Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
How do you move on with partner after an act of infedilty?(96 Posts)
Which is how I see it.
Some of you may remember me as the silly fool who, after her DH went and paid for 2 private, fully naked lapdances while out one Fri night with another colleague, took the decision to shag her arse of a husband to the death. Probably in a bid to show him that I could do that plus, after reading up about it, was certainly undergoing hysterical bonding.
Just for detail, Iater found out that these private dances lasted for well over one hour and a half and were in the privacy of a booth.
It cost him near on £500 for the 'pleasure'.
I cannot discuss that element any more as it just sickens me so much it is destroying my health. Please don't ask me for further details.
Right now, I can't bear to look at him like that. We are not making love.
He is nothing but apologetic. Says all the right things. I know he means them.
But I cannot look at him in the same way anymore. I feel like he's betrayed me so very badly and, rightly or wrongly, I feel as bad as if it was a short affair.
I feel horribly sad now. Just sad. I have little hatred left to throw at him.
My life feels like it left my stomach some time ago.
I don't really want feedback about how I should LTB. I want to somehow get back to where we were.
But I'm finding it awfully difficult.
This only happened 3 weeks ago.
Can time heal?
He could've saved you the trouble by going himself though. Too late now but still, that was the one thing you asked of him in all this & it didn't happen. Did he say why he didn't go?
STI check is necessary if OP does not fully believe her H's account. Only OP can know this.
And if she doesn't believe him, then she is not ready to decide on a path of reconciliation (which requires commitment from both spouses to work on rebuilding the marriage), but instead needs to find an arrangement under which she can have the time and space to make a proper decision.
You do sound wise and sensible to put DD first.
The reason why we are questioning what really happened is because you are asking us how do you move on with partner after an act of infidelity....unless you know the full truth, there is no way you both can move on by creating a new relationship that has trust and honesty.
OP, please don't be cross with posters here. It's essential that you get the full truth about what happened, because as MadAbout said, neither of you can move on from this until that happens. I posted earlier about a possible infidelity by my exH that happened over 20 years ago, and I never got the full truth. You never get past it until you know exactly what you're dealing with.
I was trying to stop you from being hurt again. Can you imagine the hurt if you really fight to rebuild this, and then find out in a few years what really happened? You deserve the truth, and £500 doesn't add up.
I can see that you don't want that, though. I'm sorry. I'll bow out, and I wish you all the best.
op, I haven't read all your replies, but do know several couples who have put infidelity behind them and gone on to have incredibly long and happy marriages in which trust was rebuilt. Of the ones I know, the key onus here is on the part of the cheater. He (was usually a he - not always) has to feel 100% remorse and 100% sure he will never put his marriage or his family in that sort of jeopardy again.
You can only know that by talking with him. He needs to have really practical solutions in place so that he is never tempted or worse - expected to go to one of those clubs again as part of a business arrangement.
If he is very open about rebuilding your trust and does what you need in order to feel loved and cherished again, then in time, I think you'll be OK. The other key thing is to forgive, genuinely. To be able to say: he made a mistake. People do. I've made mistakes too - different ones, but ones that impacted on him. I forgive him. It's in the past.
I really REALLY loathe the posts that assume that because of one mistake, someone should be shunned forever, and lives ruined. Yes, if he's a lying cheating creep who doesn't respect you and never has, of course you'd want to get out, but if he's a loving man who was stupid and wants more than anything to stay with you - why not forgive and move on? No one is perfect.
We can't go through life hoiking our pants up at the people around us not being perfect. I always suspect the serial LTB posters get a vicarious thrill from the miserable drama of others. What he did was vile, but it doesn't mean he's devilspawn, or that he'll do it again.
It's up to you and him. He needs to do what it takes to regain your trust and make you feel adored. You need to work out how to forgive him and trust that this is in the past for good.
Erm, sorry OP but I can promise you £500 is a full shag, maybe including extras. Dance is £50 if not less.
I'm sorry, it sounded arsey, it wasn't meant to be. A friend of mine used to work in similar places over the years and well, from the horses mouth and all.
Also sorry op. Just from experience (dont ask) I know £500 does not equal an hours lapdance. I dont think you can rely.on the sources you have stated and should check it out yourself.
But as a poster just mentioned I dont think you really want the whole truth. It may be easier to convince yourself that thats as far as it went because then you can work on forgiving him.
But deluding yourself will not fix this and you will always have that doubt in your mind ( why else have the std test?)
That will be what eventually implodes this relationship. If you really want to make it work you need to look at the cold hard truth first.
I will be going to this place at some point and I will find out exactly what goes on.
Perhaps I will squander the same amount of money and see what it is that you can really purchase.
