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please help me partner just attacked am in shock

(259 Posts)
yummytummy Sat 20-Apr-13 22:38:15

Unfortunately an ongoing thing had been taking steps to leave but things calmed down.

Just tried to talk about a fight we had yesterday I started v calm then he didn't like what I waz saying got agitated then pushed me onto sofa hard then pulled my legs and was dragging me around I tried to get him off and ripped his top then of course I am the crazy one and I started attacking him for no reason.

Then he said wd kill me if I phoned police kids are asleep he is refusing to leave what do I do plz help

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 21-Apr-13 21:36:50

That must have taken so much courage. You are a brave woman yummy. Changing the way you react and picking up that phone, huge huge deal, and it probably feels like going into free fall. But it's the right thing to do, for you and your little boy.

Keeping saying to yourself "I'm going to be ok", over and over, til you start to believe it, because it's true, so hard to see through the awfulness and self blame and confusion and voices... But really, you've done a massively good and right thing by saying no, he can't touch me like that, ever again, and phoning the police, and wow, really, you did it!

I think everyone on here is really worried that he will get under your skin again, or your family will try and get you to accept his abuse again... And you'll be back, scared, abused, controlled, and trapped, with an even angrier man, and your poor little boy too.

With all my heart, please keep going on this new path you're making for yourself... It leads to happiness, and self esteem, and freedom xxx

yummytummy Sun 21-Apr-13 22:33:03

I think its just sinking in whats happened hav been detached now just crying and shaky, shock maybe? I am going to do my best to be strong and try to stay on this path. Of course he will try to wheedle his way in but have been living such a shit life in fear for so long cant do it anymore. Just to have one day where I dont hear how fat ugly etc I am is so nice.

Also reading other theads on here I dont believe there are partner s who are so nice to their wives it seems impossible to me.

Just bit upset also as cant go work tomorrow as normally he is off mondays and has kids while I work. Hav no other childcare just now. I know minor in grand scheme but still. I am woefully inequipped to be a single parent

skyebluesapphire Sun 21-Apr-13 22:46:37

Take tomorrow off sick, you have had a hard weekend. Use the time to make any necessary phonecalls while the kids are at school . Legal advice, find out about tax credits, council tax, inform the school, soutce some childcare, ring women's aid. Do all those things while you have the peace to do it and the kids can't hear anything. I do t think you can change the locks on a joint mortgage house but this may be different in cases of DV.

Legal Aid is still available in cases of DV. Find out if you could qualify. .

Get everything sorted out financially and you will feel a lot more able to cope.

Let your family know and tell them that he voluntarily admitted past offences.

You are doing so well at the moment. The first steps to your new life are right in front of you.

Lueji Sun 21-Apr-13 22:54:22

What skye said.

You can do it.

BabyHMummy Sun 21-Apr-13 22:56:37

yummy you are in shock and that ia perfectly natural...as are the tears...but stay strong!! As someone else said use time to.make arrangements and are a solicitor. You need to get an emergency injunction in case he tries anything other towards you or worse the kids. The school unfortunately can't stop him taking the kids without this (a friend gone thru similar recently) and you need to protect them.

You are stronger than you think hun and you can do this on your own. Remember you have done the hardest thing and called the police and stuck with it.

For the record there are come lovely guys out there! My dp is amazing and has stood by me through some really crappy time lately which my ex h would never have done. Have faith Xxx

skyebluesapphire Sun 21-Apr-13 23:34:20

Yes, agree with above. If you are afraid he would take the kids then get an injunction. My school said that they couldn't stop XH taking DD without an injunction (not that I had cause for concern, it just came up in conversation). You should inform the school though so that they can keep an eye on the kids in case they are affected by anything.

Your children deserve a future without any fear in it. If you waver at all , then just remind yourself of that.

Jux Mon 22-Apr-13 07:31:40

Try to do one nice thing for yourself each. Just having a coffee in a place and watcging the world go by, for instance. One nice thing for you, one nice thing for your dc. Snuggle up and watch a film eating pizza? Anything.

You are strong, brave woman. Keep telling yourself that.

cjel Mon 22-Apr-13 10:22:28

well done yummy, small steps at a time , you made massive step yest and may need to give yourself a day to collect your thoughts. Make a couple of urgent calls to keep yourself safe and start to sort out finance, but take it easy. Seek friends that you feel give you a boost and do something you like. Sit out in the sun, buy a cake? start to take care of you!!!

yummytummy Mon 22-Apr-13 10:56:55

Am frustrated this am my support worker from wa is out of office all day no one else there to help. Tried national dv helpline no one picked up. Just wanted totalk and get advadvice. Head is messed up cant believe have missed work for nothing.

