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Forgave my H for being on a dating site last Summer,now find he was on a more sinister site to meet others for sex

(170 Posts)
SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 11:32:47

Hi
My H and I have had a bumpy few years in the past but just after we had a few blissful years I found my H had been on match.com. He went as far as opening a profile, pretty vague ,no photo just basic details, I spoke too soon to see if he used the site. In he insight I should of left things for a while before confronting him. He said it was an old site but I saw the date opened was April 12.
As I hadn't ant proof he had taken it any further than curiosity and the account was closed I put it all behind me but obviously it haunted me in the back of my mind.
Now a friend has told me his profile is on a site where people meet other married people for affairs. I checked the profile out and low and behold my husband is there looking back at me, using his real name, knocked a few years off his age though.
From what I can see he was last on the site last summer meaning he hasn't been on the site since I found out about the match.com but by the look of things he was on both sites at the same time.
I haven't any proof he has met any one but I didn't know about this affair site when we discussed things last year and I dropped it.
This seems a bit too seedy to me and I find seeing the lengths he went to to fill in this profile alarming to say the least.
Do I leave this new revelation as I was last year and I already forgave my H last year or do I bring out this new evidence of something he posted but no proof he has done anything?
How do I judge wether he has taken this any further than just making out a profile, the dating site felt harmless by my gut feeling, this has my mind going all over the place.
I am afraid to make a wrong judgement and end my marriage when even this could be innocent & on the other hand I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back & I know if I confront him he will obviously deny this .
We had been getting on so well until I found out he had joined the date site last year, it now looks like he was on 2 sites!

BeCool Tue 07-May-13 13:56:19

I used an online dating site years ago - I was automatically linked into loads of different dating websites which was very annoying. I don't recall being asked and if I was I would not have consented. It just happened.

SmileyEyez Tue 07-May-13 13:58:26

Hi,
Yes it did cross my mind, he showed me emails from his company and letters with the company stamp franked on the envelopes too, but yes I wondered if he got someone to email him from work and send him the letter too .

This may seem a bit weird to you, but I wouldn't put anything past him now , and I am beyond caring, I am counting the days and using the days together to my advantage , ie just collecting info for the solicitors and waiting to change my job too, and looking for rented accommodation, all take time.

The only Benoit to all this is, I have time to collect my feelings, silently say goodbye and accept my marriage has died a million deaths. This way I am in the safety of my own home, my kids happy as I get my head and feelings around what I am going to do. Xx

THERhubarb Wed 08-May-13 13:51:36

He has gone to extraordinary lengths to present you with evidence hasn't he?

I take it you have told him what you have discovered?

I don't know about the multiple sites bit but it is possible I suppose that their profiles are put on other sister sites because these men will have paid to join and so they obviously want something for their money. By putting them on various other sites they have a higher chance of getting somewhere.

He could have made contact with someone already and come to an "arrangement" with her. Let's face it, why would he pay to join if he didn't want an affair? That would be the main issue for me, that he fully intended to have an affair and even used our money to pay for it.

I wish you lots of luck for the future x

THERhubarb Sat 11-May-13 11:25:08

Just wondered how things are?

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 11:47:52

Hi, THErhubarb, just seen your last two posts.

No I haven't told him yet that I know about the sex site or sites as it stands now.

Things are the same, up and down , feel like poo too, he is fixing my gear box on my car at the moment as its on its way out and without a get away car I am stuck! ( just making light)

Today I don't know why , I feel sick and violated if that makes any sense.

THERhubarb Sat 11-May-13 12:21:18

Hmmm, I think you will carry this feeling of bitterness and resentment with you inside which will actually make you feel ill. You are holding it all in and apart from on here, have you told anyone in real life?

You need to let rip. Keeping this inside you will not do you any good in the long run. I'm a firm believer in communication and although I know you don't like confrontations you will actually feel released once you've let it all out.

If you are making plans to leave then I think it's only fair to tell him. You don't have to listen to his pleas or his denials or his excuses because after all, we know now that this goes far deeper than a profile on a dating site. This is about his treatment of you, his selfishness, his control issues and your feelings of being used like a slab of meat in the bedroom. You are not compatible and he needs to know this so that you can both move on.

Please don't make yourself ill over this. It's a horrible thing to carry around inside you. Let it go and start to move on xxx

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 13:41:29

He will only deny everything,

I will end up believing him,

I will always be here,

And he will do it again? Xx

THERhubarb Sat 11-May-13 15:28:32

Fair enough SmileyEyez but I think you should have more faith in yourself than that. You have this thread to remind you of all the salient points made, to remind you of how he makes you feel, to remind you of the bigger issues behind the sites.

