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My husband is bored, moody, negative and controlling

(59 Posts)
Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 14:47:26

We have been together for 22 years and have 2 grown up sons. Both mid 40s. He has always been jealous, insecure which we have dealt with. I reassure him all the time and yet he is the biggest flirt ever. I have never and would never cheat or betray him. He however has betrayed my trust before. He is mentally abusive to me. He calls me names, tells me to fuck off. Calls me lazy, stupid etc. I don't respect him neither does our youngest son who has seen and heard his dad speak to me this way. He is a very negative person and is jealous of anyone that does well for themselves. We have a beautiful home, nice cars and money in the bank. We go out for meals regularly and until 2 years ago we holidayed in 5 star hotels. 2 years ago I had my first panic attack and gave suffered anxiety since. I have had therapy and they say its my husbands behaviour causing it. It has been terrible. I am on meds now. My friends have been very supportive he hasn't. He just wants his old wife back. He sees me as a possession. He wants me on his arm looking lovely.
He has stopped giving me housekeeping and instead tells me to put groceries and petrol on a credit card so ge can pay it off. We don't gave joint accounts. I have no access to cash.
He say he is bored with our lives. He wants to do things but doesn't know what. We have different interests. He goes out regularly with lads and I don't. He us drinking more and goes to the pub most nights from work. He lies to me all the time.
I have told him he needs to change.
His only issue with me is that I never initiate sex. I tell him it's because I don't feel loved. Also the meds I am on effect this.
One son has left home and the youngest is 18. My parents and friends don't like how my husband treats me.
I am scared to leave though. Please advice if anyone has any.

nikaia60 Tue 30-Apr-13 11:49:18

My pleasure, Jamatmum. All you need to do is to start walking towards that better future, one step at a time.

Keep us posted, we're here for you xx

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 22:39:19

Nik - thank you so much. You understand.

The exercise is brilliant. I have actually done that exercise 5 and 10 years ago and I was having the same problems. Do I want to be saying the same things in 5 years time only I will be 51 then.

The answer is no.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post. I really do appreciate it. I will keep you posted

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 21:27:35

Try this exercise to help you make the decision. In turn, picture two different futures for yourself, the one you'll have in 5 years time if you stay with him, and the alternative one, if you leave him. Think about them each in detail - what you'll have around you, what you'll be doing, what you'll be capable of, what will be important to you, what you'll believe about yourself, how you'll feel about life and where you're at. What's the difference? How much money is the better future worth to you? How does that compare with the financial difference between staying and leaving?

Brilliant. smile

wordyBird Mon 29-Apr-13 20:20:12

Take small, baby steps Jamatmum. This will help to control any anxiety, and that sense of being overwhelmed.

Just do one small thing at a time, and gradually, a plan of action will start to develop. Solicitor's appointment is a great place to start.

beachyhead Mon 29-Apr-13 20:19:29

That's a great post Nik...

Well done,OP, on two major steps:
Discussing how your relationship is at the moment and deciding to see someone about making life better.

Keep posting. There is a wealth of experience and advice here. There will be hands to hold all the way to your new life.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 20:00:54

Good decision, OP

Don't tell him though, thinking it might jolt him into behaving better...keep your cards close to your chest

nikaia60 Mon 29-Apr-13 19:51:47

He sounds very much like my XP, and it took me a long time to leave him because he had eroded my self confidence to practically zero with his verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. It felt like a massive decision to leave him at the time, and we didn't even have kids! I was a nervous wreck though, extremely anxious and unhappy, always hoping that he would change and that things would get better. Needless to say they didn't, they got worse. His behaviour got more and more extreme as he tried harder to control me.

Thankfully I finally managed to get the strength together to leave him and IT WAS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE!! I felt free, I felt like a weight had been lifted, I felt like the world was my oyster. I went on holiday on my own and felt so liberated. I never looked back.

I'm telling you this because I know how hard it is to arrive at that decision. I can fully sympathise with you, having children with him and having been with him for a long time. I know it's a very tough step to take.

Believe me, though, once you take it you will be so very relieved that you did. Life is too short, way too short to waste it on a weak, insecure, jealous old bastard who can't take responsibility for his own issues and bullies others to feel powerful. It's too short to spend any more time feeling bound up with anxiety, feeling unloved and unvalued (if that's a word!), being spoken to like shit. You deserve so much more.
Try this exercise to help you make the decision. In turn, picture two different futures for yourself, the one you'll have in 5 years time if you stay with him, and the alternative one, if you leave him. Think about them each in detail - what you'll have around you, what you'll be doing, what you'll be capable of, what will be important to you, what you'll believe about yourself, how you'll feel about life and where you're at. What's the difference? How much money is the better future worth to you? How does that compare with the financial difference between staying and leaving?

