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Your thoughts please....

(11 Posts)
vodkacranberry Mon 22-Apr-13 15:45:07

Bulletproofmum - thanks for the reply. When we did meet up he did say that I had come along at the wrong time as there was so much going on in his life and that if we had met up 6 months later it he would be in a better place. He has never asked me to wait for him and has been very honest and open from the beginning. I respect him for this which is why I am not going to chase him and will not contact him - we went out for over 2 years and he knows that when or if he is ready he can contact me.

I am not sitting in waiting for a text, far from it, and am out and about when I can but he is/was a very important part of my life that I am having trouble dealing with.

Time will tell!

Bulletproofmum Sun 21-Apr-13 22:33:09

It's difficult. On other threads on here about people involved in messy exit affairs, there's been a repeated advice of have no contact for six months whilst the old relationship is ended and finalised. If you still feel the same way in six months then it must be real and that love will have waited. Here the om has done just that however the feeling from most is that he just can't be that into you.

The ending of a relationship is very messy, especially where children and money are involved. Having someone else in the picture adds to the complexity and feelings of guilt. For the man I think possibly harder as more often than not it is he who has to leave his children. However there's part of me that also recognises that if he really loved you then he wouldn't be able not to see you.

I wouldn't necessarily assume that all is lost however I would take the advice of the others that you shouldn't wait and get on and enjoy yourself. It won't stop the relationship starting again, it will make you feel stronger, and you never know, someone else may steal your heart.

Fwiw I do empathise. I'm in a similar situation. I have fallen for a man who also wants to put everything on hold whilst he sorts his messy life out. We are in constant contact though and I can't break it off. It is constant hot/cold and an emotional roller coaster. I haven't given up on him as I believe him to be genuine but in a very difficult place. I am doing my best to move in though. I have joined match.com and trying to take all opportunities (although rare!) to get out and enjoy myself and maybe meet someone. I've not told him, but maybe he will sense the change in me and it will help focus his mind.

It's hard though, I know how much he's hurting, care for him, and want to be there for him as he has been for me.

stargirl04 Sun 21-Apr-13 10:57:13

Hi Vodka, sorry to say this, but if I were you I would assume that he is not interested and I would get out there and enjoy being single: have fun doing stuff you like and date others. In time, you will meet someone you like better - I've been in this exact situation and that's what happened.

The new guy did not last (as I had to leave the country), but we are friends and the memory of him still makes me smile.

As for the one before him - who really hurt me, with the benefit of time and distance, I can see him for the unsuitable partner that he was, and I am glad he's not in my life anymore, even though I was devastated when he wanted "time out to think". He was newly separated and when his estranged wife learnt that I was on the scene she returned to claim him!

Of course, he didn't do the decent thing and finish with me outright, he wanted to put me "on hold" in case it didn't work out with the wife.

It didn't and months later he came back. But by then I'd met Mr Fun and Friendly, who wasn't screwed up over his divorce three years previously!

Lesson learnt: I would never date a newly separated man or one in the midst of a divorce or break up, even if he says it was his decision or that he is "over" his ex emotionally - as their heads are all over the place and they are not ready.

Whatever you do, don't contact him. Letting them know you're "there for them" is a bad move and usually invites more confusing and hurtful behaviour.

Assuming though that he does come back (which they have a strange habit of doing once they suspect you're moving on), ask yourself this: Do you really want to be caught up in his drama, and risk the same thing happening again?

Relationships that are "right" are easy and follow a pattern: the guy asks you out, takes you on great dates, things get better and better, and then he proposes / or you move in together.

In the best relationships, it really is as simple as that. There is no "confusion", or wanting time out, or "the timing being wrong".

Of course, there will be people on here who are quick to point out that this is what happened with them but their other half "changed" and they are now "really happy". But as Greg Behrendt would say (in It's called a break-up because it's broken), "Don't listen to these stories", as statistically they are the exception rather than the norm.

You will forget this guy quicker once you end contact and get out there and start socialising. Good luck!

muffintop Sun 21-Apr-13 10:06:47

I agree with something2say he does sound quite decent in that he was honest and open about where he was in his life. Not everyone can deal with lots of things going on especially women - after all he is a man! If he really likes you then he will contact you when he is ready. But in the meantime make sure you are still going out and having fun and keep yourself busy and you may meet someone new who will make you forget all about this guy. Good luck smile

Fairylea Sun 21-Apr-13 08:46:37

My ex did this to me. Went off travelling for 6 months as it was something he'd always wanted to do. I couldn't go as I was a single mum to dd. He literally dropped me, no contact once in 6 months. Then tried to ring me when he got back.

By that time I'd met the man I'm now married to. We now have a ds. I'm glad I didn't wait for twatface.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Apr-13 08:38:13

You got 'don't call us, we'll call you'..... Sorry but I don't think he's interested.

something2say Sun 21-Apr-13 08:23:43

Oh I don't know, that's kinda decent of him to take six months I'd say...l. Yes keep an eye out for him, but date too. X

Lavenderhoney Sun 21-Apr-13 06:38:00

Gosh yes, go out and meet new people and date. You aren't in a relationship with him - just staying celibate and missing the chance to meet someone who won't push off leaving you to deal with life.

Sorry, but I think perhaps he was trying to say he isn't interested in a relationship with you and doesn't need your love and support in this difficult time for him.

Lovingfreedom Sun 21-Apr-13 00:17:22

If he was into you he wouldn't risk leaving you for six months. Sorry.

WinkyWinkola Sun 21-Apr-13 00:14:01

I would start dating again regardless.

You can't hang around waiting for this man not least because you could be having lots of fun yourself.

Who knows if he will crop up again but if you hang around waiting all lovelorn then that's really unattractive and uninspiring.

He's promised you nothing. I would assume that's that personally.

vodkacranberry Sun 21-Apr-13 00:10:22

Brief history - recently had an intense relationship with old boyfriend - he is going through a divorce nothing to do with me, not my fault not other women - when we met he said that I had come along at the wrong time as he was going through a divorce and things were messy trying to sort money issues etc. Kids are adults and mini adults. Anyway we were in contact/seeing each other for 6 weeks and emotionally too much for him as we were beginning to having feelings for each other so agreed to give each other space. He said that he needed 6 months to sort himself out and that he would contact me when "he could see light through tunnel". We had a very open conversation about it and he was totally honet and did not bullshit me - it has been 3 months and I have not contacted him as I realise he needs space to sort this and repsect his wishes - so do you think he will contact me? Its beginning to do my head in as I really like him thank you

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