But by all means, make your escape first, set the wheels in motion and start towards gaining financial independence. Find yourself somewhere to stay, set up your own bank account, start applying for benefits that you might be entitled to and then leave. Once you are in a safe place you might feel stronger. Good luck.

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 15:49:31

Sorry, I hope you didn't think my last post a bit blunt THERhubarb, it wasn't meant to be?

I have told a couple of people about the situation, who also new about the past things too, 4 persons.

They are all in agreement, the move is the best bet as other things haven't worked before and I always fall for the tears of regret, but in my heart I know this time is time.

It is a cowards way out, but what he does is too?

I have set my heart on starting fresh and leaving my lovely home behind, but this too holds all my memories, I need to wake up, looking out of another bedroom window to start my new life and take on a set of new responsibilities .

Already looking to rent, a. Shortage of places to take my prize possession , my dog, a girls best friend, couldn't leave her behind!

I will copy all the posts to reread at my leisure to inspire me that I am not wrong to want out of this, as there is a massive amount of guilt in this.

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 20:38:36

Sitting here watching Britains got talent with husband.

Tell me, am I being a prude not wanting my bum pinched or boobs groped in a normal course of life .

When I rejected these tweaks during making tea, he said, oh, I guess that means I have to make an appointment or ask permission before I touch you?

Am I being unreasonable? Xx

crazyhead Sat 11-May-13 20:47:59

I don't like what this says about your husband, OP, regardless of what has happened. To be honest, I can see how at a very rocky point in a relationship an otherwise faithful and decent person could fall 'in love' with a colleague and have a much regretted affair. Of course it isn't ideal but there is an understandable narrative to it.

But your husband signed up to these two sites in completely cold blood, because he felt entitled to 'extras' on the quiet. That isn't the rash act of a confused man, that is plain duplicity and selfishness. Is that really what you want in a marriage?

expatinscotland Sat 11-May-13 20:56:33

'Tell me, am I being a prude not wanting my bum pinched or boobs groped in a normal course of life .

When I rejected these tweaks during making tea, he said, oh, I guess that means I have to make an appointment or ask permission before I touch you?

Am I being unreasonable? Xx'

You are married to a lying, cheating skank who sees you as a fucktoy and gets annoyed when you don't put up with it.

Any person who fondled me like that would see the kerb close up during the dating stage.

SmileyEyez Sat 11-May-13 21:22:52

That's why I immediately posted on here, he seems to think by my notwanting to be treated like a 12 year old fumble, I have issues,

I grew my lady bits instead of shaving to the skin, as a way to get at him as one of the other threads, and all I get is derogatory comments too.

Am I wrong to think if you truly love each other all this knits together as a joint thing, not a one way ticket.

I am not in my 20,s, 30's or 40's any more, though I am a fit healthy good looking 50 something, mistaken for late 30's on a good day!

At times like this I feel like I am an old fuddy duddy spoiling his fun, and no wonder he looks else where?

But I know this doesn't happen in the right relationship??? ;) smile

mathanxiety Sun 12-May-13 06:00:31

He has sucked the confdidence out of you all right.

Leverette Sun 12-May-13 07:09:42

You are not responsible for any of his crappy behaviours. Do not blame yourself!

If there has been anything to be unhappy about, he could have and should have calmly and constructively discussed it like an adult.

The groping thing shows he regards himself as your owner. He is genuinely bewildered that he should ask first before touching you - because you belong into him so why can't he just help himself?

THERhubarb Sun 12-May-13 21:05:34

You know it's difficult to advise when you don't know the context. My dh might pat my bum in a friendly way or make a playful grab of my boobs but the context is always right. With you, that's not the message I'm getting.

I don't know why you have to leave exactly but I guess that's how you feel it must be? I think you are realising that you no longer love your h and you are now ready for life without him. That will take courage and I really do think you are up to it.

Once you start to see someone in a different light, the realities of the situation can engulf you. Make some time for yourself, confide in some good friends and don't ever be afraid to ask for help. There is nothing people love more than helping a friend in need. It makes them feel useful and constructive.

Take care x

SmileyEyez Sun 12-May-13 22:44:12

Do you mean, why do I have to leave, or why am I leaving him, THERhubarb? As in staying and asking him to leave after the sex site revelations? Xx

THERhubarb Mon 13-May-13 11:40:09

As in, why you feel you need to leave the marital home instead of throwing him out? I get the impression that you are making plans to leave when really, he called time on your marriage long ago so he should be the one packing his bags.