Cant get energy to do anything either hav washing to sort etc am just sat staring at it. Just doing basic childcare of dd. Feel so useless. Its true what he says I am too crap to do it all alone. One day without him I cant cope. He does a lot round house and with kids. Its awful but its too draining having the kids all the time

Basic childcare of DD is fine, that's more than enough for now. You are in shock, no wonder you can't get it together to worry about housework. Try DV helpline again, it does say on their website it gets busy, or ring the Samaritans. Dont let him be the voice in your head, you are doing fine - what a huge step forward.

Katnisscupcake Mon 22-Apr-13 11:20:49

Yummy, I haven't read your other threads, but well done for your strength. You have done the right thing.

My DSis has two young boys and her (D)H is abusive. In his previous relationship he went to prison for ABH of his two young boys (both under 5 at the time). He did his time and had some counselling.

He then left his partner and met my DSis. He tried to strangle my DNephew and then two weeks later (my DSis didn't report him on that occasion and now denies that it happened - even though it was her that told us in the first place) he punched my DSis in the back of her head when she was PG with DC2. He was seen as it was in broad daylight. He called the police himself and was taken away.

He had to live with his Mother for a number of months and have more counselling and had to do an anger management course. My DSis had DC2 on her own and was doing really well.

But in August last year, she took him back, a year after she'd thrown him out.

As yet there hasn't been any violence (that we know about - DSis would never admit it anyway knowing how much we all disagreed with her decision to take him back), but we are all waiting, hoping that he really has changed, but not really believing it. DSis was doing so well without him. She now lives with SS constantly on her case (and rightly so) and she is more miserable with him than she was without him. But she won't leave him. We are shocked that she could knowlingly put her DCs at risk.

Please don't ever let it get to this stage. Stand your ground and look after your DCs. Sounds like your P/H hasn't touched your DCs yet (although I haven't read all your threads), please don't let him have the chance.

BabyHMummy Mon 22-Apr-13 11:21:10

You are not Crap hun. You have and a really emotional weekend. Tell work you need a few days off as you are ill. You can self cert for 7 days.

Take today to rest up and do something nice for yourself. Leave a message for you wa advisor and ask her to call you urgently tomorrow.

You have done the absolute hardest thing in the world by getting him out. You can do this!! The washing can wait it isn't the end of the world!

Enjoy time with your dd. I know its hard but you will get thru this! & u have lots of ppl here holding ur hands

Lueji Mon 22-Apr-13 11:21:52

Hugs.

You are having to cope with a lot without support. It's normal.

Don't feel discouraged.
Ring again.

Taking the day off is not a waste. You are with your children and taking stock of what has happened.
Be easy on yourself.
And do go out into the sun. It will make you feel better.

bleedingheart Mon 22-Apr-13 11:26:36

After all you have been through I don't think anyone would expect you to be able to do the housework etc as normal. Keep trying the numbers and find out what you are entitled to.
I'm do sorry that your family are so inadequate and cruel but you are strong and you know you can do this now. You are ready.
The man who told you that you can't also said he was going to kill you- he is an unreliable narrator. He told you that precisely because he knew you would be better off without him and he wanted to control you. Good luck yummy.

You can do it Yummy. I have just read your thread. you did so well, and you did it all by yourself! I was in your exact situation last month, and did not have the courage but luckily my sister did.
I'm sure everything he's said to you is playing in your head, it's so hard to ignore. Give yourself time, the house can go to pots for a bit, that's no proof that he's right. I'm 100 % sure he's wrong, as no one in their right mind says they will kill their partner and mother of their children. My xp said the same, and though this was not how I hoped things would go, I gradually feel a whole lot better. You are in shock, so take your time and let yourself grieve and stick to your own story. The police are good with these things. I was also amazed that they took me seriously and all of a sudden I wasn't this loopy fruitcake my x had made me out to be. He was the one they removed, and will not let back in the house.
It's great you've had all this support on here so far. Carry on and there will be more support coming for you!

Chubfuddler Mon 22-Apr-13 11:51:15

You'll be amazed by how much energy, focus and drive you have to care for the children and run the home when you're not living on eggshells all the time, anticipating his moods, waiting for the next outburst.

Chub is right. This weekend has been incredibly draining and hard work. You are exhausted. I was only able to do the bare minimum with my DS in the days and weeks when I was starting to take control. Funnily enough I was able to manage work but home was hard going and I felt I was failing him because I had started to believe the negative sound track that had been constant about being a bad mother.

It will pass. You will get glimpses of the energy and drive. You will see what you're capable in bursts. You'll be able to do it for longer and longer periods until you release that it wasn't you, it was him.