NB. you're much stronger than you think you are (we all are!!)

TweedWasSoLastYear Mon 29-Apr-13 19:51:04

Firstly . Well done for being brave enough to post on here that your relationship isnt all that great. I know the nice house and the cars , holidays and hotels must look appealing to others, but seriously .. being told to F.O in front of your sons .. one day soon they will stand up to him and it could spiral out of control if tempers get frayed . They sound like good boys , and you have brought them up well .

Secondly. If you are going to talk to a solicitor ensure you have ALL financial info to hand first . MTG statements , bank details, wage slips , savings accounts , share certs ,bonus payments . everything. photo them or screen shot if neccessary

wipe your history from MN as well , if using a tablet or shared pc.

Be strong , he has ground you down . time to get back to being you without this abuser round your neck,
oh and a small unmn ( hug ) and some flowers

IamMrsJones Mon 29-Apr-13 19:36:05

Good luck! The appointment could just be the start of finding yourself again and the best move you've made in a while.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 18:54:05

Good luck - this could be the beginning of a great journey smile

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:45:24

Thank you. I will make an appointment with a solicitor and see where I stand.
Not one reply said stay and work it out.

MadameOvary Mon 29-Apr-13 18:22:42

Hello OP. You know you need to leave. I wish I could give you a taste of what life was like once you emerge from the shadow of abuse. It grinds you down and paralyses you so that you feel that you are glued to them, as if leaving will rip you in half. BUT this fear is what keeps you there. The lightening begins as soon as you leave. Every day you get stronger, and this process is accelerated if you reach out for help.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 18:17:36

If you are using your phone for this thread remember to delete your history. Get another cheap phone with a number so you can contact people freely.

What is it that you want to do - what would be the best solution for you?

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:11:24

No he just checks my phone

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 18:09:08

A solicitor will be able to explain more about finance. Does he check your internet use etc?

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:05:47

I am not worried about the material goods but I am worried about financial security.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 18:04:10

OK, love. You just reminded me of someone that posted of a similar situation on here.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:02:19

No this is the first time I have ever posted on here. Or anywhere for that matter.

No there isn't anything actually stopping me from leaving. Except my own doubts. And the endless questions I'm asking myself. What ifs!!!

IloveJudgeJudy Mon 29-Apr-13 17:59:36

I would also say LTB. My father was like this to DM (without the 5 star hotels). She didn't leave him, and the jealousy he felt for his sons (and grandsons) led to some big fallings out among our family later on. He didn't change. She felt bound to him for some kind of duty, or whatever. She has recently heard from her siblings that they thought she should have left him years ago (I think that's mean of them to say it now; they didn't say it and support her when she really needed it).

He tried to isolate her, but she has had to be really strong to deal with all that he has done over the years. He didn't break her, but she went right to the brink and had suicidal thoughts for quite a while.

Your life will be much better without him. You say your sons are very supportive of you. That's good. Doesn't mean they can't visit him. Don't waste your life. You are worth more than that. Material goods really aren't everything.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 17:56:28

That's great - essentially there is nothing stopping you except his control. Or is there something else?

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 17:54:02

You know your mental health is likely to improve dramatically if you remove his malign influence from your life, don't you ?

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 17:52:43

Have you posted before, under a different name, love ?

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 17:51:05

Wondering again. - eldest son doesn't live with us and works full time. Youngest is 18 and does live with us and has full time job.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 17:45:39

Go to your parents. Your sons know exactly what's going on, they are old enough to know that this is something that you need to do even if it means leaving them behind. If your eldest is 18 does he have A levels? Is he at a local school?

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 17:43:03

You are being abused. Bit by bit he has dragged you down and you are completely dependent on a man that has no interest in you other than as some kind of chattel.

You are married which helps you legally to get a very good deal upon divorce. However it will probably be very hard to get the divorce and you shouldn't expect it to go smoothly. So don't assume you can walk into a new life too easily - expect to need family to support you for a while. You will get everything back later, financially - I have no doubt about that.

The fact that he has abused you for all these years (yes it IS abuse), means that you may be able to prosecute him. This would prevent him from doing the same to the next woman that comes along and it may also increase any payout from him because he has effectively ruined your life with anxiety and misery and you may be able to claim for that 'damage'. However you will need evidence, any diaries or video footage, witnesses who may support you. A secret recording now might be helpful but be very careful.

The first thing you need is advice from Womens Aid and the second thing you need is a solicitor. Be careful about leaving. If you do, do it without him knowing in advance. Abusive men can turn violent when they find they have lost control of their victim, so bear this in mind.

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