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no sex or nothing

(88 Posts)
WhyWhyY Tue 23-Apr-13 12:53:46

i have been with my partner for over 2 years and we've recently had a baby. in my honest mind, i know i have been more demanding since baby has come along and of course we are tired. But not THAT tired, baby s very very good and has been sleeping through for months.

ive done all i can to try and make myself more alluring, lost my baby weight, changed my hair to the colour his exes was, done my nails...generally taking care of myself but no matter what I do, there is no spark...not even a whiff from my partner. If there is, it's once in a blue moon - probably once a month.

i suppose the real answer is if i loved him, i'd put up with it right? we've talked and talked til the cows come home, I've cried, i've tried it on with him, i've ranted, i've done nothing...and nothing works.

I dont really know what i want someone to say to me...perhaps i just need to grow a pair and walk away. i know im only staying because its inconceievable to me to leave at the moment. if i won the lottery tomorrow it'd be last chance saloon for him and if he didnt amend his behaviour (or lack of) i'd just walk away. im young, im not that ugly, im not that fat, i'm not horrid or evil...i just want a normal sex life - my life isn't over just yet!!!!!

WhyWhyY Wed 01-May-13 20:46:28

He was at the birth, it was emergency c section.
He's not secretive at all with his phone/email etc

When I say we are barely amicable, we can go maybe 2 days without an argument. Despite getting a job and contributing I always feel he resents me, and certainly doesn't respect me.
He downplays my job, ok it's crap but it's work.
He always makes out he does everything when he does not.

I think it's just a relationship that ended long ago, that were staying in out of need rather than want.

MumnGran Wed 24-Apr-13 22:08:07

Can I ask if he was at the birth of your baby?

Some men have a real issue with seeing their wives in a sexual light, after watching the birth process. It is not something they can easily overcome, and therapy may be essential to get the thought processes back to where they should be.
If this is the case, he needs your understanding. It is not easy for a man to admit - even to his wife/partner. It is not something he has control over. It cannot be turned off like a tap.

I am not saying this IS the case. Simply that it MAY be the answer to why it is happening.

Pdaboy Wed 24-Apr-13 21:53:18

Honey, what you might think is alluring I am guessing is very different to what he thinks. Sounds like he's having fun elsewhere baby girl! Sorry

Wannabestepfordwife Wed 24-Apr-13 12:41:46

Op I really do feel for you

When you say your barely amicable what do yow mean? Do you just argue a lot or does he undermine you and put you down

LippiPongstocking Wed 24-Apr-13 11:59:08

"TBH that makes me uncomfortable. If it was a man talking about how his DW wasn't interested in sex we would be shocked to hear a discussion about whether she is still getting wet sometimes."

It might make you uncomfortable, but it's an important question - lack of erections can mean a physical cause, such as illness, as opposed to a psychological one.

To be honest, it sounds like the relationship was largely physical before the baby arrived, and there's nothing much more than that going on now - sorry, OP.

lottieandmia Wed 24-Apr-13 11:17:43

I agree you should suggest to him that you go to Relate or something. And if he does not show willing, then start thinking about possibly moving on with your life without him and start planning how you could do this. Do you have family you could go to?

I would also try to do some detective work - have you looked at his phone or emails? Is he secretive with his phone? This might sound awful but his behaviour could be for a number of reasons and you need to be able to rule out an affair.

If it's a health problem then he needs to show willing to work on it. His treatment of you at the moment is cruel and I feel very sad for you OP sad Life is too short to spend with someone who won't meet you half way at least.

HalfBakedCleverCookie Wed 24-Apr-13 09:23:13

I have no advice, sorry, but I am in a similar position to you.

Got pregnant very quickly in a relationship, everything was fine but our sex life has disappeared.

Dp says he just has a low sex drive and so its something I learn to live with but I'm not happy. I don't want to force him either though.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 24-Apr-13 09:11:21

Do you know anything about his previous relationships and why they finished?

Xenia Wed 24-Apr-13 08:56:17

If lots of talking between you has not worked then tell him you are seriously concerned and what about counselling? The fact is you are not happy (and it is the same if the sexes were reversed). Unless he is rejecting the cuddling because he thinks it will lead to sex, most men who are having sexual problems will still cuddle. There is no reason he cannot do all kinds of sexual things to you which do not involve him having erections if he loves you. Has he discovered he's gay? Or perhaps he just needs to get some testosterone treatment.

