Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

affair heartbreak but dont know how to stop it

(63 Posts)
posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 16:59:52

Hi new here, and desparately wanted to come on and post, as i think someone may have some understanding and advice i am too confused at the moment to cope with really harsh critisim, though know i deserve it.
I am in sexless marriage, have been together 19 yrs, DH is nice man and great father to dds. But he just is asexual, as i hit 40 i lost weight, became more confident, wanted more i guess , he likes our staid dull life in the country andi want interseting travel, cities, people. So i did something i am not proud off and i understand if people want to flame me...but anyway i will say ...i met OM through an online site for married people ( i have now read some of the posters on here who found their husbands doing this and i realise how truely awful i have been). Suffice to say i just wanted some fun, some escapism, etc. And then we fell in love, well we thought we did. Fast forward 18 months , we were besotted, OM was always much more emotionally involved than me, he drove that side of things. At christmas time he started joking about us being together forever....i did wonder were this was going , as up until then we had both been adamant we would not break up our stable families. Neither of us bad mouthed our spouses, but occassionally i got comments about his wife which led me to believe she was very needy and he didnt get much time to relax do stuff he wanted etc. he works very long hrs, is extreamly successful, and she likes the lifestyle that gives. There is a lot more but i might give away who we are in RL , i dont know if she reads this stuff. So we get seen out having a drink by someone who knows them, that person tells his wife. It was only a drink....but wife goes ballistic and he tells all....including how we met ...i dont know why he didnt try to do damage limitation . She threw him out but he was leaving that day to go away for a week on business, cue a week of heartfelt emails back and forth , he was contemplating leaving , would i - yes....but the kids...in the end he went home, she took him back. That was 7 weeks ago, after the first weekend i emailed him and said i was walking away, we both needed that, he wanted to do the right thing for his family and me mine, and i wanted him to be happy. It was the hardest thing i have done, he lasted 36 hrs before was back in touch, and since we have been tooing and froing, hot cold txts and emails, i have tried stopping and he just reels me back in with a cute txt , and then off he goes again being cold and distant and then loving and fun. so enough i decide and ask to meet him...that is ignored ...it reached a head last week, he was away and i went to meet him. He emailed me the night before, saying he realised his behaviour had hurt me , he was sorry, he had been to councelling etc with wife, knows he doesnt want a divorce as doesnt want his children affected. no mention of loving wife but for 4 weeks hasnt said he loves me either. In the email he lays out the 2 options to us, one we continue to have a realtionship or find a way to, but this will be hard as he is being scrutinised , and asked questions all the time, it would be with a
" different intensity and different emotions etc etc for the time being "
and he could see that would be hard for both of us but mostly me . or we walk away which he said he feared would be too hurtful for both of us, and he really wanted the first option. So i went to him, we spent the night togther but it was odd, we had sex but it wasnt like before, it felt cold and functional, he held me for a bit and then i said " that was a bit crap" and we smiled and laughed , then we got talking , really really talking, we laughed as well and it was nice. He told me he had changed, how he could see the man he was 2 yrs ago is not the man he wants to be, he just cant figure out what kind of man he does want to be, he told me how hard life was at home, we were not looking for sympathy, we both acknowledged what we did has devastated someone else. he said it was still hour by hour stuff...and he just doesnt know what the future holds, he told me how hard he finds it to hear me being described in some unpleasent ways by his wife and how he tries to answers her questions without destroying all our memories despite this causing a lot of problems, but he could not answer my question that if he was jumping through all the hoops, trying to do everything he could to make it work at home why was he still wanting a relationship with me ? and it couldnt be just the sex, because if we do continue we will be months and months before we can spend time together again like that. But in all this he never said once what his feelings for me are, wether he has any ? wether he still loves me a bit, wether he misses me etc. However this man is very emotionally closed usually , and last 7 weeks must have been hell, so i can understand a bit. so the next morning we had sex again, and it was ok, and then we showered etc, and after i left he sent a txt saying " i dont know what to say except thankyou". i was vile back said some horribly things, but he kept txting all day and all day yesterday, funny chatty ones, but didnt give up and eventually i txted back and off we go again. I know this is really long , sorry, but i just dont know what to do ...i really contemplated leaving for him and him for me but in the end we didnt ....even though we both say we could see we would be fabulous together , we just couldnt do it to all our children, we both could see that also a lot of the feelings when you are in an affair are just due the dopamine levels in your brain being high and arent real feelings, i have never lived with him, never had to pick up his socks ....i said this and he laughed and got out of bed on wednesday night and picked up all my clothes, and hung up my dress....and said " there i can do it for you". basically mumsnetters i dont know how to stop this....i dont really know what he is thinking...am i just a back up plan if his marriage fails ? If a marriage is going to break up because of an affair how long does that take ? when do spouses get over it ? I am worried his wife will change and he will fall back in love with her ...and i will get hurt all over again....you can judge me if you like but i am struggling so hard with my hurt, his hurt, his wifes hurt, i am really not a bad person . so advice whatever it is.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 18:47:09

If all that was wrong with your marriage, and you knew it, the sensible and kind thing (for both you and H) is to end it or mend it.

