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Married men lie!

(75 Posts)
Destinysdaughter Tue 23-Apr-13 01:24:18

Not sure if I will get any compassionate responses on here but having read so many wise posts on here from women who have given their support to others I thought I would give it a go. But totally expect to get flamed for this. So, 22 months ago I met a man on the Internet who told me when we first met that he had been divorced for 3 years. When I was at his flat it was obvious he lived there alone, it was a one bedroom flat with no sign of a woman being there. We saw each other for 6 months on an NSA basis, always during the week, at weekends he was always staying with friends or seeing his adult kids even tho they still lived with his wife. We had long conversations about why his marriage had ended ( grew apart, lack of sex etc) and I had no reason to disbelieve him

However over time I realised I was falling for him. Is not what you are supposed to do when it is just NSA and I never had the confidence to tell him. I had been made redundant and my plan was to go off travelling to India. He knew this from early on and even tho I had said, come out and have a holiday with me he had always said it wouldn't be possible. 

So, I had been in India for 3 weeks and he emails me saying can he come and visit me for 3 weeks.  Well, I was over the moon and said yes that would be lovely! So I book a flight back from where I was to the ashram he wante to visit, booked a lovely hotel and booked him a taxi from the airport. To do this, I needed his flight details to give to the taxi driver. He was procrastinating about this but eventually he sent them to me. But it was a completely different name from the name he had given me! His rationale for this was that a few years ago he had met a woman who had ended up being a bit of a stalker and as he had quite a high profile job, when he met women on this NSA website he had used a false name in case it happened again. But then he said, and there's more... What could that be I wondered? Obviously it had to be another woman, but I really didn't think it would be that he was still married as he had categorically told me he had been divorced for 3 years. 

It took him a few days but eventually he admitted that yes he was actually still married!! But that it was loveless, sexless, that all she did was walk the dog and do crosswords and that being with me had brought him alive again.  His rationale for not telling me was that if he had told me initially them I wouldn't have started seeing him in the first place ( true) and because he thought it was only ever going to be a short term fling that he didn't need to tell me and didn't realize that he would end up falling for me...! Furthermore he said he wanted to come out to India to see if there was any chance that we could be something more than NSA...

I didn't know what to do, I was shocked, wanted to believe him as I adored him but felt angry at being deceived and very wary and cautious.  I had also booked all these arrangements to go to see him and he had already booked his flight. So, what to do? I decided I wanted to hear his reasons face to face and that even if it didn't work out, we would have a lovely time for a few weeks together and then that would be it. 

So I met him, we had 3 amazing weeks together and by the end of it we both admitted we were in love with each other. I said to him, please work out your marital problems before considering a relationship with me but he said at the end of the holiday that he saw his future with me and wanted to end his marriage to be with me. A day after he got back to the UK he told me that he had told his wife which I was totally shocked at as I didn't think he would have the balls to do that!

But weirdly she ( according to him) seemed to accept it. She didn't want a divorce and she accepted the fact that her own behaviour had contributed to him having an affair...! So I carried on travelling round India for the next 2 and a half months, we texted, emailed or spoke every single day during that time and he constantly told me how much he loved/ missed me all the time. He said he wasn't having sex with his wife and one time he sent me a photo of him in his garden, taken by his wife as apparently she thought it would be nice for me to see a photo of him..!!! ( swear I am not making this up, it didn't make sense to me either...)

So, he had said that when I came back to the Uk I could stay in his flat (I had had to give up my place in order to travel for 4 months) and so that was what I was expecting when I came back. However the week before I was due back he started backtracking, saying that he didn't want to feel 'trapped' and that most weekends he wouldn't be there and that on x date I couldn't stay there as they would be going to the Chelses flower show and on that date they would be going to the proms/ jubilee etc ( this when apparently in the last 3 years his wife had only come up to his flat in town 3 times...). So huge red flags and was tempted to end it then and there but had nowhere else to go and it had only been a week before he was telling me how much he missed me etc...

