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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Send a message or go to bed?

29 replies

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 17:30

DH is working away, as he frequently does. We've not actually "spoken" since Saturday.
There have been a few FB PMs, mostly instigated by me, but nothing else.

He's not great at communication when he's away anyway so the not physically speaking isn't too much of an issue but I am starting to feel as if I'm bottom of the pile. I sent him a message 24 hours ago to say I was goign to bed soon and he replied to say he was having a drink with a couple of guys. I said I'd be heading out in the morning so probably wouldn't catch him before I went (I'm 3 hours ahead of him). REad, no reply.
Sent him a message when I got home 6.5 hours ago. Read an hour later, no reply.

I assume he's ok but would like to hear from him anyway. I always sned him a message and wait to see if he's at least read it.

I'm tired and in a shitty mood anyway and I can't decide whether to think fuck you, if you can't be arsed, nor can i, and go to bed, or whether that's childish.

OP posts:

Report

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 17:31

And now he's popped up online

OP posts:

ClippedPhoenix · 24/04/2013 17:39

It's not childish nor unreasonable to want your husband to communicate on a daily basis with you whilst away. This would make me very cross indeed and childish or not I wouldn't hang around to speak to him again. Let him do the calling/messaging.

I've recently left an uncommunicative man.

worley · 24/04/2013 17:41

and while hes online.. has he chatted to you ?

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 17:42

He did - just now. Still on FB messaging though. And I'm still pissed off.

The not talking doesn't bother me, we often end up with long silences, but some interest in how my life os going and how the kids are would be nice.

OP posts:

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 17:42

Worley, he's just sent me a message.

OP posts:

ClippedPhoenix · 24/04/2013 17:48

Who else is he talking to on FB? Just you? I smell a rat.

ClippedPhoenix · 24/04/2013 17:50

Seems to me that when away from home he acts like a single man.

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 17:54

Possibly, but he'll have to have one in every port because he works all over the place.

He could be talking to anyone, as could I be. I don't see him being crap at communicating, as necessarily mean he's screwing his way around the world.

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Doha · 24/04/2013 17:54

Out of sight out of mind perhaps?

starfield · 24/04/2013 17:58

That's appalling and I don't know why you put up with it.

IMO he should be checking in at least once a day and preferably twice, to catch up with you and hear how the kids are doing.

How disrespectful and uncaring. What's the point of a relationship with so little effort on his part?

You should probably stop being the one doing the running. At the very least, he's taking you for granted.

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 18:00

I think so. He's always ridiculously busy when he's away (and at home for that matter) and I think his logic is "If there's a problem, she;ll tell me about it"
Which, I guess is logical, but he just doesn't seem to realise that I'd like to be able to 'chat'.

He's not going to change

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ClippedPhoenix · 24/04/2013 18:07

Defending him now OP...... He may not be having affairs etc. but he's certainly acting in a very couldn't care less about you and the kids way.

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 18:10

I don't think he's up to anything, CP, I just think he thinks we're all fine, so what's the problem?
Different expectations his brother's the same I guess.

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GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 18:11

But still disappointing sometimes (like now when I'm pissed off with the world and everybody in it).

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ClippedPhoenix · 24/04/2013 18:15

Why should he be allowed to do this to you then? Why can't you tell him what would help YOU run things whilst he's away. I will scream if you tell me "he's just a man"

Good communication makes for a strong, happy marriage. Lack of it doesn't.

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 18:20

I can run everything myself while he's away. I've had to and I've been doing it for years.
He doesn't need to talk regularly, as I said, his theory is if there's a problem he'll hear about it. I'm just different to him, and we have actually come a long way from how things were a long time ago in the past.

I'm not normally so bothered, I'm really tired and have had a few shitty weeks, this is just one of those "AND another thing!" moments

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starfield · 24/04/2013 18:30

Perhaps this is something that works for you, but it wouldn't for many people, something you do seem to realise. If you don't want the majority to agree with the tone of your OP (which does cue criticism) it would be better not to start a thread about it IMO.

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 18:35

When I started this thread he wasn't yet online - I had no idea whether he would come online before I went to bed or not.

Every night I've been the one to initiate contact and tonight I thought I wasn't going to bother. I just wasn't sure whether not bothering to send him a message first would be something people would generally do, or whether it would be considered tit-for tat.

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ClippedPhoenix · 24/04/2013 18:52

Again, why are you with someone that doesn't enhance your life and leaves you to do everything?

Another I'm the king of the castle relationship and you put up and shut up....

MadAboutHotChoc · 24/04/2013 18:58

He sounds very detached - a huge red flag. What is he like when he is at home?

My DH works away a lot and he contacts me at least twice a day (mornings and evenings) and we often chat online or via face time etc.

GirlOutNumbered · 24/04/2013 19:01

my DH is rubbish at messages etc. it's just how he is, he's not a great conversationalist.
He messages if something needs saying and assumes ill do the same.

I don't really mind.

GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 19:04

That's a bit of a leap!

His attitude towards communication pisses me right off, really drives me nuts sometimes, but he's not going to change. I've explained how I feel, but he doesn't understand.
The reason I do everything is because he's away most of the time.

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GilmoursPillow · 24/04/2013 19:07

That was to CP.

mad he's fine at home, unless there's a work issue stressing him out. He hates travelling.

girl I think my DH is of the same mentality as yours. He's a very practical person too. A lot of the time I don't mind, but sometimes, like today, I do.

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ClippedPhoenix · 24/04/2013 19:50

And he doesn't make it better? couples make things better for each other surely.

He hates travelling and does it all the time so he doesnt communicate with you when he does?

GirlOutNumbered · 24/04/2013 21:17

I hear you.
Some times I'll text and he'll answer with a 'k', short for okay!

I wonder whether he does it as he knows he drives me nuts!

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