WhyWhyY Wed 24-Apr-13 08:19:35

He wont cuddle, or if he does, i'll ask for a cuddle, he'll oblige but as soon as he can he'll extract himself. Same if I try to cuddle him in bed. He wont go on dates, if I arrange them, closer to the time he says we can't afford it...even though its me paying. He makes such a fuss over it until I cancel it.

we're barely amicable any more, i cant cope with how for almost a year i have tried to wait for him to suddenly show me some affection or anything and im still waiting.

really ive been thinking about it overnight, i slept away from our bed. and i think i just dont love him anymore, perhaps if i did i'd be able to wait patiently. but i can't. its got to the point now where im seeing every time he pulls away, or doesn't hug me, or says no to sex...it's just become such a huge, insurmountable thing that i think somewhere i fell out of love with him.

Ouchmyhead Wed 24-Apr-13 01:30:44

Maybe there's just too much focus on sex. If my partner was putting that much pressure on me to have sex all the time, I'd be really put off! Maybe try talking to him about the emotional side of your relationship, going on a few dates, cuddling, not talking about sex all the time with him. He probably is tired, and stressed - and it does have an effect on your libido. DP and I have both gone through times when we don't really fancy sex for one reason or another (stress at work, health), never once did we question ending our relationship - we just talked about it, took the pressure off each other and stopped making it an issue.

Monka Tue 23-Apr-13 23:02:48

Could you try relate if your partner is up for it. They do psycho sexual counselling. My husband has a low sex drive as do his two brothers (my sister in laws told me) and due to family stress went right off sex for a while. The counselling helped get everything back on track. My husband has always been very touchy feely though. Even when he went off sex he always wanted to fall asleep cuddling me but didn't want to follow through to anything else. He never had a problem getting an erection either it was more issues in his head with family stresses. Good luck.

Wannabestepfordwife Tue 23-Apr-13 21:52:46

You need to do what's best for you and your dc and moving out with nothing to go to wouldn't be good for either of you,

Apart from the sex how is your relationship with your p are you amicable?

WhyWhyY Tue 23-Apr-13 21:40:35

no, nothing at all. which makes it all much harder.

as bad as it sounds i might have to wait it out until i do. i have massive loans and debts to pay off which i had planned to start paying but maybe if i save for a few months i'll have more money to think about leaving when i need to.

Wannabestepfordwife Tue 23-Apr-13 21:39:22

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Do you have any savings to get a place if you need to

WhyWhyY Tue 23-Apr-13 21:33:37

My family isn't really supportive but they are there.

sorry mrshoarder, i was just answering the question posed.

Wannabestepfordwife Tue 23-Apr-13 21:30:12

I know what you mean I have to get my mil on the case when dp needs to see the dr she's much more persuasive then me.

Do you have friends and family in rl to support you if you do decide to leave

MrsHoarder Tue 23-Apr-13 21:29:38

TBH that makes me uncomfortable. If it was a man talking about how his DW wasn't interested in sex we would be shocked to hear a discussion about whether she is still getting wet sometimes.

WhyWhyY Tue 23-Apr-13 21:21:07

I dont even get to GET that close, if I even get anywhere near his crotch he giggles and says "get off" and jumps away from me.

Skinnywhippet Tue 23-Apr-13 21:19:34

What happens if you fiddle with his sausage? Does he get excited?

WhyWhyY Tue 23-Apr-13 21:19:30

I dont think so, stepford. He wont even go when he's ill.... men.... or some men I should say!!

Thanks for trying to help, maybe i'm already at the end of the road anyway. We were a very fledgling relationship anyway, maybe this would have happened anyway...its just harder now because of the baby. Had this happened and been going on for so long, and baby wasn't here, I'd have gone long ago.

Im a very tactile, sexual person to be left like this makes me feel like I'm starving.

WhyWhyY Tue 23-Apr-13 21:17:42

No, no wet dreams. I doubt he even thinks about it, when I tell him I have been thinking about it or ask him if he does, he just says no and giggles like a child.

He does still get erections but we're talking once a month generally. He pays plenty of attention to girls on the TV, or out and about.

Wannabestepfordwife Tue 23-Apr-13 21:16:41

I really wish I could say something of help.

If he won't talk to you is there any possibility he would talk to a gp

Xenia Tue 23-Apr-13 21:13:55

If he's not masturbating is he having wet dreams? You need to do some kind of sperm hunt at home to get the evidence, check tissues etc.

Does he thin about sex even if he doesn't masturbate? Does he still get erections? If he sees pretty girl does he have a sexy thought or is he just totally asexual in every way? If so perhaps he just needs testosterone injections.

WhyWhyY Tue 23-Apr-13 21:11:24

Thanks beforeandafter, i will try asking him outright a few things. i have no doubt he'll deny each and every one but nothing will get better sad

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