So as soon as I saw him at the airport I knew things had changed. Just the look in his eyes, evasive, anxious, couldn't hold my gaze. Unfortunately I was really ill, I had already lost 2 stone in India through constant stomach bugs and was suffering with severe diorrhea, a bladder infection and dehydration and all I wanted to do was rest. Was really not up for conflict or a deep conversation ending in it finishing. ( also to add, the only other place I had to go and stay was with my abusive father who was now suffering with dementia, in a very deprived city in the north, a v depressing prospect) 

So I stayed with him the next 6 weeks. The first 3 weeks he would go home at weekends, the last 3 weeks he wasn't there at all! Reasons were, diy needed doing, son was going to be home, builders round etc.  So eventually I realised that he was a bloody cake eater, that while I had been in India, he and his wife had repaired their marriage and that although he didn't want to lose me ( and the sex) he was not going to leave his wife. So I left.  Packed up my stuff day before he was due to come back, wrote him an email and went.

To my shame, 6 weeks later I went back to him after endless emails about how much he loved me, thought about me constantly, couldn't live without me etc. I had never have someone say those kinds of things to me before, felt flattered, wanted to believe him, even met his wife on 3 occasions to see if we could work it so we could both see him! ( weirdly she didn't resent me and didn't want me to stop seeing him as he had been so awful to be around when I had ended it before...)

There is so so much more I could write but I've written to much already.  Suffice it to say I finally ended if for good ( after 9 attempts) on 1st Jan as I knew it was destrying me, as he would say one thing and do another, lied, told me he had been unfaithful throughout the whole of his 27 year marriage, never prioritise me, didn't come see me on my bday even tho I was only ten mins away... And so many other things...

So new years eve I was so miserable I decided I had to end it as I knew if I didn't I could be in exactly the same situation in a years time and I didn't want that. So I ended it, it was so hard, was like a bereavement as I did truly love him. Jan was awful but I do feel better than I was.  Only thing is I feel this overwhelming anger towards him for lying and letting me down and for wasting so much of my life. I also feel really weak and stupid for believing him and terrible for adding to the betrayal of another woman, something I never ever thought I would do. I feel quite vengeful towards him as he has got away with everything and deeply hurt 2 women he claims to love. 

I am writing this to maybe get other people's perspective on this and how I can get over this, but also to say that married men LIE!! And lie and lie. So to all you women who ( understandably) hate the ow, they will have been told so many lies about the wife and the marriage that they can be victims in all this too...

Portofino Tue 23-Apr-13 09:11:12

shock

Just coz you are a total sucker, doesn't exonerate you from the fact that you carried on once you knew he was married. That old shite about sexless marriage/together for the kids bull .... I really can't believe women fall for it! He was off limits, married to someone else and you should have backed off.

He is clearly a complete creep, you should perhaps work on your self esteem before you embark on another 'relationship'.

Since when was it okay to call a woman a slut on MN? hmm

OP has obviously made mistakes, definitely when she carried on with the relationship but calling her names is not going to change what has happened.

I can't believe I am going to say this but I think some posters on here need to take a trip to the feminist section!

littlecrystal Tue 23-Apr-13 09:30:31

I feel sorry for OP too. She does sound young and naïve, but that’s the beauty of a human being. I am personally not that young but my first instinct is to believe people’s good intentions and accept that people do make mistakes, but the good comes out when they learn them. However that man was absolutely abysmal and I wished, when reading, that the story had ended as soon as OP found out he was married. I hope OP has learnt her mistake. That man, however, is hopeless. Unfortunately there are many men like that... actually I have met several women who thought their husbands were fantastic, trustworthy, honest, but it all ended when they found they had affairs.. And this is very, very sad.

