Can anyone help me please?

[25042013]

namechange check first

[propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS]

Name change worked.

[25042013]

OK that's worked. I'm a regular poster and have been on MN for around 5 years. If you recognise me, PLEASE don't out me :(

I need some advice/help on the situation between myself and my husband. We've been together just short of 20 years, married for nearly 13. When we met I was a big girl, pretty facialy but large (size 18/20).

The first mistake I think I made was being besotted by him and being very very low on any self esteem. I promised him I'd lose weight (I wasn't happy with my weight anyway) but despite going up and down I never managed to lose much, and I told him each week that I had done, so he'd be happy/we wouldn't row. Obviously eventually he found out and a big row ensued over the fact that I'd lied to him over my weight, made a fool of him because he'd been bragging to his workmates etc. then I'd eat in secret so he wouldn't know, and on it went...

this pattern sadly has repeated itself throughout our time together, with the rows going from "hy don't you love/fancy me as I am" to him with (on one occasion) "you're too fat to fuck" which he later retracted and said he didn't mean, he just wanted to hurt me. This is a pattern in any row that we have, he will hurl insults that he knows hurt me, because he is angry and when he is angry he wants to upset me. normal I guess.But it has the effect of me always wanting to avoid him getting cross, which means I'll lie, which means I get found out, which has led to today...

A couple of years after we met I applied for and got a store card. Then a credit card. I was young, stupid and naive and these were what appeared to be "free money". I ran them all up to the hilt on stuff for us, him, the children, the new house, all without him knowing. I'd tell him stuff cost less than it did etc. Eventually he found out about one of them, and went balisstic. I was petrified and swore there were no more, thinking I would manage to get them sorted/paid without him knowing. He made me swear on our kids lives that I was telling the truth and stupidly I did.

Needless to say ovcer the last couple of years he has found out about this twice more, each time I've never dared to come totally clean with him because his reaction has scared me (he has said he wants to hit me/hurt me/doesn't trust himself not to - I don't think he would but if he did I'd deserve it anyway)

The last time, I had got a £16k loan down to just under £2.5 when he found out, and to be honest that nearly finished him off. I knew I had another to finish paying and that I would/could do it without hurting him further. So I opened a basic account to pay it from, and last night he checked my internet history and found it. I think I have broken his heart.

I want us to go to Relate - if we are to stand any chance of staying together we need help, not just with money (I have never cheated on him at all or done anything else - I was simply young and stupid and then frightened), but in the back of my mind every time we row - about anything - is the stuff he says to me, and I think he needs to learn to not hurt me in that way.

He says, there is no marriage to save unless I hand over absolutely all financial stuff to him, and that I will have no access to any of it at all. I honestly don't know if I can do that - he is a person who likes to be in control all the time, and I'm a bit fiestier now and will argue back.

This is my fault for not owning up about all of it each time he found something else, I know that. I've never touched the bills account, or his wages, or the joint credit card, I've paid out of my own spare money (I know that makes it no better, really, but just saying)

He's under threat of redundancy from work and his Mum is ill, so he is stressed anyway. He didn't need me doing this to him :(

We have children who will be absolutely devastated if we split up, and I do love him - I've only ever wanted to make him happy. I know he wants me to be thinner, and better at housework, etc, and I have no idea what stops me losing weight and keeping it off.

Has anyone any advice please? If you want to know anything else please ask - I've tried to put it all in here.

I'm really fragile right now :(

[Madamecastafiore]

Sounds to me like you buy stuff to make you feel better because his attitude to your weight makes you feel shit. So his he is far from blameless in this.

[mistlethrush]

You need a big hug first and foremost.

This is not your fault - OK the original store cards thing was - but you only hid things from him because he goes off on one unreasonably and then does things specifically to hurt you. It sounds as though you're walking on eggshells.

Clearly you are not bad with money because you managed to get a 16k debt down to 2.5k. Still a lot - but seriously impressive to get it down as you did.

