Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Staying with dh after om

(266 Posts)
GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:03:50

Hi, I posted here yesterday re om dh business etc.

I think I am going to stay with dh and give my marriage another go.

I don't love dh and alot has happened in the 13years we have been together. We have small dcs.

I am going to have to leave my business (with om) and cut all contact with him. I will also become a sahm after working all my adult life.

Please can anyone tell me or give me advice on how to move forwards. I am going to arrange counselling for me then maybe couples if I think it's helping.

Any advice welcome. Thank you x

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 11:11:59

You move forwards because you are going in the direction that takes you to where you want to be. What's in it for you, to end a career to be with a man you do not love?

There isn't much hope for a dead relationship, unless you are sure in your own mind that the thing you want most is to reconcile and rebuild a genuinely functioning marriage. It's very hard to achieve post affair. Counselling is a start point in the process, not an end in itself. But perhaps individual counselling will help you sort out those issues.

And, post affair, how sure are you that DH, although presumably now saying he will attempt reconciliation, is actually likely to mean it in the long term? What will you do to heal him, to maximise the chances?

Fleecyslippers Sat 20-Apr-13 11:13:06

Why are you staying with your husband if you don't love him ?
What does your husband want ?

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 11:14:03

This book might be helpful to you now.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:22:28

Scaevola, dh says he loves me and for dcs sake he wants to work things out.

He has said he will not allow me to work until he thinks he can trust me.

He has also promised to draw a line under om and not bring that up again.

I don't love dh as I'm in love with om. But maybe given time I will start to develop feelings for dh?

Dh was a rubbish h and dad. Totally rubbish. And I was lonely and desperate for attention.
But he's changed alot over past year.

He is very controlling though and we have little in common.

I want to give it a shot for dcs sake. They adore him.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:23:53

Fleecy, dh just wants us to be how we were in early days, it before he became a workaholic and forgot me and Dc existed.

I just need to be reassured that slowly in time things will be ok

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:26:25

Ps I will check that book out thank you.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 20-Apr-13 11:27:12

Think about this carefully.

I can understand you wanting to stay with what you know, with what feels 'safest', but this isn't the best decision.

If you give up all work, you'll be completely reliant on a man who is both hurting, and may well be vengeful at some point, and who has a history of violence towards you.

If you must do this, make sure that you are completely happy with financial arrangements, and that you will be able to socialise with other people at some point and get some time to yourself. Because it sounds rather like you are trading your freedom for forgiveness, and your husband is a controlling man.

If, at least, you could keep a job of some description, at least you'd have an escape if you need it, and something that keeps your mind busy. You'll go stir-crazy otherwise.

Be careful.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 11:28:08

Thanks.

But what you still haven't said is what you want You talk about giving it a shot for sake of DC, but what is it ? What do you visualise as the outcome you want from making these changes now? If you do this because it is what DH is telling you to do, you are letting yourself be controlled again. You need to make a positive decision about the next steps in your marriage.

anastaisia Sat 20-Apr-13 11:29:33

They can still adore him without you having to be in a relationship you know. Imagine if a few years down the line, your slightly more mature DCs realise that you've stayed 'for them'. How do you think you'd feel if you discovered you were responsible for a person you love being in a situation that makes them unhappy? Would it make you happy that they'd given up their own life for you or would it induce a hell of a lot of guilt and pressure on the relationship? Children aren't stupid, they'll pick up on the dynamic and see your lack of agency in the relationship - do you want them to mimic it in future relationships? To control their partners or allow them to control them? You say you're staying for the children, but you're actually teaching them about relationships. Why not leave for the children? Teach them that they deserve equal relationships that make them happy and that they don't have to settle and be in a relationship to enjoy life.

CartedOff Sat 20-Apr-13 11:39:26

"He has said he will not allow me to work until he thinks he can trust me."

You say he is very controlling but has changed a lot. I don't think he's changed that much if he's laying down the law on when you are allowed to work. There is so much wrong with that statement. You've done something that is very wrong by having an affair, but PLEASE, don't tell yourself that this makes him being controlling justified in this case.

Giving up work and becoming a stay at home parent until your husband "allows" you to work doesn't sound like it will end well. It will just put you in a very precarious position. Please be careful.

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 11:39:45

I'm hoping no-one will give you any advice about how to stay in your marriage, because you shouldn't.

Neither should you have anything to do with the OM, who has lied for years to you but despite your claim that you believed him, of course you did not. You are not stupid, but you are very poor on taking responsibility for your actions.

You should have the courage to be on your own.

this is utterly insane OP - please look at what you're saying.

you don't love him, he is controlling, a shit husband and father and won't allow you to work (your words) until he says so...

this is a disaster. do not throw away your business and your LIFE on this man. you will not be doing it for the children - how could you staying with a shit husband and father and being miserable and forgoing your independence serve your children???

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:39:58

Caja, thank you for your reply. X

He has stated categorically that he will not allow me to work.

I have potential of earning 5x what he does. He starts work at 4/5pm and finishes between 1am-5am. This has had a massive impact on our family life.

I absolutely cannot justify or excuse om but I was very lonely.

