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Can anyone help me please?

(89 Posts)
25042013 Thu 25-Apr-13 13:56:06

namechange check first

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 28-Apr-13 10:08:11

Hi Op

I am equally shocked and disgusted with your DH and am really not surprised with either the debt low self esteem or self confidence

This bloke and I refuse to use the word man, is your jailer he's not your dear partner or husband, because that would imply kindness and respect, of which he has neither for you and looks like he never did from the start, neither has your MI.

my advise to you? Leave the bastard yep LTB he has systematicly character destroyed you in every way possible, and as I read your posts what he has reduced you to, you are echoing his words and saying he is right and you deserve them.

You shopped to receive some comfort for the thrill you get when you pick something nice for yourself, cause lets face it there is no comfort to be had at home is there? You were trying to buy his love in a way cause nothing else you do including breathing is and never will be good enough.

I am glad you say you are feisty now days cause love pack ya stuff and your kids tell him to go fuck himself, and go and get the life you were meant to have before you met this sorry excuse for a human being who has sucked the joy and life out of you.

I shany type anymore cause he is making me angry and I dont even know him

x

25042013 Sun 28-Apr-13 10:56:01

Thankyou all for your support, obviously you only have my side, his wpuld no doubt be very different. I have a session booked qith Relate for me, and I'm going to phone citozens advice too. I feel relieved it is all out in the open but sick inside too. I have no idea what's going to happen from here. I just don't want my children to suffer. They don't deserve that

Yes, we only ever get on side of things on here but that doesn't make your views any less important!

I hope the counselling helps, hopefully it will help you figure things out at bit and work out what's best for you and your children - don't forget, a change from how things are now would be doing them a favour, not least in terms of a role model for how relationships should be. And I'm sure they'd benefit from having a happier mum!

mistlethrush Sun 28-Apr-13 22:33:08

My DH has lost over 8st in less than a year... what did I say to him before this - very little - I knew that I could not lose the weight for him, and that he needed to do it himself. Moaning at him about it certainly would not get hi to lose it. I did suggest a possible diet to him because I thought it might suit him and left it at that. I have, of course, supported him in his current diet - but more in terms of letting him get on and do it rather than anything else. Oh - and the odd - 'you've lost more, your shirt looks looser..' type comment.

Your DH married you when you weren't sylph-like by your account -he has absolutely no right to complain that you are that weight, and it is not remotely supportive and will not help you lose weight.

The debt on the cards - the fact that he does not know about it is HIS fault because you realised that it would result in ERRUPTIONS. The amount you have managed to get the debt down is amazing - well done (I bet he's never said that).

Selba Sun 28-Apr-13 23:36:08

My DP has twice run up debts ( secretly).

it is a massive massive deal to someone like me who was poor and has worked hard not to be.

I will absolutely leave him if it happens again.

I cannot believe people here are making out that your husband's unkindness about your weight pushed you into running up debts so he's to blame for that too .( I see you are not suggesting this at all OP !)

But if he is unkind to you , that's a whole other thing. It is NOT normal or acceptable to hurl insults at you when he is angry.

In other words there are faults on both sides and you are each responsible for your own faults.

fuckitybollocks Wed 01-May-13 06:56:28

Op how are you doing?

You know you were daft to run up debts but you have not done that for years, in the contrary you have paid off massive amounts. So well done.

However daft or not you so not need to allow someone to wlk over your self esteem. Self esteem is. Self esteem is a strange beast. Yes, it Meds to be something from inside and not dependent on others for validation. But, if one partner for whatever reason has more more power and chooses to exert it then self esteem suffers terribly. I hope that you can free reading this thread focus in some of the good things you have done. You sound supportive and caring especially how you frame the stress that your husband is under.

Do you think you could start being that supportive nd caring to yourself?

25042013 Fri 03-May-13 16:14:53

Thanks for all the recent replies. We've been away for a few days with the children on a break booked ages ago.

We've talked, a little. I've opened up slightly about my fears regarding being thin - i know it is ridiculous to be scared to be a normal size, but I am. i think he maybe understands a little more.

My appointment with Relate is next Wednesday, I'm determined to get myself sorted out.