The thought of it is vile and I'm aware that most of you would consider this a bad idea.
I was actually going to suggest visiting, so you can see for yourself where he was, and what he did.
I know that you don't want to know, but you need too. Once you are completely aware of what happened, you can try to process it and move on, if that's what you want to do.
I want to believe him, but he didn't even admit it to you: you had to demand to see his statement. And £500 would be crazy money, a dance is usually £30 in lower-class places, and £40-50 in higher. Strippers might be well-off, but they'd be millionaires if they made £500 for a dance!
I hope the clinic wasn't too bad, and that today is as easy as possible for you. I can't believe he's done this while your children are so young (or at all, but you know what I mean)
It wasn't £500 for one 'dance'.
It was £300 for the first one which lasted one hour.
His second one was £180 for a half hour one. With a different woman.
It utterly sickens me to think about it.
And of course, he enjoyed it. Why else would you go back for more?
I am not a total idiot.
He claims he was so drunk he can barely remember it.
That goes nowhere near to softening the blow.
Please no more speculation.
Just to clarify, Im not for or against strip clubs, but i have been take to one by my old boss, it just didn't appeal me.
I highly doubt he got anything more than a dance.
If its a 'classy' place then £500 for private dance is probably in the high end of normal.
Generally 'extras' are given to regular/trusted customers because its bad for business for a place to be known as a brothel because No 'self respecting' business man wants to be seen going into a brothel.
The licence would be immediately revoked if caught by the authorities.
And also giving extras will set a bad precedent for other strippers.
What happens for example £120 will get you a 15 mins private dance. After those 15mins are up, if she feels she can get more money from him ie. someone new or naive.. then she'll be extremely nice, make him feel like he is the most wonderful man in the world. She'll then offer another dance and the cycle begins again. In between they will order another bottle of champagne or even food.
Most strippers have the skill of manipulation to a fine art.
Private dances are an extreme form of dry humping.
To answer your questions of course you can get over anything, no one has power over you.
However you have to ask yourself, deep deep down do you want to get over it. Then everything should be clear on how to proceed.
"He claims he was so drunk he can barely remember it.
That goes nowhere near to softening the blow."
Because it's an obvious and self-serving lie.
The mind boggles at the thought of an hour long lap dance.
An hour of prick teasing with no relief, followed by another half our of the same?
Firstly can everyone give the OP a break, rather than speculating about the details of what did and didn't go on. She has come here for help about how to get over it and has expressly asked for people not to delve into the gory details. You may be trying to help, but you are not respecting the OP and what she needs right now is respect and help.
OP - I have been in your position and eight months on I am still with my husband and our relationship is OK. Not amazing but OK. A complication for me was that my husband was severely depressed at the time and the revelations about his private dancers were a catalyst for him to get treatment. So I have taken the view that the priority was for him to get well. In the time taken for him to get better, the pain and disgust has faded. I have had to grieve for the person I thought I knew, and like any grief this has diminished over time, but not disappeared.
It doesn't sound like your husband is depressed, but the principle of time helping things to fade still applies.
I hope that helps a little.
Porky did you get checked out for an sti?
My point being that the op has, so obviously she has a feeling that something more than a dance happened which her husband is not admitting to.
Thats not speculation, thats fact. If she really truly honestly believed him why the std check?
I think myself and alot of posters were referring to the fact that unless she feels she knows 100% the whole truth then sge will not be able to move on and work past it.
That doubt in the back of her mind will either make the relationship miserable or doomed to fail.
This feels like one never ending head-banging-against-wall exercise.
Let's just leave it there, folks.
I think we've talked it to death at this stage.
I've had some good advice.
Thanks too for those who have private messaged me.
Now, I'm just going to have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, try and look after myself a bit better and hopefully see some way through this.
I will post again if there is anything new for me to put to you all.
OP - I hope you are ok. It must be exceptionally difficult for you reading all these opinions of what may or may not have gone on.
Take some time to think about what you want to do from here, preferably away from your husband. It's a huge decision.
Don't let anyone make you feel that you would be a delusional idiot to believe your H has told you everything that went on.
Don't let anyone make you feel that you would be weak to decide to try to rebuild your relationship if that is what you want to do.
Whatever you do is going to be bloody hard and you need to face it with courage and a sense that you are doing the right thing for you and your DC. Don't rush it.
I'm so sorry you are facing this
FWIW I'm with racingheart - no one is perfect and if he is really truly sorry, you can and should try to, get over this.
I wish you well x
Nothing useful to add OP but just wanted to give my support to what you're trying to do. I hope it works out for you. This time in a year, you'll be in a much better place, whatever happens.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.