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He doesn't love me anymore

(22 Posts)
Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:38:20

Please help. My partner of 19 years announced he's not in love with me anymore on Sunday.

We've been rowing and distant for months now and when yet another one started brewing we calmed down and tried to talk instead. It led to his revelation that he doesn't love me and hasn't done for a few months. He can't/won't elaborate on how long 'a few months' actually is. He says he's been trying to love me again, but just can't. We haven't actually split up, he's still living here, we want to make it work. We have three children.

There are reasons for him falling out of love (which I don't want to list, as they're too painful and humiliating, sorry), but I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and come out the other side.

I just feel shattered and raw. I don't know what to do or say. I still love him so much it hurts, although I've been a shit girlfriend recently. I cringe when I think about the past few months. I'm still getting my head round this and I'm just wondering what people feel is the way forward now.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 30-Apr-13 12:53:56

Here, have my hand to hold sad I am not surprised you are shattered.

Do you think there could be another woman involved?

I think you'll find that lots of women have been where you are now and they move on to find happiness, it will be tough and you need to be kind to yourself over the coming weeks. There will be lots of practical advice from those with more experience and knowledge than me, but i didnt want your post to go unanswered x

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:58:42

Thankyou LEMis.

I'm 99.9% certain there's no other woman. I'm just struggling to get through the day today and wanted to talk to someone. I haven't told anyone in RL as there's no one I can tell. Mum lives four hours away (and don't want to upset her on the phone) and sister I'm not that close to. Don't have any real friends, just acquaintances really. I've seen the way people help each other out on here and am now in a position where I'm need of some help, so here I am.

He was off work yesterday so we spend the day together pottering about while the kids were in school. It's so weird because we're still chatting and joking, but every so often one or other of us starts to cry or get upset.

I'm just so confused.

Dahlen Tue 30-Apr-13 13:01:08

My advice will very much depend on what's really going on here.

If the problem is genuinely with you and your behaviour (I'd very much like to know in what ways you've been a 'shit' GF), then you need to take responsibility for that and change it if you're going to save your relationship.

However, if you're not entirely sure why you've been a 'shit' GF (going through a difficult time and asking for support does not make you a 'shit' GF BTW), he says he doesn't love you and yet had no intention of leaving, I'd be asking some deeper questions about the possibility of someone else and how healthy your relationship really is.

Oh heartbroken, I feel for you I really do, but I suspect there is more to this. In my experience when a man is distant, and starts giving a list of your failings as reasons why he has fallen out of love, there is always someone else. I've been there, and it hurts beyond reason, but don't for a minute let him undermine your self confidence and pin this on you. Relationships break down, yes, but when they do it is the fault of both.

Try and hold your head up, and tell yourself HE isn't good enough for you. Keep talking, absolutely, but if he blames you, don't take it to heart.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 30-Apr-13 13:13:51

I'm afraid I'd be tending towards thinking that that "few months" began when he started seeing someone else.

And if someone told me they no longer loved me, then I wouldn't truly be able to say "we want it to work out". Because the "he" part of "we" clearly doesn't, does he?

LEMisdisappointed Tue 30-Apr-13 13:19:58

My DP told me he didn't love me anymore, I was suffering from PND (undiagnosed) at the time, there was horrible arguments and debts, the levels of stress in the house was awful. It still makes me wobble to think of it. It wasn't my fault, but it wasn't his either - we were both at the end of our tether. I can still remember it as clear as day, i remember where we were standing, what was said, my DP crying and telling me that we would still be friends but that he didn't love me anymore. I even remember what T-shirt he was wearing. It was awful - it was 5 years ago. We are still together. Things were bad for a long time and if im honest, there were times in that five years where i wished that i let him go and there have been other times when we both said we wanted to split. I couldnt go through it again.

I don't know what you mean by saying you have been a horrible GF, is this coming from you or from him? My DP never said i was horrible, he was just sick of the arguments. I WAS horrible, i threatened him with a knife, i scalded him in the shower and I threw hot tea over him blush But i was ill - i got help and things improved (im having a blip just now).

What i do know is that we both allowed the arguments to go on for far too long - as i say, things ARE better now but i would say only in the last year are they that way.

