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I am thinking of sending a letter to my husband: what do you think?

(88 Posts)
BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 14:16:56

Dear DH

There have been a number of times in the period since DS was born when you have said that you held doubts about our relationship and questioned whether you would rather be separated/divorced. The most recent was a few weeks ago, in the car returning from our visit to X TOWN, and again when we were talking in bed the following night.

So I have had plenty of opportunity to think about what the future might be like as a separated couple. I have had to accept that hurt and live with the fact that, although these statements seem to gradually get brushed under the carpet, we continue with our day to day existence knowing, both of us, that you are not fully committed to me and to our shared future. I also increasingly have had to accept that the feeling you don’t really want me, for my own sake as your wife or the woman you love. I can’t remember when you last paid me a compliment or said that I have done something well. I feel that you just tolerate me, put up with me as second best, something mediocre, because I ‘come with the package’ of the house, DS and being a family man. This comes from your body language, from what you say and how you speak to me, especially in front of DS.

Accepting this is painful and I have had to look elsewhere to retain my pride and sense of self-esteem: to my own rational mind, to the love of my son, the pleasure and fulfilment I get from work and study, to the colleagues who value my work and to the occasional contact with my sister or friends.

Likewise, I feel that another casualty of our present relationship situation has been the opportunity for me to show weakness. I try really hard to keep on top of everything: working, household stuff, studying, being a good and patient mother to DS. But sometimes I need your help. Last Tuesday evening was one such time, when I was feeling low and mentally and emotionally exhausted from dealing with DS. This morning was another - I didn’t want to ‘make you the bad guy’ and I am sorry if I gave that impression, I just wanted practical help in getting home safely with the bags, scooter and a heavy three-year-old who had been trying to run away. But you seem to resent me having needed your help in these parenting situations, on Tuesday in particular. I would love to return to the feeling of give-and-take, that I can help you out when you need it, without recriminations, and that you would do the same for me.

The option that you have alluded to several times is to go our separate ways. Yet I do want to remain married. You know me better than any living person. I still love you and also hold you in high regard as father to DS. I don’t want him to grow up in a separated family, without the advantages that we could give him if we remain together.

Likewise, I don’t want you to be unhappy. I am sorry that you are unhappy. Why would I want you to be anything other than happy?

I want to be with you and I am prepared to ride-out a time of difficultly. I have often said that this phase of parenting is known to be hard work, for all couples. But I feel that we, together, need to make positive changes and a fresh commitment to our marriage.

Some ideas of what this might mean in practical terms:

Committing to an evening together, in the diary every week
Committing to a night away together, every six weeks.
A series of counselling sessions
Attending a parenting course together
Using a relationship textbook or workbook to bring a new perspective

I am sure that neither of us wants to live in this situation of uncertainty indefinitely and if necessary, I think we should agree a point in time when we review the situation and decide if we want to move forward together or make alternative plans.

With love, as always,
(signed)

HansieMom Thu 25-Apr-13 20:25:08

I am sorry, I was mixing up my threads. But I still think you should take out your money.

HansieMom Thu 25-Apr-13 20:18:39

What is worse? You taking your inheritance or him romancing someone else?

olgaga Thu 25-Apr-13 19:29:31

It's not a declaration of war if you find a really good interest bearing account to put it in!

Take a look here.

Yes you can ring fence it if it is quite recent and all other needs are met. But it's a lot easier if it's in an account in your name, separate from any joint accounts.

It also stops him accessing it.

wordyBird Thu 25-Apr-13 18:54:46

A declaration of war if you move your own money sad ... but yes, it is for you to decide. The last thing any of us wants to do is attempt to control your decisions ourselves, thus adding to the burden.

Wishing you good luck Branching. Don't settle for too little.....and we will be here if/ when you want us. brew

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 25-Apr-13 18:00:55

Your decision. But if it's in the joint account there's nothing to stop him taking it.

BranchingOut Thu 25-Apr-13 15:40:19

I am not going to move the money, as that would be an outright declaration of war in his eyes and I dont want to do anything just yet. However, the solicitor did think that it might be possible to ring fence it.

I will let the thread dwindle away for now, but I am very glad to have posted and really appreciate all the help. I now feel that little bit of confidence inside me after having gone to the solicitor - that no, it doesn't have to be this way and that, yes, if needed, I could choose to live differently.

SugarPasteGreyhound Wed 24-Apr-13 19:18:46

Move the money!!!! Do it first thing tomorrow as a priority.

Lovingfreedom Wed 24-Apr-13 10:58:32

I've been in a position re inheritance. Because I put it towards the mortgage/paying off debts etc it was seen as part of matrimonial assets. My solicitor managed to negotiate a 'special circumstance' which gave me some of it back, but not a lot! I'd say, put the exact sum you inherited into a separate account in your own name.

lemonstartree Wed 24-Apr-13 09:52:29

You sound like a lovely thoughtful intelligent woman, and I agree your husband sounds like an entitled cock. Who the FUCK does he think he is musing about whether he wants to stay with you long term ? He should be on his bloody knees grateful you are prepared to forgive him for his abusive crap in the past.

