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Never been loved.....love too much

(4 Posts)
CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Apr-13 09:19:38

You might find this article useful... Are You Dating An Abuser. Particularly this passage.

If you've experienced multiple-victimization, please understand this: The problem is not that you attract only resentful, angry, or abusive suitors; it's that, by and large, you have not been receptive to the gentler, more respectful men you also attract. This is not due to your temperament or personality; it's a normal defensive reaction. After you've been hurt, of course you'll put up subtle barriers for self-protection. Non-abusive men will recognize and respect those barriers. For example, suppose that you work with someone who's attracted to you. But he senses that you're uncomfortable with his small gestures for more closeness. He will naturally back off and give you time to heal, or he'll settle for a non-romantic friendship. But a man who is likely to mistreat you will either not recognize your barriers or completely disregard them. He will continue to hit on you, until he breaks down the protective walls that surround your hungry heart.

The friends that have partners who tell them what to do and expect obedience probably ought to read it as well.

Lizzabadger Mon 22-Apr-13 06:34:37

I think perhaps you are not picking up on red flags early on in the relationships. There are some old posts around that say what to look out for.

It's really not compulsory to have a relationship though. As ouchmyhead says you are better off single than with someone who does not enhance your life.

I'd stop looking and put my energy into doing things I enjoy.

Ouchmyhead Mon 22-Apr-13 02:48:50

Didn't want to read and run, sounds like you've been through a rough time - and you are definitely being way to hard on yourself! You're not damaged goods, you've just had a few horrible men wear you down. Please don't feel embarrassed about your past, they should be the ones that feel embarrassed because of how they treated you. You should feel proud of yourself for getting through them situations and coming out stronger and re-building your life. You're clearly an independent woman, with your own wage and house and life; despite how you've been treated - you are obviously one lovely and brilliant lady!

As for meeting new men who deserve you, i don't really know what to suggest! Blind dates with friends DP/DH, evening classes, Internet dating sites (good ones, like Match, not weird ones!), work, going out for drinks. Someone will come along, who will love you and who you love and who treats you right. Always remember though you are better off single than with a man who abuses you, you're not dating because you NEED a man, you're dating (or looking to date) because you want a romantic relationship. You can do it, it will be different this time - all men are not dicks. Good luck and stay strong!

Sorryimhavingapityparty Sun 21-Apr-13 23:55:08

Title explains it all. I have had 6 Relationships in my life rangeing from 6 months to 5 years.

I give and give. And get nothing back. I'm currently single and having a contemplation pity party. I am thinking about past relationships and am embarrassed about the way they treated me. It's humiliating and I feel about 1 inch tall and completely stupid to have not seen them for what they were. I've been hit, called names, screamed at, controlled, belittled, forced into sex. And lets not forget the cocklodger.

I am pretty blunt, kind of intense due too my brain running 100 miles an hour and a little naive. I don't play games or lead people on, and expect other people to be the same. Then every time the bad things happen, I am shocked. I'm not stupid in life in general. But when it comes to men and relationships, I'm like a naive 14 year old. It still shocks me that they treated me the way they did, I would never even contemplate to do those things to people.

So why do I always attract them? Why can't a nice normal guy who will treat me with respect? I've had counselling and I feel alot better and now have boundaries and know what to look for and what I will/will not put up with. I just don't know how to meet people or have a normal flirtation/dating/relationship.

Am I broken? Damaged goods? Can they spot me a mile off? I am in the situation now where I am suspicious of all men and probably come across weird/rude because deep down I'm expecting them to be arseholes. I have a job, my own house and car, and look after my appearance. I am very independent and socialble but I have no idea about men at all!! One example is a few females friends of mine go through there partners phones regularly and tell them what to do, where they can go, who they can see ete and raise merry hell if their partners don't do as they say. I would never behave like this as I wouldn't like it done to me I've been there already. But this just seems to be the norm in my social circles. I'm pretty laid back and have even had a guy tell me 'my problem was I'm not the type of girl to get a guy under the thumb' because I'm so laid back!! hmm

Sorry it's long and whiney, I'm just so frustrated at the moment! If anyone has some kid words of wisdom I would appreciate them!!

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