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Crap sex

(36 Posts)
Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 10:10:04

I've name changed, wouldn't usually but think he knows my NN.

What do I do? I thought it would get better as he got more comfortable in the relationship. It hasn't.

He won't touch me. The sex is all about PIV, only ever in bed, when we have gone to bed already, one time, and then he just goes to sleep. When I talk about it he feels embarrassed and that makes it worse.

He doesn't show me much physical affection the rest of the time unless I initiate it, he doesn't ever seem turned on by me. He seems afraid of me...

Last year something happened and I lost respect for him (not cheating but lying by omission). I have been trying to come to terms with my new view of him since then.

I am being drawn to other men. One tried to kiss me recently, thinks I'm "an amazing woman", says he can't keep away from me, said he loves me (WTF?). I have rejected him in no uncertain terms but it is difficult... I am tempted... It is a mess. The cowardly and easy way out would be to make my primary relationship seem more bearable by going outside it, which I know would be wrong so don't want to do that but the alternative is leaving a relationship that is perfectly good but just lacks intimacy. I have tried talking about this now for 5 years.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 11:30:07

I think he feels that whatever he does he cannot please me. It is because he tried to guess what I want instead of talking to me about it.

He also fundamentally thinks I don't want him, which is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

happyfreeconfused Sun 28-Apr-13 12:03:15

If someone has a sensitive ego re. sex it can make it difficult to talk about. And the/his problem can become worse because he is even more self-conscious then. It sounds like you are just incompatible sexually and that is unlikely to change.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 12:17:11

Yes, we are interacting incompatibly. I think though that he may be as uncomfortable with this as I am. I think he does want to be better, just with no effort.

To be fair to him our life is currently not conducive to these kinds of personal development problems. I am often having neurotic crises which he supports me through, he probably feels unable to have his own.

Darkesteyes Sun 28-Apr-13 17:24:14

OP please get out of this relationship. My dh was like this for the first 4 years we were together. Then he didnt want it at all and we havent slept together for 17 years. After 7 years of lonliness i had a 4 and a half year affair.
Please if you have a chance of happiness grab it with both hands. Dont end up like i have.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 19:41:24

It's easier said than done though isn't it. He said last night while we were out that he feels like I always want to talk to other people and not to him. I felt annoyed by that because we'd been out to dinner at 5pm, met a mutual friend (school friend of his), gone to see another friend of his playing in a band and then at 11pm (an hour before we went home) one of my v.close friends turned up and he said that. I thought 'but I've been talking to you all night!' And then today I'm thinking well, no, maybe I don't want to talk to him anymore, not about anything that matters because there's nothing to talk about, me having told him everything about me and him having shared nothing of himself and not being willing to do so. sad

Darkesteyes Sun 28-Apr-13 22:36:54

Mouldy its his way of trying to shift the blame onto you. And its probably his way of "warning" you not to talk to anyone else about it.
Because you see they dont want to talk or do anything about it and they dont want you to talk to anyone else about it and upset their status of being in a relationship.
Because we are merely women and dont actually have any sexual needs or needs for intimacy <sarcasm>

Mouldybread Mon 29-Apr-13 07:13:48

Interesting. I had felt like it was territorial, like he was much happier when I was at home cooking, cleaning, buried under babies.

OrWellyAnn Mon 29-Apr-13 12:40:15

You are not alone. I have no answers for you, but watch this thread with interest in case you find a magic bullet.

I know I will be poo poohed on here for saying this, but I don't think many relationships are all fulfilling. For every person who comes on here and tells you their DH is perfect in every way there'll be twice as many who are coping with cheats or men who are violent, or lazy gist who don't pull their weight. For me sex is not the hardest thing to compromise, but i do understand your temptation...

Mouldybread Mon 29-Apr-13 12:51:14

Sex is hard for me to compromise, intimacy too. I find intimacy hard, I feel so resentful that he clearly expects me to carry the whole of it for the. Whole. Fucking. Family.

I've had to try so hard to be intimate, get over all kinds of shit. He has, to his credit, been extremely supportive in helping me but it is no good if the intimacy is not returned. Still on sat he's sitting there saying to me he feels I don't want to talk to him when the actual previous two hours sitting with his mate were conversations about things they had done together (some while we were together) that I knew fuck all about.

Feel so angry I could scream today, but I won't because ultimately I am pathetic. I really just want to get on a train or jump in front of one today... Fucking hell....

Mouldybread Mon 29-Apr-13 12:52:35

No, you're quite right though Orwellyann (cool name) relationships are not entirely fulfilling, I quite agree, it's being able to confront that fact honestly in whatever way you need to that's very difficult.

Moanranger Mon 29-Apr-13 18:14:42

I think you are glossing over your fundamental incompatibility here. Sex & intimacy are crucial. My story: marriedcSTBXH as he was reliable, kind(at first.) Inept sexually, but we eventually settled into a marriage with sex on his terms. My sexuality died under this, and I read a lot of similar stories on MN. You are better out of this relationship sooner rather than soldiering on.
One impression I am getting from your post is that he will not discuss this with you, which seems odd in a fairly long relationship. There is also the cognitive dissonance, where he thinks you are not talking to him, or whatever, when clearly you are. You start to think you are going crazy.
Good luck in working it out. I think you can do better.
I avoided parting due to worries over finance but I think I am actually going to be better off financially post-marriage, so don't let money worries get in the way of a resolution.

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