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Married men lie!

(75 Posts)
Destinysdaughter Tue 23-Apr-13 01:24:18

Not sure if I will get any compassionate responses on here but having read so many wise posts on here from women who have given their support to others I thought I would give it a go. But totally expect to get flamed for this. So, 22 months ago I met a man on the Internet who told me when we first met that he had been divorced for 3 years. When I was at his flat it was obvious he lived there alone, it was a one bedroom flat with no sign of a woman being there. We saw each other for 6 months on an NSA basis, always during the week, at weekends he was always staying with friends or seeing his adult kids even tho they still lived with his wife. We had long conversations about why his marriage had ended ( grew apart, lack of sex etc) and I had no reason to disbelieve him

However over time I realised I was falling for him. Is not what you are supposed to do when it is just NSA and I never had the confidence to tell him. I had been made redundant and my plan was to go off travelling to India. He knew this from early on and even tho I had said, come out and have a holiday with me he had always said it wouldn't be possible. 

So, I had been in India for 3 weeks and he emails me saying can he come and visit me for 3 weeks.  Well, I was over the moon and said yes that would be lovely! So I book a flight back from where I was to the ashram he wante to visit, booked a lovely hotel and booked him a taxi from the airport. To do this, I needed his flight details to give to the taxi driver. He was procrastinating about this but eventually he sent them to me. But it was a completely different name from the name he had given me! His rationale for this was that a few years ago he had met a woman who had ended up being a bit of a stalker and as he had quite a high profile job, when he met women on this NSA website he had used a false name in case it happened again. But then he said, and there's more... What could that be I wondered? Obviously it had to be another woman, but I really didn't think it would be that he was still married as he had categorically told me he had been divorced for 3 years. 

It took him a few days but eventually he admitted that yes he was actually still married!! But that it was loveless, sexless, that all she did was walk the dog and do crosswords and that being with me had brought him alive again.  His rationale for not telling me was that if he had told me initially them I wouldn't have started seeing him in the first place ( true) and because he thought it was only ever going to be a short term fling that he didn't need to tell me and didn't realize that he would end up falling for me...! Furthermore he said he wanted to come out to India to see if there was any chance that we could be something more than NSA...

I didn't know what to do, I was shocked, wanted to believe him as I adored him but felt angry at being deceived and very wary and cautious.  I had also booked all these arrangements to go to see him and he had already booked his flight. So, what to do? I decided I wanted to hear his reasons face to face and that even if it didn't work out, we would have a lovely time for a few weeks together and then that would be it. 

So I met him, we had 3 amazing weeks together and by the end of it we both admitted we were in love with each other. I said to him, please work out your marital problems before considering a relationship with me but he said at the end of the holiday that he saw his future with me and wanted to end his marriage to be with me. A day after he got back to the UK he told me that he had told his wife which I was totally shocked at as I didn't think he would have the balls to do that!

But weirdly she ( according to him) seemed to accept it. She didn't want a divorce and she accepted the fact that her own behaviour had contributed to him having an affair...! So I carried on travelling round India for the next 2 and a half months, we texted, emailed or spoke every single day during that time and he constantly told me how much he loved/ missed me all the time. He said he wasn't having sex with his wife and one time he sent me a photo of him in his garden, taken by his wife as apparently she thought it would be nice for me to see a photo of him..!!! ( swear I am not making this up, it didn't make sense to me either...)

So, he had said that when I came back to the Uk I could stay in his flat (I had had to give up my place in order to travel for 4 months) and so that was what I was expecting when I came back. However the week before I was due back he started backtracking, saying that he didn't want to feel 'trapped' and that most weekends he wouldn't be there and that on x date I couldn't stay there as they would be going to the Chelses flower show and on that date they would be going to the proms/ jubilee etc ( this when apparently in the last 3 years his wife had only come up to his flat in town 3 times...). So huge red flags and was tempted to end it then and there but had nowhere else to go and it had only been a week before he was telling me how much he missed me etc...

