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Staying with dh after om

(266 Posts)
GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:03:50

Hi, I posted here yesterday re om dh business etc.

I think I am going to stay with dh and give my marriage another go.

I don't love dh and alot has happened in the 13years we have been together. We have small dcs.

I am going to have to leave my business (with om) and cut all contact with him. I will also become a sahm after working all my adult life.

Please can anyone tell me or give me advice on how to move forwards. I am going to arrange counselling for me then maybe couples if I think it's helping.

Any advice welcome. Thank you x

SirSugar Sat 20-Apr-13 11:51:10

Please please please do not give up your business! I will post more later I am at work now and busy

TheVermiciousKnid Sat 20-Apr-13 11:51:58

My family are telling me to make it work too. The man is the backbone of the family. Apparently.

Bollocks.

Cravingdairy Sat 20-Apr-13 11:52:06

Your children would probably prefer two happy homes to one miserable one. They will know if you are miserable, and it will make them miserable.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 20-Apr-13 11:54:23

No, he won't change. If he was going to at least try and change, he wouldn't be telling you that you categorically cannot work.

Cannot work with the OM, yes. Cannot work at all? No. He wants you to be stuck with him, without your own money, so he can completely control what you buy, where you go and who you see. Which will very soon be no-one, nothing and nowhere. You'll be trapped at home.

Your children already see you and your DH separately. Moving on now won't be a big change for them. They'll adjust quickly, and they'll get two parents who are living and enjoying life. They'll get the best of you both.

He won't change. Go into this with your eyes open, if you must do it at all. He will take away your income, your friends, and you will answer completely to him. You'll have to ask him whenever you want to buy anything, or go anywhere. And you'll go mad, sitting at home, because you can't work or go anywhere.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:59:03

Thank you all so much for your replies.

If I was reading this and giving my advice id say Run!

But I feel very tired now and completely worn down.

Dh txts me obsessively night and day. Once I woke up to 60txts. Out verbal communication has broken down and I guess that's the only way he can get through to me.

He has involved my family too. Told my elderly parents everything.

He just goes on and on and on at me really giving me the emotional blackmail.

But I feel like he has a right to do this as I've lied to him and gone behind his back.

TheVermiciousKnid Sat 20-Apr-13 12:02:28

No, he does not have a right to do this. You were wrong to have an affair, but you are not the only one responsible for the breakdown of your marriage - no doubt he has contributed to this as well.

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 12:03:49

No way is it 'over' with the OM if you say you're still in love with him. It needs to be though.

Look, your best bet is to start facing some home truths.

You had a crap marriage so you felt entitled to an affair with someone who was crapping over his own wife and kids, because you didn't want the responsibility of leaving your marriage and being on your own. Rather than take responsibility for that, you pretended that you believed the OM's lies about his marriage being over - despite his wife's pregnancy (go figure hmm)

Go back to the start of that paragraph. You're still not taking responsibility for your own decisions and you're still making excuses so you don't have to be on your own. Despite your kids having a fucked-up childhood and despite knowing that you don't love their father and this isn't going to work.

Leave both men and be on your own.

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 12:08:20

Have a look at passive-aggressive behaviour incidentally. Passive-aggressive personalities are always martyring themselves, blaming others for their own decisions and they frequently claim to be 'too tired' to communicate, engage or make a decision.

When this marriage collapses again, you'll probably default to 'He made me do it' instead of 'I chose this life'. Passive-aggressives always do that.

piprabbit Sat 20-Apr-13 12:08:39

He doesn't not have a right to do these things or to try an control you. He doesn't have the right to punish you indefinitely.

He has the right to decide what sort of marriage he wants and you have the right to decide if you also want that sort of marriage, or if you want something different for yourself.

It sounds like you are in a very sad, difficult situation but please don't make decisions about your long-term future while you are blaming yourself and thinking you deserve to be punished.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 12:09:45

Try to slow down a bit OP. You don't have to make all the decisions and changes today. Remember that although you might feel like the guilty one given the EA and OM this doesn't mean that your DH gets everything his way.

Demanding you can't work is unreasonable and will be detrimental to everyone in the household.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 12:11:05

Well, yes up to a point. In terms of the OM he is the betrayed one, and a charged emotional response is normal and understandable.

But it is telling that you see this as emotional blackmail (not cries of pain) and when considering your relationship, you see the bad aspects, not something you want to save. Everything you are posting is showing that you know this relationship is not right for you.

But you and only you can make the decision that you want out. No matter how tired and worn down you are, you need to recognise that staying or going is your choice. It's not something that just happens because you think he's wearing you down. It's a choice.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 12:11:18

Are you absolutely MENTAL ?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 12:13:30

FWIW, my reading of this is that the DH is more of a concern than the OM. I'm not that surprised you looked for affection outside the relationship. Not saying carry on with OM. He's married and will only end in tears for everyone...but your marriage sounds awful.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 12:15:33

Badinage- I was very gullible and I believed what om told me. I know I was stupid.

