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I think I'm going to tell DH its over tomorrow morning

(81 Posts)
BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 03:06:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety Mon 22-Apr-13 15:01:24

Your unhappiness, your complaints to him, your fear, your threats to leave -- he thinks you are game playing too. As long as you say things like 'I am going to do X (leave with baby) until you do Y (go to AA and stay sober for 6 months)' he knows he still has you engaged and he will not stop playing his game. Don't make an ultimatum until you have your own fallback position in place. That way you can follow through and he will be left with the ball in his court.

Your detail about how you have sought to manage his abuse of alcohol (keeping him sleeping on the couch, etc) and manage the dangerous situation that occurs when he drinks tell me that you have already started to get into this above your head and have started to grasp at the illusion of control like a drowning person grasps a straw. I sense you are not at all ready to get off this merry go round yet but you need to start thinking seriously about it. By getting off the merry go round I mean taking steps to effect a separation and not just talking about it. Before that happens you need to acknowledge that you can't control him or his drinking. I don't think you're in denial about how serious all of this is, but I do think you have the false optimism that comes from thinking you can control this.

You can't control his drinking and I do not think you will get anywhere with telling him to go to AA. He is playing a game with alcohol here too and he thinks he is the master of it. He will not be willing to accept on any level that he has a problem, either with abuse of you or with abuse of alcohol. He may well go through the motions with you pushing him every inch and him getting the odd bit of fun from seeing how many times he can fall off the wagon before you finally kick him out. He is getting some sort of kick out of control and playing a high risk game.

You need to be deliberate about this and you need to plan methodically but fast. Ask the police about help and support that might be available to you and ask them about whether you can leave given there is domestic violence at play here. (That is why it is important to log the incidents and important for you to call if he comes home drunk and threatening).

mathanxiety Mon 22-Apr-13 14:43:24

Betsy, you need to go to the polizei and make a formal complaint.

You also need to change your username and remember to log out every time when you use MN.

He remembers everything and was together enough to read your thread.

This is a cunning and violent man you are dealing with. Your relationship is a game to him. He wants to win this game. Your welfare and the baby's welfare mean nothing to him. Please go and make that formal complaint while he is out.

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 14:35:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 22-Apr-13 14:26:16

Good luck OP.

toffeelolly Mon 22-Apr-13 14:20:23

Good luck.

schobe Mon 22-Apr-13 14:18:50

Yes and if he doesn't stop drinking ENTIRELY (provided this is agreed with doctors etc) during the separation, then your answer is right there. This needs to be crystal clear with him. Then no second chances if/when he drinks.

Sadly, he probably will pick up a drink but you never know.

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 14:09:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 14:06:27

That sounds like a great plan. Be prepared for him to up the ante. Give yourself some space. You deserve better than this.

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 14:04:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 14:01:25

So to be clear Betsy - same old same old from him, and there there dear you'll get over it from MIL. I think that tells you exactly where you stand. You cannot depend on PILs to help you. He will do this again and again. Please start to get your ducks in a row. Legal advice. Documents. Emergency cash. You have a medium term plan, make sure you have an emergency plan too. If nothing more, I would advise you have some space away from him to you can see things more clearly. Can you plan a month away when you are due to visit UK? You need some thinking space x

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 13:05:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Mon 22-Apr-13 12:59:22

He's lying about not remembering. My husband used to claim not to remember. It's bollocks. As for he can change/we can work it out - also bollocks. If he wanted not to behave like this, he could. The tears/self pity/promises of reform are just part of the cycle. I'm not saying these men necessarily do it on purpose but the behaviour pattern is always the same - and then it happens again.

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 12:46:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumsyblouse Mon 22-Apr-13 11:28:28

But- of course, as everyone has said you do need to seek legal advice about how to leave if he doesn't consent.

I wouldn't go to your inlaws, they will tell him, you will be persuaded to stay (they will fear losing their grandchild) or it will turn very nasty with him.

If you can bide your time til May and then return with your parents, I would do that, then you can look into how you can stay here permanently with their help (e.g. if you needed to return to this country for court hearings, they could help).

Think short term and long term, short term get away from him in the next month, long term how you can secure residency here.

Mumsyblouse Mon 22-Apr-13 11:21:27

If someone came into the room where my baby was, drunk, ranting and swearing, and started poking me (how physically aggressive has he been before) I would be out of there immediately. Just get out. He's frightening you and hurting you and even the presence of his newborn baby isn't stopping him.

