one of the many "final straws", that are never final because I just apologise and start all over again, was recently when I took the kids out so he could do house stuff. He assembled our bed (which to be fair I could not have done on my own) which was in bits since we moved. But he did this in a small bedroom in which there was half a glass of red wine he had been drinking the night before. It got knocked and spilt of course, on the new cream carpet in our temporary rented place. I was so angry because 20 times just before going out I had clocked that glass, with full hands and doing something, and thought "I'll just come back for that before someone kicks it over - or should I? Shouldn't he do it? well I can't ask him to, he will kick off - well we are going out in a minute, he will surely move it before he starts flailing long bits of wood about". I went round in this mental circle so many times and finally went out, leaving it there, came back, saw the bed, hurray, "thank you so much for building the bed! ticker tape! balloons!" etc etc, and only a bit later realised there was a purple stain HE HADN'T CLEANED OR TOLD ME ABOUT.
Obviously I KNEW the tools would still be all over the floor waiting for the dcs to come and impale themselves on, obviously I KNEW I would be running up and down stairs putting dangerous things away immediately before getting dinner on, but ARGH! the red mist descended when I saw that stain. I had just had enough. I got cleaning stuff and he came up while I was cleaning it - he said, "let me do it" - I said (and this is when something snapped inside when I realised the horrible reality of what I was saying) "NO I NEED to do it because I need it done PROPERLY, NOW" and I realised that there is just no one on my side, if I don't do it, it will just be one of those half-arsed things that causes me more trouble later (in this case costs a lot of money off our deposit) and I felt so sad and angry and exposed that this is where I am: physically do it yourself, or it will just be shit. I scrubbed it for ages, properly, and it did come up, and I was shouting "you CAN get red wine off things IF you use the right stuff, IF you do it soon, and IF you do it properly, which means hard, for ages, even when you are tired and VERY VERY BORED!" and he just hated me, completely hated me.
Since then (and before probably) I have been all over mumsnet saying: cleaning is not negligibly easy, there are right and wrong ways of doing things, they disrespect us when they do it any old way and we pick up the pieces because a. we know how and b. we make the effort, and I am not sure how well we serve ourselves by saying "Oh FGS it's not rocket science" (which is the mn orthodoxy) because actually sometimes it is IS hard and I do a GREAT job when I can physically find the time and energy to do anything and goddammit, respect me for it!
then of course I apologised and square 1