Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Would you date someone with heart disease?

(63 Posts)
JuliaGulia Sun 21-Apr-13 21:43:40

Hi all,

I'm divorced with 2 young kids.

Is it short sighted to dismiss someone who had this condition or should I protect my children from the uncertainty of what may lie ahead?

He's a nice chap, prepared to consider life with me + my 2 kids and seems really keen on me. I like him a lot, we have a great time but I'm just weary of getting involved with someone with a life restricting condition. It's congenital so he's lived with it all his life but there's no cure.

He can't do any sport, must walk slowly and sometimes sleeps with oxygen at night. He also has clubbed fingers which sometimes people stare at but they don't bother me.

Any words of advice? This is my first date since divorcing so I feel a bit inexperienced!

Thanks.
JG.

happyfreeconfused Tue 23-Apr-13 08:28:17

I think you should grab a chance of happiness when you can. If you really like him and it's fun go for it. If it's heavy or intense or dull, call it a day as you would with or without the health issues.

Moominsarehippos Tue 23-Apr-13 09:20:19

I suppose if we were all rational beings we wouild take a good hard look at our potential partners...and run a mile!

You could be run ovwer tomorrow, oir live to a healthy 100. Life is too short to not try for happiness.

littlecrystal Tue 23-Apr-13 09:53:50

I would if the man was worth it. I would even have a naïve expectation that he would be more committed as he wouldn’t have the energy to lie, go for affairs or do stupid things in general.
However, OP you don’t sound that keen.

blueshoes Tue 23-Apr-13 09:56:15

I would not go for a man who was not prepared to totally lay his cards on the table in terms of telling you the extent of his medical condition.

I would suggest you ask him point blank. If he is cagey, it is as if he is tricking you into getting too emotionally involved to extricate yourself. Be very careful in that instance.

Lucylloyd13 Tue 23-Apr-13 10:20:33

I think this is less about his condition and more about this being an early date.

If you care for someone enough, then so long as they are alive, it can be worth it!

But when you are just returning to dating and working out what you do and dont want, then caution is wise.

xxdriftwoodxx Tue 23-Apr-13 15:05:14

Hi,
My son has a congenital heart condition, he is 27,. He won't get attached to anyone incase he is poorly and having his dad die at an early age after an accident this put him off more so.
From a mums point of view I am devasted that he won't share his life with someone , have fun, children and share his worries. Life is unpredictable, but this man deserves happiness and if he is anything like my son he will live life to the max!
If you are unsure though follow your doubts because I am sure he would rather you spent time with him because you wanted too, not out of pity.
It is a difficult one but I would hope one day my son funds someone he can share his life with , what ever it throws at them, instead of him being alone worried about burdening someone...just follow your heart xx

LondonJax Tue 23-Apr-13 16:15:54

As the mum of a 6 year old with a congenital heart defect, I'd be disappointed in him if he didn't tell a girlfriend about his heart defect and wasn't prepared to answer her questions. It's that bit I'm slightly concerned about. To me, it would seem as if something were being hidden. DS's condition is related to the valves and one in a thousand new borns have valve problems. So, by discussing it with a girlfriend, he'd be able to show her that she's actually got a pretty good chance of meeting someone who actually didn't know they had a 'dicky ticker' as we call it in our house. She could then weigh up the odds. I'd be encouraging him to take her along for his next check up so she could see what his issue could be and could speak to someone about it. We were told, when DS was born, that without his procedure he wouldn't live a month. He had the procedure, he's still with us. We were told he may lack energy - he was up on the dance floor until 1am when I celebrated my birthday recently! We were told he may need a new valve when he was 3, then when he started school...he's had no procedure since the one he had when he was a fortnight old. We were told he could get poorly if he caught a cold. He's had 2 days off school since he began Foundation in September 2011 (not last year, the year before). But a girlfriend wouldn't know this. She'd need to be reassured.

Put it another way, if your new man mentioned to you, at the start, that he couldn't get involved with someone who had children, would you hide them? Because you and everyone else knows that won't make the problem go away. He needs to let you discuss your fears. He's lived with this all the time. You're new to that life and he needs to respect your fears.

noddyholder Tue 23-Apr-13 16:55:40

This is sad for me to read esp for the children and the 27 yr old who may face this. I had kidney failure at 19 and had a transplant I met my then dp about 6 months later and we were together 6 years travelled the world etc and it was not the cause of our break up. I then met dp and we had ds and my transplant failed when ds was 2 and I had another when he was 4. After the 2nd transplant they discovered I had been born with a heart problem and we had to just accept it and keep going! They fiddles aroud with my drugs to get the right combination and now 13 yrs on I ma fairly stable. W ehave been together 21 years and in that time have sadly lost about 4 friends to various illnesses that they were diganosed with in their 30s and 40s. I believe in being honest from day one but in the years between aged 18 and now 47 things have progressed so much and continue to and I hope to be around for many years smile

weebarra Tue 23-Apr-13 20:43:23

Londonjax - couldn't have said it better myself. Where our DSs differ from the norm is that they had acute problems fron birth (DS2 had a coarctation of the aorta) and other issues which are relatively common but have just been picked up and monitored because of their rocky starts.
I hope to be able to educate my DS as to what his condition may mean and then he can do the same with whoever he wants to spend his life with.

Honsandrevels Tue 23-Apr-13 21:06:30

Op Maybe if you felt strongly enough about this man then his illness might not be a deciding factor in whether to pursue the relationship.

Noddy Did you have any help with helping ds understand the transplant? I had a liver transplant 8 years ago and all dd (4) knows is that I have scars on my tummy from a big operation. I'm not sure when/how to broach it.

noddyholder Tue 23-Apr-13 21:21:19

Well I had the first one may years before he was born. I had another when he was 6 and with that one he had seen me on dialysis and we explained it in very simple terms to him and he just accepted it. He is aware of my health issues but is 18 now and seems so far to accept it as part of me. I think it is easier when they are teens tbh or at least 10 for the actual facts as they can understand the different body parts and terminology by then. It is a hard one as you want to protect them from the pain of it all but also want to be honest.

noddyholder Tue 23-Apr-13 21:21:58

He was 6 not 4 as I said in previous post

Honsandrevels Tue 23-Apr-13 21:28:58

Thanks Noddy, that's helpful.

Sorry for butting in op.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now