Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this ok?

(82 Posts)
gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 13:55:18

I have been struggling with a very low libido for quite a while now and have no interest in intimacy or sex at all.

I can't figure out exactly what's causing it - I have a stressful full time job and a ds so am totally knackered at the end of the day and I don't sleep well either so that doesn't help.

Dh and I have been through a rough patch and he has done some things that have shocked me and frightened me in terms of bad arguments. He has never hit me but can be verbally abusive and throws things around, shouting a lot and has threatened to kill himself etc.

However, he has settled down a lot and most of this is in the past and he has worked really hard on it. Every now and again when he gets frustrated he might call me names but apologises very quickly.

I think that what has happened in the past has affected my libido because I was scared of him tbh. I can't seem to move on or forget it and it's causing big problems.

The main point of posting is to get some opinions on what is acceptable in terms of touching and intimacy. For example, during the day he will come up to me and touch my breasts etc and I am uncomfortable with this. He likes a lot of cuddles and affection and quite often makes sexual remarks during the day. For example, he will call me "hot" and it's the last thing I feel as I am overweight and I think I am very unattractive. It actually irritates me when he starts saying nice things about me! I don't know why. I feel in no way like a sexual being and actually don't want to be. I know this is not right. I hate it all. When we wake up in the morning, he just touches my boobs and I hate it.

He says he wants a nice romantic evening and I actually don't know what that is. I sound really pathetic. I have felt quite depressed recently and withdrawing into myself. I crave time on my own a lot and I can't be bothered to talk or anything. I know I'm being really cold and I know it's driving him crazy.

He might send me some sexual texts out of the blue and I can't bear it because it means nothing to me.

What do you think?

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 16:23:23

GreyWhites, yes I have been on ad's for years and this could have a bearing on my libido. At the beginning of our relationship it was all ok. Tbh I think unwanted or unexpected sexual touching is really not good for me.

I always used to feel that I was just wanted for my sexual parts if that makes sense. I tried to hide them when I was a teenager as I didn't want to be noticed. I think that's why I stay overweight because I don't want to appear sexually attractive.

I have had counselling to work through the abuse which has helped. I think the effect of it is hardwired in my brain - it was a family member but my parents still don't know and I will never tell them. Thankfully, I don't have to see this family member anymore. I just feel ruined really.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 16:27:11

"What I want to know is how other couples do the sexual thing, ie is there any sexual stuff during the day or comments made. I have lost sight of what is normal."

What is normal for other people is probably not that relevant to your situation. If you have a history of abuse then I think it follows that you need to fully trust and feel comfortable with your partner in order to be able to engage with them sexually. Much moreso than anyone else. You're reading it as having a fragile libido... I'm reading it that you're someone that needs a huge amount of reassurance... which you're not getting. In that context a partner that paws your boobs and expects you to turn on like a light-switch is really getting it horribly wrong. Getting angry and calling you names like 'frigid cow' when you turn him down is also getting it horribly wrong and making a difficult situation even worse.

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 16:27:32

AF that has crossed my mind. he really has changed though and I still can't move on.

If I push him away he gets offended and hurt and sometimes it's easier just to get on with it so that there is no upset. I feel the freak tbh.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 16:28:32

FWIW... why would you never tell your parents?

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 16:28:50

So you are modifying your own behaviour and walking on eggshells to keep the peace ?

That doesn't sound like an acceptable way to live

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 16:31:13

Cogito, that is a really good way of looking at it - I hadn't considered it that way. I don't like him touching me unexpectedly and he needs to expect that. He has been on the whole really understanding about it all and says he wants me to feel comfortable and not do anything I don't want to do. However, continued rejection of someone is not good for them.

I'm not sure if I can have a sexual relationship with him again but that cannot do that to him as it's not fair on him. I can't expect him to live a life without sex.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 16:31:29

If 'just to get on with it' means having sex with him to keep the peace, that's really going to damage you.

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 16:33:34

Cogito - it would destroy them if I told them what happened as they allowed this person to babysit. My dad would fall to pieces. I have held it all these years. I have avoided and missed family parties, funerals etc without being able to explain the real reasons why. Luckily, my parents are not in touch with him anymore.

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 16:34:55

Cogito, I have sometimes 'got on with it' but don't do it now as he doesn't want me to and always knows and makes it stop - he is very sensitive in that way and is horrified if he thinks I am not into it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 16:35:10

There wouldn't be continued rejection if he what he says about making you feel comfortable was actually the truth. He's saying one thing but then doing the opposite and calling you names into the bargain. If you've been abused in the past and... using an old-fashioned but apt word... 'violated' then this unwanted sexual attention from someone who claims to want you to feel comfortable is just the same thing over again.

