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hit by dh and mum today.(71 Posts)
I am so desperate and confused and have no one in rl to talk to about this.
DH an I have a difficult relationship.
I can be agressive and goady.Hard to live with and emotionally complicated.
This morning in bed at 5.55 I complained when dd woke us up again.We had a huge row culminating in him grabbing my face and pushing down on me whilst lying down.He also held a blanket over my face.This sort of thing does not happen often, but he has done similar,I have been violent to him in the past.
By this afternoon we were on speaking terms at a family event.
My mother is too involved in our relationship.
After food they went outside and didnt reappear for more than an hour.I know they were talking about me/us.It made me very uncomfortable infront of rest of family.
I got so uncomfortable that I got my stuff together and said I was leaving.At the door, they were coming in.
I told them that I think is was bad form.She said she wanted to talk to me.
Iwas quite wound up and said no I was leaving.
She pushed me into a room , attacked me said I was ruining my marriage, pulled my hair so it came out in clumps, slapped and kicked me.I was trying to be quiet, so as not to let my children/ other family members know what was happening.
This is all so shameful.The only way I could stop her was by hitting back.I am crying as I write this.
I got out of the room and told dh we were leaving.Mother said she wanted to see the kids!??He stayed with them.I am at home lost and confused.
Please help me.
Why is your mother so over-invested in your staying in this marriage to the point where she physically attacks you if you upset your husband?
Is there cultural/religious pressure to keep quiet and make the best of it, so as not to shame the family?
'A good mother would protect you from a violent husband, not bully you into staying with him.'
I second that sentiment!
In the nicest possible way, are you all on crack? (aimed at people who call OP violent)
A grown woman was attacking her, violently and she had to hit her to get her off, that is a desperate situation not a violent person, being her mother makes absolutely no difference.
When I was 11 my mother cracked me around the head several times and caught my newly pierced ear in the process, the pain made me lash out and she received the biggest crack on her forehead, she never did it again, sometimes it needs to be done.
As for the person who suggested putting her kids in foster care, that is awful, she is a victim what an awful to say.
I second police action and leave now, a refuge? this is an awful situation.
oh yes, and i picked up a knife once.
Not to stab him, just because i thought he won't hit me if i have a knife.
Fecking prick knew it, and tried to wrestle it off me. I have never been so frightened in all my life. I really thought that if he got it, he would stab me.
But this could all be misinterpreted to look like i was the aggressive one.
I use to believe myself to be goady (antagonistic) and aggressive.
And i use to get absolutely furious with him hitting me. 'who the fuck do you think you are' sort of thing. And i would lash out too. Think flailing arms as he was hitting me.
I look back now with hindsight and see someone who was trying to verbally stick up for herself and attempting some self defence.
They all say that you push their buttons (goady, antagonistic, aggressive) and mine would tell people (and believe) that i was violent to him.
Please leave and have nothing to do with your mother. What right has your dh or your mother to be in cohorts about your relationships.
I'ts like they believe they are parenting you as a child.
I very much doubt you would regret leaving. I've yet to hear a woman who was in an abusive relationship and left, say they regret it.
And you are in a much worse position because you are in 2 abusive relationships
Every now and again, you get a thread that is even sadder than the normal abuse, cheat, liar threads, and this is one of them .
Holding your hand and hoping you will find the strength to leave.
You need help.
I agree that a visit to a DV unit would be a good start.
Unpicking this will not be easy, you are in an environment where violence is a solution. Short term, severing contact with your husband and mother is a huge ask.
All of you need to understand the alternatives for a long term solution. DV units are very good at identifying behaviour patterns, and how to make choices.
The good news is that very few of us are violent to the ones we love out of malice, it can happen because that is the only way of expressing felings. Learning alternatives is essential for all concerned, not least for your children.
I'm shocked by your story OP and hope you find help and safety with the authorities as others have recommended. If you have problems with volatility it's bound to be because you have been damaged as an individual. Brutality results in brutality and you have a golden opportunity here, not only to get help for yourself and get you away from these abusive people, but to break the cycle for your child/ren and stop them being brutalised by the people in their environment in turn.
I'm sure you think you love your mum. Don't worry. But she is a very nasty character and what she has done is literally criminal - assault. A good mother would protect you from a violent husband, not bully you into staying with him. Please don't repeat her terrible mistake. Protect your children.
Sounds awful, and none of it is your fault and you cannot be blamed. Your mother is a monster and shouldn't be near you or your dc. Your dh too. They feed off each other and that I find chilling.
