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affair heartbreak but dont know how to stop it

(63 Posts)
posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 16:59:52

Hi new here, and desparately wanted to come on and post, as i think someone may have some understanding and advice i am too confused at the moment to cope with really harsh critisim, though know i deserve it.
I am in sexless marriage, have been together 19 yrs, DH is nice man and great father to dds. But he just is asexual, as i hit 40 i lost weight, became more confident, wanted more i guess , he likes our staid dull life in the country andi want interseting travel, cities, people. So i did something i am not proud off and i understand if people want to flame me...but anyway i will say ...i met OM through an online site for married people ( i have now read some of the posters on here who found their husbands doing this and i realise how truely awful i have been). Suffice to say i just wanted some fun, some escapism, etc. And then we fell in love, well we thought we did. Fast forward 18 months , we were besotted, OM was always much more emotionally involved than me, he drove that side of things. At christmas time he started joking about us being together forever....i did wonder were this was going , as up until then we had both been adamant we would not break up our stable families. Neither of us bad mouthed our spouses, but occassionally i got comments about his wife which led me to believe she was very needy and he didnt get much time to relax do stuff he wanted etc. he works very long hrs, is extreamly successful, and she likes the lifestyle that gives. There is a lot more but i might give away who we are in RL , i dont know if she reads this stuff. So we get seen out having a drink by someone who knows them, that person tells his wife. It was only a drink....but wife goes ballistic and he tells all....including how we met ...i dont know why he didnt try to do damage limitation . She threw him out but he was leaving that day to go away for a week on business, cue a week of heartfelt emails back and forth , he was contemplating leaving , would i - yes....but the kids...in the end he went home, she took him back. That was 7 weeks ago, after the first weekend i emailed him and said i was walking away, we both needed that, he wanted to do the right thing for his family and me mine, and i wanted him to be happy. It was the hardest thing i have done, he lasted 36 hrs before was back in touch, and since we have been tooing and froing, hot cold txts and emails, i have tried stopping and he just reels me back in with a cute txt , and then off he goes again being cold and distant and then loving and fun. so enough i decide and ask to meet him...that is ignored ...it reached a head last week, he was away and i went to meet him. He emailed me the night before, saying he realised his behaviour had hurt me , he was sorry, he had been to councelling etc with wife, knows he doesnt want a divorce as doesnt want his children affected. no mention of loving wife but for 4 weeks hasnt said he loves me either. In the email he lays out the 2 options to us, one we continue to have a realtionship or find a way to, but this will be hard as he is being scrutinised , and asked questions all the time, it would be with a
" different intensity and different emotions etc etc for the time being "
and he could see that would be hard for both of us but mostly me . or we walk away which he said he feared would be too hurtful for both of us, and he really wanted the first option. So i went to him, we spent the night togther but it was odd, we had sex but it wasnt like before, it felt cold and functional, he held me for a bit and then i said " that was a bit crap" and we smiled and laughed , then we got talking , really really talking, we laughed as well and it was nice. He told me he had changed, how he could see the man he was 2 yrs ago is not the man he wants to be, he just cant figure out what kind of man he does want to be, he told me how hard life was at home, we were not looking for sympathy, we both acknowledged what we did has devastated someone else. he said it was still hour by hour stuff...and he just doesnt know what the future holds, he told me how hard he finds it to hear me being described in some unpleasent ways by his wife and how he tries to answers her questions without destroying all our memories despite this causing a lot of problems, but he could not answer my question that if he was jumping through all the hoops, trying to do everything he could to make it work at home why was he still wanting a relationship with me ? and it couldnt be just the sex, because if we do continue we will be months and months before we can spend time together again like that. But in all this he never said once what his feelings for me are, wether he has any ? wether he still loves me a bit, wether he misses me etc. However this man is very emotionally closed usually , and last 7 weeks must have been hell, so i can understand a bit. so the next morning we had sex again, and it was ok, and then we showered etc, and after i left he sent a txt saying " i dont know what to say except thankyou". i was vile back said some horribly things, but he kept txting all day and all day yesterday, funny chatty ones, but didnt give up and eventually i txted back and off we go again. I know this is really long , sorry, but i just dont know what to do ...i really contemplated leaving for him and him for me but in the end we didnt ....even though we both say we could see we would be fabulous together , we just couldnt do it to all our children, we both could see that also a lot of the feelings when you are in an affair are just due the dopamine levels in your brain being high and arent real feelings, i have never lived with him, never had to pick up his socks ....i said this and he laughed and got out of bed on wednesday night and picked up all my clothes, and hung up my dress....and said " there i can do it for you". basically mumsnetters i dont know how to stop this....i dont really know what he is thinking...am i just a back up plan if his marriage fails ? If a marriage is going to break up because of an affair how long does that take ? when do spouses get over it ? I am worried his wife will change and he will fall back in love with her ...and i will get hurt all over again....you can judge me if you like but i am struggling so hard with my hurt, his hurt, his wifes hurt, i am really not a bad person . so advice whatever it is.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:01:33

