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for SAHM's?

(79 Posts)
mummyof2kidsx Thu 25-Apr-13 22:20:23

I just wanted to know what the role of a husband and wife should be. The husband is in full time work, the wife is a stay at home mum? In my house I do absolutely everything even when my husband is off... I really do mean everything... all he does is go to work. on his days off he pleases himself...

Duelling, because more often than not, it's onlies that get spoilt!
I know I spoil my ds at the moment, as does everyone else as he's the only 'baby' of the family, but if I had 2 or more, he would less likely to be spoilt, hence the question of was he an only.

Lavenderhoney Fri 26-Apr-13 17:30:26

You resent it because he doesn't treat you with any respect and love, and he won't. You know you deserve better, and frankly you will be better off on your own anyway. Don't let the pattern repeat for your dc.

If he wanted to help, he would. If he wanted to work, he would, even working for p/t for someone, or doing a charity horses for free except for materials, just to get out there. You can't fix him, or take any blame at all for refusing to spend your life like this or subjecting your dc to it.

It sounds like you are mentally preparing to go tbh. Yes, as soon as your parents get back. Start to secretly pack a go bag. All important paperwork. You can always give him copies later on if you want to. And don't worry about cleaning up, if you plan to leave. He can do it.

Squitten Fri 26-Apr-13 15:41:48

You're being treated like a slave OP!

My DH owns a business so he has flexibility in his hours - works every day but can work at home if needed and generally tends to do late mornings/late evenings. Mon-Fri he's generally only here in the mornings so he'll help sort out breakfast and play with the kids while he has his coffee but then he's out for the day. I do all the chores - laundry, cleaning, dishes, cooking, etc, but he will cook if he's here in the evenings, help tidy up if I haven't done it, do baths for the kids. Even at times when the kitchen has looked like a bombsite, he never criticises - just helps fix it!

Weekends he does loads with the kids. I'm pregnant and studying part-time so he often takes the kids out to the park or somewhere so I can study or have a rest. He cooks a lot on weekends, looks after the garden. He pleases himself too - he's often out doing cycling stuff or down the pub of an evening but is also happy to watch the kids while I'm out.

Men like yours are not the norm. Your husband sounds utterly nasty and I really hope that you can get yourself free of him. You can be happy too OP!

DuelingFanjo Fri 26-Apr-13 14:44:54

"Was he an only child, and spoilt rotten by his parents?
(I'm not stereotyping onlies btw, I might have an only yet) just curious."

why mention if he was an only child then, you could just ask if he was spoilt by his parents?

to the OP - I would stop doing his washing and ironing - tell him that's what you will be doing.

Was he an only child, and spoilt rotten by his parents?
(I'm not stereotyping onlies btw, I might have an only yet) just curious.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:53:48

to be honest i just dont know whats up with him... he's not evil... his parents relationship broke down because of similar reasons. not because his dad was abusive but because he was a lazy git and she had to do everything for herself... he hasnt had any guidance. i have my parents have brought me up to respect people around me, to want to do things for people i love. i used to enjoy doing things for him. i used to like making his tea, etc. now i resent it

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:50:11

if you were all to meet him you would think he was a lovely person, everyone thinks he's great... and his mum and dad are responsible because they have brought him up to think he is the most important person and to only think about himself.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 26-Apr-13 11:46:03

OP, your post of 11:28:07 is sad and scary.

He is abusive. He knows his behaviour is not acceptable, hence changing it when observed.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:45:51

i have always done everything to be honest, they just mean dont stop doing things around the house to get at him because it will make me even more depressed...and he will use it against me... my mum and dad want me to come home NOW... but the are on holiday at the moment and want me to wait till they get back so they can support me

Lavenderhoney Fri 26-Apr-13 11:41:08

And how long have you been at the point where you are doing everything and should leave?

Your parents sound lovely and must love you so much to have the courage to support you and let you decide for yourself - not forcing you so you somehow convince yourself to go back when he says it will be better, and not blame them.

The pretending round others shows he knows he is an arse. He sounds worse every time you post, tbh. I wouldn't bother with a showdown, he might get nasty. And you've been through it before, nothing changes and you stay. Can you stay with your parents, sort the divorce and house sale from there - call women's aid etc as you will need advice, and then look at beginning again without this millstone round your neck.

rollmeover Fri 26-Apr-13 11:36:53

Crikey, hes really done one on you. You are not stupid nor is this your own fault.

I am a SAHm. My dh works 12 hours 5 days a week, and at the weekend we have a lie in each, he takes responsibility for our dd food, nappy changes etc. if he is home he does bath and bed. I do all the cooking, cleaning, house stuff. He does the finances. We both have equal access to those finances and I can (within reason) buy what I want without asking as can he. We both have regular time off/away eg gym, night out or coffee with friends, hobbies. Thats what works for us. We do fight sometime, neither of us are perfect, but we are a team. The minute he said he wasnt going to do stuff cause it was my job would be the day I would be out of there.