So as soon as I saw him at the airport I knew things had changed. Just the look in his eyes, evasive, anxious, couldn't hold my gaze. Unfortunately I was really ill, I had already lost 2 stone in India through constant stomach bugs and was suffering with severe diorrhea, a bladder infection and dehydration and all I wanted to do was rest. Was really not up for conflict or a deep conversation ending in it finishing. ( also to add, the only other place I had to go and stay was with my abusive father who was now suffering with dementia, in a very deprived city in the north, a v depressing prospect) 

So I stayed with him the next 6 weeks. The first 3 weeks he would go home at weekends, the last 3 weeks he wasn't there at all! Reasons were, diy needed doing, son was going to be home, builders round etc.  So eventually I realised that he was a bloody cake eater, that while I had been in India, he and his wife had repaired their marriage and that although he didn't want to lose me ( and the sex) he was not going to leave his wife. So I left.  Packed up my stuff day before he was due to come back, wrote him an email and went.

To my shame, 6 weeks later I went back to him after endless emails about how much he loved me, thought about me constantly, couldn't live without me etc. I had never have someone say those kinds of things to me before, felt flattered, wanted to believe him, even met his wife on 3 occasions to see if we could work it so we could both see him! ( weirdly she didn't resent me and didn't want me to stop seeing him as he had been so awful to be around when I had ended it before...)

There is so so much more I could write but I've written to much already.  Suffice it to say I finally ended if for good ( after 9 attempts) on 1st Jan as I knew it was destrying me, as he would say one thing and do another, lied, told me he had been unfaithful throughout the whole of his 27 year marriage, never prioritise me, didn't come see me on my bday even tho I was only ten mins away... And so many other things...

So new years eve I was so miserable I decided I had to end it as I knew if I didn't I could be in exactly the same situation in a years time and I didn't want that. So I ended it, it was so hard, was like a bereavement as I did truly love him. Jan was awful but I do feel better than I was.  Only thing is I feel this overwhelming anger towards him for lying and letting me down and for wasting so much of my life. I also feel really weak and stupid for believing him and terrible for adding to the betrayal of another woman, something I never ever thought I would do. I feel quite vengeful towards him as he has got away with everything and deeply hurt 2 women he claims to love. 

I am writing this to maybe get other people's perspective on this and how I can get over this, but also to say that married men LIE!! And lie and lie. So to all you women who ( understandably) hate the ow, they will have been told so many lies about the wife and the marriage that they can be victims in all this too...

LuisGarcia Tue 23-Apr-13 02:02:07

married men angry

jaywall Tue 23-Apr-13 03:35:53

Some people can say anything to get what they want, this is not exclusive to married men.

jaywall Tue 23-Apr-13 03:36:26

I'm sorry for your troubles.

Leavenheath Tue 23-Apr-13 03:38:31

Yeah right - and women who believe them are stupid or like to pretend they are, what's your point?

If this guy had dumped his wife for you once you knew he was married, you'd have overlooked all his lies to you and especially his lies to her, so quit with the attempt to extract any sympathy.

I especially cringed at this bit:

she accepted the fact that her own behaviour had contributed to him having an affair...!

Quite frankly, you should have been shot at dawn for swallowing that pile of tripe alone.

Mosman Tue 23-Apr-13 03:45:57

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Shinigami Tue 23-Apr-13 04:17:43

I'm sorry you're going through this but you stayed with him knowing he was was married. No good can come of it I'm afraid.

Salbertina Tue 23-Apr-13 05:40:32

Am sorry for your suffering also,
Op. You sound heartbroken and deserve more, as does his wife.

I think you're not going to get much constructive support on here tho - too many hurt wives/exes who've suffered through partners' affairs.

Good luck in disentangling fully from life with this selfish man and get as much help as you can.

TheFallenNinja Tue 23-Apr-13 05:43:08

Not all of them. Stupid statement.

jayho Tue 23-Apr-13 06:05:42

You were fine up to the point where you carried on with the meeting in India 'because I had booked all these arrangements'. I know, it's almost impossible not to shag a married man once you have travel arrangements in place.

skaboy Tue 23-Apr-13 07:17:57

Married women (some of them) also lie

Distrustinggirlnow Tue 23-Apr-13 07:23:58

What Mosman says ^^

Are you saying that you didn't know his name...??

