Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I overreacting?

(59 Posts)
HittingTheRoof Sun 28-Apr-13 22:28:27

I have a feeling this may be long and I've namechanged. DP grew up with an alcoholic father (who he hasn't seen for 15 years) and a mother with alcohol problems (regularly drinks until she can't speak, will request wine at strange times of the day and sulks if we don't have any). DP recognises that his DF is an alcoholic but is in complete denial that his DM drinks too much as she still holds down a job and doesn't drink every day.

DP doesn't drink that often but like his mum he can sometimes go way to far once he does drink and end up insensible.

Today we attended a family party, we took 4 mo DS. DP drank a lot, to the point where he was slurring his words and being annoyingly useless, i.e. couldn't pack the car, losing my car keys, asking me stupid questions 8000 times etc.

When we got home he heated a bottle for DS, I went to get it while he made himself and our 2 friends a drink. It was way too hot but he insisted he'd made it the right way and got affronted when I cooled it in a bowl of water. No big deal but his reaction to me cooling it was just a bit hmm.

He then picked up DS and started throwing him about straight after his bottle and drunkenly stumbled over whilst holding him. He managed to hold him up so that DS didn't hit the floor but DP did land on his knees.

I shouted at him to give me the baby and he asked if I was trying to say he was a bad father. I took the baby and he sat down. He then made himself another alcoholic drink to show me he wasn't that drunk, was promptly sick and went to bed at 8pm.

I drove my friends home (took DS obviously), fed DS, made his bottles for the night feeds and washed up from tea all with this face on angry.

DP's still unconscious and it's no use trying to get any sense out of him now. Tomorrow I'm going to read the riot act; it's one thing to have a drink and a good time but he not only fell over holding our baby, he also fucked off leaving me to deal with the responsibility of sorting everything out.

I just needed to write it all down to get it out. I'm not going to LTB but I think we need a major talk and he needs to understand that this a massive deal for me. I had an alcoholic relative when younger and seeing him drunk and behaving irrationally when I was a child had a huge impact on me.

Am I right to be raging or am I overreacting? I am at the point of stomach churning, incandescent anger where you want to wake the person and have it out with them immediately just so that you can let it out.

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 21:17:16

But that is the point. Sigh.

This drunk man took upon himself to handle the baby!

You cannot seriously be as daft as you seem from your posts.

cronullansw Sun 05-May-13 21:08:19

Lewji - obviously not. The first occasion wouldn't have happened, as the sober parent would have been on child duty that night.

See what I mean about behaving as adults?

No fuss, no shouting, just get it done.

Isiolo Fri 03-May-13 23:10:35

presumably though cron, one of you isnt an alcoholc..

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 22:57:54

Still haven't answered my question.

cronullansw Fri 03-May-13 22:57:10

Lweji

My partner and I are adults and as such are perfectly capable of looking after our children without having screaming fits of tantrums - whether or not alcohol is involved.

twentythirteen Fri 03-May-13 08:49:37

If he doesn't wake up ashamed and immediately genuinely change his ways you have a problem. He's an alcoholic. He can't see that his mother is because he thinks his own habit is acceptable.

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 08:42:26

Oh, and he picked up the baby.
The mother didn't pass the baby to the husband.

Lweji Fri 03-May-13 08:40:06

Cron, shouting to protect a baby is being a good parent. Sigh!

If the idiot handling the baby is putting his life at risk and keeps going for the baby, fuck politeness.

Why are you being so dense?

And you haven't answered my question if it was your baby and your drunk wife. Please do.

Isiolo Fri 03-May-13 06:10:23

Come in crons...you've got to be able to see its not about power. Scared and angry for her baby; maternal instinct is to protect your chlld

musickeepsmesane Thu 02-May-13 23:57:55

no it is not about power for the op. There is nothing more scary than a drunk father parenting...................

cronullansw Thu 02-May-13 23:53:46

Utterly amazing.......

Where have I said it was ok for him to manhandle the bay? To put the baby in danger?

I didn't.

Op behaved badly by losing it with hubby in front of his friends. She could have handled it like an adult without the added shouting, this was disrespectful, rude and about power.

Catsmother - if op was doing such a great job, then she shouldn't have let hubby have the child in his arms at all, especially whilst so drunk and after the boiled milk incident, let alone walk around and thus fall over.

