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Is this ok?

(82 Posts)
gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 13:55:18

I have been struggling with a very low libido for quite a while now and have no interest in intimacy or sex at all.

I can't figure out exactly what's causing it - I have a stressful full time job and a ds so am totally knackered at the end of the day and I don't sleep well either so that doesn't help.

Dh and I have been through a rough patch and he has done some things that have shocked me and frightened me in terms of bad arguments. He has never hit me but can be verbally abusive and throws things around, shouting a lot and has threatened to kill himself etc.

However, he has settled down a lot and most of this is in the past and he has worked really hard on it. Every now and again when he gets frustrated he might call me names but apologises very quickly.

I think that what has happened in the past has affected my libido because I was scared of him tbh. I can't seem to move on or forget it and it's causing big problems.

The main point of posting is to get some opinions on what is acceptable in terms of touching and intimacy. For example, during the day he will come up to me and touch my breasts etc and I am uncomfortable with this. He likes a lot of cuddles and affection and quite often makes sexual remarks during the day. For example, he will call me "hot" and it's the last thing I feel as I am overweight and I think I am very unattractive. It actually irritates me when he starts saying nice things about me! I don't know why. I feel in no way like a sexual being and actually don't want to be. I know this is not right. I hate it all. When we wake up in the morning, he just touches my boobs and I hate it.

He says he wants a nice romantic evening and I actually don't know what that is. I sound really pathetic. I have felt quite depressed recently and withdrawing into myself. I crave time on my own a lot and I can't be bothered to talk or anything. I know I'm being really cold and I know it's driving him crazy.

He might send me some sexual texts out of the blue and I can't bear it because it means nothing to me.

What do you think?

gropey Sun 21-Apr-13 21:00:21

Hi everyone and thanks for your messages today.

Well we had a long talk and I was brutally honest with him. He took it quite well and said he understood. I told him that sex was off the agenda completely and that all the touching and sex talk had to stop. He said that he would stop.

We talked about splitting up and he said he would go if I wanted him to. He then said that he would have to give his business up if we split which made me really angry. It felt like emotional blackmail and I told him that I was not responsible for him and his choices.

He seemed to get it and I made it very clear that his past behaviour was inexcusable no matter how frustrated he felt.

He is now feeling upset and Air suspect a bit sorry for himself. I have warned him that one more name call and it's finished.

I still feel really low and don't want to talk much. I think I will go to the doctor for a review on my ad's.

I need to stop looking at other people and feeling like a failure. It's like a background soundtrack to my everyday life and it's a horrible feeling. I feel like I've wrecked my life. Sorry for all the self pitying crap.

You've all made me see what's going on and helped with a way forward. Lets see how long it all lasts.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 21:07:42

Keep in touch, love

You sound lovely

You have been very clear with him, and if he lets you down it isn't your fault it would be because he cannot step up to being a decent partner

One more name call and he is out. Make sure you stick to that. Empty threats really do put you further back than you ever were before, if you do not follow through

Take care x

BicBiro Sun 21-Apr-13 21:25:26

hi gropey, well done instigating a conversation and making yourself heard.

i really hope he gets it this time.

be kind to yourself. and we'll still be here if and when you need to chat.

peacefuleasyfeeling Sun 21-Apr-13 22:38:58

Good evening, Gropey. Well done, those were big things you addressed with your partner in one sitting! You seem, despite feeling low, very clear about how you want to move ahead. I hope your talk with your GP is fruitful.

For what it's worth, I realised I missed making the point yesterday that your partner will only truly feel OK if he himself puts in the work to look at himself and his "stuff" (most appropriately done in a therapeutic context) and that any "making it alright" that you might provide is only a sticky-plaster and will not even touch the sides of the kind of self-loathing I imagine is fuelling his behaviour. So all the more reason to let him shoulder this responsibility himself.

Much love to you.

Fluffymonster Sun 21-Apr-13 22:49:20

Hi gropey - very glad you've tried to talk to him.

Whether he really will take it on board is another matter - I think you're right - right now, he will be upset and probably feeling sorry for himself. Don't give in to any emotional blackmail - it's just smoke and mirrors.

If he's smart, he will be super nice for a while, which is very typical. It will be interesting what happens when he gets tired of that though.

If you do go to the doctor's - perhaps it might be an idea to ask if you could be referred for counselling, to talk about the trust and intimacy issues?

Or maybe look into some cognitive behavioural therapy?

I've not had experience of it myself, but know people who have, who said that CBT can be very effective in helping to them counteract that constant negative self-talk.

Of course you're not a 'failure' - at least, no more than anyone else. But it must be very difficult if you can't believe that, and how draining, to have that going on in your head all the time! It doesn't have to be like that.

Anyway - take care, and there are always people here if you need to talk.

GreyWhites Tue 23-Apr-13 13:07:43

That's brilliant Gropey. I think being clear and being firm about your boundaries is a good start.

The suggestion of making a visit to the doctor's is a good one. Write down the things you want to say before you go so you don't get flustered and forget. It's worth mentioning your low sex drive, as the ADs don't help and some ADs are worse than others in this regard. That's not to say there aren't lots of other very good psychological reasons why you're not interested in sex right now, but making sure there are no pharmaceutical blocks to this will help get you work slowly back to a position where you might be able to consider it with less indifference.

When my partner was on ADs we hardly ever had sex and when we did it was awful. Eventually he told me that he couldn't face sex and the idea of touching or any intimacy (eg kissing, hugs, sitting together, anything) with me disgusted him. Obviously that was horrible for me to hear but at least he was honest. Once he was no longer depressed and off his ADs, his sex drive returned to normal. So don't fear that your sex drive is gone forever or that your relationship with your partner will never be intimate. He just has to be patient with you. If he really loves you, he will be.

Lueji Tue 23-Apr-13 13:30:26

That's really good indeed. smile

Just make sure that you stick to those boundaries.

Sadly, I suspect he'll push them. But fingers crossed. smile

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