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Forgave my H for being on a dating site last Summer,now find he was on a more sinister site to meet others for sex

(170 Posts)
SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 11:32:47

Hi
My H and I have had a bumpy few years in the past but just after we had a few blissful years I found my H had been on match.com. He went as far as opening a profile, pretty vague ,no photo just basic details, I spoke too soon to see if he used the site. In he insight I should of left things for a while before confronting him. He said it was an old site but I saw the date opened was April 12.
As I hadn't ant proof he had taken it any further than curiosity and the account was closed I put it all behind me but obviously it haunted me in the back of my mind.
Now a friend has told me his profile is on a site where people meet other married people for affairs. I checked the profile out and low and behold my husband is there looking back at me, using his real name, knocked a few years off his age though.
From what I can see he was last on the site last summer meaning he hasn't been on the site since I found out about the match.com but by the look of things he was on both sites at the same time.
I haven't any proof he has met any one but I didn't know about this affair site when we discussed things last year and I dropped it.
This seems a bit too seedy to me and I find seeing the lengths he went to to fill in this profile alarming to say the least.
Do I leave this new revelation as I was last year and I already forgave my H last year or do I bring out this new evidence of something he posted but no proof he has done anything?
How do I judge wether he has taken this any further than just making out a profile, the dating site felt harmless by my gut feeling, this has my mind going all over the place.
I am afraid to make a wrong judgement and end my marriage when even this could be innocent & on the other hand I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back & I know if I confront him he will obviously deny this .
We had been getting on so well until I found out he had joined the date site last year, it now looks like he was on 2 sites!

SmileyEyez Mon 27-May-13 21:54:33

Hi BerylStreep

He isn't know I know anything about his latest indiscretion, though it was last year and I only found out a while ago, so our life is pretty much the same to him and the family?

Luckily I am a positive type of person and the last disclosure about my H if anything made me realise at long last , is my marriage is over and my H won't ever change.
It's a bit calculating but over time I felt everything was my fault, but this time I realise he has issues and there isn't anything I can do about it and I can't change the situation nor him.

This to me is my grieving stage , my fair well in silence to a man I do love but a man I can't spend he rest of my life with.

My children's futures are the Most important things in my life and their exams are looming and impending and I can't let my H actions affect their lives, which is my priority. I chose to be a mum to protect them as much as I can. The exams finish in June and then. Will take the bull by the horns and face the lovely man I love with and ask him to leave .
I wold prefer o leave but finances mean I have to stay home and ask him to leave.
Life is normal , he has no idea I know anything , I walk with a dagger in my heart but its only or a few more weeks!!! smile

BerylStreep Mon 27-May-13 17:45:02

Good luck with it.

How can you try to detach in the meantime? Can you busy yourself so that you limit the amount of contact you have with him in the house?

Do you have a spare room you can go to?

SmileyEyez Sun 26-May-13 22:00:50

Beryl Streep , I have spent months knowing what I want to happen, I just had others to think about. My eldest has his last law exam next week and has 2 job offers , my job is done and now time to deal with the Rat! Lol xxx

SmileyEyez Sun 26-May-13 21:58:26

Hi, thank you both for that, feeling a bit invisible ,.
Kids will have finished there exams after 28 June, I tried the solicitors but they charge here, no free half an hour!
As time has passed by I know I am happy to leave the marriage , no amount if niceness can change anything.

I think bidding my time has been good fir me and yes my ducks are in place .

I just wanted to get a clear head and work things through, presenting him with the profile will be the end of our marriage , hopefully he will walk away , if not I am strong enough to guide him in his way,.

Thank you for checking out my posts, I feel a bit if a ghost as it is, to know two people are there to guide me makes me feel less lone. Xx

Distrustinggirlnow Sun 26-May-13 21:18:59

Hello smiley smile
I'm sorry to hear you're finding this difficult, but not surprised. I wouldn't have even been able to go a day without saying something!

All I can say is remember why you're doing this, remember why you're holding on. Your day will come.

You're doing so well envy

BerylStreep Sun 26-May-13 20:47:26

Have you got any legal advice yet?

What do you intend to achieve by 'presenting him with his profile'? Are you going to ask him to leave, get a divorce?

I tank you need to be very clear about what you want, and spend some time getting your ducks in a row.

SmileyEyez Thu 23-May-13 10:04:54

Hi
Sorry to pop up again, just feel I am struggling and still four weeks until the kids exams are over and then I am going to present their dad with his profile on the sex site!