QueenofWhispers Tue 23-Apr-13 09:35:04

so you met my dad, eh?

i don't know why my mother still stays with him.

x

blueshoes Tue 23-Apr-13 09:36:32

If what you describe is true, this looks like a situation whereby the man really could have had his cake and eat it since his wife is apparently co-operative. He would have been in the sweet spot with his wife and you but he still hemmed and hawed and see-sawed and flip-flopped.

I think you have to accept that whilst he had feelings for you, it was not enough for him to commit to just you. He wants to continue to see other women on the side in his shagpad, is my guess, since he has form for this all his marriage.

The conditions were right for you as OW to be part of his life yet he did not bite. I think that is what hurts you the most about his lies.

Well, that is a cad for you. A total timewaster. You are older and wiser and have (hopefully) not lost too much time on him. The odds are stacked against you as OW, it would be good to bear that in mind going forward, lies or not.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 23-Apr-13 09:50:22

If this is chick-lit OP needs a good proof-reader.

And everyone lies. He doesn't sound like a good one. So what does that make you? Gullible? Deluded? Or were you colluding in the lies?

Tbh I don't care. It's a grubby little story and I feel for the wife. If she's real.

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 12:01:07

I think some people are very naive about the type of marriages excepted by some wives for the MONEY and/or social status that a wealthy H provides, especially when they have kids and a glam social life as a couple, sounds exactly the case with this couple. there are LOTS of such marriages where money is involved, and wives are literally happy to make a deal. She gets the lifestyle and the kids who then go to private schools etc, while she agrees to turn the blind eye, she doesn't usually need sex from him, or possibly has her own bits on the side. It's an arrangement where they get on on practical level, almost like good colleagues. In these situations it's definitely the OW who is the victim, and if she's a normal person, makes her question the sanity of the world or her own, in these screwed up situations, while the couple think all is as it should be. His wife tolerates all these affairs, so no surprise she was fine with meeting OW, to her it's 'so what'.

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 12:01:58

accepted (first sentence), not excepted!

AnyFucker Tue 23-Apr-13 12:09:52

I don't understand why you are posting

Do you think women on the relationships board whose husbands have had affairs need to have it pointed out that some married men lie ?

It's not rocket science

it could be science fiction though

ohforfoxsake Tue 23-Apr-13 12:11:16

I read your OP.

Sorry, but you aren't telling us anything we don't already know - just look at the threads in Relationships.

I don't have much compassion or empathy for you coming on here and telling us your tale. A shit relationship, you got out of it. It happens.

Sorry but I can't fathom out why you think we need to know. It's hardly a revelation. You aren't looking for advice. And I don't really care if I'm honest.

ohforfoxsake Tue 23-Apr-13 12:15:49

Far too many 'sorry's in my post.

Shouldn't be any as I really don't care.

Leavenheath Tue 23-Apr-13 12:34:31

When you read allofaflutter's posts, you can see why these very silly women believe what they want to believe can't you?

There's nothing in the OP's long, tedious ramble to suggest this prick's wife doesn't work and have her own career, yet another poster has written a caricature based on stereotypes about a woman who was willing to accept infidelity in exchange for a nice lifestyle - and infers that posters are "naive" for not realising that there are a lot of women and marriages like that.

As long as there are idiots who believe that Real Women really do nothing but crosswords and dog-walking every day but hate sex, shitty men like this one will get away with it every time. Some women just hate other women and see life as one big competition to show who's "better". They just lap up these stories about women's faults.

Whoever said the feminist section was required reading was right.

Destinysdaughter Tue 23-Apr-13 12:39:12

I was trying to say that mm who have affairs don't only lie, minimise and let down their wives they do it to the women they meet to, to get them hooked in. He admitted he didn't tell me he was still married as he knew I wouldn't have had anything to do with him if i'd known. And ironically I didn't ' destroy their marriage', it actually got a lot better as a result, they started communicating honestly about what had gone wrong in their relationship, she lost weight, got interested in him sexually again, they stopped taking each other for granted, had romantic weekends away, holidays etc. It was a catalyst for both of them to decide what they really wanted and if he hadn't have had the relationship with me their marriage may well have ended as it was in a pretty poor state. I feel pretty used tbh. Not going to post any more

classifiedinformation Tue 23-Apr-13 12:39:14

Yes OP, you have now learnt that you cannot post on the relationships board unless your other half has had an affair, abused you or you have the moral high ground! Your character will be assassinated (usually by the same small group of posters) even though they don't know you and you will be sent on your way with your head hung in shame.