SmileyEyez Mon 13-May-13 12:14:17

Lol you had me going then THERhubarb, I thought for one moment you thought I should stay with him.

I just don't think he would leave, he will deny everything and make it plausible or excusable, he feels this is his home, he pays the mortgage and has rights.

He is a string believer that fathers in divorce , get a raw deal and he will stick by his guns!

Plus I am a coward !

THERhubarb Mon 13-May-13 12:29:44

Remember though, that he made the choice to end this marriage when he set up that profile. His behaviour towards you has just exacerbated that. He has no regard for your feelings, he puts his needs before yours, he lies and he is clearly not to be trusted. Those are all choices he has made.

You on the other hand, have gone along with his behaviour, you have tried to please him and you have believed him and forgiven him. You placed your trust in him and he has betrayed you. If the boot were on the other foot - if he found profiles of you on a dating site, would he believe your excuses? Would he accept that it was mere curiosity? Would he hell! He didn't believe your friendship with a man you knew before he came along so it does seem as though it's one rule for you and another rule for him.

You have rights too so make sure you know what they are. And you are no coward. You might not have much confidence in yourself but you're not a coward.

SmileyEyez Mon 13-May-13 13:15:56

Thank you , I will bare that in mind.
I would feel better all round if I stayed in my home, I am scared to confront him I guess, but not when you put it as you did , I need to stand my ground , xx

THERhubarb Mon 13-May-13 14:01:40

Write it all down if it helps.

I am guessing the house is in both your names, so you pay half the mortgage.
Your children live there and you don't want to unsettle him, neither should he.
It would be easier for him, as the main earner, to find a house to rent. I don't know if you work but if you don't then you might struggle as a lot of private landlords don't like taking in HB claimants.
So logic and reason dictates that actually he should leave and get a place of his own, however without his mortgage contribution you might struggle so make sure you get CAB advice - you can't get HB payments for mortgages.

I think you would fare better with some real life support around you, so do open up to people. Tell them what is happening so that they can offer you support, don't wait until he tells them his biased version of events - get in there first. Your story will be the one they remember then, not his.

When you do tell him, if you think he is going to be unreasonable then have a friend on standby who can come round to be with you.

Yes he will try to blame you if he's a coward. Remember though that you haven't forced him to join married dating sites, you haven't forced him into treating you like a sexual object, you haven't forced him into being a liar. He is already these things.

Always be ready to turn it around and ask what he would do if you behaved in this manner? You already have an inkling of exactly what he would do, so remember that and use it to your advantage. Don't feel guilty, after all he didn't feel guilty when he falsely accused you did he? He didn't feel guilty when he told your friends and family and he still doesn't feel guilty about using it to silence you during every argument.

You've given him plenty of chances, he has betrayed you, he should do the decent thing now and make plans to move out so that you have the freedom you so deserve.

mathanxiety Tue 14-May-13 02:31:47

Ugh, believes fathers get a raw deal in divorce -- this is sounding uglier and uglier. I am getting a picture of a really horrible man from your posts.

I know you have rights and if you go to a solicitor you will find you are entitled to X and Y and Z, but if I were you what I would hold more precious than material property and rights to it would be your dignity, which it seems he has gradually gnawed away at over the years

SmileyEyez Tue 14-May-13 10:50:29

He is pretty anti establishment, for a very shy and quiet man, he gets angry at the Arrive Alive van being parked in our roads, the police and of course Fathers having to pay CSA etc since he was married before and knows the ropes.
When we had problems a few years back, due to something similar , he refused to move out and lived in our old Caravan for a few months. He felt that me asking him to leave was the marriage breaker and he was going to make everything difficult for me. He was going to leave his job , make himself homeless so the house would have to be sold and he was going to make me half responsible for his debts, all this was talk but we got back together ,foolishly because I thought he would change, but he didn't .

You are right mathanxiety I want to walk away and start fresh and be free of him, something inside me though won't let him not only ruin our lives with this, but I can't turn everything over to him either .

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 11:21:19

I wonder what went wrong with his first marriage then? Probably something very similar.

Remember, this is his choice, not yours. He has chosen to break up the marriage due to his controlling, selfish and deceitful behaviour. You would happily stay married if he was a decent human being.

He sounds like a spoilt brat who is used to getting his own way and can't cope when he doesn't. He blames everyone else for his actions and won't take any responsibility himself.

You won't change him. Only he has the power to do that.

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