Should I ask my Dad if he did have an affair with my aunt?

[Brodicea]

My Dad is and has always been a hound. Consistently unfaithful to my mum, until just over ten years ago (about thirty years into their marriage) she said enough is enough and divorced him (he'd had an affair with a woman in her twenties, she was due to have his baby, he wanted to continue his affair but he still wanted to be married to my mum!). He justifies himself by saying that his wife is nothing to do with his girlfriends/ extra-curricular love life (no, he's not a French duke from the sixteen hundreds ).

Rewinding about twenty years, we had lived overseas but came back to the UK to live in my mum's home town. I remember my auntie popping around a lot uninvited, often she wouldn't leave and my parents used to moan about it. I remember her asking me how I would feel if I had another mummy. She's a funny character, very dishonest, and has a track history of cheating with her friends husbands (three of them!).

In the last few years, my aunt has made some hints to my mum, about my Dad and herself. Saying that about twenty years ago he showed up unexpectedly at her house and told her he was 'gagging for it'. She also mentioned another time when he came to the UK and visited her. Now, maybe they were good friends, but I remember him being uncomfortable around her and avoiding her; although at times they used to share a barbed joke.

She never told my mum more than this, and my mum who is a very quiet and guarded soul, has never asked her outright or asked her to elaborate. It really bothers me that my aunt and my Dad may have got away with it - but that likewise, maybe my mum is reading into things. My mum has been brewing on these words, but has not confronted my aunt: I feel like just asking my Dad outright if he did it. But, is it none of my business? Will he tell the truth?

Any advice would be great.

[DistanceCall]

This is none of your business - it's got to do with the relationship between your parents. If your mother is upset about this, I would suggest that she ask your aunt (is it her sister?) directly. But do not get involved in this. Your relationships with your father and your mother are something that has nothing to do with the relationship between your parents. It's not your place - it's strictly between them (and your aunt).

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

For the love of all things holy please do not ask your Dad or your aunt. How would you feel if he told you yes he & your aunt had had a fling? If he told you how would you know he was telling the truth, either way would you then feel constrained to tell your mum?

Just let sleeping dogs lie.

[JustinBsMum]

I would say it's all in the past. And what an unlikeable pair and who cares?


If you did ask your DAunt she might lie, if you asked your DF he might lie. So as far as I can see you would be no further forward ( it seems unlikely that they would both admit it, but then maybe they didn't anyway)

[Lovingfreedom]

Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if your mum already knows. No don't get involved.

[Lueji]

She divorced him, didn't she?

Just let it go.

[AlnwickRose]

They probably did do it, from the sound of it. But no good can come from your asking.

[Brodicea]

Thanks all, my mum does feel like it DID happen; I guess I would say to a friend, 'trust your instincts'. She is thinking of moving away from her home town any way to get away from her sister (she's a bully too) so I guess that's that. My mum wouldn't thank me for butting in - she's had enough controlling people in her life!

I guess I just feel really angry and don't know how to deal with it.

Distance yes, my mum's older sister.

[Brodicea]

Plus - I would be making it about my difficult relationship with my father, rather than the ancient history it is between my mum and dad.

[DistanceCall]

It's normal that you're angry. Sounds like your aunt is a thoroughly unpleasant woman and, yes, she probably had an affair with your Dad and is now rubbing your Mum's nose in it.

I think both you and your Mum should cut her off and be done with this story (and if your Mum wants to move, good for her, but she shouldn't shoot herself in the foot just to get away from her sister.)

[Brodicea]

She's moving to be closer to us, partly to get away from her, but mainly I think to start a new extended family life which is great. I just feel so angry with my Dad that I don't know if I can face him. Mind you, the anger has been like a dripping tap from the start.

[JustinBsMum]

If you feel really angry and don't know how to deal with it perhaps some counselling would help. I am an old biddy now and sooooo wish I had spoken to someone ( ie someone separate from daily life like a counsellor) years ago about family issues instead of taking decades to sort my feelings out.
In fact I am thinking of seeing someone now in the hope that the last part of my life is calmer and happier than the rest.

[HazeltheMcWitch]

Oh, my dad's a hound too. I empathise.
You're right, your mum probably knows already. Maybe not for 100% sure, but enough.

WHat benefit would having the truth out there bring to you or your mum? The fact that your dad has been 'found out' probably wont make up for the new hurt that bringing it out in the open would cause?
Maybe you want to hurt him/your aunt (which is understandable too, IMHO), but by doing so, other people would suffer also.
You mention dripping tap... could it be that you want it all to be over and done with? If so, maybe there's something else you could do to get this release?

Poor you. Shitty situation, so I hope you make peace with it, whatever you do.

[DistanceCall]

Agree with JustinBsMum. Getting some counselling would be a really good idea.

[pickledginger]

'A hound' makes it sound too positive. Sexually incontinent works.

There really is no point getting involved with any of this. Both of them have reasons to lie so it's not as though you could be sure you were hearing the truth and it would only cause your mother more upset.

[Brodicea]

Thanks again all - and Justin and Hazel I do feel like I want to hurt my dad and my aunt. There are lots of reasons I have considered cutting my Dad out of my life, but a) I will always have an internal relationship with him even if I don't see him and b) I have little half-siblings who I want to keep in touch with.
I have had counselling recently, well, CBT for anxiety and we did talk about my Dad. But it was paid for by work and we couldn't get into that whole thing. Maybe this is why it has surfaced now, now I am acknowledging my anger....

[drudgewithagrudge]

I wish that my mother hadn't told me that my Dad had an affair with her sister. It is supposed to have happened before I was born and I have always known about it. The thing is that she never mentioned it in front of him so I don't even know if it's true.

When my aunt died I engineered all sorts of conversations with my father to give him a chance to tell me if it happened but he never did. My aunt was quite flirty and very different to my Mum but the two of them were very close and went everywhere together so it remains a mystery.They are all dead now but I still wish she hadn't told me.

[Brodicea]

Oh drudge that sucks. It must have been so frustrating.
I kind of wish she hadn't told me either - I have given my aunt the cold shoulder (well, not seeking her out at family dos, no cards, little conversation, still get her an Xmas pres though always a passive aggressive crap one). I don't know if she knows why. I have a million other reasons to be cold with my dad, but I do miss the good times I've had with him. I can forgive him with all his other affairs, but doing the dirty with my mum's sister is so low!
I guess I have to find a way to deal with it and move on.