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Relationships

Am I overreacting?

58 replies

HittingTheRoof · 28/04/2013 22:28

I have a feeling this may be long and I've namechanged. DP grew up with an alcoholic father (who he hasn't seen for 15 years) and a mother with alcohol problems (regularly drinks until she can't speak, will request wine at strange times of the day and sulks if we don't have any). DP recognises that his DF is an alcoholic but is in complete denial that his DM drinks too much as she still holds down a job and doesn't drink every day.

DP doesn't drink that often but like his mum he can sometimes go way to far once he does drink and end up insensible.

Today we attended a family party, we took 4 mo DS. DP drank a lot, to the point where he was slurring his words and being annoyingly useless, i.e. couldn't pack the car, losing my car keys, asking me stupid questions 8000 times etc.

When we got home he heated a bottle for DS, I went to get it while he made himself and our 2 friends a drink. It was way too hot but he insisted he'd made it the right way and got affronted when I cooled it in a bowl of water. No big deal but his reaction to me cooling it was just a bit Hmm.

He then picked up DS and started throwing him about straight after his bottle and drunkenly stumbled over whilst holding him. He managed to hold him up so that DS didn't hit the floor but DP did land on his knees.

I shouted at him to give me the baby and he asked if I was trying to say he was a bad father. I took the baby and he sat down. He then made himself another alcoholic drink to show me he wasn't that drunk, was promptly sick and went to bed at 8pm.

I drove my friends home (took DS obviously), fed DS, made his bottles for the night feeds and washed up from tea all with this face on Angry.

DP's still unconscious and it's no use trying to get any sense out of him now. Tomorrow I'm going to read the riot act; it's one thing to have a drink and a good time but he not only fell over holding our baby, he also fucked off leaving me to deal with the responsibility of sorting everything out.

I just needed to write it all down to get it out. I'm not going to LTB but I think we need a major talk and he needs to understand that this a massive deal for me. I had an alcoholic relative when younger and seeing him drunk and behaving irrationally when I was a child had a huge impact on me.

Am I right to be raging or am I overreacting? I am at the point of stomach churning, incandescent anger where you want to wake the person and have it out with them immediately just so that you can let it out.

OP posts:
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Lueji · 28/04/2013 22:34

I'd be furious too.

TBH, you have to convince him that you will leave him if he doesn't sort himself out.

And be prepared to carry on.

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HittingTheRoof · 28/04/2013 22:37

I would leave him if it happened again. There's not a fucking hope in hell I'd let him put the baby in danger. He hates his DF and I think that the way to go would be to explain that I don't want DS to see him in the light that he sees his dad.

It's been about 3 hours and I'm no closer to calm than I was when it happened.

OP posts:
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SassyPants · 29/04/2013 04:30

You are definitely not overreacting.

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AllOverIt · 29/04/2013 04:45

You are not overreacting. I'd be livid.

It's worth mentioning that not all alcoholics are like his DF. Many are high functioning like his DM.

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mummytime · 29/04/2013 06:14

Can you get him to go to Alanon? Maybe there he could realise that both his parents have a problem with alcohol.

To be honest with his background he should really be tee-total, it would be far far safer. I would avoid alcohol if my DH had any alcohol issues, just as friends live on a virtually gluten free diet because their DHs have coeliacs.

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cronullansw · 29/04/2013 06:21

He was a little drunk, he is allowed to be a little drunk whilst with a child, so long as his partner is sober. This is how adults do it.

He stumbled, you shouted at him - in front of his friends. This is not how adults do it.

His thread on dadsnet is saying, ''she was shouting at me in front of our friends, totally humiliating me....'

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fuzzywuzzy · 29/04/2013 06:27

He was so drunk he couldn't tell the babies bottle was too hot, had OP not intervened presumably he'd have tried to feed it to the baby.

He threw the baby about while drunk.

He fell over while holding the baby.

He kept drinking till he was sick

And then he pretty much passed out cold at 8pm leaving OP to sort everything out

That's only a bit drunk, really?

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Chubfuddler · 29/04/2013 06:32

Oh it really is tedious how you can pretend to defend the indefensible cron.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/04/2013 07:00

If you think a major talk is going to be the answer to the underlying problem here, you are going to end up being sadly disappointed as well as resentful.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Would you ever be prepared to walk away, you seem currently very insistent on the "I am not going to leave him" position. Was wondering why that actually is and you need to think about why you wrote that exactly; fear of "failure" on your part, DS no longer seeing Dad on a daily basis?

Both his parents are alcoholics; he should realise that alcoholics do not all drink every day nor sit on park benches with alcohol. Alcoholism can also be learnt behaviour as well so it does not totally surprise me either that your man also has problems with drink. You saw drunkenness from a male relative as a child and that has affected yourself in more ways than you perhaps realise.

If you choose to bring up your child in such an atmosphere that is up to you but ultimately you will be doing your son yourself no favours by doing so. You have a choice re your man; your child does not.