Lewji - so shouting at your partner if they refuse to do something is being a good parent eh? smile

Isiolo Thu 02-May-13 14:51:58

I disagree with badguider. I think it is crucial that you take the moral high ground. And his family history is very very relevant context

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:23:53

Feed, rather. smile

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:23:42

Badguider, the problem here was that the husband thought it was a good idea to feel and hold the baby while under the influence...

musickeepsmesane Thu 02-May-13 14:17:48

Hittingtheroof I hope your husband was ashamed of himself this morning. You don't really say how often he drinks to much. I think you need to discuss becoming teetotal. He obviously can't handle his drink. He sounds like someone who doesn't know when to stop and if this is the case he has to become teetotal. I hope you managed to get across to him that he nearly hurt his child. If this is an escalating problem and he cannot see it then you have to take a cold hard look at your future together. It is difficult enough raising children without having to protect them from their father. flowers

badguider Thu 02-May-13 14:03:27

OP - are you teetotal? or do you drink occassionally?

I think that we don't have enough information to say whether your DP has issues with alcohol or not (despite his family). I do think your DP make a big mistake, but I don't think that it's helpful to take the moral high ground and make this about him being from a family of drunks.

I am currently pregnant and do NOT intend to stay teetotal once my baby is born. I will drink, and I will probably, sometime in the future, drink too much to be in charge of the baby. My DH will too.

We will have an adult conversation about taking turns to be entirely sober (able to drive) and about the one who has been drinking allowing the sober one to make ALL the childcare decisions and carry the baby, and it will apply equally to me and to him.

Hm, the problem is if he does it again, then what happens to the baby?
I'm saying this as someone who watched my drunken partner fall down the stairs with our baby twice, then over the guitar then stumble about with her. Fwiw cron, I did not shout at him or humiliate him in any way, because he was drunk and very aggressive and lord knows what he would have done had he thought I was "winding him up" about carrying the baby. Each fucking time.
End of the line is, lueji puts it beautifully: the baby's safety comes first. I hope the op had a good chat with her partner who I hope was horrified and wowed to get himself sorted out. And that he does, as for these things second chances come at a price for everyone involved.

Devendra Thu 02-May-13 12:17:17

If its a one off and he apologises and it doesn' happen again then good.. If he does it again its a problem x

TalkativeJim Thu 02-May-13 11:46:53

Humiliate him in front of his friends?

He passed out in front of them at 8pm after nearly injuring his baby. I think he did a pretty good job of looking like a total wanker all by himself.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 02-May-13 08:35:34

OP, cron is suggesting you prioritise your partners need to go unchallenged about his excessive drinking over the safety of your child.

Please ignore this 'advice' with total confidence.

Isiolo Thu 02-May-13 06:39:14

OP didn't humiliate her husband in front of their friends. He humiliated himself

Isiolo Thu 02-May-13 06:37:28

Actually cron is right. OP shouldn't be shouting at her drunken husband. Nor trying to control him. LOOK at his reaction to that....have another drink.

It is classic alcoholic and codependant roles/behaviour

OP, just get off the ride

catsmother Thu 02-May-13 06:06:16

Oh FFS, when you can see something dangerous unfolding right in front of you most people don't stop to politely ask them to desist in dulcet tones. You do whatever's necessary to grab that person's attention IMMEDIATELY so they hear you and - hopefully - STOP. Your child is about to run in front of a car - do you a) ask little Johnny if he wouldn't mind being a little more careful around roads or b) do you screech their name at them as loud as you can so they freeze in their tracks ?

This is exactly the same thing. He bloody well fell over while holding the baby having already demonstrated by overheating a bottle that his faculties were impaired. What would have happened next if OP hadn't intervened ? ..... he'd presumably have tried to get up, still holding baby and chances are that given his condition he could have stumbled but that time, dropped the baby/fell on top of the baby/cracked the baby's head against something as he fell.

Of course the OP bloody shouted. She needed to - she wasn't going to stop and think about being all politically correct and "equal". This wasn't an occasion to think about such matters - it was a situation that could have very easily escalated out of control and where decisive and effective action needed to be taken. To suggest it was about some sort of power struggle between this couple is utterly ridiculous and insulting to OP.

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 05:55:04

Are you telling us, Cron, that if your wife was drunk or even just tipsy and had put your baby in danger for a second time, that you would hapily continue to let her take care of the baby?
To save her feelings in front of her friends?
And you wouldn't shout if she refused to hand over the baby to you?

If so, you are a bad parent.
And a bad husband, as I'd never forgive you for not protecting our child should I get drunk (which I wouldn't with a baby at home).

Do you even have children?

Weegiemum Thu 02-May-13 05:52:30

We know how drunk he was : drunk enough to throw up, drunk enough to stumble and fall over, drunk enough to make a baby's bottle fr too hot.

It pest matter if that comes after one glass of wine or one bottle of vodka, it's always wrong. I honestly can't belie that cron thinks this isn't that bad. Sometimes you do have to tell another person what to do, if they are not capable too drunk of working it out for themselves.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now