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Single? The truth.....

(84 Posts)
Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:13:17

I have a thread on AIBU at the moment about the way my mum has reacted to me telling her I am thinking of leaving DH. Basically she has told me how awful being single is (she was for about 18 months) so I would really appreciate anybody who can verify the following claims:

That it's soul destroyingly lonely sitting on own all evening and weekend
That all my friends will become convinced I will steal their DHs and will not want to know me.
That every man I meet won't want to know me as I have children.
That I will regret every day leaving DH.

Apparently I need to make more effort, go on "date nights" etc. Despite the fact I have been unhappy for 10 years.

So is that dire on the other side. Did you leave and wish you'd stayed?

colditz Tue 30-Apr-13 17:15:37

A) yes, true, so don't do it. Watch tv, read, have a bath. You don't have to stare at old pictures and weep.
B) some might. Seem people are knobs.
C) there are as many divorced dads as there are divorced mums
D) if you don't want to fix it, this won't work.

dontyouwantmebaby Tue 30-Apr-13 17:25:32

being single is nowhere near as 'awful' as spending 10 years of your life in an unhappy relationship.

one door closes, another opens. I don't know your story and haven't seen your other thread so not quite sure why you have to be the one to 'make more effort'. If your partner knows how miserable you are, what's their story? Have they tried to address whatever the issue is too? If they don't know, you should tell them.

you can be as lonely sitting indoors with the wrong person in your life as you can by yourself, more so in fact. in my experience, plenty of my friends with children have gone on to meet new partners later in life and seem much happier whilst others are content to remain single, whatever works for you! doesn't mean you will never meet anyone ever again if you want a new relationship in the future.

Why would your friends suddenly think you were after their husbands? Do people really think like that just because a woman becomes single? shock its not such a stigma I don't think.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 17:31:57

There is a special circle of hell reserved for nasty old women that would rather you stayed trapped in a miserable marriage (the way they presumably are) than be independent and happy. Her list is just shameless scaremongering. Evenings can be as quiet or as busy as you make them. She might be insecure & paranoid about single women luring husbands away but most of your friends probably aren't. (Never experienced it personally) You aren't looking for a replacement husband you're going to be independent , that's the whole point. But, if you were looking for a new partner, the type of man that doesn't like your kids is not even going to get a second date... You might regret leaving your DH on bad days but you'll get over it.

Big, fiery, smelly circle of hell.....

Mutt Tue 30-Apr-13 17:33:23

Depends on you.

I have friends who can't bear their own company and don't feel complete unless they are part of a couple. Your Mum sounds like one of those.

I enjoy being single most of the time.

Just make sure if you do leave him that you have explored every way of improving your marriage and making it work first. To look back one day knowing that you may have been able to sort things out, but never knowing for sure, would be awful, for you and your children.

IMO, divorce is awful; being single is ok.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:33:25

Yes I've tried to address the issue with him sad

What I tried to get her to understand was that I am lonely. Lying next to somebody who doesn't even want to be your friend anymore? How can being on my own be worse than that?

Oh don't get me started on finding someone new. Every man I meet would want to be priority above my DC apparently and I will have to accept that.

dontyouwantmebaby Tue 30-Apr-13 17:34:13

OP just read your other thread now. am so sorry you're mum isn't providing the comfort & supportive words to you. my mum is totally the same. the only time I ever confided in her when I was having relationship problems & didn't expect any practical help but wanted kind words/reassurance and I got nothing! Very difficult when its your mum.

I think you'll find there are lots of people who have managed to leave & find happiness, hope you do too. No point being unhappy anymore with the wrong person.

acceptableinthe80s Tue 30-Apr-13 17:37:18

No, not dire at all, quite the opposite actually. Some people are better at being single than others but imo boredom/loneliness are a state of mind.
Having good friends helps a lot and no none of mine think I'm going to steal their partners, what an odd thing to say.
I wouldn't dream of staying with someone who made me unhappy, been there, done that, never again.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:38:52

Thank you. It's so very strange how this has made me feel very pathetic, wanting reassurance from my mother at 39? I should be able to be a grown up about all of this.

It's compounded by the fact that I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me, because his life was more of a priority than mine. That's why she stayed married to him because that was more important than leaving him and protecting me.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:40:37

I have friends who are divorced and unhappy, they can't bear to be alone for a minute. I think I might be ok, I'm the kind of person who's quite happy going shopping and for lunch on my own. I quite like my company. And I like my children's company too!!

Mutt Tue 30-Apr-13 17:41:32

If that is the case Sunshine, that she would put her relationship with an abusive man above her duty to you as a mother, I doubt you can ever hope to get the support you need from her.

It's natural that you want to be able to lean on your mother now but realistically I do think you need to look elsewhere for that support.

