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A thread for and about the chronically single

(96 Posts)
Yika Fri 26-Apr-13 20:18:31

I'm in awe of people who just jump from one relationship to the next and are never alone. I just can't seem to get it together to form a meaningful relationship. I'm in my mid 40s now and I've never had a serious long term relationship. Mostly I've been on my own or had 1-2 year relationships that were doomed from the start. I had one 5 year massively dysfunctional and semi-detached arrangement. My whole family are like this too, and I'm pretty certain my problem originates from the family attitudes and beliefs I grew up with, because otherwise there just is no rhyme or reason to it. I'm blardy gorgeous reasonably attractive, personable and outgoing.

Is there a cure? Does it matter? Are you happy being chronically single? I want to hear your stories!

BeCool Netherlands Thu 16-May-13 12:13:28

OMG I think I have found my spiritual home!!!
I'll catch up with a proper read of this thread tonight.

HaventGotAStitchToWear Fri 03-May-13 12:39:41

And honestly... happily ever after??
This ain't Disney and pumpkins don't turn into golden carriages. They're just pumpkins.

HaventGotAStitchToWear Fri 03-May-13 12:38:01

Sorry ArsenaltilIdie but I'm with SolidGoldBrass on this one and I think a lot of us get sucked in to the idea of romance and love. It's all promised as part of the 'sales package' and women fall for it- and the guy- over and over again.

I really don't see why you think that women seek emotional support more than men either!

arsenaltilidie Fri 03-May-13 11:58:38

SGB what you are describing is a certain type of man who is just a twunt.
Romance is not driven by the idea of men needing a woman for domestic and emotional service.
Actually probably women want men for emotional support more than men want women for emotional service.

Romance is driven by the idea of 2 people falling in love with one another and living happily ever after because they have the same goals in life.
Now if it doesn't happen or the persons turns out to be a twunt, move on.
Yes it's nice to be in a relationship but its also nice to be single too. Both have their pros and cons.

HaventGotAStitchToWear Fri 03-May-13 10:42:02

Well last night was out celebrating a work-related success with colleagues. Had a conversation with a woman I get on well with about guys and I joked that no men would want me because I'm a 'fallen woman.'
She replied, seriously, 'Yes that's true.'
!!!
What century are we living in?
Would like to hear your thoughts on this!

Yika: No, if someone always has 'a partner' in terms of a romantic relationship but has no friends and can't get on with workmates/family etc that's when the person has a problem. The romantic couple-relationship is actually the least important of human relationships. The continous cultural propaganda about prioritizing romantic heteromonogamy really is driven by the idea that men need to own a woman for domestic and emotional service; that's all.

Dahlen Wed 01-May-13 21:54:26

Yika - depends on what you define as a problem really. It's certainly a problem in that they want something that they're not getting, but the fact that they haven't been able to solve that dilemma doesn't mean that the problem is with them.

Sometimes you can do all the socialising/hobbies/dating you like and still not meet the right person. It doesn't mean your standards are too high or anything, it just means that you haven't met the right person. I think a lot of coupled up people are with the wrong person too, when you consider that 50+% of cohabiting and 45% of marriages fail. A successful relationship is a minority thing IMO, not a majority one. Which is only a cynical view if you happen to believe that being single is a poor second. I don't. For women particularly being single may start off lonely because it is unfamiliar, but it often heralds the start of a voyage of self-discovery that can be profound and positive in its effects.

Yika Wed 01-May-13 20:52:55

deliasmithy good point about whether it is possible to 'have it all'. Probably not all at once, as you say you may have to make sacrifices for a relationship. But not necessarily! Good luck with ttc.

Yika Wed 01-May-13 20:48:44

Dahlen, if someone has happy, fulfilling relationships in other areas but difficulty having any kind of meaningful romantic relationship at all (but they would like to), then I think they DO have a problem.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Wed 01-May-13 18:25:07

I'm with you Eternal re sex needing to be with someone you care about; sex without strings usually ends up with some regardless of the initial agreement.
I don't think there really is an answer - men would love to be used for sex, but at the moment I can't see the point in encouraging them when I haven't found one I like much yet. Maybe find some good erotic novels wink .

EternalRose Wed 01-May-13 13:59:03

This may be a little long...

I am about to become a single mum after being in a relationship with a 'loser' for 5 years, (it still feels strange admitting that the father of my daughter is a loser but unfortunately that is what he is). Although I am already a single mum, just sorting out the logistics - the ex wont leave unless I leave the house, but I am working on that right now!

All I hear from my single mum friends is what a drain it is financially to be on your own if you have children. Well I have one child, and if the last 5 years are anything to go by, I actually think I will be better off. I know I wont be worse off one bit because my ex has never provided for the family anyway. Living with a man who doesn't pull his weight financially is the biggest, biggest turn off and I have learnt this to my detriment. My ex doesn't want to work, but he likes the high life, and he also likes spending.

My ex also recently got the sack on purpose (he lasted 6 weeks in his new job) and came home almost proud about it. He was so pleased, and spent the whole day whistling and laughing and joking etc.

I will NEVER date a man who will not look after himself first and foremost, and I will NEVER let a man live off me again. I really should have listened to my mum when she told me that a man who is past 35 who doesn't have a pot to piss in will never have anything! Harsh words from my mother I know, but so far she has been right.

I think the day I get the keys to my new place, and I dont have to see a pile of mail (bills) unopened in his name, and I dont have to worry about another man turning the heating on full blast without making any consideration for how that particular bill would be paid, or eats all of the food in the fridge and doesn't think about how that would affect the weekly food budget etc etc and this is just 1% of the BS I have had to deal with it will be bliss, it really will. Can't wait.