Would he consider counselling? Not everyone likes this, my DP wouldnt have it although i did, it helped.

What i am trying to say is, i think you need to find out the reason for him saying what he has said.

1. Is he depressed?
2. Are you depressed?
3. Is there a lot of stressful stuff going on?
4. Is there another woman?
5. Does he simply not love you anymore?

I am sure there are other possible reasons and the reasons above, some of them can be fixed.

The first time my DP told me he didn't love me - he meant it, i had changed and he couldnt understand why i didn't have a civil word for him. I was agressive and unapproachable but he too was not without fault. I am glad that we stayed together.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 30-Apr-13 13:31:25

I've had depression on and off since DD was born 11 years ago. He has depression, but won't take anything for it. He was on meds for awhile, but they didn't seem to make much difference. I've been on at him to go to the GP for ages and get a higher dose. He admitted a couple of weeks ago that he has been back to the GP and turned the offer of meds down. I don't know whether he genuinely doesn't love me anymore or is just depressed beyond belief - I don't know which I'd rather tbh, they're both a terrible option.

I want to believe we can get through this and come out the other side. If nothing else he's my best friend. I can't comprehend being without him. He has no desire to leave and keeps telling me we'll be ok and we'll get through it. I feel that if their was another woman he would have jumped out of the relationship on Sunday.

We've both been distant. He has to be up at stupid o'clock for work, so goes to bed stupidly early, but by early I mean between 8.30 and 9.00. I'm up til gone 11 most evenings, on my own, even weekends, when he's not at work. I think the depression is making him sleep more and more.

Then he gets up and either goes to the gym (weekends) or takes the kids swimming or the park, or I take them to the cinema. We haven't been out as a couple since January. We have only one babysitter really, his brother, who quite often lets us down at the last minute because he has a date!

I haven't worked since redundancy 8 years ago. Youngest is in school all day now, but there's very little available for school hours, if anything. I'm a terrible housewife (my words, not his) in that a) it's not what I ever wanted, SAHM and homemaker, it's just not me and b) cleaning and tidying depresses me, which is no excuse when he's working full time.

I take no care in my appearance. I'm overweight (this has never been an issue for him) so I have no confidence in what I wear - slop about in jeans and baggy tops, hair is clean but not styled, no makeup.

He said he's tired of the arguments about the house being a mess and me not cleaning and that I don't care about him or us.

Jesus, this is long. Sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 13:38:29

Please stop looking to yourself as being somehow substandard or unworthy. Nothing you can say, do, wear or whatever has made him stop loving you. Sometimes people grow apart, sometimes they meet someone new, sometimes the get fed up with their life and want a change. Who knows? But it's entirely him driving this one and, if he's trying to pin the blame on you and making you feel shit in the process, then he's being very cruel and you should tell him to sling his hook rather than berate yourself.

I know you want to make it work but you can't make it work single-handed. This is not your problem to fix Tell him to go. Get your self-respect back. Let him work out his 'issues' on his own time.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 30-Apr-13 13:40:20

I'm worried I'm going to fall apart if he leaves. I can't face the thought of being a single mother. I'm terrified.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 30-Apr-13 13:46:16

You might fall apart. It happens. That's when MN holds your hand, and you know what? You come out of the other side. Better. And happier.

Might there not be a link between both of you being depressed and being in a relationship that has run its course?

LEMisdisappointed Tue 30-Apr-13 13:50:08

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here, i really can she says surveying the bombsite that is our house and it can certainly be a bone of contention with us too. I understand the total lack of motivation when it comes to the house.

The thing is, you are taking on so much BLAME here and its not right.

You are overweight - so am i, hugely, but i don't care (despite having my arse flammed to eternity and back for daring to say so on here) I do care about my appearance but am not happy with it. I have very little confidence.

I know what you mean about school hours jobs - i am suffering the same plight just now (i thought it was supposed to get easier when they went to school!)

When your DH goes to bed, is he taking a phone/iPad with him? Are you sure he is off to the gym every weekend? I really would want this question answered.