Sorry that this happened to you (and the wife) and wish you all the best in the future.

rubyrubyruby Tue 23-Apr-13 12:44:01

Oh - so you thought that he was capable of lying to someone else but would never lie to you?

allaflutter I disagree - I don't think wives of very wealthy men stay because of the money at all. They may have any number of reasons for putting up with it but I'm not sure money is the incentive. Under UK divorce law they tend to actually be better off divorced than married. They stand to get at least half the assets, child maintenance and spousal maintenance, and what is more they actually have control over how this money is spent. Wealthy husbands are pretty good at controlling how the majority of family money is spent.

On the other hand ow seem to be very motivated by money. It is no coincidence that it is the senior (wealthy) partners and executives in the city who shack up with some (much younger) girl from the office. Such women rarely fall at the feet of the tea boy hmm

posypoppy Tue 23-Apr-13 12:48:54

Op - i suggest you read my post from a few days ago, and yes i do have been flamed, fine i expected it. But like you i can see what i did and the mistakes and looked for support in trying to do the right thing, which if you want to siton your moral high horse all day from the santury of your own perfect marriage and call us naive, and stupid and young and sluts...well go right ahead. But I know that i am not young or stupid and i dont suppose the Op is either. People get into all sorts of situations , sometimes emotions blindside us,
please private message me if you want support, several people have and have been amazing. I am on day 3 of no contact and it hurts like hell. i know how you feel, and to all the preaching posters if you havent ever done something stupid in the throes of passion....well bully for you

Lueji Tue 23-Apr-13 12:57:49

Not going to quote the latest OP's post, but:
grin
hmm
biscuit

AnyFucker Tue 23-Apr-13 12:58:34

Oh, ok.

You did their marriage a favour, after all ?

That's ok then

Leavenheath Tue 23-Apr-13 13:00:48

Nah I think everyone's got it in them to stupid things when lust is involved. What I take issue with are the ones who try to make out that they are victims of men lying to them. It suits them just fine when the man's lying to some other poor sucker, insanely it even suits some of them when he's lying to them shock but what really makes them angry is when a man won't dump his wife in favour of them. That's when they suddenly get all judgey about lies and how terrible they are. hmm

Lueji Tue 23-Apr-13 13:03:20

And then post in forums as if they had just discovered the cure for cancer.

Leavenheath Tue 23-Apr-13 13:09:40

grin Too right Lueji!

ScrambledSmegs Tue 23-Apr-13 13:23:53

Wow. So you saved their marriage? How kind of you.

posypoppy Tue 23-Apr-13 13:49:53

so all of you who think the OP and similar should be judged for being angry over being let down by someone they loved , wether that was right or wrong , have you never been let down , disappointed, realised this and felt angry the other person ?
That is a very normal emotion to feel, the OP feels let down and disappointed , she was led on by a man who originally painted himself in a different situation to what was real. and i would imagine that the realisation of the truth came slowly and painfully...love is in indeed blind sometimes ( and cruel, and heartless and wrong ) but really i am stunned by the lack of compassion for another human being, who has made a mistake....
My OM lied to me and lied to his wife...and i should never ever have done what i did, and i accept and understand that....but it really doesnt stop me being hurt and angry.
People ( men and women) in these situations find that their beliefs and assumptions in someone or a relationship suddenly collide with reality and it can be difficult to deal with the emotions that produce. Anger being one of them.
I cannot understand how most of you feel you have never made a mistake or done something stupid or been duped by someone.

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