Finding it hard to get motivated, my legs feel heavy and no energy left or zest, I can't believe how bottling thus in is draining me fast, that I am scared I will be too shattered to tackle him next month.
At the same time I think I am digging myself a hole , I am finding it extremely difficult to be civil to my H thus making myself look unbearable to live with, giving him all the excuses and reasons to back up why he visits these sites, but I am worn out holding on. sad smile

Harriet67 Mon 20-May-13 08:44:02

smileyEyez I hope you get some good advice and find the best solution for you xxx

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 21:07:30

smile

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 18:34:03

You are right BerylStreep, I think it would be childish and make me look like the person he wants me to portray too, I would be falling into his hands, I was just a childish idea. You are right, the prize is a stress free life and to get on with it .
I have got in touch with the friend, life is too short to let my husband ruin my life. Xx

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 17:46:35

I agree with Math. The threats about exposing him only lower you to his level.

Ultimately, this is between you and him. Not your friends, his mother, his ex or his kids. Who cares what they think, because they will think whatever they want anyway.

You sound like you want to score points off him. Don't. (I can understand why you do, because it sounds like that is his game, twisting and blaming and humiliating, but that's the sort of destructive behaviour you want to be rid of, not engage in yourself).

Play the long game, with the future prize being you being happy and no longer married to him. Imagine being able to be friends with who you want (perhaps you could resume your friendship with your former friend); not having someone who supposedly loves you spreading rumours; not worrying who your ex is sleeping with, or what seedy sites he is on; not being groped and shagged at his (insatiable) convenience.

I think you need to get some expert legal advice ASAP, even of you don't act on it straight away. FWIW I think that signing up to sex sites is sufficient to cite unreasonable behaviour.

mathanxiety Tue 14-May-13 14:51:03

I don't know about using a threat wrt the profiles -- delicious though the thought may be. It's one of those things that you would like to do with every sinew of your being, and it would be the just thing to do in many respects, but holding it over his head in hopes of making him 'be reasonable' wouldn't go down well with a divorce court judge.

Just tell him you have seen enough and you are tired of doing marriage all by yourself -- and if he remonstrates give him a raised eyebrow/'tired of the crap' look, and tell him it's over. Tell him he needs to go and get himself a solicitor and that you have nothing more to say on the matter. He will protest, but plough ahead and just end this according to your own schedule.

Get yourself a solicitor before you tell him to get himself one, and tell him you have already hired one when you have the final conversation (because someone like him is likely to poison the local waters by getting a free half hour out of every solicitor within 25 miles, thus making it impossible for them to take you on as a client).

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 12:24:07

Remember though, this is not just about the profiles, which he'll excuse away, this is about the choices he continues to make which are selfish, disrespectful and hurtful and it is these which have ultimately damaged your marriage.

Those profiles are just one example of such behaviour.

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 12:18:45

Thank you x

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 12:14:02

Not at all, although I would refrain from bringing his children into it, adult or otherwise.
Instead I would simply tell him that you have saved all the profiles you have found and they are all contained on an email which has the addresses of his family and friends.

Tell him that you are saving them as backup because you don't feel that he will be reasonable about your split but if he can take responsibility for his actions and behave like a mature adult, then the profiles will not be sent.

Remember that he will try to use your friend against you, but he has no evidence, just hearsay whereas you have the evidence.

Good luck

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 12:09:32

Lol I have been trying to get in trim and even booked a make over for this Friday !
My aim is , while in this present frame of mind, to make myself look the best I can, present him with the copy of the profile on the now various sites, along with a letter addressed to each member of his family( including ex wife and two adult kids) containing copies of the profile.

And tell him he has ended our marriage and its time to leave gracefully other wise All the letters will be posted ! A bit cruel and childish ? Xx

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 12:01:58

He made you think you were being too critical. You weren't.

Don't settle for second best, he's not the man who is going to make you happy. You gave it your best shot, you tried you best but ultimately you cannot change who he is. He'll never be satisfied because he selfishly demands too much. He needs a domestic sex slave, not an independently minded woman.

Tell your friends and family the truth. Wish him luck in his search for a slave and move on. It would be a crime to waste any more of your life on this creep. That's all time you can't have back.

You should arrange a night out and really let your hair down. A celebration of your new-found freedom!

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 11:56:51

You got it in one there THERhubarb, I do feel more like his mother now!

You are really helping me to see things for what they are and what I saw myself but I thought I was being too critical , smile

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 11:49:57

I'd be tempted to take screen shots of his dating profiles and send them to her, but you know what she'd say right? That you forced her son to look elsewhere.

Look, you married a child. I'm sorry but that's the bottom line here. You will always be held responsible for anything which goes wrong in your marriage. You will be responsible for not "making" him happy and not fulfilling his needs.

