Scaring off OPs

[Uppatreecuppatea]

People post on this section of MN when they feel desperate and it seems that these two responses make them abandon their thread.

1. MNHQ posting that the thread has been reported, and
   
2. 'OP, I recognise you from another thread"
   
   So, why does it happen?
   
   If an OP asks you not to 'out' her, why on earth would you say you recognised her from another thread? Imagine how threatened that must make her feel. Just don't do it. It doesn't give you points for recognising her! Just shut up.
   
   And MNHQ, be more sensitive.
   
   Just that really.
   Too many threads have been abandoned by the OP recently because of this sort of hoo-haa.

[something2say]

For me, it's about strangers deciding that other strangers should end their marriage right now this second, and if they hesitate or procrastinate in any way, they are judged and people are rude to them.

It smacks of rudeness and ill informed helping from amateurs. That's why, in my mind, ops fuck off.

[wonderingagain]

I think MN should have a Troll of the Year Award and give them a listing on a special thread which includes their real names and authentic addresses.

[Lovingfreedom]

I think you are basing this on one particular thread rather than a trend.

[Uppatreecuppatea]

Something - I think you're right.

[Lovingfreedom]

Do either of you who criticise advice to leave an abusive marriage have experience of this? I was told by MN to end my marriage. I thought they were all wrong and procrastinated. Two months and a course of counselling later I did leave my marriage. Without that kick up the arse from the LTB gang, I'd still be in that abusive and controlling relationship, trying to make it work for the sake of the kids, and trying to fix an unfixable man. I am forever indebted to MN advice and I just hope I'm able to make some contribution towards helping the next woman like me to escape.

[Lovingfreedom]

And in fact in the thread to which I assume you are referring, OP came back later to say she had asked her partner to move out.

[something2say]

Loving freedom, what I personally meant by my post was this.

You took time to decide, and in the end you left. You did not decide during the course of a four day thread or whatever. You took the time you needed.

What gets me about these threads is that people jump on bandwagons le right and centre, often very ill informed, blasting out advice to strangers. Threads take off in all manner of ways - call social services, you're being abided, the kids are at immediate risk of death fgs!!!!! - and it's not necessarily true.

I think people take time to make big decisions like leaving, and so they should.

I am not basing this in the big thread from the other day. I am basing it from being relatively new to mumsnet and finding it all a bit angstrom when it comes down to leaving.

I work with abused women helping them leave and it can take time. The absolute worst thing to do is turn on them when they don't. She your advice there and then. It's actually more risky. Let people take the time they need and then they will leave.

That's what I meant.

Well done for leaving btw x lol

[Uppatreecuppatea]

I guess it's a fine line between recognising someone's legitimacy and outing the OP.

I personally think "I believe you" is fine.

No need to prop oneself up.

Just support and believe. Unfortunately, there are trolls. Sadly, some lives are so bad that we can almost not believe they are enduring such suffering.

But we must believe in order to not let them fall in between.

[Lovingfreedom]

Ah I agree. It's not the kind of decision you make in a matter of hours. And I don't think that having asked for advice you are obliged to take it. Personally I find it fine that people vent, ignore sometimes obvious advice, and then come back.
You can't make a big decision like moving out of your home, ending your relationship, breaking up your family just like that. It's never that clear cut when you are on it...even if its glaringly clear from outside.

I do agree too that it's not good practice to 'out' posters even within MN, given how many seem to share their nicknames with their partners.

In that thread the MNHQ post was clumsy at best IMO. And it possibly did panic the OP. she was particularly vulnerable.

I still think that overall MN provided some invaluable support. Even when you decide to do something different to what's suggested, it's still empowering and thought provoking to know that lots of strangers are offering their support.

[Angelico]

I take it this isn't about the OW just had DH's baby thread? Because it has been found to be a returning troll. Apologies if not but it started the same way, 'Please don't out me.'

[badinage]

Some OPs are absolute emotional vampires though who namechange only to confuse and to attract a whole new set of sympathisers. They don't namechange in order to protect their identity and IME, rarely say 'don't out me if you recognise' precisely because they don't want people even to think they've had other threads; hence the namechange.

So I don't think it's at all unreasonable on those threads for posters to query whether there have been other threads, to refer back to what was said on those if it's the same problem that's been aired a zillion times before, or to flag up that honest posters are possibly being taken for a ride.

[jenny99]

I have found that opinions in any direction help but sometimes the way they are expressed is very hurtful.

If somebody has been through a similar experience and can share their thoughts and views in a reasonable way it is incredibly helpful whether or not they are for or against whatever it is in question.

It is the comments from people who have negative similar experiences and are bitter that don't help because what an OP does with her life won't make it better for a sad, wronged poster. The OP has come here for help, support and advice and if someone believes they are wrong then perhaps they need to try and get that across in a sensitive way. Some people here may be unbalanced and none of us are qualified counsellors (some may be...) hence the disclaimer. But harsh words such as I have read directed at me and at others could have a terribly negative effect on some vulnerable people.

[CastroIsDead]

thanks badinage i was starting to feel guilty at the thought of breaking one of the rules without realising when i asked an op if she had other threads. did read familiar and none of it life threatening stuff

[badinage]

Yes I think that's fine Castro.

I think Jenny's aired a common misconception that I've seen on other threads.

That posters who criticise an OP's behaviour or who advise LTB are by definition bitter journeywomen who've suffered from said behaviour or who've had painful and destructive relationships. I've been happily married for yonks to a bloke who's always treated me really well and hopefully I've returned the favour, so my perspective is that I'm used to high standards of behaviour in relationships and in men. And I don't see why every other poster shouldn't expect the same of themselves or others in life.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I don't think the 'vouching for' posters makes much of a difference actually. Half the time I don't know the posters who are doing the vouching so they have no more credibility than the OP.

I wish the alluding to trolls wasn't quite so prevalent. I think that MNHQ do quite a good job really of acting on reports. Troll hunting makes me cross, it's so pointless. If it's a troll, they will have their response ready... if it isn't, a vulnerable person has been discredited simply because some arrogant posters can't keep themselves from blurting out whatever is on their mind.

[wonderingagain]

I remember once being accused of being a troll and being cross refered to another thread by some stranger. I was more concerned for the troll hunter - life can't be much fun when you're paranoid. But it was hugely insulting.