It's never a justification for an affair, and it inevitably leads to more pain. And just because your H hasn't found out, doesn't make your nastiness any less real. For an affair is an extremely nasty thing to do. As you might realise more fully from his reaction if he discovers it.

You probably need to leave both men, and have a lengthy period with no man around at all, whilst you sort yourself out.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 18:49:47
posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:52:25

how would you suggest mending something like your husband deciding unilaterally your marriage is going to be celibate ?
i have tried really nicely to suggest we see the doctor, wether he would like to talk to someone about it etc, but all i get is " no it doesnt bother me"
as i have a said all i have read this afternoon has made me swiftly realise what i need to do about OM, but i am sorry i really didnt mean to be nasty, i got caught up in something which i know now is wrong.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:54:13

Poppy, if he refuses to mend it, then you end it, and say to him, "I want sex and intimacy, and i will find someone who kind give that to me". If you try and end it, it might give him the kick up the arse.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:58:41

scaevola - fantastic site - had quick look, will make it a target to read a bit everyday , and to get the books on my kindle.
i will write in my journal tonight with some other targets , one day of no contact = take kids for pizza, ect and one of them will be have another conversation with my dh about sex . might make that at the 28 day of no contact point as do not want to go running back to OM ....

piratecat Sat 20-Apr-13 19:01:11

well you shouldn't have to stay in a sexless marriage.

Talk to your dh.

Tell him about the affair.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 19:11:23

hi piratecat,

i have thought very hard about that, there is another post somewere were i read about wether telling is a good idea or not.
a huge part of me wants to, i guess though that is aboutme wanting to relieve myself of this huge burden of mixed up, messed up emotion, but i dont feel that is fair to dh. the other reason though is it might be a catalyst to either separate ( i dont really want to for my childrens sake and the fact i have a relatively happy stable marriage, just no sex) or for him to address issues or maybe we work out an arrangement for an open marriage - but tbh i thought before that i could have a harmess bit of fun sex and look what happened !!!

posy it's not wrong to want sex and intimacy in a marriage and it's grossly unfair for your h to just decide to take that off the table.

You wouldn't be wrong to end your marriage if he is opposed to fixing it.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 19:28:34

I said "mend it or end it". As it seems you do not want to mend it, then ending your marriage is what you need to do. It would have been better to do this before your affair (and had you been free you might have found someone considerably nicer than the OM you're describing).

But looking back with the blessing of hindsight doesn't help you now. As you see your marriage as irreparable, then you need to look at ending it.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 19:50:32

posy nobody has said you should stay in a sexless marriage

I think you should end your marriage

but stop fucking about with lowlifes and potentially ruining other people's lives

you won't feel better for it, in the long run

end your marriage with some dignity, and quit shagging shaggers

EllaFitzgerald Sat 20-Apr-13 20:18:37

You may not be a bad person but your behaviour is pretty awful and I'm struggling to have much sympathy for you.

You hit 40 and decided you wanted a bit of excitement, while still keeping hold of the security of your marriage and your home life. You purposely chose to enter into a relationship with someone you knew was married with children and you chose to believe him when he intimated that he didn't get much freedom (although he clearly had enough freedom to be carrying on with you!) You've fallen for his claims that his wife is with him for the lifestyle he gives her and you're asking "when do spouses get over it?" I suspect his wife wouldn't be too impressed with your claim that you're struggling with her pain too!

He's already had an opportunity to be with you when his wife chucked him out but he chose to go back to her. The best advice I can give you is change your mobile number and your email address, delete his contact details and, if you don't want to be with your husband anymore then leave him and be by yourself until you believe that you're good enough to be someone's first choice and not their stand by.

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 20:36:13

I reckon a few of these chancers on married dating sites lie about their wives finding out and use it as an excuse to 'cool things' a bit with an OW who's getting a bit over-involved.

Let's face it, you can hardly 'prove' a single thing he's saying can you OP? You've only got his word for it that his wife found out, just like you've only got his word for anything that ever came out of his mouth.

I also think these blokes probably casually drop a bit of info about their wives and the OW run with it, embellish it and add info to suit their own purposes. So a bloke mentions they've got a gardener, his wife's got a driver and she's a SAHM - and the OW turns it into his wife being a needy lazybones who's running the poor ickle man ragged. hmm

OP maybe your husband's on one of these sites too eh? I mean, he's telling you he doesn't want sex....and you've run with that and concluded that he's 'asexual' and that it isn't personal.

Maybe you've both got these secrets?

theboutiquemummy Sat 20-Apr-13 20:41:07

you had an affair and your normal life by the sounds of it lacks drama and sizzling sex

What makes you think your Husband doesn't know what's going on or that he doesn't hanker for some excitement ?

Here's what I know marriages don't fail in isolation it takes two in all things, you blame your husband for you having an affair and then it's all about the OM. Where is the you in all this ? You seem to have gone from one extreme to the next

What do you want ?

Decide take control of Your life what happens in it is up to you ?

And if you don't love your Husband have the respect that he deserves after 19 years of marriage and let him find someone who truly values him

As for OM worry about you first

Good luck

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now