He thinks the universe revolves around him but with potentially a second failed marriage behind him, he either gets his head out of his own arse or he continues this pattern of self destruction. I doubt he'll find anyone who is willing to be both his dutiful wife, passionate lover and mother all rolled into one so he is destined for a very lonely life ahead.

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 11:43:58

Lol so many people have told me that recently and probably is soo very true if him . He seems to do things on impulse, forget he has done it. His mother is an over bearing women who has always smothered her sons and they can never do wrong. In our going out days, he had, had too much to drink and after a row and I was going home I asked his mother to prevent him from following me, just in case he did as he was well over the limit! All I got was, my son isn't drunk, he doesn't do things like that , but the fact was, he was as drunk as a skunk , and she couldn't see it. In the scale of things that story is nothing really but the reason I always remember it was, she was so blind, her son was perfect and he could of got in his car and driven, luckily he didn't , so yes I know he is still spoilt by his mother.

Last time we separated , she then wouldn't accept it had anything to do with my H and she told my husband that one day she called at my house while he was at work and my best friends car was in our drive, she said she knocked on the door and I didn't answer, she left it to my husband to assume. Was in bed with my best friend( the best friend I had to give up) , I know for a fact to this day, that if I wasn't in my house we were walking my dogs if I didn't answer the door, the reason I know this even though I haven't got a clue which day she is talking about is because, nothing ever happened between us. But instead of accepting her son had been thrown out due to him messing around, she turned it around on me!,,,,, lol that still makes me fume even now !

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 11:21:19

I wonder what went wrong with his first marriage then? Probably something very similar.

Remember, this is his choice, not yours. He has chosen to break up the marriage due to his controlling, selfish and deceitful behaviour. You would happily stay married if he was a decent human being.

He sounds like a spoilt brat who is used to getting his own way and can't cope when he doesn't. He blames everyone else for his actions and won't take any responsibility himself.

You won't change him. Only he has the power to do that.

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 10:50:29

He is pretty anti establishment, for a very shy and quiet man, he gets angry at the Arrive Alive van being parked in our roads, the police and of course Fathers having to pay CSA etc since he was married before and knows the ropes.
When we had problems a few years back, due to something similar , he refused to move out and lived in our old Caravan for a few months. He felt that me asking him to leave was the marriage breaker and he was going to make everything difficult for me. He was going to leave his job , make himself homeless so the house would have to be sold and he was going to make me half responsible for his debts, all this was talk but we got back together ,foolishly because I thought he would change, but he didn't .

You are right mathanxiety I want to walk away and start fresh and be free of him, something inside me though won't let him not only ruin our lives with this, but I can't turn everything over to him either .

mathanxiety Tue 14-May-13 02:31:47

Ugh, believes fathers get a raw deal in divorce -- this is sounding uglier and uglier. I am getting a picture of a really horrible man from your posts.

I know you have rights and if you go to a solicitor you will find you are entitled to X and Y and Z, but if I were you what I would hold more precious than material property and rights to it would be your dignity, which it seems he has gradually gnawed away at over the years

THERhubarb Mon 13-May-13 14:01:40

Write it all down if it helps.

I am guessing the house is in both your names, so you pay half the mortgage.
Your children live there and you don't want to unsettle him, neither should he.
It would be easier for him, as the main earner, to find a house to rent. I don't know if you work but if you don't then you might struggle as a lot of private landlords don't like taking in HB claimants.
So logic and reason dictates that actually he should leave and get a place of his own, however without his mortgage contribution you might struggle so make sure you get CAB advice - you can't get HB payments for mortgages.

I think you would fare better with some real life support around you, so do open up to people. Tell them what is happening so that they can offer you support, don't wait until he tells them his biased version of events - get in there first. Your story will be the one they remember then, not his.

When you do tell him, if you think he is going to be unreasonable then have a friend on standby who can come round to be with you.

Yes he will try to blame you if he's a coward. Remember though that you haven't forced him to join married dating sites, you haven't forced him into treating you like a sexual object, you haven't forced him into being a liar. He is already these things.

Always be ready to turn it around and ask what he would do if you behaved in this manner? You already have an inkling of exactly what he would do, so remember that and use it to your advantage. Don't feel guilty, after all he didn't feel guilty when he falsely accused you did he? He didn't feel guilty when he told your friends and family and he still doesn't feel guilty about using it to silence you during every argument.

You've given him plenty of chances, he has betrayed you, he should do the decent thing now and make plans to move out so that you have the freedom you so deserve.

SmileyEyez Mon 13-May-13 13:15:56

Thank you , I will bare that in mind.
I would feel better all round if I stayed in my home, I am scared to confront him I guess, but not when you put it as you did , I need to stand my ground , xx

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