I am really scared of moving forwards without dh. That sounds pathetic I know. The thought of hols, family events days out etc as a family all gone.

I know I will go stir crazy at home.

Is it not worth it for kids to have both parents though under one roof?

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 11:41:15

No and what's more it's not fair to the kids just because you don't want to be on your own and responsible for yourself.

CartedOff Sat 20-Apr-13 11:43:58

"Is it not worth it for kids to have both parents though under one roof?"

Not when it's an unhappy environment where one parent is controlled and the other a bully.

It's sheer madness. You'd be much better off leaving this relationship and keeping your independence and earning power.

Don't stay out of fear of the unknown. I can assure you it's not so bad.

Just because there are two parents in the same home doesn't mean it can't be a toxic environment. Far from it.

Gingerandcocoa Sat 20-Apr-13 11:45:28

I'm all for marriage and pushing through the differences since you've made a commitment, but staying with your DH sounds like a dead end even to me...

Yardley Sat 20-Apr-13 11:46:12

Im not sure that being at home all day (because dh says thats what he will 'allow') is a great idea for helping you get over om.You will have more time to think about him when at home all day-surely its better to be super busy for a while if you really want to get over him-you have to have something else to throw yourself into. Also I think you will resent dh (whom you've said you dont love already) for making you give up your work, which wont help the relationship at all.
I appreciate you are making the choice that you feel is best for the dc's and thats understandable-plenty do it-but dh doesnt sound, from what you've said like he's that great at being a dad or a husband and how happy will you be with a man who is that controlling.Therefore how happy will the dc's be in the end?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 11:46:32

Suggest you don't rush to leave your job even if it is problematic. Try to find another? It's useful to have some financial independence. Also your relationship with your husband is uncertain. You mentioned violence yesterday and you said you don't love him. Advise you to keep options open. Maybe take some time to think through different options? I found talking different options through with a counsellor was invaluable. Different scenario for me...but still really helped in making big and complex decision.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 20-Apr-13 11:47:43

No, GroundHog, it's really not.

Your children won't lose either of their parents. They still get you both. They'll see you separately, fair enough, but they'll also see you happy, and they'll see normal, loving relationships, and they'll get the best of both of you.

If you go back to your husband, you'll be showing them a loveless relationship. Your children learn about relationships by observing yours, and it'll be controlling, and fraught, and loveless. They deserve better than that, and so do you.

I know its hard, and you probably feel very stuck, but staying with your husband will make this harder, not easier. You'll lose your own income, and you'll be stuck.

Of course it's daunting, but it'll be okay. You don't lose family events, days out, holidays: you can still go, and you'll meet someone who makes you feel valued and loved and worthwhile, without being controlling or jealous, and you'll wonder why you ever considered staying.

You husband doesn't want a wife, he wants a slave. He's willing to 'forgive' your affair because it means he'll get complete control of you, and he can quickly put you in a position where you cannot leave. And he knows that you'd rather that than leave - he's relying on your need to have a man around.

You deserve better than this, and so do your children. Your instincts must be screaming at you: listen to them.

TheVermiciousKnid Sat 20-Apr-13 11:47:50

He has stated categorically that he will not allow me to work.

That alone would be an absolute deal breaker for me. In my opinion, allowing or not allowing a partner to do (or not do) something has no place in a relationship.

LisaMed Sat 20-Apr-13 11:49:25

imo it will destroy you.

TheVermiciousKnid Sat 20-Apr-13 11:49:34

I agree with other posters that staying with your husband is not automatically 'worth it for the kids'. And furthermore, it's not just about your kids - you deserve to be happy as well.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:50:10

Scaevola, I just want a happy stable secure home for my dcs.

Anastacia- I have provided a terrible example to dcs re family life so far. It's always been mum v dad. Never anything together. We have separate rooms. Dc does things with them on his two nights off and during wkend afternoon. Rest of the time they are with me at home. I want to be able to start doing things as a family now.

Carted off- I know your right but I can't blame dh for not trusting me. After all I met om in the workplace right?

Badinage- it's over between me and om. He lied to me for years and I feel like a bitch knowing now that he had a wife and baby Dc all along living with him.
But dh wants to forgive and forget.
I'm frozen with fear at being on my own and totally regretting it.

Swallowed- dh has changed alot and if we work together he will change more into what I wanted.

Well that's my hope anyway.

My family are telling me to make it work too. The man is the backbone of the family. Apparently.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 11:50:30

You're prepared to sacrifice your earning potential and possibly your mental health for a relationship that it's beginning to sound as if you should have considered ending years ago?

You must make a decision for yourself here - not do what your DH tells you. The comment about his being unlikely to "allow" you to do things for years shows that you expect him to be controlling. Why on earth would you want that? What are the real barriers to your taking control of your own life? Can you even articulate what it is you want now?

Yes, it can be fraught and distressing for DCs if parents separate. But the question here is whether it is worse to be from a broken home, or to be in one. As you do not seem to be able to visualise a functioning relationship with DH in which you both get enough of what you want, it does not seem that staying under the same roof will deliver a healthy home life for any of you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now