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Impractical DH getting me down

(30 Posts)
beakysmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:54:49

This might sound silly but my DH is so impracticalround the house and I find it so wearing. He tries to help and I do appreciate that.

But washing up, I often have to do things again. Cooking he has no idea about quantity and cooks way too much. It's often dripping in fat because heforgets to drain eg mince Iin bolognaise sauce.hes a very messy cook and it takes me ages to clean kitchen, cooker and floor after he's been in there. He doesn't seem able to put a fitted sheet on a bed properly.

We have been together 10 years and have 3 children under 7. There are times when I long for someone competent to take the strain with me. Aaaagh!
Anyone know what I mean?

curryeater Tue 30-Apr-13 17:01:27

"But if we discuss this now 20+ years later he thinks he was a hands on Dad!!! " That is so funny, Justin. Only 2 years on, dp has such a weird memory of what he did when there were suddenly two. He knows he spent a fair amount of time in the company of some child or other when he was not at work. But he completely refuses to believe that he didn't take them both for ages, about 6 months. So I was NEVER alone, and usually with two children, and him taking one out was some special magic treat. he refuses to believe this.

My best school friend (who was brought up by a single mum) asked my mum if she knew anyone who could watch her baby for a short time (doesn't live in the area any more so doesn't have a huge network left there). Mum couldn't do it and said sorry. My friend asked if my dad could. This blew my mother's mind. She thought anyone who would consider leaving their baby with my dad must be insane. She never left a baby with him for 5 minutes! but my friend just thought "well he had 3 kids, ok it was a long time ago but he must know what he's doing" ha ha ha ha ha ha

I am a lone parent, and sometimes go through a bit of the above with DD (16) re her chores - she is untidy, but not dirty, and due to sleeping like Rip Van Winkle sometimes disappears for the evening and doesn't get stuff done.

However, she wears strong glasses and genuinely misses some of the dirt - and when I point it out to her she goes and cleans it properly.

I've allocated jobs to her that I know she can do well (hoovering, most of the laundry - though she still doesn't realise that if she hangs things properly there's shag all ironing - well one day I'll make her do it all and then she'll larn!)

And her attitude is not shitty - it's not "I've done that for you (like she doesn't make any of the work at all!)" or "I've had a hard day at school, I'm going to sit down while you run yourself ragged" or "I can't believe you're criticising it, nothing's good enough for you" - she takes part willingly, and I don't mind teaching her because if she's in a house share I don't want her to be the dirty cow that no one wants to live with.
But I feel for all of you because if she were like your DP's I would still love her, but would find it very hard to like her or respect her (and she's my own flesh and blood, not "some stranger I met on the road" - as my aunt is famous for calling my uncle, her DH of 25 years, in a row a couple of years ago!)

Running a house properly is an essential life skill - but why do men (and it is always, always men that you hear about) assume women will do it? It is the height of disrespect for our knowledge, abilities, skills, and seems to hurt so many, many relationships.

wine or brew to you all

That you was supposed to be you

But on a lighter note, I pointed out a dish in the drainer to her the other night - showed her that the outside of it was still a bit gritty as it hadn't been washed properly. (I said it nicely, mind!)

She said OK, then thought for a minute, and smirking, said to me "But weren't those the dishes you did last night, mum?!"

GenevievePettigrew Tue 30-Apr-13 18:40:34

My husband does 90% of the cleaning, 50% of the cooking, used to do 100% of the grocery shopping (I never took DD grocery shopping when she was a baby) and has Tuesdays with DD (2y 8m). He also does all the yard work and mostly empties the bins. To be fair, due to a health condition he's found it hard to work (but this is changing & he's applying for things left right & centre) so I am the sole earner, but even when he was working we still had a pretty equal split (although I do more with DD). So I don't think it's an inherently male thing, but absolutely it's about respect and seeing the relationship as a partnership. I do realise I am lucky.

Curry - could you go on strike? So he sees how much you do? Do you have any control over joint finances - could you reduce his discretionary money for a cleaner? Or give him a bill for your hours of cleaning? Although I don't know what that would achieve - but what do you WANT to achieve? It seems as though you think by raising this seriously with him it'll be a deal breaker - but when is it a deal breaker for you? Does he realise he may lose you? I'm not suggesting you should leave him, but right now he's got no incentive to up his game: he does a crap job, so you do it instead. You 'nag,' he strops, so you apologise and back down - it's win win for him.

I think you should really think about what you need him to do to show commitment to your relationship and respect for you - then you can start thinking about the best way to communicate this and what your own deal breaker is.

And good luck to the others (can't see names on p1 as on phone!) about to have conversations!!

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