OK that's worked. I'm a regular poster and have been on MN for around 5 years. If you recognise me, PLEASE don't out me :(
I need some advice/help on the situation between myself and my husband. We've been together just short of 20 years, married for nearly 13. When we met I was a big girl, pretty facialy but large (size 18/20).
The first mistake I think I made was being besotted by him and being very very low on any self esteem. I promised him I'd lose weight (I wasn't happy with my weight anyway) but despite going up and down I never managed to lose much, and I told him each week that I had done, so he'd be happy/we wouldn't row. Obviously eventually he found out and a big row ensued over the fact that I'd lied to him over my weight, made a fool of him because he'd been bragging to his workmates etc. then I'd eat in secret so he wouldn't know, and on it went...
this pattern sadly has repeated itself throughout our time together, with the rows going from "hy don't you love/fancy me as I am" to him with (on one occasion) "you're too fat to fuck" which he later retracted and said he didn't mean, he just wanted to hurt me. This is a pattern in any row that we have, he will hurl insults that he knows hurt me, because he is angry and when he is angry he wants to upset me. normal I guess.But it has the effect of me always wanting to avoid him getting cross, which means I'll lie, which means I get found out, which has led to today...
A couple of years after we met I applied for and got a store card. Then a credit card. I was young, stupid and naive and these were what appeared to be "free money". I ran them all up to the hilt on stuff for us, him, the children, the new house, all without him knowing. I'd tell him stuff cost less than it did etc. Eventually he found out about one of them, and went balisstic. I was petrified and swore there were no more, thinking I would manage to get them sorted/paid without him knowing. He made me swear on our kids lives that I was telling the truth and stupidly I did.
Needless to say ovcer the last couple of years he has found out about this twice more, each time I've never dared to come totally clean with him because his reaction has scared me (he has said he wants to hit me/hurt me/doesn't trust himself not to - I don't think he would but if he did I'd deserve it anyway)
The last time, I had got a £16k loan down to just under £2.5 when he found out, and to be honest that nearly finished him off. I knew I had another to finish paying and that I would/could do it without hurting him further. So I opened a basic account to pay it from, and last night he checked my internet history and found it. I think I have broken his heart.
I want us to go to Relate - if we are to stand any chance of staying together we need help, not just with money (I have never cheated on him at all or done anything else - I was simply young and stupid and then frightened), but in the back of my mind every time we row - about anything - is the stuff he says to me, and I think he needs to learn to not hurt me in that way.
He says, there is no marriage to save unless I hand over absolutely all financial stuff to him, and that I will have no access to any of it at all. I honestly don't know if I can do that - he is a person who likes to be in control all the time, and I'm a bit fiestier now and will argue back.
This is my fault for not owning up about all of it each time he found something else, I know that. I've never touched the bills account, or his wages, or the joint credit card, I've paid out of my own spare money (I know that makes it no better, really, but just saying)
He's under threat of redundancy from work and his Mum is ill, so he is stressed anyway. He didn't need me doing this to him :(
We have children who will be absolutely devastated if we split up, and I do love him - I've only ever wanted to make him happy. I know he wants me to be thinner, and better at housework, etc, and I have no idea what stops me losing weight and keeping it off.
Has anyone any advice please? If you want to know anything else please ask - I've tried to put it all in here.
I'm really fragile right now :(