I used to try and concentrate on just 15 minutes of quality time in the morning and then again in the evening for my DS, the rest of the time I was on autopilot. By the end of the year I found my parenting groove and my boy blossomed.

My mantra was "fake it til you make it".

Madlizzy Mon 22-Apr-13 12:52:00

Everything he said to you was to belittle you and grind you down so you would rely on him for everything and believe that no one else would want you. He's made you believe this for his own ends and none of it is true. he's the one found wanting. Once you've licked your woulds, started getting your own life together, you will cope just fine and dandy, especially as you won't have the threat of violence hanging over you. You are doing so bloody well, and deserve to be so proud of yourself for saying no more. You've taken control now, small steps and stay proud, you can do this. Housework can wait. xxx

Jux Mon 22-Apr-13 13:25:35

You are so used to hearing his judgements upon you, that they are like an mp3 constantly playing in your head. But it's just an 'earworm', one of those annoying bits of music that sticks in your mind and won't go away. To get rid of an earworm, you sng a different song, one you like, everytime it pops up.

You cab get rid of ridiculous, unjust judgements on you in the same way. Everytime you think a negative thing, counteract it by telling yourself someing positive. "NO! I am a great mum." "NO! I am perfectly competent to do ....." and so on.

Always remind yourself that you have had a massive emotional shock, and allow yourself to be human - less than perfect! No one is perfect and always right, though I bet he tried to persuade you that he was.

Pick your battles. You don't need to worry about the laundry, but you do need to feed dd, etc.

You will be fine. Really you will.

OxfordBags Mon 22-Apr-13 13:32:58

You have had a horrible, horrible time, been attacked and have made a huge life change. Of course you are feeling crappy and hardly able to do anything today, you poor thing! It is not because you are crap and can't cope without him. It's been a massive shock to the system and you need to gie yourself a break; could you be super-efficient and hold it all together if someone very close to you had died? No. So treat it like that.

In a way, it's like bereavement. You finally know that the person you thought he was, who wanted and needed him to be does not exist and never will do. Your relationship is dead and gone. There is mourning, too, for the person you were before he tried to destroy of you with his abuse. The good thing is, those can come back, and more.

He has sytematically emotionally and mentally abused you until you think you can't cope without him, that he is the better parent, that does everything and does it better than you, that you are nothing without him, that you are useless, lazy, stupid, worthless, a bad parent, etc. No wonder you can't feel good about yourself and are struggling to cope. But you know what? Even if you were all those things, it'd still be abuse for him to have told you and made you feel it the way he has done!

You know what else is hard? You get so used to hearing this shit about yourself, to being abused, that you don't know how to cope without it! It's what tells you who you are, what you are, what to do, defines you. But it is a voice that lies, that hates you, that wants to destroy you. Learning to ignore it and find a voice that speaks the truth will not happen over time.

Be kind to yourself. I know you've not experienced that for so long that you possibly don't evennknow how to. Try to think of how you'd treat your DD if she was older and in yor position. Then extend that love and cRing and understanding to yourself.

A lazy day never killed anyone. DD might well enjoy just slobbing about being with mummy not doing much. Let yourself be.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 22-Apr-13 13:46:25

Hello lovely

You're not useless. That's the abuse talking. It takes a while to get those horrible messages out of your head.

Be kind to yourself today. Basic childcare is absolutely fine - the washing can wait. Your DD has you and that is all she needs.

You are brave and strong, but that doesn't stop you from feeling awful sometimes.

Big hugs x

chipmonkey Mon 22-Apr-13 14:32:50

The thing about housework is that it is always there to be done whether you like it or not!
You have done the right thing. Stay strong and don't let him back in. You CAN do this on your own, even if you have been led to believe that you can't.
Have some brew !

yummytummy Mon 22-Apr-13 15:57:40

Thanks for all kind words of support helps so much as there is noone really in rl. Realised was only worried about washing and house as he always gets so stressy about it. Its weird to be able to leave it. Please keep posting helps me to stay firm and not waver in my decision.

Got ss coming tomorrow does anyone know what they do or say.?

BabyHMummy Mon 22-Apr-13 16:02:51

They will be out for safety of the kids so be completely honest and open with them as they will be able to help keep him away from you and them.

Try not to worry about it. Just tell them what he is like and ask them to help you.

Chubfuddler Mon 22-Apr-13 16:08:39

I spoke to SS on phone. Once I had satisfied them that there was no prospect of me and h reuniting they were fine. No ongoing involvement no follow ups. I asked about contact with Dcs and they said it was up to me - as the children had not been involved in any way they had no concerns.

So basically if you are determined it is over they will support you. If they consider the children to be at risk as bystanders to his violence they will act.

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