Please speak to your parents. If you do want to leave it might feel daunting but you can take your time, get a plan in place re housing, job, what benefits you are entitled to.

You do it all just now anyway, so being a lone parent will actually be less work for you if you are not picking up after him!

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:36:41

what a good idea haha... i do know but i need to wait till he messes up again (probably tomorrow) as i did tell him this was his last chance

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 11:34:25

Invite your friends round more, specially when you have loads to do!grin Seriously, tho', you don't like him. He makes your skin crawl. There seems to be nothing worth saving in your relationship. You know what you need to do.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:33:40

my parents respect marriage and advise me on what each of our roles should be but they do not think i should be walked all over. i should be respected by my husband. obviously being a sAHM i should be taking care of the general running of the household while hes at work but when he is off work he should be supporting me and helping round the house and with kids and not going off pleasing him self all the time. what they did say is to do everything i should be doing so that i cannot be accused of not doing my job and if he doesn't change then leave...

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:28:07

another thing is he puts on an act when people come round. he does nothing when its just me and him but my friends came round for an hour to see the kids a few weeks ago and all of a sudden he started doing the dishes and mopped the kitchen.... I was in shock but I was onto him and my friends even said to me it was obviously just an act... he only speaks to me abusively when no one is there. when my mum and dad are there he speaks to me like a nice person would. to be honest, when he does it makes my skin crawl... even when we are on our own and he tries to be "affectionate" i feel awkward and dont like it

Ah Xposted: your parents are on your side so let them help. Write the marriage off. It's not fixable because he will never lose the conviction that you are a 'woman' ie somewhere between a pet and a household appliance, and that he is entitled to control and exploit you.

You need to get out of this marriage. This man is abusive and he basically doesn't consider that women are human beings. This attitude is impossible to change.
Remember that you don't need his permission to dump him. Get some advice from Women's Aid etc on the practicalities - would your parents let you move back in with them for a while? Or are they the sort who will insist that women really are men's servants and you need to stop moaning and obey your husband? You will get benefits as a single parent and your H will be legally compelled to pay towards the DCs' upkeep.
Best of luck, but don't waste any more time on this man. He isn't worth it.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 26-Apr-13 11:25:03

LTB ASAP. HTH

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 26-Apr-13 11:21:42

You have to protect your sanity. You sound burnt out, or pretty close to it.

What would happen if you just relaxed and did less? Got a cleaner, occasional ready meals, let some admin go (not everything needs re-subscribing to, etc)?

Also, do get rid if what bothers you. Clutter is depressing to look at.

meddie Fri 26-Apr-13 11:19:49

My ex was like that except I also worked full time and had two kids. My life became infinitely less stressful and more pleasant when I booted his sorry arse out. just a thought.

By day off at the weekend each, I mean they were both off work for 2 days, but used to have a day to themselves each and the other would take the child somewhere.

ITryToBeZenBut Fri 26-Apr-13 11:18:41

I'm slightly intruding as not a SAHM but i wanted to put a different perspective on it.

My other half is a SAHD. I work. Long hours. In what is considered a stressful job.

But -we support each other with cooking, housework etc. I know his role at home is difficult and don't expect him to somehow cook, clean etc. If he can, he does. What he doesn't do in the day, we share in our spare time. I'd say this reflects what you say is respecting each other mummy Doesn't matter whether you're the mum/dad in my view, people in supportive relationships support each other.

Sometimes there isn't time for it all and I'd rather get home, put the baby to bath/bed to get time with him, then return to work later in the eve until 11pm say and just have to ignore the pile of ironing because we'd both just rather have a bit of family time than worry about the little things. Our compromise is agreeing together that as along as everything is clean even if messy then it's ok.

I just don't get your DH's view. How one person expects the other to do everything? Being at work shouldn't automatically give you a pass to help around the house if your other half is doing their best but needs help.

I don't have much constructive advice just wanted to say that I really feel for you, I really do.

We had friends that used to both work, and have a day off at the weekend each.
We always thought it was odd, but now we have a ds, we can see why they did it. (We own a business that runs itself so we're both home every day and take it in turns).
BUT, you also need time together. That's where our friends messed up, currently splitting up 8 years after child was born.........
It's hard work looking after a child 24/7, but it's also hard work working, you've just got to reach a compromise. Maybe you have Sundays together, and take every other Saturday in turns or something like that smile

PleaseDontEatMyShoe Fri 26-Apr-13 11:17:05

Would your life be easier without him in it, OP? It sounds like it would-I wouldn't accept a situation where the person who was meant to love and care for me was going out of his way to make my life harder (throwing dirty stuff into your ironing basket? letting the puppy wee on the floor, so you have to clean it up? Unacceptable).

I think you've got worn down. You deserve more than this-please listen to your parents, and give yourself the chance to be happy.

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 11:13:52

although I think you meant huge I would give you a hug if I could! I am glad your parents are understanding, it makes a huge difference to have hat support. Please stop judging yourself from others 'perfect' relationships. Don't you just hate it when parents are right? I didn't get of my backside to start blush got distracted by a teacake thread blush

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