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sorry, but clueless: do gay men find women sexually repellent or just not very exciting?

(76 Posts)
allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:23:19

I read quite a few threads on MN where someone's husband unexpectedly announced he was gay - so obviously the wife thought sex was ok previously! is that the case with many gays, that they can have sex with women, but it's just not very exciting for them? or are the majority repelled by women, and those who switched are really bisexual? I find this all very confusing, and hard to get my head around gay men's sexuality. Sorry if this sounds really stupid.
This is following my friend having a crush on a gay man which was my previous thread (and she had her owm thread in aibu). She still thinks there is a real connection with him, but feels she can't dare to be honest with him, and is upset.

Branleuse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:24:42

im sure it depends on the individual gay man

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:27:55

thanks, Bran, so it there no such thing as majority on this subject?

fortyplus Sat 20-Apr-13 22:28:12

I'm sure that you could get a grasp of this by thinking about your own sexual attraction to other women. As a straight woman I think something along the lines of 'Hmmm well I can see why other people do it and maybe it might be nice but actually I'd sooner not bother as I find cocks so much more appealing!' grin

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:28:23

Sexuality is not entirely black and white. There is no defining 'gay' or 'straight' mindset.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:29:04

I always thought that for anyone to identify as gay openly and socially, it means not wanting sex with opposite sex at all. otherwise why not call themselves bi?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 22:30:17

Your friend might be kidding herself and the gay guy sees her as a friend

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:31:36

I also don't quite know what you want from this thread, it's like saying do all supposedly straight women not fancy women then, some do, some don't, some dabbled at a certain age, some would carry on if they were't married/settled down. In other words, sexuality is very complex and I don't think gay men have one version of it. Some people are more bisexual and find both sexes attractive, some are very much into one gender, and some are not that fussed about sex with anyone. And some people's sexuality unfolds as they meet people, in other words, they may have defined one way but then feel another on meeting the right person. So, all shades.

And, none of this is relevant to your friend, because we really can't guess about this particular guy's sexuality just because she thinks he's gay (unless he said this outright, who knows what thoughts go through his head).

It is also possible to feel a very deep connection with your non-preferred gender, not all connections are sexual.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:32:01

forty - yes, I see that, but then I never want to sleep with women, even if I think they look good. Most that I might like is to touch them (non sexually) - you know like you do a nice looking pet. Mind boggles has a previously married man suddenly decides he's gay - it means he had functioning sexual r-ship with a woman for years, and she thought he enjoyed it!

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:32:43

I call myself straight. That doesn't mean I have never had any attraction toward someone that's the same sex as me.

Not sure why it matters that much?

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:33:22

Most people go for a handy label- but did he use this label himself or is it what others have said? And the label is just that, a shorthand way of expressing your main preference but it may be much more complex than that and also depend who you meet.

I can see when a woman is sexually attractive. I'm probably 90% straight. Women's bodies don't repel me. I imagine the same would apply to a 90% gay man.

When a husband is "suddenly gay" I always imagine he was bisexual to start with but repressed the man-liking part of his libido cause he found a woman he liked enough to marry, and/or because he thought marriage was generally a good idea. And then he finds a man he fancies more. It's only like any other affair except that the injured party and the third party have non-matching genitalia.

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:34:52

I was once kissed by a man who had no interest in women since coming out 10 years earlier... Took him by surprise as much as anyone else!

MirandaWest Sat 20-Apr-13 22:36:14

I think it is a continuum (think most things are tbh). So I think the likelihood of a completely homosexual or completely heterosexual person is fairly unlikely.

I would identify myself as heterosexual but would not completely dislike the idea of some experimentation with women. Suppose I could call myself bisexual but to me that is more of an equal bias rather than my definite leanings.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:37:10

I know she's likely kidding herself, but says that how then can she feels this magnetic attraction which feels like its mutual? IME with men, the attarction is rarely one-sided, but gay men could be diff cattle of fish.

Mumsy, he is known as gay and (I met him) makes open remarks about passing men, i.e. comments that one is beautiful etc. But it's not reallly on to just ask him whether he's also bi, it would surprise people if anything. Yet she's tortured whether to let him know or stay well away. He may well be guessing btw, but who knows.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 22:38:48

I think your 'friend' should stick to really nice pets....the gay bloke doesn't fancy her.

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:40:55

Look. How many times have you known a situation where, say, a girl that is good friends with a guy (or the other way round) feels that there is more to their relationship... But the guy (or girl if the other way round!) doesn't feel it?

It's the same thing.

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:41:01

I did have a friend once who was besotted with a friend of hers who she worried was gay. When I met him, I was convinced a) that he was definitely gay and b) he wasn't interested in her. It didn't stop her infatuation, and it didn't stop her thinking it might be mutual (it clearly wasn't, although he liked her as a friend).

Just keep well away, if it is meant to be, and he's around in your social circle/colleagues then it will happen, if not, he can't be feeling the attraction that much.

I do think not all deep attractions are sexual though, which is why she may be confused.

i would trust he'd make his move if he was interested.

MintyyAeroEgg Sat 20-Apr-13 22:43:08

Believe it or not, its mostly about the mental connection than what kind of genitals you have when it comes to sexuality.

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:43:35

I don't understand how you can conclude that men (straight) will ALWAYS be reciprocal in the whole attraction thing.

Does that mean I can pull George Clooney? I'd quite like to [smike]

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:44:02

OR smile !!

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:45:30

ginhag, did it go anywhere? and if not, is it because you weren't interested, or that he couldn't go beyond a kiss.
Imo kissing the opposite sex (sometimes) isn't that big a deal, especially if people had a drink and really like each other. It can be fooling around, but going further is serious, esp with mature people.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:46:00

sorry I meant kissing same sex people

AdoraBell Sat 20-Apr-13 22:46:29

A lot of gay people feel they should be straight, because of society's expectations and the pressure from those expectations. I have known a couple of men who realised they were gay in later life. One when his 1st grandchild was born, one after his second marriage broke down. I have also heard gay men speaking on TV, Internet etc, about the pressure to get married and have children, and how they really tried to be straight, to fit in. So I don't buy the suddenly turned gay theme that you see sometimes. In fact a family member put outrageous amounts of pressure on her son to get married, after he came out. He does find women repellent but I think that's a mummy thing with him rather than a sexuality issue.

To answer the OP, I have no idea, you'd have to ask every gay man in order to find out.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:46:43

Lovingfreedom, so funny about sticking to nice pets! grin

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