I never had any kind of physical affair with om although that doesn't make it ok of course. I wanted a friend more than anything else and that's what om gave me. Of course now I know what I know, it was a friendship built on lies. From both sides yes.

It will take me a long long time to get past om, I'd planned a future with him. Now it's all gone. But I'm glad that I've been saved from jumping into hell. For my dcs sake not mine.

Moving forwards, I just want my dcs to be happy. Even if I'm not. If I can at least get a friendship going with dh that's a start isn't it.

Maybe I will talk him round into me going back to work.

piprabbit Sat 20-Apr-13 12:19:15

You can be friendly with your H for the sake of co-parenting your children, without being married to him, living with him or being financially dependent on him.

Why only "maybe" talk him round into agreeing to you working? Why not tell him that you will be working?

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 12:20:11

My reading of this is that the OP's behaviour and personality is the biggest concern in all of this.

Y'know, this is what we're all meant to do isn't it?

Loads of shock horror about how awful the H and the OM are and what a terrible life the OP's had - or is going to have if she carries on with this madcap plan.

Me? I feel sorry for the OM's wife and all the kids involved.

OP you weren't gullible or stupid. You were culpable. No way did you believe what the OM was telling you.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 12:21:28

You can earn 5x what your husband does? How the hell will you manage financially if you don't work?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 12:26:54

Oh yeah...don't disagree with that bad. OMs wife really has had the thin end of the wedge...and has no choice in the matter.

Advice to OP from me is leave your husband and leave other people's husbands alone!

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 12:27:05

Badinage, I think I need a break from the Relationships thread, am sick of these manipulative OP's

I think I shall simply post ARE YOU FUCKING MENTAL on everything I see today.

Oh please god, don't do this. Please please please reconsider. It will not benefit your dcs to see you stuck in an unhappy marriage. Your DH will not change, people never really change. It would be a huge mistake to give up your job, your freedom, everything on the basis this man may change.

Having an affair was stupid, yes, but I can understand it. My marriage has survived DH's affair, but believe me it is very hard, and the only reason it works is that we genuinely love each other and are both 100% committed to the relationship. You say you don't love your DH, and he only seems happy when he has total control over you. That cannot work, you will be trapped and unhappy and he will use your transgression to keep a hold over you.

anastaisia Sat 20-Apr-13 12:30:27

Do you not think that's even worse for the kids to learn then groundhog?

That the relationship was odd/awful/strained until one person within the family gave up EVERYTHING else as a sacrifice to keep the family together? Teach them to walk away from unsatisfying relationships instead (while keeping things civil for them)

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 12:33:06

Wish someone had asked me if I was FUCKING MENTAL about 15 years ago...

pigsDOfly Sat 20-Apr-13 12:35:09

I'm reading this OP and I'm trying to feel sympathy for you, but with every new thing you post I keep thinking is this woman for real.

You've made a mistake by getting involved with the OM and now you're wanting to compound that mistake by being a martyr and trying to 'build' a relationship with a man you don't love and who wants to completely control you.

Why do you think this will provide a stable environment for your DC to grow up in?

You clearly have earning power, so can provide for your DC's. You're not happy with your DH, so stop being a victim and get out of your dead marriage and away from the OM.

i possibly need a break too because i'm thinking the OP has zero intention of growing up and taking responsibility for her life. my thought is just jesus poor bloody kids who don't have an adult who'll face difficulty in order to give them a vaguely sane start in life.

i'm sorry OP. this passive, self deprecating approach is an utter cop out and nothing more. you need to sort your issues out and grow a backbone because you're a parent!

Fairylea Sat 20-Apr-13 12:39:02

You do realise you don't have to be with anyone right? You don't even need family who say a man is the central figure of the family! You can do it alone and still have a stable happy family for your dc.

I left my useless ex when dd was 6 months old. She is now 10 years old. Yes bits of it were tough but I don't regret leaving at all. I wasn't myself with him. You don't sound like yourself with dh.

Between then and now I've had lots of adventures ... enjoyed bringing dd up on my own, no one to answer to, I get a break when her dad has her, I also cut ties a bit with my family who didn't really agree with me leaving but I needed to.... I've had a few serious boyfriends, I got to feel in love again and want to have sex again... all those things that make life enjoyable. You only get one life! Dd is happy and well adjusted. No problems at all.

(And ex and I aren't exactly on brilliant terms even now but we are polite for dd).

I now have a new dh who is everything I wanted, committed and caring and totally hands on family man. No drinking no friends no pub. Just me and the kids - we now have ds 10 months too.

Please don't waste the best years of your life stuck with some twunt you don't even love. What a waste. Your kids won't thank you for it.

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