xales - i agree , it is about me, it is about me trying to find some practical help in doing the right thing, at least i can see that i have to, it doesnt make it an easier .
As for what you said about his wife, well actually you are wrong, she doesnt work, yet they have to have a nanny, she wont drive were they live as the roads are too busy so he pays for her to have a driver , at weekends he drives kids around to stuff because of point above. he pays for cleaner and gardener as she doesnt want to do it. No justification for my behaviour but things are not always what they appear.

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 18:02:25

so HE says posy, what evidence do you have that this is the truth ?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 18:03:12

X posted. So your question is not how to walk away, it's about getting permission to carry on? There's nothing you can do OP. When you meet guys on NSA websites they are generally looking for NSA sex. Your options are to carry on your NSA affair with him, if he's still interested. Or end it. He was never on love with you. You were the latest in a line of NSA sexual partners.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:03:33

Maybe so, but Poppy you have no right to judge their marriage, he must get something out of it to stay, and you are certainly not the only woman hes met online and you wont be the last.

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 18:04:09

Oops sorry - just read you don't want to leave o/m.
All I can say then is good luck x

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 18:05:07

The wife is always mental, depressed, frigid, lazy, fat, unreasonable...and she never understands him!

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:05:23

Hope its protected sex OP, otherwise you might want to go to an STI Clinic.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:06:24

Freedom, same old line isnt it, hes definitely read the script.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:08:40

thats true lemonstartree
and thankyou to you and others who have said nicer things, i feel a bit more supported in doing the right thing.
It is indeed cake and eat it situation for both him and me , and that has got to stop, because he has got to go and try to make things right for his wife or if he doesnt want to he has to separate, but that has got to be up to him . i am making things worse for her by being available to him as an option.
If i stop it now, no contact , well he can then do whatever is right for him. which i think we all know is staying with wife.
i feel just with the little positive support some of you have shown , i can do this.
so on a practical note, do i write to him saying this or do i just ignore all further emails or txts ?
I know most of you think i am awful and a bad person, but i am not, i just got into a stupid mess and was thoughtless and selfish and now i want to stop being that person. So would it be the "nice" civilised thingto do to let him know ?

Xales Sat 20-Apr-13 18:09:31

Things aren't what they appear?

He signs up for extra marital sex. He has it. His wife thinks they are trying again. He is still fucking you. Of course what you know of his marriage from him is 100% honest and truthful. hmm You are questioning if he could fall back in love with his wife.

Appears dirty and sordid to me.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:11:00

Poppy is best to disengage, no warning, you give him warning, he'll only try a new tactic to charm you back in, delete his number and dont reply.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 18:11:16

Sorry but yes, a script too hackneyed for Corrie I'm afraid. OP I do sympathise with you a bit cos you have fallen hook, line and sinker for one of the oldest cons going. Admit you've been taken for a fool...and move on.

Do the decent thing by your DH too. If he's too boring to stay with then dump him politely. Stop lying to him.

Do you have kids?