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cronullansw · 01/05/2013 01:24

Here is hubby trying to demonstrate his new found parenting skills to his friends and show off the new baby, admittedly whilst possibly a little too tipsy to do so in complete and perfect safety.

DW then decided she'd had enough and chose to humiliate him in front of his friends.

Chubby, that is NOT defending the undefendable. That is pointing out how DW wanted the power, the power to criticise him in front of his friends, the power to shout at him in front of his friends, the power to demonstrate her control of him in front of his friends.

This is clearly the case, if DW merely wanted to care for the child, she wouldn't have raised her voice.

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WhiteBirdBlueSky · 01/05/2013 01:41

Depends how often he does it.

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Lueji · 01/05/2013 04:31

Cron
If anyone had just almost dropped my baby as well as almost burnt his mouth, and didn't want to give up said baby, I might do more than shout.
Poor fragile men who can risk babies lives but can't be shouted at.

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Chubfuddler · 01/05/2013 04:52

What a load of crap.

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Lueji · 01/05/2013 05:16

Also
He was a little drunk, he is allowed to be a little drunk whilst with a child, so long as his partner is sober.

Even assuming he was only a little drunk.
It is necessary that the other adult is sober because the sober one is supposed to care for the child.
NOT the drunk one!!! Even if it was just a little, which clearly wasn't.

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joblot · 01/05/2013 06:18

Absolutely unacceptable. 4m is too young and vulnerable for a pisshead to mess about with. Social care would be interested- he's putting baby at risk of harm by his behaviour, seriously. Your behaviour however sounds spot on, well done for standing up to his idiocy

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cory · 01/05/2013 09:43

Trying to imagine cronullansw explaining the fall-out at A&E:

well, he was a little tipsy, but then adults are allowed to be when there is a sober adult present, and yes, he did drop the baby on its head and it's a shame it's unconscious, but surely you must see that the really serious issue is that this woman humiliated him in front of his friends, what do you mean Social Services, have you no idea of how Adults Do It.

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oldwomaninashoe · 01/05/2013 11:04

No you are not over-reacting. People when drunk lose any proper sense of judgement and do stupid and often dangerous things not out of malice but from a complete inability to assess the risk involved in their stupid actions.

My DH over indulged with some work collegues one evening then got on his bike to cycle home, he doesn't remember anything until he woke up in hospital. Luckily for him a barmaid going off shift found him in a heap in the road and stopped an approaching car from running him over!!
His friends think it was highly amusing, but I had a long hard calm discussion with him when sober about whatcould have happened.

I suggest OP you do the same!

His genes are not on his side, try and get him to realise this and contact al anon for some guidance.

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turbochildren · 01/05/2013 11:08

No, you are not overreacting. It is very dangerous behaviour, not only physically but may also scare the little one.
Very sorry that this happened, and you are right in having a very sharp word with him. I hope he takes it on board.

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turbochildren · 01/05/2013 11:11

cronull, how you can defend someone putting their baby at risk is astonishing! you are either trolling very inappropriately, or you are very far from reality.

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AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/05/2013 13:30

HittingTheRoof, how awful!
I agree with Attila and most of the other posts.
It appears that it will come down to you to protect your baby from your husband when he is drinking. No amount of shouting/rowing about it will make any difference in the moment. Just quietly take charge of the little one because the baby is a person, not an object to show off with. Without resentment or attitude (because it would be a waste of time/brain space/emotional energy) just say 'babies and drinking adults don't mix'- and it wouldn't be out of order to put the threshold for that policy at one drink, imho.

If you do decide to stay in the relationship, well, maybe one child is enough with this man?

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renovatinghouse · 01/05/2013 15:14

Hello. You are definitely not overreacting. Something similar happened to me when my baby was 2 months old. He "fell" while my DP was carrying him after drinking lots of wine at dinner at home. He did not want me to take the baby to hospital because there was nothing wrong - well, there was, the baby had the skull fractured and stayed 2 days at hospital. DP was devastated but I hoped he learned the lesson, and so did I - never ever again let him take the baby after he has drunk, even a little bit.

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catwithflowers · 01/05/2013 16:14

Gosh, how awful renovating Sad. I hope your baby was/is okay now

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BelaLugosisShed · 01/05/2013 16:50

Only a fucking misogynist moron would see this as a problem with the woman's behaviour in this situation.
No responsible parent would be drunk around a very young child, it's utterly unacceptable.

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AnyFucker · 01/05/2013 17:08

cronulla has a real problem with wimmin "telling men what to do"

even if it means he is quite content to defend the indefensible...what's a bit of risk-taking with a baby when the outcome is a shrill, nagging wife ?

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renovatinghouse · 01/05/2013 19:58

Hi Cat. Thankfully it was all fine and did not require any treatment but we were so scared and shaken. Even though my partner was not "drunk" and is by no means an alcoholic, his reflexes were slowed down by alcohol so when the baby moved quickly he could not react.

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