Weight - well I can hardly lecture you there - I'm very gradually losing some on the 5:2 - this has been a real revelation to me and you might like to consider it. Alternatively, my DH has managed to lose 8+ stone on the Dukan diet over the last nearly a year - both, however, need to be thought of as a change in lifestyle rather than a diet. DH has managed his weight loss as he actually enjoys eating the food he's allowed to eat on the Dukan diet - even if he's missing things (like pizza) he can still eat things he likes. I'm finding mine similar - 2 days I do have only one low calory meal in the evening, but the rest of the time I can eat much more normally than I would normally have to to lose weight.

[BoiledEggonLegs]

The first mistake I think I made was being besotted by him and being very very low on any self esteem. I promised him I'd lose weight (I wasn't happy with my weight anyway) but despite going up and down I never managed to lose much, and I told him each week that I had done, so he'd be happy/we wouldn't row. Obviously eventually he found out and a big row ensued over the fact that I'd lied to him over my weight, made a fool of him because he'd been bragging to his workmates etc. then I'd eat in secret so he wouldn't know, and on it went...

this pattern sadly has repeated itself throughout our time together, with the rows going from "hy don't you love/fancy me as I am" to him with (on one occasion) "you're too fat to fuck" which he later retracted and said he didn't mean, he just wanted to hurt me. This is a pattern in any row that we have, he will hurl insults that he knows hurt me, because he is angry and when he is angry he wants to upset me.


This ^^ is the problem, not a couple of credit cards that you were managing perfectly fine.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

He sounds like an enemy not a husband tbh :(

[JammySplodger]

It sounds like there's alot going on there, you being in fear of him, and (even though you are slowly getting it sorted) his lack of trust in you and your finances.

I'm not sure handing control of your finances to him is a good idea at all though - if anything all things should be joint and completely transparent so you can work through them as a couple. If you say he's controlling, giving him extra control isn't going to help your confidence or self-esteem at all.

Can you see about some counselling just for yourself? And maybe suggest he does too?

And maybe ask MN to move this post over to Relationships?

[25042013]

Sorry, I must say here that I wasn't managing them perfectly fine - in my stupidity when we married and moved house I conveniently forgot to inform these companies, so I am now finishing the repayments to the collection agencies they were sent to. I should have put that in the original post, sorry.

[25042013]

I also must add that the first twice he found out, he paid them off to get them sorted - after that (the £2.5ish k) I paid, but obviously paying it off at speed means that I can't contribute to repaying the savings he used initially. I don't expect anyone else to pay these debts for me, they are mine and I need to get them dealt with.

[JammySplodger]

I agree with BoiledEgg too that you've pointed out yourself a major problem - your weight, your self-esteem and your relationship with your husband are very much linked.

[BoiledEggonLegs]

Even so, I don't think the money issue is the most important.

Seriously 'big row ensued over the fact that I'd lied to him over my weight, made a fool of him because he'd been bragging to his workmates'
Is this what he said to you? That you have humiliated him by lying about your weight because he had been bragging to his mates ??

[25042013]

Yes, he did at the time. He was embarassed by the fact that he believed me when I guess it was obvious that I hadn't lost much at all. His big thing is being lied to - he always has said that it is the one thing he won't put up with.

[JammySplodger]

No-one should be humiliated and belittled, least of all by their spouse.

[nilbyname]

Your Dh is a horrible person and the fights you have and what he says to "hurt" you in the heat of the moment are unforgivable. He should be supporting you not crushing you when you "step out of line", he sounds monstrous.

Fuck Relate. Go to the CAB and get some good debt advice, well done for coming this far to paying it off, that is a huge!

The debt is something you are fixing and will be soon gone.

Your weight, whatever size you are, are you happy with how you look/feel? Would you like to lose weight? Something sensible and a way to meet new people, like Slimming world might be worth a shot? If you are inclined. But you do it for you, your health and happiness not his.

[25042013]

I know Jammy and I've said that to him, but he sees no connection with him just saying stuff that is in the heat of the moment, and then the gravity of what I have done. What I've done is far worse, but I honestly just don't know whether I can cope with only having an "allowance" for food that he decides on, and no other access to anything at all.

HE says I cannot be trusted with money, he - last time - called me a theif and said I needed to resign from the charity I run as if folk knew the kind of person I was they wouldn't want me near it. I still run it though, at the moment.

[treaclesoda]

OK. You are very down on yourself.

