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Help - agreed to something stupid re DH

(11 Posts)
ChangingWoman Mon 22-Apr-13 06:42:00

I've been an idiot. After being messed around for years while he claimed he was moving out, then messed around over contact with DC (because I unwisely initially allowed it to take place in my house), and messed around infinitely over money (spending mine while he was here and now failing to pay maintenance), I thought I'd finally managed to set some boundaries with his move to a different town.

After my 4 yo spoke to him by phone at the weekend, she handed the phone to me. (He was meant to be coming to see her but apparently felt unwell and cancelled.) We were still in bed and I was half asleep.

To cut a long story short, he asked if he could stay overnight next weekend and somehow I agreed. I don't want him here abd don't know why I said it.

He owes me money, is a lazy, drunken liar and I will probably need to take legal action against him for breaking the consent order. I don't want this man sleeping under my roof and would probably spend the night elsewhere if he did.

Thinking back, he even had the nerve to frame it as helping me out by "looking after" his own child while I got some work done from home...

So I have to undo this and am planning to send a text along yhe following lines:

It was wrong of me to agree that you could stay over here on xxxxx night. It will only be confusing for DD and isn't good for you or I. Please don't make this request again. If you want to stay in Xxxxxtown overnight, book yourself into one of the hostels or b&bs nearby.

Is this sufficient?

There's a lot of other things I'd like to say about his legal and moral obligations to his child but he clearly doesn't care and I don't want to sound confused.

ChangingWoman Mon 22-Apr-13 06:44:32

(Stupid phone and fingers - should obviously have been exH not DH.)

You sound too nice/apologetic in this text. I would probably say:

Unfortunately you can't stay next weekend. My plans have changed. There are many hotels blah blah. See you then.

I wouldn't even say unfortunately.

"It is no longer possible for you to stay next weekend. You will have to make alternative arrangements"

No sorry. No please. No giving him hotel names or telling him about B&Bs. He's a big boy let him sort it out.

Freddie's right!

Yamyoid Mon 22-Apr-13 06:57:57

Freddie's sounds good, makes it sound like you mean it and he's less likely to think you can be persuaded.

If you say "please" you're asking his permission most. And if you say " you can stay in a b&b" then his next line will be " what ones where are they"

It's not up to you to provide him with solutions.

(I have years of dealing with my exh - this way is all that works and he understands )

MummaBubba123 Mon 22-Apr-13 07:09:13

Perhaps say as Freddie advised, but instead if quoting 'next weekend' just say '... Not possible to stay in my house...'

ChangingWoman Thu 25-Apr-13 22:41:37

Thanks for all the advice. I redrafted several times in line with this, worried a lot, lost some sleep and eventually became very cross that he'd managed to occupy so much of my time and energy this week.

Then he phoned to confirm times and I just told him by phone. Can't even remember exactly what I said but am confident that I made it clear that it was a general "no" rather than just a specific one for this weekend. Glad it's done. He didn't even seem that bothered (gives him another free evening, I guess).

MummaBubba123 Thu 25-Apr-13 23:04:08

Perfect!
Hope you get more sleep tonight!
Xx

Well done changing!

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