He has helped me to draw up a budget planner and ways to economise in some areas - some stuff I already did, other stuff will be new.

I have no idea where we go from here tbh, what to expect or how to "be" if that makes sense.

selba do you mind me asking what he spent the money on/what happened?

Hawkmoth Fri 03-May-13 16:21:26

I understand. I used to think that I was unhappy because of my weight. What would happen if I were a normal weight and unhappy? I'd have to take a long hard look at myself, maybe all the unhappiness would turn out to be my fault, perhaps it was something to do with me as a person, not just my size...

Took me a long time to get over that train of thought, but I did.

25042013 Fri 03-May-13 16:42:09

Hawkmoth that is EXACTLY what I have been saying this week - how did you manage to work through it please?

Hawkmoth Sat 04-May-13 11:11:06

I used thinking slimmer and focused on positive changes that I made to my life. Obviously had other things to sort out, but my weight became separate to that. Having more energy to do things really helped, because I could do more about the house etc I felt like I was contributing more. Plus did more walking and that helped to organise my thoughts.

cjel Sat 04-May-13 11:50:14

I don't think that this is a ltb easy case. OPs mum was abusive about her weight before she was with him, there are clearly alot of things going on for her. ok dH may not be handling things in a perfect way by any means and I'm not defending the way he talks to her. I think that you going counselling and finding out why you are so unhappy overeating and overspending is the way forward. If you can work on yourself and be happy with who you are you will know whether his behaviour is acceptable or not. You will make your own mind up about what you want to live like. I'm glad that you are still able to talk to him a bit but I would caution about taking all the 'blame' and doing everything he wants just because you feel worthless already.

Hawkmoth Sat 04-May-13 20:46:19

Meant to say, talked myself out of losing weight, and into getting slimmer. Was always wary that I might lose some part of myself in the process!

stargirl04 Sun 05-May-13 05:59:03

Hi OP. I think that you can be whatever size you wish to be, if you are comfortable with it, not whether your OH is comfortable with it. You can be big and beautiful and happy with it if you want to be - it is a free country!

Do you think that if you lost the weight he would treat you differently? I doubt it. Sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound nice. And it sounds as if he is immature too - bragging to his friends about your weight - that sounds like the behaviour of a teenager.

I read something once about how lack of respect not only undermines you but "conditions" you into thinking that an abnormal or abusive situation is "normal". And that you start to believe the nasty things that are said about you.

You may have made some mistakes with money, but it sounds as though you have made significant progress. Please don't lose sight of that.

Could you go to counselling on your own? You can get free counselling through your GP if you are suffering from depression/anxiety.

Yogii Sun 05-May-13 07:53:32

Hi Op,

Firstly, I think that his almost immediate attempts to have you lose weight were not fair, he shouldn't have been with you if he straight away wanted to change you.

That said, time has moved on and there's much more awareness about how the sedentary lives we lead are affecting us and the long term issues that can be caused. It would be a good thing to get close to the so-called "normal" for age, height etc. because health issues can be avoided. Being a diabetic is no fun, i know a few and they hate it.

So if you are going to lose weight, do it for that reason, and not for him. Do it because you want an active life with your kids and no health issues catching up with you over the years.

You said you hate the gym. Gyms really aren't necessary. We all do so little in the course of a normal life with cars, lifts, etc. to move us about, and with high fat foods in plentiful supply, it's no wonder people struggle with weight. Almost everybody I know who's had any success with maintained weight loss has done it by being more active rather than sticking to a diet. So instead of getting on a diet plan, why not get on an activity plan instead. Check out things like fitbit (google it) and use the very active communities on those places to get some support.

As for the financial side, I don't think you should hand over full control. You could go instead for full transparency. So you could have cards, accounts, etc in your name, and open, manage them, and close them as you please, just offer to always be ready to show the state of them.

I think that's a nice meeting-half-way position. It doesn't relinquish control yet it shows you understand that in marriage the financial position of one is of interest to the other. It's astonishing that people can take the view that because you ran up 30k of debt but managed it down yourself, it's your business. If something happened to you and you were unable to work, or you died, and all sorts of scenarios in between, that debt problem would very quickly become his. I can understand why he wants to know.

Good luck.

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