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 17:43:21

It was my mother who convinced me to marry my ExH, and who believed his crock of shit when he left me and the DCs. I don't have contact with either of them now.

Being single is quite nice if you have friends. That's why sometimes I like working, it brings me friends. Of course it has its downsides, but nowhere near as bad as being with someone who sucks the very life out of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 17:43:49

People like your mum are very insecure and assume other people are as well. If she hero-worships rotten men into the bargain then don't ask her for advice any more.

The friends who are divorced and unhappy, were they the ones that initiated the split or did they have divorce thrust upon them? I'd guess the latter.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:46:41

Yes the latter, although one of them was having an affair and got caught.

ruddynorah Tue 30-Apr-13 17:46:41

No. I left my marriage 6 months ago. I should have done it two years ago. What a waste of time those miserable years were.

I've now met a wonderful man who's also separated and has dc. It makes me very cross to think of those wasted years.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:48:13

I don't want to be so unhappy that I meet somebody who hurts my children. Staying is preferable to that.

I spent months in therapy dealing with this childhood crap and I've walked straight back in for another helping.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:50:27

It's compounded by the fact that I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me, because his life was more of a priority than mine. That's why she stayed married to him because that was more important than leaving him and protecting me.

Here is the crux of it.

Ignore your mother. She has a vested interest in seeing you make the same mistakes she made, because it mitigates her own (in her own fucked up head)

I haven't seen your other thread. But I do know your mother is a disgusting individual.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 17:52:45

<Grasps Sunshineandflowers firmly by the shoulders and shakes>

You will NEVER let someone hurt your children. You're not her. You will probably become so blissfully happy enjoying your own company and the new social life you've carved out for yourself that you're not keen at all to bring some idiot bloke into it, messing up your cupboard contents and leaving shaving bloodstains all over your new white towels!!! <Can you tell what my latest squeeze did this week? grin >

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 18:36:01

Thank you for the shaking.

Anyone else tell me how miserable it is. Maybe I will have to live with lots of cats? Or take up embroidery?

How I will be turning up at friends houses unannounced to flirt with their husbands?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 18:44:03

I live with one cat and a 12yo. I cannot sew for toffee but my piano playing is really coming along! If there was a fire, I'd save the piano (kidding) I'd flirt with my friends' DHs but they are all boring things like accountants and besides, I know all their many faults. <eye-roll> Lord 'Towel Bleeder Cupboard Distresser' has his own place, thank goodness.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 18:47:30

3 DC, 1 dog, 2 cats here. Heaven knows when I'd find time to be lonely!!

She really has scared me though. But I'd love to have an evening where I didn't dread the key in the lock sad

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 30-Apr-13 18:57:27

Not half so lonely as being with someone who makes you unhappy.

Moanranger Tue 30-Apr-13 18:59:25

I am two months separated, and while I have moments of real sorrow, I am finding there are many, many nice people around. We split right before my B-day when he was supposed to have taken me to a nice hotel, which he never even booked. So I rang around a bunch of friends & my kids & had a nice dinner out, surrounded by love, affection, presents, cards & flowers. Since then, my rule is to go to everything I am invited to, just get, circulate & talk to people.
There is also the world of Meet Ups, which are activities for single people, but not dating per se. I have joined a bunch of these, so there are one or more invites in my email in box every day.
What is great is getting out & seeing men who are socially appropriate, unlike my STBXH. And while I am a long way from looking for someone new, there has clearly been some interest from men, which is great for my self-esteem at the moment. Life will get better, & you deserve happiness.

StuffezLaYoni Tue 30-Apr-13 19:03:31

Oh god. Sunshine, please don't become one of those older women who look back with bitter eyes and resentment, boring everyone with teir tales of how everyone treated them badly, when in reality its because THEY failed to change their situation.
It is a thousand times worse being in a loveless, unfulfilling relationship than it is being single. Being single is GREAT. I've moved 220 miles from my friends 9 months ago and am single, it's taken a while but I'm sitting h, curled up with a glass of wine, planning a dinner party for Wednesday. Nobody to tell me I'm spending too much. Nobody to moan about who's invited. Honestly, it's a bloody good option, singledom.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 20:23:32

But I'd love to have an evening where I didn't dread the key in the lock

You will probably find that being lonely by yourself is not as bad as being lonely with a bastard partner.

I was by myself for over a year before I started dating again, and now single again for about 2 weeks. I was 25 when I met XH and my first relationship.
Yes, sometimes I yearn for the companionship, but not the kind they gave me, particularly towards the end.
You will be ok if you remember that.

Personally, I love my own company, so I'm mostly ok.

You will be too if you learn to love yourself more. smile

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