advice for a man

[a794]

I am working overseas at the moment, doing a very stressful job that leaves me little time to do anything else. Because of that my OH stayed back home with our two children (3 & 6). About 2 months ago I found out that my OH had been kissing her best friend?s partner. We?d had problems before I left but I challenged her, forgave her and she promised it would stop. She made me promise not to tell the OM's partner. All seemed good when I came back home for a visit a month ago. She even told me that she thought it had strengthened out relationship. Now I have found out they were having chips and champagne together in the park almost as I was flying back. They say it is all over but I don?t know what else has happened between them. I am in two minds what to do. On the one hand I don?t want to lose our family but on the other I find that I can?t possibly trust her ever again. Should I tell the OM?s partner ? he?s lost nothing so far.

[delilahlilah]

Temptation would be to tell her, but it would be hurting her possibly more than him - and she is innocent, just as you are. Personally, no I wouldn't trust her - but for me cheating is a deal breaker.
Don't do anything in the heat of the moment. You need to think things through. Take your time, and listen to the good advice you will undoubtedly get.
I'm sorry you are going through this

[RipleyIsMyHero]

It would be a deal breaker for me too. The trust has been shattered and she's lied. As for telling the other woman. I'd want to know if my DH was shagging my best friend!

[simplesusan]

This is awful for you.

I think you need to stand firm and tell her you won't accept second best. Of course she will be happy to have her cake and eat it, but you mustn't stand for this, easier said than done I know.


Would the threat of telling the om's partner make them stop? It could be a very useful tool, although I'm not sure if you should actually carry it out.
Make sure you see your dcs, and try not to say anything to them.

[FlatsInDagenham]

It depends on what you want to achieve by telling her.

If it's revenge on OM ("he's lost nothing so far") then I'd say don't do it. Keep your dignity by not seeking any kind of revenge. Do the best for your family. That doesn't mean you should stay in your relationship .. Leave by all means if that's what you want ... but don't stir up someone else's life just to get your revenge.

On the other hand, if you want to tell her because you feel she has a right to know ... go for it. You have the moral high ground and if I was her I'd want to know.

[jaywall]

I think you have all your answers right there. Whether you should tell the OM's partner is a tough one, i would suggest most people would rather be told ASAP rather than end up thinking the whole universe knew before they did. But ..its up to you.

The repeated abuse of your trust would be a deal breaker for most people i think, once was enough for me. Even if they don't admit it immediately it is likely to play another role further down the line.

I suggest you read some of the other parts of mumsnet, specifically legal to get an idea what you might have to face should you move on.

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

it really depends what your deal breaker is OP

is kissing after she said it was over a dealbreaker? is sleeping with him a dealbreaker?

you need to ask yourself what you are prepared to work through and what you arent.

[freddiemisagreatshag]

Boyzo there's a wile pile of men posting on here tonight looking for advice isn't there?

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

"Would the threat of telling the om's partner make them stop? It could be a very useful tool, "

hmm, i'm not sure i'd want to be with someone who just stopped cheating because they were scared of the repercussions from their OM's partner!

do you want to know that the only reason she stopped cheating was fear of OM wife finding out? coupld you live with that?

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

is there frediie? ive been out- just logged on.

BTW i havent heard 'boyzo' in years!

[freddiemisagreatshag]

quare craic here the night Boo

[freddiemisagreatshag]

And where were you out young lady? What time of night do you call this to come home? And who were you with?

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

not out, out. just out. called at my friends and it turned into a bit of a session. sorry, i should have called to say i' be home late

[freddiemisagreatshag]

Well don't do it again

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

sorry. i wont. i'l stay in tomorrow and clean the bathroom for you.

[freddiemisagreatshag]

lol

[freddiemisagreatshag]

Right so now I know you're home safe I can go to bed. I wasn't sitting up waiting for you or anything, I was just here reading my book.

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

ok mum. i mean freddie.

i'm going to bed too the room is spinning

[freddiemisagreatshag]

Glass of water and paracetamol before you go up to bed young lady

[mynewpassion]

Once you say that you can't trust her anymore, then its over. It sounds like you are close to saying that.

As for telling the best mate, if you know her and respect her, then tell her. If you don't, then don't.