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Am I within my rights to be furious?

(109 Posts)
Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 01:50:51

DH has gone out with friends tonight. I've not heard from him which is unusual as he would usually text to see how I am. I did text him about 10pm but got no response.

I text him again about 20 minutes after the last train got in and he still wasn't home. He knows that I can't sleep until he gets home after a night out for various reasons. I have literally just had a text to say he is staying over at a friends house.

I am fucking furious. Am I being unreasonable? I personally don't think this is on for a married man anyway but I am 6 months pregnant and have been under an incredible amount of stress this past 2 weeks due to family issues. I am now feeling too stressed and annoyed to sleep after already having been really ill this evening.

Oh he has just text again to say he has had a really bad week as though that makes it ok!

Jaynebxl Thu 25-Apr-13 19:14:18

Did he move out? Are you working things through with him. Thinking of you.

Autumn12 Thu 25-Apr-13 11:24:01

Once again Thanks to all of you who have been supportive and given some good advice. Things are being sorted out slowly after a lot of talking on both sides.

Toasttoppers Tue 23-Apr-13 15:51:29

I am guessing people saying oh let him out don't have a partner that goes AWOL and is a danger to themselves. If my DH went out this weekend I would not have those worries.

I also dislike drugs, I am not even keen on prescriptions . If he cannot be considerate you will either have to live with the stress or leave.

I do see behaviour like this as a refusal to grow up, if that makes me an old stick in the mud well so be it.

ladyjadie Tue 23-Apr-13 15:40:06

Autumn I read all your posts and I did feel for you, especially the night when he didn't come back. I think it was unfair of him to leave you hanging, and disrespectful of him too tbh. I also know what you mean about people being more coherent when on drugs as well as drink, from personal experience. Do you mind me asking how old you both are?

I would find it hard to forgive even if you weren't heavily pregnant, and his consequent behaviour on returning has been immature imo. It's a hard one to advise on though because I'm sure you don't want to leave him, it's just one of those things that you wish he just hadn't done because it hurt you and made you feel insignificant as you weren't worth thinking about on his 'boys night' and it's something that will probably play on your mind.

If you can if he's not too busy playing the wronged victim try to get him to see that he hurt you and made you feel like you didn't matter, when in reality he should be treating you like the most important thing in his life, because you are carrying his baby, and you need support all the more for this. I hope he listens, because if he doesn't I'm afraid he can only carry on treating you with disrespect, because in his mind you aren't worth more. Hope you're ok.

Pomegranatenoir Mon 22-Apr-13 22:44:08

autumn how are you doing?? Have you got some support around you? When I was going through rubbish times it helped me to be surrounded by friends and keep busy!!

bleedingheart Mon 22-Apr-13 12:53:31

The last hurrah thing is a crock of shit, like people having a ONS on their stag or hen night. You've made the commitment already!
He could've called you if he wanted to. When you live with a partner it is simple common decency to tell them if you won't be home.

Schnarkle Mon 22-Apr-13 12:27:37

Stick to your guns now, he's most definitely waiting for you to back down and forgive and forget again.

How many last hurrahs will he have before the baby comes?

My idiot ex had a one of many last hurrah the night before I was induced. He arrived in still drunk and over the course of the day went from drunk to severly hungover. His doting mother arrived with a change of clothes and a packed lunch for him because, god love him, he had a tough night.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 12:19:06

hmm

well done on calling his bluff

I don't understand this "last hurrah" thing before a baby comes, either. Does he look on having a baby as the end of his life ? Parents do still get to enjoy themselves on occasion, admittedly less than before.

But surely committing to having a baby with someone is a tacit agreement that your lives will inevitably move on a stage ?

There will be many more problems between you if one of you acknowledges that fact and has a shift in behaviour accordingly, and the other does not

Autumn12 Mon 22-Apr-13 12:13:26

I don't understand the "letting off steam" thing either really. Handling the stresses and strains of life is all a part of being a grown up isn't it? You can't just go and get fucked up whenever it gets a bit much and park your responsibilities until you feel like picking them up again.

He has emailed me this morning to say that he was irresponsible but felt that it was his last "hurrah" before the baby comes. That he has been bottling things up lately etc, etc.

Righly or wrongly I can't help but feel that he is responsible for his own feelings and dealing with them. I shouldn't have to try and drag things out of him to stop him from getting stressed and going off the rails.

I don't know what he is so stressed about anyway. But then I wouldn't if he hasn't talked to me. He has just come back off holiday and only worked a couple of days last week, he hasn't been shouldering the burden of my family problems either. So I don't know what is getting to him.

It might be the thought of a new baby but he is not the only one going through that. I am too, and any time I have mentioned that I will miss things about my current life he has made me feel like I am being really selfish and petty. I can't just go out and get pissed becuase I'm scared of the responsibility can I?

Anyway he has offered to find some temporary accomodation. I think he was expecting me to say don't be silly but I just said ok.

CinnabarRed Mon 22-Apr-13 08:44:13

TBH, I get the basic concept of letting off steam/letting your hair down - to me it's about letting go of your responsibilities for a few hours.