He has said he wants to work at it, so work at it he must - it is NOT OK to drop this bombshell and then expect to carry on like you did before. Has he retracted his statement? My DP did, shortly afterwards, once he realised the rammifications.

Maybe you could both visit your GP, I woul insist on some sort of therapy - it sounds like he is fighting some long term demons. Men are so bloody stubborn when it comes to counselling and medication. My DP would take meds and hve counselling over his dead body, i know that if i didn't have these (waiting on counselling just now) it really would be over my dead body.

Can you take the children out together?

The only time DP and I get together alone is 2 hours every other week when DD goes to pony club, I cherish those 2 hours and sometimes we just sit in the car and talk, but we are alone with no interruptions.

As for the arguments about the house - i would suggest
a) get a cleaner if you can afford it (i wish!!!)
b) maybe get him involved in a bit of a spruce up togeher, have a spring cleaning blitz so that there is less to do? Maybe decorate a room?

Really, he needs to work with you on this, he really does - it is cruel to tell someone you dont love them and then expect them just to carry on.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 30-Apr-13 14:03:14

I don't want him to retract the statement if he means it. I want him to love me again. I think this is the main thing for me (and him). I can't 'make' him love me, but I think we do both need to work at our relationship.

We've both been distant and lazy, not just me, and we've argued over this many times recently, always with me accusing him. It just came to a head on Sunday and he gave back what I've been giving.

virgilsmuse Tue 30-Apr-13 14:15:55

There are reasons for him falling out of love (which I don't want to list, as they're too painful and humiliating, sorry)

Have had a read through and maybe have missed this if someone else said it, but it's very hard to give any meaningful advice in the context of that statement.

I don't think you should give the reasons if they're too painful, but without them it's hard to advise. E.g. If you or he had cheated in the past for instance then it would put a whole different spin on it and all the advice you'd get would be different if that makes sense.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 14:18:22

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear only way you'll make him retract is if you give him a taste of what he's losing. And that means being strong and telling him to go rather than moping around blaming yourself, demeaning yourself and allowing him to call the shots. Call it a 'trial separation' if it makes you feel better but you really have to take charge or else... if he does change his mind... you'll hate yourself for having sold yourself short.

I'm an independent parent and, even though it's challenging from time to time, I have dignity, self-respect, authority and - very important - no-one bringing me down and smashing my self-esteem. There are far worse things than being single.

Good luck

toomanyeasterbunnies Tue 30-Apr-13 14:22:28

Your post is so familiar to me. It happened to me 2 years ago. We've been together 17 years, 3 kids and the daily grind was taking its toll on both of us. He told me - I wasn't giving him enough attention, I didn't love him, I pushed him away.

I came on here heartbroken when he said "I love you but I'm not in love with you!". Everyone was saying there was an OW I said "no way". .... but you've guessed it there was. Looking back - he went to bed early - texting her - he got up early - texting her. He was busy at work, overnight trips made to look like he was going out with friends. But he was with her.

I hope I'm wrong but I would do some digging. I know how utterly heartbroken you must feel. flowers

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 30-Apr-13 15:09:34

Had the same speech too...I remember saying I was sure he wasn't having an affair as didn't think he would have time and also that he was the type but after digging around, found evidence of OW.

ike1 Tue 30-Apr-13 15:18:44

I am 99.9% certain ther IS an OW. You just havent discovered her yet. I am so sorry OP.

ike1 Tue 30-Apr-13 15:19:50

...and I will be ecstatic if I am wrong...

simbaandblue Tue 30-Apr-13 17:06:43

Ike, I think you're wrong the assume there's another woman. People on mumsnet can be too quick to assume that! The op has already said she doesn't think there is so your comment is not helpful

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:18:22

There are worse things than being single

Like clinging on to an ambivalent man at the cost of your self respect, trying to bea Stepford wife and make him love you again. Soul destroying.

Man up...and tell him to go now

Perhaps he will realise what he is missing and reconnect with you. Perhaps your conviction there is no OW will be quashed. Perhaps you have just drifted apart and it's best you make a clean break.

Whatever, it's like ripping off the sticking plaster. Hurts like fuck, but you heal faster in the end.

AF speaks a lot of sense.

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