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My husband is bored, moody, negative and controlling

(59 Posts)
Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 14:47:26

We have been together for 22 years and have 2 grown up sons. Both mid 40s. He has always been jealous, insecure which we have dealt with. I reassure him all the time and yet he is the biggest flirt ever. I have never and would never cheat or betray him. He however has betrayed my trust before. He is mentally abusive to me. He calls me names, tells me to fuck off. Calls me lazy, stupid etc. I don't respect him neither does our youngest son who has seen and heard his dad speak to me this way. He is a very negative person and is jealous of anyone that does well for themselves. We have a beautiful home, nice cars and money in the bank. We go out for meals regularly and until 2 years ago we holidayed in 5 star hotels. 2 years ago I had my first panic attack and gave suffered anxiety since. I have had therapy and they say its my husbands behaviour causing it. It has been terrible. I am on meds now. My friends have been very supportive he hasn't. He just wants his old wife back. He sees me as a possession. He wants me on his arm looking lovely.
He has stopped giving me housekeeping and instead tells me to put groceries and petrol on a credit card so ge can pay it off. We don't gave joint accounts. I have no access to cash.
He say he is bored with our lives. He wants to do things but doesn't know what. We have different interests. He goes out regularly with lads and I don't. He us drinking more and goes to the pub most nights from work. He lies to me all the time.
I have told him he needs to change.
His only issue with me is that I never initiate sex. I tell him it's because I don't feel loved. Also the meds I am on effect this.
One son has left home and the youngest is 18. My parents and friends don't like how my husband treats me.
I am scared to leave though. Please advice if anyone has any.

Sh1ney Mon 29-Apr-13 15:03:15

Well the only possible advice is to boot out the poor bored man child

TeamEdward Mon 29-Apr-13 15:06:13

He sounds like a catch.

No real advice I'm afraid, unless you count LTB as sound advice.

Would he consider joint counselling?

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:07:34

Would you like me to help you put him under the patio?

Are there any good bits?

Your H will never be happy and has dragged you down with him to the pitiful shell of a person you are now. I am certain that before you met him you were an awful lot happier.

Joint counselling is a complete non starter here due to the ongoing types of abuse you are suffering at his hands. Counselling for your own self alone would be helpful.

He is the main cause of your unhappiness and I think that if you were brave enough to give him the boot your depressive state would lift.

Such controlling behaviour is abusive and such men do not change.

What on earth do your sons think of him - and of you for staying with him?.

Its never too late to leave, its only too late when you are dead.

If you are UK based Womens Aid can and will help you here. You need to take the first, often the most hardest of steps though, to leave him and to make a new life for yourself. It can be done but you will need to take that first step for yourself.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:29:57

Nottreadinggrapes that made me laugh.

Erm..... Good bits? They are really security and material things. I would be voluntarily putting myself in a situation financially that would be really hard. There is a physical attraction still. We have been together so long it's hard to decide to leave

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:36:24

Attila - yes you are right I was happier. My friends and family cannot believe how much I have changed.
I am questioning myself. Do I expect too much. ?

He is jealous of our sons. Of their lives. They both work. They have great social lives and holidays. They are really lovely boys. But my oh is jealous of everything they do. They have had to lie about holidays they are having this year. Which is ridiculous. But he makes us feel sorry for him

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:38:10

Being jealous of your own children for what....? For their youth?

That is extremely odd.

What do your children think of their father?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:38:23

You can still have a reasonable amount of security and material things if you split, you know? Don't stay trapped in a cage for the sake of a few quid, will you? Talk to a solicitor about what your position would be in the event of a divorce and do some other research about what it would really mean to be independent financially. I'm a single woman with a nearly teenager, we have a modest & occasionally financially challenged but thoroughly enjoyable lifestyle and - best of all - it's 'all my own work'. I don't have to rely on some idiot bloke for anything.

Really... get informed, get motivated, get supported & think about a future that is all yours where you don't have someone telling you to 'fuck off' all the time.. and you can kiss your meds goodbye

carriedawayannie Mon 29-Apr-13 15:42:29

Your sons have had to lie about their holiday - did you ever think you would be in a position where this seemed normal?

I don't continuing in this life is going to bring you a lot of happiness.

Twitterqueen Mon 29-Apr-13 15:43:33

This is not good. It's obviously a very, very unhealthy relationship - which you know because you're suffering anxiety.

You know what you have to do but I appreciate that the energy and effort you will need to do so probably feels unsurmountable at the moment.

Could you go and stay with one of your sons for a few days? That would give the distance and perspective and maybe the strength too..

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:47:13

Not treading grapes - he is jealous of our sons social lives. The designer clothes they buy( with their own money). Their relationship with me. I Always put the kids first. (Dont all mums?).
I gave one of the boys £10 last week. And he flipped. That isn't your money to give him. It's mine he said. You are taking the piss. Blah blah blah all in front of the 18 year old.
Yesterday he called me a lazy bitch again in front of our son. My son said Dad stop being a pig to mum.
He apologised an hour later. I have told him its not acceptable. He say I wind him up.