Forget analysing your past for now as it will get in the way of leaving. It's clear if you give them any notice you will be in grave danger ( even more than now)
Call women's aid. Go to the police station so its on record, follow the advice here of the ladies who know and have been through it. Follow the advice of professionals. Of course you can't think straight and want it all to go away (again) by carrying on. Also, stop the counselling - is it joint? I think from other threads joint counselling where dv is involved is not recommended.
The presence of family visiting hasn't stopped your mother and dh, in fact, it can only escalate. It's not for you to pretend everything is ok for their sake.
Personally, I would pick up the dc and go straight to a refuge, or the police station. I wouldn't go home. I can see that might be hard for you as you are conditioned to think this behaviour is normal and its your fault- somehow you deserve it. You don't. The time for talking is past.
I'd be surprised if you weren't volatile, after a childhood like that, you poor thing.
you can get photos done by victim support if you do not want to go to the police.
As someone who suffered similar as a child you do need to break the cycle. your behaviour will be a result of your childhood and made.worse by dh's behaviour and attitude.
Get the help you need before history repeats.with your dc's. Being a sahm doesn't mean you should allow your life to continue on this way. You need to shed there abusive people from your life...they need to get help too but what is smportent are your children
Somehow I suspect you'll find yourself less volatile when you get rid of those people and surround yourself with normal, friendly and loving people.
It is no wonder you are volatile, you probably dont know what it is to have a 'normal' relationship with someone you love. I dont mean that to sound patronising.
Things need to be dealt with, and your DC will know something is wrong. Kids arent stupid. Please get you and them out of this situation.
I genuinely am very volatile.It is true.
No children witnessed this.DS is sick of the arguing and I am so tired.
you are not responsible for your childhood and how you were treated. But it is obviously affecting you as an adult. You really need help to get out of this horrendous situation.
Womens Aid will help you. Please call them. Your mum isnt your friend, or even a decent person. Your husband hits you and is validated by your mother. Both of them are enabling each others abuse of you.
I really hope you can leave this relationship/s with your DC and get the help and support that you need.
The people who are making a thing out of the OP calling herself goady, hard to live with, complicated, etc. etc. - please consider the fact that she thinks these things because she has been made to feel they are true, first by her own mother and then by partners (because I bet, OP, other men have treated you badly and told you you're those things you call yourself). Sorry, but it does wind me up when someone with obvious very low self-esteem, who has been treated like shit in a relationship, or possibly ever since childhood, calls themself negative things and posters replying don't stop to apply a tiny bit of perception to understand that these ideas abut herself are part and package of her abuse and most likely not actually true.
Also consider that even if she is goady, the responsibility for whatever response occurs as a result lies 100% with the person reacting, not the person goading.
OP, you have been treated appallingly. Your mother had no right to do that to you as a child, and she certainly has no right to do it now you are an adult. And what your Oh did to you was terrifying; any abuse that involves even the smallest risk of suffocation and choking, which you suffered, is considered very serious abuse and a massive red flag to experts. I'm also very concerned that from your description, that your DD witnessed this? You know how being part of a family where abuse occured has left you self-hating and tolerating being abused? That's her future too, if you continue to tolerate it.
You need to ring Women's Aid. You are in a horrible situation and need a fresh start with your DD well away from these terrible, violent people.
They will give you support long term and get you back on your feet.
Good luck,i hope you get yourself some help.
And keep a record.
I would just like to add how touched and surprised I am your (99%) kindness and insight.
Stay angry, Trouble
Print out and re-read Hissy and Lueji's posts
Keep them with you
Those who don't understand (fair enough) or have made cowardly prissy little comments (words can't describe) - accept that you have the great fortune not to understand the dynamic of these kinds of relationships
Anger can be good.
But don't take it on your mother, just use it to find the strength to remove yourself and your DC from this unhealthy environment.
As they say, don't get mad...
By walking away you remove their power over you.
Stay safe and strong.
Thanks to all for taking the time to respond.I am grateful and have a lot to think about.Have read trauma bonding link and it resonates.
I could ask dh to leave for a few days and give me space.
I have family visiting from abroad.This is a big trip for them and I do not want to ruin it with this situation.I will be civil to dm over the next few days.The more I think about it and reflect on my childhood, the angrier I feel.
You have been raised by a violent mother, and this has screwed with your head, associating love and violence together. This may well have influenced your choice of partner, since you have ended up with a violent husband. Their 'ganging up on you' is probably deliberate on their parts - by colluding with each other, they reassure themselves that they are normal, and lay all the blame for what happens at your door.
You need to get away from both of them, and you need to get your DC away from them.
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