I'd really stop worrying about what's fair for him and start working out what's best for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 16:36:07

So it's better for you to fall to pieces than your parents to know the truth? Do you have children yourself? If one of them was hurt, wouldn't you want to know rather than think they'd taken it all on themselves?

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 16:38:27

Yes I have dc and yes I would want to know. But it was so long ago nothing good can come of my parents knowing now. I wish I hadn't held it all in for all these years because I think it has gone a long way to messing my life up. It stays with you forever and that's just the way it is. It can't be undone.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 16:40:11

OP, your partner is being completely contradictory

he says he "never wants to make you feel uncomfortable" but then touches you up when you don't like it, calls you a "frigid cow" and guilts you into sleeping with him so he doesn't feel "rejected"

He's a manipulator

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 16:43:33

A lot of good can come from telling them. Just the acknowlegement that it happened for a start. Keeping a secret as terrible as that one does mess you up because it isolates you and makes you have to tell lies... like all those family events you avoided. You've had to be dishonest, protecting your abuser. Telling a therapist or an anonymous message board is a great step but I think you need to be believed by someone that matters. It's never too late.

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 16:48:56

Cogito you are probably right! Not sure I could deal with it myself and any fall out tbh.

I feel like I can never be happy anyway. I have been through some crap in the past and just feel tainted if that makes sense.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 16:52:46

What exactly do you think would happen to your Dad if you told him the truth? A heart-attack? A drinking bender?... Your parents put this person in a position of trust which they abused. It's not your parents' fault any more than it was your fault. You've all been betrayed by the same person. If your Dad fell to pieces it would be quite a selfish reaction on his part.

Please try to put yourself #1 priority in your own life. You're the most important person, not your parents your husband or your abuser. Not even your children. You deserve peace.

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 16:59:01

Yes, I guess I am worried that my dad would go and sort him out which I wouldn't want at all.

I do deserve peace but, without meaning to sound defeatist or self-pitying, I don't think it's every going to happen. I've been like this for too long.

The truth is that I don't trust any man because my trust has always been thrown back in my face. I sometimes think that I just can't do relationships and that there is something I'm doing to sabotage things. I don't think I'm cut out for a happy relationship - the only happy one I had without problems ended up in him walking out on me one day with not a word of explanation or any warning.

I don't trust anyone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 17:05:52

All you're doing wrong at the moment is thinking that you can't do relationships. It's not wrong to mistrust people when they've shown themselves, like your DH, to be untrustworthy. That's how we survive in life - learning from our experiences and being wary when something feels wrong. Trusting the untrustworthy and being naive can lead to some horrendous problems - don't recommend it. So you're not sabotaging anything, you've just had the bad luck to be partnered up with one person that walked out on you and another that isn't right for you. How is any of that your fault?

If your Dad want's to go and kill this other person, again, that's his decision. What's more important is that you get this terrible secret out in the open where it loses its power. Kept inside you it's making you ill, overweight, self-reproachful and miserable.

BicBiro Sat 20-Apr-13 17:12:33

OP I feel for you so much. you are placing blame on yourself for so much. no one is entitled to sex because they are married. presumable your DH knows your history, so WHY THE FUCK is he touching you up, breaking your boundaries, calling you horrible names????? you're supposed to feel safe with him, not like a failure who won't put out. the desire for sex develops through a loving safe bond with someone - I'm not seeing that in your marriage. this is a horrible selfish man who should be cherishing you after everything you've been through.

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 17:23:20

Cogito, you talk a lot of sense - thank you for talking to me, it's really helping.

I don't know if dh is right for me or not. I think the problems we have had have had a big impact on our relationship. We have had money and job worries and other stuff going on, which doesn't help. He really is lovely most of the time and I know he is struggling with what he has done to me over the last year. I can see it in him. He reacts badly when he feels rejected and this is to do with his own past too. It would destroy him if we split up - it's all so hard.

BicBiro, yes it's not good and it's had a massive effect on me, just don't know what to do.

gropey Sat 20-Apr-13 17:25:18

I've got to go now, dh is back. I will come back on when I can and thanks so much to all of you - I have a lot to think about.

BicBiro Sat 20-Apr-13 17:28:27

you are worrying about your DH's needs, he is worrying about his needs....

who's worrying about your needs?

UrbanGardener01 Sat 20-Apr-13 18:12:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 18:13:43

hmm

Leverette Sat 20-Apr-13 18:14:11

biscuit

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now