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:12:31

reading what you all just said about him - oh god, i have been a naive idiot havent I ?
he said he loved me, did the most amzingly romantic things, bought me gorgeous presents , it went on for 18 months, incredible things he did, once driving 3 hrs out of his way from one home to his other home just to take me for a 20 minute coffee.....and i thought it all meant something more than it did...
and in answer to a point severla of you raised, i am his third affair, but the only one his wife knows about.
i wish i had come on here weeks ago...even with the harsh comments it has been helpful

NotConnie Sat 20-Apr-13 18:12:53

Thanks for that lemon I was having problems scrolling and couldn't follow the original.

OP, I think you need to end it right now, and the first thing to do to get over it is stop all contact with him. Every time you get a 'cute text' he is just reeling you back in. He's seen how easy it is to get you back where he wants you whenever he snaps his fingers.
Stop all contact with him immediately, block his email address, block his mobile number if you can (I believe there are apps for that).
Then you need to take a good look at your marriage.

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 18:13:56

Posy, we'll support you - I'm just not sure what to say?
I'll get a few wine in & maybe the ideas will come flowing in.

NotConnie Sat 20-Apr-13 18:14:30

Sorry cross post hadn't seen the most recent. His third affair? This guy is a piece of work isn't he? His poor wife. Please dump immediately.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:15:55

Poppy, if your were honest with your DH, you might actually get somewhere and getting a bit more enjoyment from your life than a cheap, vile, cheating man. You know you deserve more than to be the OW.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:16:14

yes i have 2 dds, i do look at them and think how could i have thought in a million years about leaving to be with this man.
I honestly thought at the time, we would all live happily ever after , his children, mine , it would be a wonderful blended family.
and the worse thing is , i am intelligent, a professional , confident woman....bloody hell what a fool.
for thelast 7 weeks even my best friend hasnt been able to make me see what you ladies have in 1 hr ...

You're his third affair and by no means his last.

He doesn't care about you. You're an easy shag.

Gather up the remnants of your dignity and walk away.

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 18:23:26

Blimey, he really saw you coming didn't he? shock

You hear about these doozies that believe a load of rubbish about other women, but it's amazing to see it in print.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 18:24:48

You have been very lucky his wife didn't tell your H and you got thrown out on your arse

I suspect his wife knows he can't keep it in his trousers, and she feels sorry for you as just another stupid little deluded woman taken in by this Charming Man

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 18:25:07

It was a fantasy and you got caught up in it. You weren't the first/won't be the last...blah blah.

Put your energy into your kids for a while and like others have said, take a look at your marriage. If you think it's over, then take steps to end it. Don't line up some OM first and keep well away from the NSA sites.

Do not...contact OM again. Not for old times, not to say goodbye, not to be polite.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 18:25:42

You are also going to have to face up to sorting out you marriage. Your DH will have noticed a change in you, but may not have worked out why. What you thought of as an "improved you" was probably no such thing at all.

If you are really that unhappy, the answer most emphatically is not to shag a man as dreadful as the one you've described. It's to rediscover yourself and then make the necessary changes.

Please be kind to DH though. He doesn't deserve the situation he's in. It may hurt him in the short term, but his happiness probably lies with someone else, who will appreciate him exactly as he is.

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 18:32:03

Look into your husbands eyes, & your children's, when they find out what's been going on & their world comes crashing down - look at their pain & ask yourself if the affair was worth it.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:36:21

i know that having an affair was not kind to my dh but he has refused to have any intimacy with me for 5 yrs and will not discuss, seek help or infact seems to mind this. I do mind, i like sex. there is nothing wrong in that. at the beginning i thought that i could compartmentalise my affair, i never intended to get so involved, i honestly thought it would be harmess fun, and fulfill that need for me. I was not nasty to my dh, i work extreamly hard to provide financially, support his needs and wants, my dh likes doing stuff like hiking etc, i am always supportiv eof him wanting to go off and do stuff with friends , and i do the most of the organising family type stuff. I know now none of that justifys wrecking this man's wife's life, honestly i didnt realise at beginning what could happen, and yes i guess i was acting selfishly.
you could ask why i havent left my dh - if i want something he wont give me - well the rest of our relationship is good, we are like close friends...i guess i need to give it some time to get over OM and then think about what i do about my marriage.

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