i don't find him attractive anymore. what to do?

[mydoorisalwaysopen]

Have been together nearly twenty years. married ten, two DS since we married. First marriage for us both. No kids from previous relationships. He's a lovely man and a great dad but I'm not feeling a lot of love or desire for him and haven't for some time. We do date nights and have a good social life together and separately but recently find I'd rather go out in a group or not with him than just the two of us. I feel a bit repulsed by the idea of sex. I really want to stop feeling like this as we have had a good relationship. He won't do counselling. We went once but he asked me not to talk about sex and we never went again. Have you recovered from a situation like this and how did you do it?

[Dryjuice25]

I'm afraid it looks like you have outgrown each other, as what usually happens to long marriages.

Is there someone else involved on your side when you go out without him

He sounds like a decent enough bloke as there is no mention of cheating/abuse which is usually a passion killer in general? Why do you think is the cause of your being repulsed by him? Does he maintain good personal hygiene?

Is he a good dad/husband/person? I don't like the fact that he refuses to talk about sex when that seems to be a major part of this equation. Does he care about issues that bother you in general. He sounds like he is in denial about your feelings.

What do you intend to do? You can't fix this alone and you need to have a really serious chat about this me thinks. Good Luck

[nerofiend]

I think it is natural for physical attraction to go down or maybe disappear for a while as you grow older and have been together for so long. I woudn't worry if it's a temporary thing and it might have happened before, and you got over it.

I've been together with my DH for 15 years, married for five, and I had periods in my life when I haven't been into sex with my partner, even though on the whole I'm happy with our sex life. IMO it's natural to lose your sex drive for periods of time, especially after you have kids.

If your current state has been the case for years, then I'd be more concerned.

Can you try spending a weekend away with no children, just you and him in a foreign city, and see how you feel about sex and the physical side of your relationship? It will give you the chance to talk openly about these things in a different context, in a new place and you both might feel like you did when you first met, who knows?

I don't find domestic life and a house full of children particularly conducive to passion or physical attraction, so it could be that your environment has made you feel that way and not him as such.

[mydoorisalwaysopen]

There isn't anyone else. TBH don't find many men attractive! He was very handsome but has let himself go a bit. I have said he needs to lose weight and he acknowledges that but doesn't do anything about it. I do feel as if I have to do the fixing as he's in denial. We do need a heart to heart but find it incredibly difficult to know how to say this to him. It will obviously be extremely hurtful but he clearly knows sex is pretty much off the agenda at the moment.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think it's right to say this is what 'usually' happens. Too generalised. Some people grow apart admittedly but others grow together, maturing as individuals but continuing to want the same things and taking pleasure in each others' company.

He has to do something, though. Doing nothing is not an option when things are as unsatisfactory as you describe. Was the reluctance to talk about sex because you were with a counsellor or is this normal for him... is he generally quite repressed? Either way, if you can't communicate and can't be honest with each other, I don't think anything is going to improve.

Have you ever had a conversation where one or the other of you have said you might be better off apart?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So the real problem is that he's fat?... and you're avoiding saying this because it'll hurt his feelings?

[Dryjuice25]

Oops, pardon me. Should I have asked whether he is a good dad/dh/man as it is given in op? No.

[Dryjuice25]

Imagine if it was a man saying they don't fancy their wife because she has gained weight. He would be thoroughly trashed by mumsnetters.

Come on. You must be deeper than this op unless of course if he has quadrupled in size since you met?

Cogito- usually in my context means sometimes it happens sometimes it don't.

[Salbertina]

I don't think its shallow to think like that. Looks matter and if something about a partner is repellent then sex is not going to be great, in fact it will be awful.

[Mumsyblouse]

Salbertina I really disagree, if you marry for life, then you are accepting the physical changes that occur from age 20 to age 80/90. The vast majority of people put on weight, get a bit saggy, get wrinkles and so on. It is possible to fancy your husband throughout a whole life, my husband is fatter and less athletic at 45 than 30 (surprise) but I still fancy him, and I am also plumper and less glamorous, he also fancies me. Ill-health, natural ageing, do we really suppose our partners would be immune to this?

I look at my husband's sparkling eyes, smell his smell, see him smile and still think 'cor' (despite the extra 20 kg)- the Op doesn't but I don't think this should be considered ok because they have been together for a long time.

Having said that, if you don't fancy him, you don't and you may have to leave if you can't face having sex again.

[Dryjuice25]

Salbertina I see what you mean. So fat can get in the way ha!! There is me thinking that it's about the person. But what do I know, I guess I'm not really qualified to comment/judge on this as I have never been with a fat man.

[Dryjuice25]

Mumsyblouse I agree with you 100%. Very well articulated.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The 'fat' part may not be the full story. If 'fat' also means someone's stopped caring about their looks/health or got lazy in some other way that can combine to make someone less attractive in a more general sense. But, even if he is simply overweight and this is offputting sexually, it isn't shallow or cruel to think that. ... not even if you've married for life. What would be cruel would be to hurl insults or cast blame.

There are ways to help someone shape up without hurting their feelings. The health angle is always a good one. Leaving all cosmetic concerns to one side, you encourage them to eat better/less and move more because you are worried about their health, for example.

[Salbertina]

Mumsy- i agree with you, in the
main! My point was due to Op mentioning being "repelled" by her dh. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so nothing wrong with any healthy shape/size if both happy and absolutely we all age etc etc. But to repelled by one's life partner doesn't bode well.

[mydoorisalwaysopen]

The weight thing is just a symptom I think. Although when I put on weight I was repulsed by myself so perhaps I have my own issues on that. (I've now lost the weight). we don't seem to connect anymore - not on the same wavelength, IYSWIM. Everyday conversations can take on bizarre twists as we just don't seem to understand each other. We went out this afternoon with the family and I was looking at him more objectively and really he hasn't changed that much - I don't know then why my feelings have changed and i want to change back. We used to have a fantastic physical relationship. But we also used to talk and laugh together. Perhaps we should have a date soon. Weekend away unfortunately out of the question as no one to look after kids.

[Salbertina]

That actually sounds quite hopeful esp as you used to fantastic sex life. Are you both just worn down as we all are by family life? If so, maybe try to be more accepting of this as life stage which will pass. Meanwhile get a sitter now & then to go out.

[Lucylloyd13]

If you need sex, like most of us do, and he is no longer doing it for you, perhaps it is time to move on?