet, potter around putting things back where they should be.

Some people can't bear to be alone. I think that is truly tragic. Because they often exercise very little quality control over who they spend time with.

Dillie Tue 30-Apr-13 22:40:07

I was one of those who was in a bad relationship and stuck with it, JUST because I was terrified of being on my own.

2 months of therapy and I think I am OK with it. The fear does not hold me any more. Time will tell.

But I know one thing, I am looking forward to the day when I finally move out to make a new life with my dd in 4 days time!

Nothing can be as be as bad as being lonely due to a selfish controlling fw .

A few of my friends are single, and they are happy. Also I have a couple of married friends and they are downright miserable!

As my nan used to say, life is what you make it, so get off your backside and live it. She was single for 50 odd years, but not through choice. Grandad died from complications of a war wound. She was never unhappy or lonely and lived until she was 98 years old. She was and will always be my inspiration.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 22:50:27

Exactly how could it be worse to be on my own??

You wouldn't have the arguments. smile

And you could actually get a nice man who would actually keep you company. grin

BOF Tue 30-Apr-13 22:54:41

Seriously?

Have you any idea how liberating it is to be able to do what the fuck you like, to your own timetable, decorate your home the way you want, go to bed when you fancy, have complete control of the remote? It's fucking brilliant.

elastamum Tue 30-Apr-13 23:12:03

I now have a partner, although we live apart, but was single for 3 yrs after my ex left.

This evening I have had tea with my DC, walked the dogs, turned out my horse, chatted to next door, had a long telephone gossip with a GF and with my DP and had two glasses of sherry. grin Am off to my lovely big bed in a minute

I have another GF coming for over tea tomorrrow.

OK, sometimes I have lonely days, but being single isnt all bad. Far better than being married to the wrong person

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 30-Apr-13 23:15:44

A). It is healing and comforting settling into a happy home. It should be enjoyed. Use those nights in to settle your children, establish your own routine. You need a period of time with yourself. There will still be nights out (you will find a way) and friend's round.

B). I don't know your friends but mine have never done this.

C). Some won't. So they rule themselves out as potential boyfriend material. Many others will. I know a few men on Internet dating sites who already have DCs, don't want any more and prefer to date women with DCs.

D). If your marriage is truly dead, not only will this not happen, but you will relish your new life.

I left and I have never regretted it. Not even in the extremely difficult early days. I made the right decision for me. But I tried everything I could to save the marriage before I left.

OP have you tried couples counseling?

drfayray Tue 30-Apr-13 23:24:21

I am single now after 24 years of marriage when ex left for another woman.

I can honestly say ( hand on heart) that I have never been happier. It has not been easy but I am a pro-active person who has gone out of my comfort zone to find a new life.

Now I have new interests which have brought me new friends. I am rarely lonely. DC are 17 and nearly 15 and we are a happy family who enjoy each other smile

I fought to stay in my marriage so I didn't give up. But it was doomed really.

I am open to a new relationship but I refuse to settle for any old bloke. Hey, I am fabulous!

You can be so alone whilst you are with someone.

I am true to myself.
Good luck OP.

littlemisssarcastic Tue 30-Apr-13 23:31:23

Single for 4 years.
Have never felt utter soul destroying loneliness like I felt at the end of my relationship with xp when I was still with him.
My life is quite full anyway so I don't have time to think and the lack of conversation only bothered me because xp was actually sitting there. When there is no one sitting there, I don't feel a need to fill in awkward silences. grin
Have met men no problem, just not found one I want to have a relationship with.
I've got quite good intuition and have never felt my friends were threatened by me being there. No one has even mildly hinted that I want their husbands. I would be offended if they thought that tbh. Just because they find their husbands attractive, and rightly so, doesn't mean everyone does, and I can't think of even one of my friends husbands I find attractive.
Have never regretted splitting with xp.

garlicyoni Tue 30-Apr-13 23:53:07

Sunshine, I'm long-term single and committed to it. I have a fair number of ishoos, have no children and zero social life. Quite often I do feel lonely. But ... and you've already identified this truth ... no loneliness is as lonely as lying next to a partner who doesn't love you. When I'm lonely, I can fuck around online or ring someone up, watch a film or read a book, go for a walk or get pissed: it's completely up to me. "Please yourself" means something in my life! When you're lonely, another person is right there next to you, choosing not to engage with you. That hurts. In your life, I'm guessing "please yourself" means "I don't care".

So this is a long-winded way of saying I live pretty much as your mother foretells, and I still prefer it a hundredfold to either of my miserable marriages. Most of the time, being single's been positively joyful for me; it will be again. For now - well, I please my self, and that's what counts smile

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 30-Apr-13 23:53:30

I fucking loved being single. It was fantastic. I cooked food that I wanted for me (and if I couldn't be arsed, I ate an entire share bag of crisps or a pot noodle and nobody moaned). I had control over my own money and even though I never had loads it felt like I did, because someone wasn't carefully rationing it out to me - I didn't have to beg or justify or explain anything later. And I knew when the next payment was coming etc.

I hardly ever felt lonely - I didn't have ti me. I spent most evenings mumsnetting, watching films or box sets, reading! Undisturbed! Listening to my OWN music. Going to bed early if I was tired without being woken later as he stomped around turning lights on. Going to bed at normal time with no pressure for sex. Ever. Reading in bed, using my phone/laptop bed without having to worry about waking anyone up. Not having arguments about having to bring up the DC. Leaving the housework for (gasp) the morning.

They say that the very worst kind of loneliness is being lonely within a marriage/relationship. I would be strongly inclined to agree. There is absolutely nothing like that feeling, it destroys you.

Being single has been hard at times but it was also wonderful, and taught me so much. I'm now in a relationship which is so easy, supportive, respectful, communicative, loving that I never would have thought it possible. But I also know that if anything happened and I ended up single again, although I'd be devastated at the loss of DP, I know I would be fine. Being single really isn't a constant stream of despair. It just isn't. It's freedom and space to breathe, time to be you again, time to figure out what you want. It's a huge confidence boost to be self sufficient. It's empowering. Being single is great.

garlicyoni Tue 30-Apr-13 23:59:44

Bertie, is that you? Hell of a username grin And a wonderful post!

I love being single. And being single wasn't my choice! ExH left 7 months ago for the OW.
It's been a bit of a journey, but I love it just being me and the DD's here. I second the posters who say its lonelier living with someone you don't want to be with, than to live by yourself with your DC.
I love that when I put the kids to bed the evening is mine, I don't get lonely or bored, I can watch what I want to watch, do my exercise DVD without anyone sniggering, have girlfriends round whenever I want to without having to consult 'the boss' and I get 24 hours every week to myself whilst he has the children.
Oh, and I am dating a gorgeous man.... What's not to love about being single?!
Good luck OP. I think you know what you've got to do.

Sunshineandflowers Wed 01-May-13 06:49:57

Thank you all so much.

Just realised that there is a good chance my mother will contact DH to tell him. Obviously it won't be news to him but I'd rather she didn't forewarn him that I'm thinking seriously about going. Damn sad

Anyhow I've barely slept and can now add another thing I won't miss. Passive aggressive cuddling in bed. Usually DH will never touch me in bed at all unless he wants something but the last few nights he's all about the cuddling up. Which is a problem as I have a flare up of a back problem and it hurts when he manoeuvres me into a position to cuddle up to so HE is comfortable!! Then he falls asleep and if I try and move him he gets cross that I'm refusing his affection. This went on all night.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now