History for NSA websites, shag pad in the city, high profile job in finance I expect

Shakes head in disbelief

Lueji Tue 23-Apr-13 07:27:58

Everyone lies. grin

exoticfruits Tue 23-Apr-13 07:36:54

Some people lie, always have and always will and it has nothing to do with gender. It doesn't mean that everyone does.
You have had a dreadful experience, you fell in love and ignored all the warning signs because you didn't want to see them.
There are several times in the story that it should have ended- you ignored your instincts. He wasn't even a good liar.
It is hard now, it is a bereavement losing 'what might of been'. Be kind to yourself, use it as a learning experience and next time be more wary and finish when your instinct tells you rather than place hope over experience.
Hopefully, one day, you will look back on it as a lucky escape.

SmileAndPeopleSmileWithYou Tue 23-Apr-13 07:45:46

What a ridiculous statement to make.

"Married men lie" is about as sensible as the decision Samantha Brick made to say "Women hate me because I'm beautiful".

Salbertina Tue 23-Apr-13 07:53:59

Think Exotic is giving some v wise & kind advice.

Locketjuice Tue 23-Apr-13 08:02:42

I think this is all bullshit smile

bleedingheart Tue 23-Apr-13 08:04:35

He is an utter shit but you knew that already. Really, I had sympathy until you decided to go ahead with the holiday. You met his wife? WTF? Did you have any respect for her at all?
I think you really need to get over the anger you feel at yourself for being duped by him and work on why your self esteem is so low you felt you could share him.
Of course not all married men lie, they aren't all unfaithful cowards either.
The 'deprived Northern town' might not have hotshot bankers with shagpads but maybe you could spend done time there incognito to brood and learn. Get some distance somewhere.

bleedingheart Tue 23-Apr-13 08:05:49

*some time

It does sound like chick lit but nothing surprises me anymore

ExcuseTypos Tue 23-Apr-13 08:16:31

You sound very young and naive.

I'm sorry you have been lied to and hurt, however you knew he was lying and you carried on with the relationship. That was your mistake.

And not all married men lie, many are loyal, faithful and loving.

Lucylloyd13 Tue 23-Apr-13 08:21:22

I understand your angst.

But it strikes me that this is as much about a failed relationship as the deceit of married men.

So you met a man on the internet who wanted NSA, and he turned out to be a lying cheating ar5ehole... and you are surprised????

You decided to carry on a relationship with a man who thought it ok to have his wife and mistress meet, as obviously he was such a catch two women would want him????

I'm a bit stunned tbh. If this story is for real ( which I doubt) I'd say you've had a valuable lesson in the sad reality of life, and will come out of this a much more streetwise person.

Btw I am someone who is in the main sympathetic to ow, as they are largely treated as badly as the wife in the end. It's the men who are to blame.

Mosman Tue 23-Apr-13 08:48:54

It never ceases to amaze me, my ex looks like a mole - literally - is short balding and slightly over weight, was unemployed at the time and yet some 28 year old PHd student managed to find herself with his dick in her mouth after she'd paid half towards the hotel room (WTF???) and then when it all came out, was quite upset about the whole thing apparently.
How do these morons get through their day to day lives ? I know common sense isn't that common but honestly ?

VitoCorleone Italy Tue 23-Apr-13 08:58:39

What a load of baloney. You met his wife, she admitted she played part in him having an affair, you where trying to work out how you could both keep seeing him.

You must be very very gulliable.

meditrina Tue 23-Apr-13 09:06:33

I have some sympathy for you, OP, because he was able to portray himself as available in the early stages and was honest about NSA.

But when it became clear that he wsn't available, and that his capacity for deception was huge (even by cheater's (lackof) standards), then that was the point at which the relationship should have ended.

I'm glad you eventually got yourself out. And I hope you have learned from this, so that if you ever find yourself deceived again, you will have a clearer idea of what you need to do to avoid protracted misery.

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