But

Only with prior agreement with whoever is shouldering those responsibilities in your absence and only within the limits agreed between you as reasonable.

I suppose you could say it should be able letting go of your responsibilities in a responsible manner.

VitoCorleone Sun 21-Apr-13 16:40:38

I dont understand the whole "let off steam" thing either.

Hissy Sun 21-Apr-13 16:15:36

((((Pomegranatenoir))) smile

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 16:15:28

This puzzles me too, Basil

You can "let off steam" and still be a considerate partner

I could have said to have "let off steam" last night at a rather raucous social event. It didn't make me undergo a personality change though, nor entitle me to treat my H as if he didn't matter.

BerylStreep Sun 21-Apr-13 16:05:19

Have you checked his phone?

BasilBabyEater Sun 21-Apr-13 15:50:26

I must admit I'm puzzled by this idea that a grown adult with adult responsibilities, needs to "let off steam".

What does that mean, please?

Does it mean reverting to teenage behaviour and treating your partner and/ or friends with no consideration or kindness, as if in fact they are not your partners at all?

Do grown adults need to do that every now and then?

Really?

Am really curious about this, am I misunderstanding what that phrase means?

MissLurkalot Sun 21-Apr-13 14:08:34

Ok, well catch up on that sleep you missed the other night. Chillax as much as you can... Early night. And then address it tomorrow.
Normal weekly routine can take over, and just try and find a way to really think what you want from all this.
Hopefully someone else will have some more constructive advice for you. Do keep us posted.

Autumn12 Sun 21-Apr-13 14:05:08

I'm not sure what my next move is. Currently I have asked him to stay out of my way as I do not want to be around him.

MissLurkalot Sun 21-Apr-13 13:56:50

OP, sorry to hear he's been even more if a twat, making the situation worse.

I understand cancelling MIL's visit.

I don't have much advice I'm afraid other than be strong and decide what your next move is going to be.

He's acting like a child. And that is not what you need.
Maybe it's time to start making ultimatums? x

nerofiend Sun 21-Apr-13 13:49:54

Haven't read the whole thread but I think you are right to be furious. You're entitled to feel like that, but obviously how you react or behave is a different matter.

Hard as it is, I think the best is to try to calm down. Go for a walk, have a bath, read a book, watch a good film etc

Once you're calm and can have a chat, try to tell him how you felt and why it's not on to be in a relationship/marriage and do something like that. How would he react if you did the same? Would be he be happy?It shows no respect IMO.

Try to establish the boundaries as early as you can. I had few similar incidents with my DH in the past, as he likes his drink with friends (no drugs, though) and now he has changed and hasn't done it in a very long time.

I don't mind him going out with friends, but he has to show some respect and tell me in advance what time he's planning to come home. Anything later than 12 or 1 am and would be furious too.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 13:35:42

What consequences are there going to be for him, love ?

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 21-Apr-13 13:34:58

I totally understand your reasons for not wanting MIL to visit.

What will you do now that he is refusing to see he has done anything wrong?

Autumn12 Sun 21-Apr-13 13:20:19

It's not supposed to be a consequence. I just don't want her here as I will then be forced to either pretend that we are ok and he will think he has got away with it, or else I will be made to look like I'm being difficult and sulky by not joining them in all of their outings.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 21-Apr-13 13:08:31

cancelling his mother's visit is not a real consequence.

Autumn12 Sun 21-Apr-13 12:44:22

Yes I definitely feel some people haven't read the thread and are just jumping on me as though I'm just not letting him go out.

It's not about that and I would love it if I had a normal husband who I could trust to go out and come back without having to worry, but I don't.

As an update he came back about midday yesterday and stayed in another room from me all day and evening. I've only just spoken to him and he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. Says he did text me but sent it to his mate instead which is just not good enough even if its true. Says he needs time to himself which is making me wonder if he hasn't engineered this situation to get out if his responsibilities this weekend.

I've told him to cancel his mothers visit next weekend as I'm not prepared to play happy families for her benefit and to just let him off the hook to keep the peace.

Rosehassometoes Sun 21-Apr-13 09:04:23

My experience
Ex husband
Would go out drink, not text. End up in hospital (several times), end up at police station, crash our car drink driving....
Never changed
Never listened
I became increasingly anxious and could not relax/sleep when he was out (understandably).
Other people said they didn't mind when their DHs went out/didn't clock watch etc. That is because their husbands were fundamentally different!!!
I tested his ability to change, left for a few weekends, laid the cards on the table. He wasn't capable of changing.....divorce.....immense relief, huge, enormous weight lifted.

Husband 2
Initially felt very anxious when he went out.
He understood why and maintained communication eg texting when coming home/if late/sometimes when out (Espfor reassurance initially).
Over the last 4 years the need for him to do this has reduced dramatically and I am now like all the women who say they don't mind at all what their DH does as I trust him completely.

This will cause some groans but have you googled psychopathic personality- it either will or won't chime got you...if it does I'd BEGIzn to consider going your own way.
Good luck

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