The only thing I am worried about is whether I will be able to maintain a healthy sex life as I miss sex really badly at the moment. Unfortunately I can see myself being celibate for years. I need to feel like I can trust someone before I go there, I need to know instinctively that they are not going to disappear once I have done it. So it will come as no surprise that I just cannot do fwb, casual sex, flings, or intimate encounter, I really cant. For me, I think I am worth more than just a shag. And I need to have a connection with someone to enjoy sex. I would also feel really used if my fwb told me one day he had 'met the one, see ya' sort of thing. ..

skaboy Wed 01-May-13 13:23:44

I definitely agree with the putting kids before new partner but that seems to only work for some people for some reason? It might be people who are the main carer of their kids or something. I can't see myself in a proper relationship with anyone in future unless they're in the same position as me (ie main carer of kids) or else it would have to be very casual.

Its all academic as I think I'm in love with my new bike anyway

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Wed 01-May-13 11:14:27

Same here - as you said, I feel too selfish atm to share my life with anyone. I have DD to have fun with and fawn over. It would feel weird having to make time and effort for someone else as we have a pretty fun and full packed schedule as it is! I wouldn't want to feel I was putting her second to spend time and effort on someone else, IYSWIM.
I couldn't have them living with me either. I am fed up with men telling me I don't know how to load the dishwasher properly or moving everything into 'sensible' places I can't find. The thought of all the extra cleaning/cooking/washing....urgh.
I do know not all men are like this and I have had a bad run, but unless I move to a better 'catchment area' I won't be trying again for the foreseeable!

HaventGotAStitchToWear Wed 01-May-13 10:48:47

Yeah I've got relationship fatigue at the moment too! Big time!

HaventGotAStitchToWear Wed 01-May-13 10:45:45

OhHull- A prize poodle! Haha! I think I need to move to London! Only mongrels around my neck of the woods too...

Dahlen Wed 01-May-13 10:33:47

skaboy - yes definitely. I felt like that for a long time after my last relationship died. The thought of going through the effort of getting to know someone, making inevitable compromises, etc, made me feel slightly nauseous!

That feeling passed eventually, as I realised that some people manage to have relationships that enhance their lives rather than stifle them, but by then I also realised that I loved being on my own with all the freedom that entailed so I didn't care anyway. smile

skaboy Wed 01-May-13 10:12:27

Is it possible to have relationship fatigue? I've recently come out of a 15 year relationship, think I'm over the worst of the break-up blues, but I just have no inclination whatsoever to have to be in a position where I have to give so much of myself to someone....for a long time. In fact I feel pretty selfish that way at the moment. So yes, I'm quite looking forward to a period of chronic singledom - it sounds like the cool option to me at the moment.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Wed 01-May-13 09:57:28

I think location has a lot to do with it as well. It shouldn't but it does. I live in a town and most of the single men here don't own their own car or house, have a decent job, can cook a boiled egg at a push and don't understand women who don't clean the house as they go about their daily business - it is the woman's place. Recently seen a rise in men pushing buggies, but even this was beyond the male role just a couple of years ago.
If I meet a man from London it is like meeting a prize poodle. They can cook, hold an intelligent conversation, happy to 'do' something on the weekends and usually earn over £20k AND have the ability to do housework. It is like a different species.

Dahlen Wed 01-May-13 09:45:39

HaventGot - exactly. If a romantic relationship goes wrong but you generally have happy fulfilling relationships with other people, then the chances are that the relationship has run its course, rather than there being anything wrong with you. That's what I meant. Sorry if I didn't make it clearer.

SGB perhaps men would accept a refusal earlier if they hadn't been conditioned to accept the nonsense that women want a man that will chase after them wink

Arsenaltilidie: I think you've misunderstood. I'm not talking about people who are attracted to one another and trying to find out if the other person is single/available to date them (which is of course perfectly reasonable). I mean the way in which women out in public socialising with other women* are pestered by a certain type of man, who doesn't believe that women are people who can engage ^with each other (just in terms of having a drink and a gossip with a good friend) and that, because there is no man present 'in charge of them' then a man who wants to can interrupt their evening and demand their attention in a way that he wouldn't do to a mixed group or a male-female couple.

A similar annoying attitude is that of the man who won't accept a woman's refusal to go on a date with him/give him her phone number/have a conversation with him unless she tells him she belongs to another man. The fact that the woman herself doesn't want to interact with this man is not acceptable if she is single.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 20:47:43

Being boring, like beauty, is on the eye of the beholder.

I might find geeky types exciting, whilst the next woman may find them boring.

However, it's easy to confuse exciting and roller coaster.

springykitsch Tue 30-Apr-13 19:46:59

to this day, when you get married a woman automatically gets her husband's last name, unless she makes an application to ensure this doesn't happen - ie it is default procedure. Absolutely shocking!

HaventGotAStitchToWear Tue 30-Apr-13 19:36:29

Dahlen- I don't think that ppl with difficulties in relationships necessarily need to relate to ppl better. I think that although some people have early damaging behaviour or just plain old selfish streaks, sometimes personalities just clash/ people drift apart/ people have different expectations or there is unacceptable behaviour.

ALittleStranger Tue 30-Apr-13 19:35:39

"What I find most of the times is women waste their years with the 'exciting' guy whilst ignoring the nice but 'boring' person. Then they realise when it's too late (nice boring guy has coupled up) that life with the 'exciting' partner isnt so great afterall."

I hate statements like this, they are oddly woman-hating. They imply women should be grateful for any boring fucker that comes along and give up on passion, mistakes and learning who you are and what you like.

I also think it's hard on those apparently nice boring guys, chances are their partners do think more of them than that.

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