I'm glad you have sought advice. There is literally nothing more soul destroying than loving a man who does not love you and my advice would be to call him on it and walk away. If he wakes up and realizes how bloody lucky he is, and what a wonderful wife he has, then he can try and win you back. If not, you can find a man who is worth you....

good luck

lst

olgaga Tue 23-Apr-13 20:58:04

FFS you have an inheritance? Please please please do not under any circumstances use it in any way towards any joint asset ie paying off mortgage or anything like that.

Please put it in an account in your name separate from all other finance.

Tomorrow!

Kundry Tue 23-Apr-13 20:48:37

Oh I remember your other thread - he is an arse.

Please make sure you take your £90K with you when you leave him.

Dozer Tue 23-Apr-13 17:54:05

Oh, that one was your H! I remember your thread.

As well as olgaga's links, the EA thread might be helpful.

wordyBird Tue 23-Apr-13 17:49:18

Very glad to hear you've had a helpful chat with a solicitor. Taking a practical step forward can a big help in clearing your mind ( and thus considering your options).

And yes - agree with previous posters to move your inherited money ASAP!

NatashaBee Tue 23-Apr-13 16:56:05

I remember your previous thread about your DH and pressuring you to earn more - I tend not to really notice poster names though so didn't link it to your thread here. I'm glad you have taken a tentative step towards breaking away... your letter explained everything perfectly but since your husband seems not to be willing to listen, I think you would have been wasting your time.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 23-Apr-13 16:39:43

Fuck! YYY to this. When did you come by the inheritance - as depending on when this is he may try to claim half if you divorce.

And I know of what I speak.

HansieMom Tue 23-Apr-13 16:16:25

Would you PLEASE take your 90K inheritance out of the joint account and put it in your account? It was given to YOU.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 23-Apr-13 13:24:13

Branching, I am glad you sought out a solicitor and got some clarity for your feelings and validity too. Not that there was any doubt in my mind, but for yourself.

The problem is him, not you. sad

Jenny0101 Tue 23-Apr-13 12:48:05

I agree with the poster who says that he can't possibly be 50% more articulate than you are. He sounds like my x in that I was the articulate one but he instantly repeated what I had said back to me but with an entirely different negative meaning. That is not articulate, it is toxic, and it is arguing 'dirty'.

It was a good letter but I agree now that the right thing to do was to not send it. I agree that it won't make him value you more. He'll be irritated. I wrote my x hundreds of letters over the years. All of them were reasoned, articulate, not asking for anything that I wasn't offering myself (eg, respect, consideration, equality in the relationship). Never did me the blindest bit of good though.

olgaga Tue 23-Apr-13 12:11:56

I think you've done the right thing not sending the letter and in taking the action you have.

You might find the advice and links here helpful for background information in addition to the legal advice you're getting.

sandyballs Tue 23-Apr-13 12:09:12

It's a great letter and extremely articulate, you come across as a warm lovely kind person who is making a huge effort to keep your marriage going, for yourself and your son.

My initial thoughts though are that the letter makes you vulnerable and gives him all the power. Again. It's all about you trying your best to make things work, what about him? It's almost pleading and I'm not sure you should be putting yourself in this situation. not sure if I've explained myself particularly well there but I hope you know what I mean.

A better tact perhaps would be to hold your head up high, get out and make new friends, join groups, whatever it takes, however difficult it feels and even if you feel completely miserable. Take the focus off him to make you happy and see what he does.

He sounds a cock and he doesn't deserve you, leaving you hanging around like this, it is emotional abuse. Who the fuck do some of these men think they are!

poozlepants Tue 23-Apr-13 12:04:15

I think what you've written is great and if you feel he doesn't listen while you are talking then it makes sense. However I wouldn't give him a list of options to consider. I think you should suggest what you really want so if you want to go to counselling then do that. Otherwise he may pick the away weekend it'll happen once and then it'll be another 3 months down the line and he'll think he's made an effort.

Branleuse Tue 23-Apr-13 11:58:40

well done on seeing the solicitor and never forget youve got options.

You do not need him

I would start to get your finances in order asap

I'm glad you didn't send the letter and I'm really glad you saw a solicitor.

He really thinks the problem is you.

It is not you. Keep on branching out.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 23-Apr-13 11:39:27

I sent an email to my then H in 2010, explaining as clearly and honestly as I could, why living in a house with him and 2 young adults, none of whom helped with the housework, led to a messy house and a depressed me.

He didn't reply.

I followed up with a prompting email.

He didn't reply.

I printed it out and confronted him.

At first he didn't reply.

Then he said 'Deal with it then' (words to that effect)

This is how I eventually dealt with it: In 2011 I filed for divorce. He was an abusive FW (though not violent) and I am grateful to the EA thread for opening my eyes.

I haven't read your other thread, but I'm betting it will ring bells for me.

bleedingheart Tue 23-Apr-13 11:16:28

Good luck going forward branching. You deserve so much more.

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