I would look online to see what restrictions if any there are, then pack a bag and return to the UK. You are isolated with a tiny baby and an aggressive husband. If he stops drinking, moves to UK and behaves like a nice person, you can reconsider his role as a partner, but really you need to remove yourself before things escalate further.

You have not failed your daughter.

You sound like a wonderful, loving Mum.

Put YOURSELF first, he is a selfish immature alcoholic and I know what I'm talking about as my ex (who I have a DS with) was exactly the same, and similar age.

I left him last year, and I now live in peace and quiet.

Him jabbing you through the duvet and swearing and carrying on is unnacceptable.

I wish you the best, we are all here for you on MN thanks

Alfiepants Mon 22-Apr-13 10:28:24

Betsy such good advice here. Decide what you want. If you are happy your daughter will be happy. You ARE NOT failing her. You aren't responsible for this man, you are taking adult decisions to deal with it - he doesn't leave you much choice. Please try and find happiness in whatever you decide - you have friends in the UK and for now it might be easier to start again in a place where you have more people around you. <waves to Okiecokie and MrsFC> xx

okiecokie Mon 22-Apr-13 10:23:19

Bets there is a heap of excellent advice here and I suspect you know deep down what you need to do and are looking for some added reassurance. No one yet has said stay and try (again) to make a go of it. If things did have the potential to improve you would think that with a tiny baby that would be the time to see improvements but alas that has not happened.

You mention the job you have got - could you move closer to this and afford some childcare? Actually, deep down where do you want to be? Do you want to take the job and stay in that country? Or do you want to come back to the UK? I think it is time to think of what YOU want for you and your DD - you would not be failing her by leaving what has become a very volatile situation.

bleedingheart Mon 22-Apr-13 10:07:42

Please don't tell your in-laws what you have planned. You are, after all, moving their granddaughter away (for the right reasons), you would be surprised what parents will do for their grown sons and what they will tolerate. I strongly advise you against it. They have been supportive whilst you have stayed, this is different. Clear your Internet history too!

SilverSky Mon 22-Apr-13 08:55:42

<waves at FinallyMrsFC> grin

FinallyMrsFC Mon 22-Apr-13 08:41:08

Yes yes, what silver says <minion>. You've done everything you can, you've worked and worked, but nothing has changed. You said earlier that you weren't sure you'd ever loved him, but that his love was enough. I married my first husband for that reason. It wasn't enough. sad

Yes, contact your friend who is an hour away. I have a feeling she'll be a massive help smile

Being a single parent is ok too you know? It's really is x

SilverSky Mon 22-Apr-13 08:15:58

Betsy, I'm pretty sure we know each other. smile Do your research, don't do anything rash without thinking anything through, by that I mean legal rights before hot footing back to the UK. Talk to your friend grin who is an hour away as she will give good advice and get you out of the house for a few hours.

You have not failed DD one bit. It is him who has failed as a husband, father and everything else in between. I credit you for lasting as long as you have. I too would be planning a life without him in your shoes.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 22-Apr-13 08:12:55

Just caught up, all sounding v good and sensible.

Just wanted to pick up one point. Don't think he will change if he doesn't want to. In the UK he could easily find pub buddies.

Also, you know it's him, not the drink per se, that's the problem, though habit and addiction are problematic too. Most of us can drink too much now and then and just get a bit exuberant, giggly or sleepy, we don't get aggressive, because we aren't.

Oddsocksrus Mon 22-Apr-13 07:43:49

Leave, this happened to a close friend, she tried and tried to make it work for the sake of their son but the drinking and violence got worse and worse.
Their divorce is horrible and bitter, their son is damaged by years of a painful, anxious and violent atmosphere where he should have felt safest, with his parents.
Come home to your family, they will support you, it would be easier to get a job with their help with childcare and your friends network.

Find out about the border requirements, but in the short term find somewhere else to live to protect yourself and your daughter

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 22-Apr-13 07:33:16

Betsy, my advice is to do your research thoroughly, make sure you know the legal consequences/worst case scenarios of any actions you may take regarding leaving the country. Contact the equivalent of women's refuge and ensure your safety.

Tread carefully with what you say to IL's.

Best wishes

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