He said to me ' for 2 weeks before Xmas I tried to be nice to you and where did that get me'

Ermmmmm it dies sound bad as I am typing it. But unfortunately it's true

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:50:25

So what's your next step? What do you feel comfortable doing that could start to get you out of this situation?

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:51:10

He is Jekyll and Hyde. Good looking and charming on occasions and then abusive and nasty on others.

My family and friends aren't local. But I could go and stay with them. I don't know how this would help though

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 29-Apr-13 15:52:52

Sheesh, does he keep a tally of when he's nice to you?

Seriously, LTB.

Start looking at the financial help you could get, and make your getaway plans. I'm guessing you are about my age (late 40s) and nowhere is it written that just because you have been with this pig for a long time that that's all there is.

Would you be happier without him? (don't worry, I'm not packing my shovel wink but can you see yourself happily settled somewhere on your own? Starting again? Without the burden of the eggshell treading from this presumptive self-entitled knobber?

If the answer is yes, then start planning. There is always a way. smile

LeChatRouge Mon 29-Apr-13 16:00:29

I think you have options.

You can stay living with him and create a separate life to him. Get a job, new friends, evening class, go out to dinner without him, go on holiday without him. Join a gym or art group or book club or volunteer for something locally. See if this creates a shift. You might decide he's not for you anymore and finally sever the remaining ties. Or you might be able to reconnect and salvage something.

Or you can go and stay with friends/relatives and have a serious think about making a break. What would this mean practically, emotionally, financially.

It is normal for people to feel like he does at his age. Youth is slipping away, the kids are young, attractive, free with a life ahead of them. This is a reason, not an excuse, for his behaviour.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 16:01:06

Going to stay with family or friends will help you because it'll get you out of the cage for a while, give you time to think and breathe without his malevolent influence. You are frightened about your future at the moment and I think it is very beneficial to taste freedom, feel the tension go out of your shoulders, and experience what life could be like if you ditched him completely. Visit them, go travelling, in short do exactly what you please for a while..... that's how life could be 24/7.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 16:02:22

@LeChatRouge... 'reconnect and salvage' something with an emotionally abusive man that tells her to fuck off regularly and not to spend a tenner because it's 'his' money hmm????

i think you will be alot happier without him, and i think you know that too

i hope you can find the bravery to make the rest of your life your own and really enjoy the rest of your life

he sounds liek a righht arse who likes being miserable

NomNomDePlum Mon 29-Apr-13 16:07:57

sorry you've wasted so much time with him. don't waste any more.

dump the fucker

There is nothing to "reconnect" or "salvage" here LeChatRouge. And no it is not normal for people to feel like that at his age either unless they are abusive.

Jamatmum, you cannot reason with an abuser like your H; chances are as well he has always been abusive and you have become conditioned into accepting his abusive treatment of you as your lot in life. Your sons likely detest their dad and wonder of you why you are still there wasting your life on such an abusive man.

The person whom you had therapy with is right - it is your H causing all this along with your anxiety and overall depressed state. He put you there in that hole he dug for you. He is counting on you staying in that hole. You are only seen as his possession to keep in a gilded cage made out of his own paranoia.

For goodness sake do not stay for the sake of a better financial situation because you're actually being financially abused by him as well.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 16:30:05

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

The decision to leave is massive. I did go and stay with my parents in feb for 2 weeks. I had only planned on going for 3 days. I had no anxiety whilst I was there and there unconditional love and support was what I needed.

My oh made an effort for a week and then it's gone back to how it was before I left.

I have told him exactly what I need and want from our relationship but he doesn't listen. He us all about grand gestures. But he doesn't do any of the little things that would mean the world to me. The REAL love things that my friends all do. Even when I have spelt it out he doesn't get it. I wonder if he knows me at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 16:36:00

So stop flogging this dead horse, repeat staying with your parents, find a place to live and start talking to solicitors. You can have zero anxiety, love and support in spades.... plus your half of the marital assets to make that fresh start you so clearly need.

The decision to leave is indeed massive but you really cannot spend the rest of your years like this suffering as you are. You are but a pathetic shell of your own former self; your family see all too clearly what you perhaps cannot as yet fully face up to or even want to face.

Your H is abusive and such men do not change. You've probably hung on in there in the forlorn hope that he will one day have an epiphany and apologise for all the rubbish he has put you through - it will not happen. These men can do nice/nasty very well but its all part of the usual script such abusive men follow. This individual is one of the worst examples of abusive and controlling men I have read about.

He only loves his own self but I doubt very much he knows what love is. You and everyone else around him mean nothing to him. His behaviour towards you says as much; he is doing everything possible to hurt you.

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