Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can anyone shed any light on this mans behaviour.

(41 Posts)
pantson Thu 25-Apr-13 11:56:42

Just not the from the ' learn to speak man' poster.

I have a third date tonight. He text to arrange it Sunday, after he had said he would let me know when he was free over the weekend and didnt.
He was all chatty, we have plans and then I dont hear from him.
In person he is very chatty, but via text ( and he wont speak on the phone) he is awful. I have tried the odd random text and it just gets one word replies.

It doesnt make me feel like he wants to see me to be honest, it doesnt feel like hes making any effort. I cancelled the second date due to this and told him and he then was a lot more chatty, but its reverted to one word texts again.

Hes also constantly on the dating site where I met him, which is fine, but coupled with the rubbish texts, it generally feels like he isnt interested. If he can be bothered chatting online, he should be bothered to text. But then he was him whos asking to see me.

Anyone?
Should I just not bother?

bobbywash Thu 25-Apr-13 15:33:36

IIRC research indicates that people generally sleep together on the 3rd date. That's probably why he's keeping in touch.

You don't seem compatable if that (the communication) is an issue for you, so move on

cinnamonsugar Thu 25-Apr-13 15:47:11

How do you know that for the duration of him appearing online on the dating site, he is reading it or even has that browser tab in the foreground? You don't. Don't assume that someone is sitting at the computer or looking at a site just because the site is showing them as online. 1. He could have 10 browser tabs open and be logged in but look at it for 2 minutes and then not again but you see him logged in for 3 hours because it's still open in his browser. 2. Some site's aren't that reliable - e.g I have known OKCupid to show someone online 20 minutes after they are not. 3. Being online 'constantly' doesn't necessarily mean he is sat there the whole time. I appear online on several sites when I am up and down and doing 10 different things at the same time.

Some people just really don't see the point of texting anything other than as a way of making plans and, it would seem in his case, acknowledging and agreeing them. I wouldn't chat on the phone after 2 dates either. Really, judge him by what he is like in person and real life actions rather than virtual ones.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 25-Apr-13 16:38:51

I have a third date tonight. He text to arrange it Sunday, after he had said he would let me know when he was free over the weekend and didnt.

Based on what you say above, I would bin him. Personally, I can't stand unreliable people.

He sounds half-hearted to me and at this stage it should be fun.

akaWisey Thu 25-Apr-13 17:06:38

I agree with the bin and move on brigade.

If he's like this now I think it's likely that's how it will always be. If you stick around and begin to really like him it'll be excruciating and frustrating.

babadabadoo Thu 25-Apr-13 17:11:49

i think its pretty obvious, hes not that into you. sorry to be blunt but you hardly know him and from what you have said he is just giving your courtesy responses rather than ignoring you. quit texting him, guys dont like to be chased they like to do the chasing. hes keeping his options open and you should too! hes not the only guy out there - best of luck i know the dating scene is a minefield but be cool and positive

VelvetSpoon Thu 25-Apr-13 18:31:11

Might've known the horrendous, disempowering 'he's not that into you' would be trotted out sooner or later hmm. It's bollocks to say men like to chase/ if they're not chasing you/constantly texting you then they're not interested, the constant texting/contact is actually far more the sign of a borderline stalker! Confident, nice, well adjusted men are quite happy to be chased, and indeed often appreciate not having to do all the running.

There is no rule here. No magic formula, other than you need to be on the same page. If you need/expect constant contact and aren't interested in anyone who isn't operating on that level, then you need to look for someone who is.

If there is inconsistency, ie the people who are all text/text/text at the start, and then back right off, then you should rightly pull them up on that. But it's unfair to criticise someone who isn't much interested in electronic communication. There's nothing inherently wrong in that.

ginslinger Thu 25-Apr-13 18:36:31

He's a virtual stranger at this stage. Why are you so caught up in texting? The dates where you meet each other are what count. We need an old bag emoticon for me I fear

maddy68 Thu 25-Apr-13 18:51:44

he could be dyslexic or have trouble writing/reading?

It's not disempowering to point out that someone is clearly not interested and that the OP should move on. Far more disempowering to urge her to spend money on beauty treatments, lose weight, suck cock, follow 'rules' in order to make this man want her. After only a couple of dates, it's fine just to drop someone and look for someone else, and if you are not getting much enthusiasm from the other person it's better to walk away than wear yourself out trying to 'make' him want you.

VelvetSpoon Thu 25-Apr-13 19:28:33

You can't say he's not interested simply because he isn't texting her constantly! It's far more of a red flag at this stage if someone was in constant contact, that's often how abusers operate.

It is disempowering. It encourages women to sit back, be passive and basically wait for a man who is going to chase after them to the nth degree, and I fail to see anything good in that.

Mollydoggerson Thu 25-Apr-13 19:36:38

He is enjoying your company whilst waiting for the bigger, better deal.

Don't waste your time.

He's just trying to keep his options wide open by the sounds of it.

Probably not that interested but not uninterested enough to rule you out.

I wouldn't bother though, you can meet nicer blokes than that, who you're more compatible with/make you feel like they are interested smile

Fuckitthatlldo Thu 25-Apr-13 20:05:57

I agree VelvetSpoon.

I read The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You (you know, in the name of... ahem... research) and came to the conclusion that if women were to act as advised in these books, then they would only ever end up in relationships with men that were prepared to aggressively pursue them despite their repeated shows of disinterest.

In other words they would end up with a potential stalker. A man that continues to chase after women who seemingly aren't very interested in him. Do other women find that attractive? I don't.

And anyway, who wants to be with a man who is scared off by a woman taking a bit of initiative? That's the kind of man who probably only likes sex in the missionary position grin

There isn't anything wrong with keeping your options open after two dates. In fact, people who decide that they are In A Relationship after only two dates are either abusers or utterly desperate. However, if someone's making you feel uneasy, insecure and you are desperately overanalysing every look, word, text and bellyrumble then it's Not Working and best to dump and move on.

Squitten Thu 25-Apr-13 20:51:11

Why the big hang up about it OP? You're hardly exclusive at this point, are you?

Chill out about it, take the dates as and when you or he want to organise them but look about elsewhere too and dont get hung up on this one. He's very likely doing the same himself.

ecclesvet Thu 25-Apr-13 23:08:43

Not everyone uses text messages for back and forth conversations, he might just not know that's what you expect.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now