This is a pattern in any row that we have, he will hurl insults that he knows hurt me, because he is angry and when he is angry he wants to upset me. normal I guess.

Personally, I don't think this is normal. Arguments do happen, its rare that a couple don't argue, but in the healthiest relationships, the argument is about the thing that caused you to disagree in the first place. It is not about 'oh, I thought you were going to do that thing that I asked you to do', ' no, sorry, I forgot'. 'You know what, you're fat, you're ugly' etc etc. I'm horrified that he would be discussing your weight with his mates anyway, if I thought my DH was sitting in work going 'oh, Treacle has put on weight this week, she ate a takeaway when I told her not to', I'd be devastated.

You have been dishonest with him about the money though, and that is a trust issue - if you were to post on here that you had discovered your DH had run up debts despite previously saying they were under control, I think people would say that alarm bells are ringing regarding his trustworthyness.

But honestly, like others have said, I think the debts are the lesser part of your problem at the moment. Your husband is being cruel, deliberately cruel, and you will be in an ongoing negative cycle until something changes.

I don't know what to suggest, but please don't be so hard on yourself regarding your weight. With that sort of lack of support, its no wonder you have struggled to lose any.

[25042013]

Nillbyname I have tried everything, from SW to WW to lo carbing to Lighter life. And they all work, for a time. But then something inside me snaps, or someone comments on how good I look, or whatever, and I go into self destruct mode.

[BoiledEggonLegs]

What about what you won't put up with? There are two of you in your marriage it isn't all about what he will and won't put up with is it?

I wouldn't put up with someone who was so bothered about my weight, tells his mates what I weighed and least of all bragged about MY WEIGHT to his workmates. I also wouldn't put up with him saying I was too fat to fuck and then goes on to deliberately insult me in ways he knows would hurt. Any and all of that would be a complete relationship breaker for me.

Money troubles, debt etc can all be sorted out but the damage that is done by behaviour like that ^^ can't always be repaired.

Do you have children? If that was your daughter writing that what advice would you give her?

[25042013]

He would say that he HAS been supportive - in the times I'm on a diet, he eats whatever is put in front of him, no complaints, doesnt eat takeaway in front of me, etc etc.

It is a trust issue you are right and if it were reversed I think everyone would be screaming LTB. He did something early on in our relationship that took many years to be fully sorted out, because HE lied to me about it - but as he says, he's never lied to me since as he "learnt his lesson and realised what he had to lose"

[nilbyname]

op Probably your arse of a DH who is crushing you with his obsession with how you look is somewhat bothersome?

What he is doing is not normal, you know that right?

[TheRealFellatio]

I agree with MadameCastafiore

First of all, I don't understand how men end up marrying and having children with women they clearly find so beneath them in the looks stakes, but anyway....

How did you manage to run up so much debt without him noticing all the stuff you bought?

He sounds extremely controlling and I think you have been scretly over-spending and over-eating to temporarily raise your seratonin levels, in a bid to make yourself feel less shit. So it all traces back to him really. Of course you should not have done it, but it's not surprising under the circumstances.

[25042013]

Yes we have children, 3 boys and a girl. If it were my daughter I'd hope that she'd have enough self respect not to put up with it - when I met my husband, my mothers first comments were "isn't he bothered that you're so fat" so I guess for me I was used to curling up and dying a bit inside every time it was commented on.

[mistlethrush]

When he lied did you go off on one and throw insults at him left right and centre? It sounds to me as though you're only lying as the consequences of not lying have been so catastrophic.

[25042013]

Regarding him saying stuff to his workmates/friends/family, I think he was proud and wanted to show me off a bit. I've always been big/bigger, and I am rather lazy and bloody hate going to the gym with a passion. He says that he doesn't care any more about my size he is used to it, but still odd comments do come out.

I'm a lot more awful I think than my posts are making me appear - I'm stroppy/grumpy/untidy/eat the wrong stuff/drink a bit too much etc.

[25042013]

No, I've never, ever hurled insults at him about anything. It would be easy to do, he has insecurities like anyone else, but I couldn't do that to him/anyone

But then he'd answer to that that what I have done - swearing on the kids lives, lying repeatedly, promising him there was nothing else - is far worse