Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I within my rights to be furious?

(109 Posts)
Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 01:50:51

DH has gone out with friends tonight. I've not heard from him which is unusual as he would usually text to see how I am. I did text him about 10pm but got no response.

I text him again about 20 minutes after the last train got in and he still wasn't home. He knows that I can't sleep until he gets home after a night out for various reasons. I have literally just had a text to say he is staying over at a friends house.

I am fucking furious. Am I being unreasonable? I personally don't think this is on for a married man anyway but I am 6 months pregnant and have been under an incredible amount of stress this past 2 weeks due to family issues. I am now feeling too stressed and annoyed to sleep after already having been really ill this evening.

Oh he has just text again to say he has had a really bad week as though that makes it ok!

Chottie Sat 20-Apr-13 05:24:05

If you are still there, please make sure you are lying down with your feet up, so even if you are not sleeping you are getting some rest. Sorry - it's the mum in me coming out!

wongadotmom Sat 20-Apr-13 05:29:57

YANBU you are not over reacting at all. He should be supporting you and putting you first not adding to the stress you are going through with your family. I would tell him to get the train home right now or don't come back at all. And he should not be on a night out if he is so skint. Are you stuck at home with DC?

TenBitSailor Sat 20-Apr-13 05:30:13

Well...

I think you are not unreasonable to be annoyed that he hasn't let you know where he is, but you would be unreasonable if you were to not allow him nights out if he wants them, especially given you will very soon find this impossible with a baby.

If you know he's OK and are just cross, you just need to get over it for now and go to sleep, there's no point being a martyr.

If you think he's a prick, why are you with him?

CheerfulYank Sat 20-Apr-13 05:32:11

I don't mind if DH bunks at his brother's or a friend's after a bender (because it's very rare) but if I can't get ahold of him I go total fucking nuclear.

We all have our limits.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 05:46:37

He is allowed to have nights out but staying out all night is not on and I've made that very clear in the past. Due to past bad behaviour by him when drinking I can't relax until he is home and he knows this full well. Too many nights wondering where he is and if he is in a ditch somewhere. II thought he had finally grown up.

We are also skint right now and can't afford for him to have gone out drinking all night. I didn't say anything though. He can't really handle alcohol and it renders him insensible. The fact that he has been sending me texts up until about ten mins ago that make perfect sense leads me to conclude he has been taking drugs tonight. That makes him a prick in my book at the best of times let alone when he has a 6 months pregnant wife at home.

For what it's worth I'd be pretty angry

You're pregnant, you're in a LT relationship together & it's a tad bachelor-ish, and he knows how you feel about it.

I know plenty of people don't care about things like this but you do & he knows it. That's where the real issue is in all this, isn't it?

(And like you've said, he's not under the thumb! You don't mind him going out...just not taking the piss & being so irresponsible about it)

BasilBabyEater Sat 20-Apr-13 08:10:39

Yes you're within your rights.

It's about boundaries and habits isn't it.

Some people might have no problem with this and if that's OK with them, that's fine.

But you as a couple have clearly been caused huge issues by this sort of behaviour in the past and so that's why it's an issue for you.

It sounds to me like you have a nagging doubt that you can't rely on him to be an equal responsible adult with you and he's just made that doubt stronger by crossing this line.

I'm so sorry. sad

Try and get some rest and do something relaxing and enjoyable. Easier said than done, I know.

P.S If I were you I wouldn't be there when he got back (partly because I'd end up exploding at him the second he came through the door). Just go and do something nice. You've been under lots of stress lately so just go and potter about town, have a coffee somewhere, watch a film, go to a friend's/family members for a catch up. Anything that will take your mind off it, get you out the house & maybe help you release a bit of stress yourself.

You can deal with the git him later! smile

Helltotheno Sat 20-Apr-13 08:22:12

Well what are you going to do about it op? There's no point in ranting and raving, that'll do nobody any good, least of all you. Kick him out and tell him to take a month to think about what he wants. . No contact during that time. That should focus his mind either way. Tell him you won't put up with it when the baby is here so he'd better step up or step away.

He'll keep doing this, in fact you going on rants about it will make the behaviour worse. Start as you mean to go on, otherwise you're just looking at a life of drudge living with a manchild.

redskynight Sat 20-Apr-13 08:22:50

If this is a one off or unusual you are a bit unreasonable, however from what you said He has form for drinking too much and not coming back when he says you need to think very carefully about your boundaries and tell him what you are willing to put up with and what will happen if the behaviour continues, and go through with it.

You say he is spending money you don't have, that is just unacceptable.

You need to consider what you will do if this continues when you have your child. It is immensely stressful to be sitting at home with a baby while your partner continues to spend money and party like it is 1999. If you can't reply on him to be an adult, think very carefully about giving up your job if that is something you have thought of.

Longdistance Sat 20-Apr-13 08:30:32

I agree, pack a bag, its not on the way he's behaving.
How would he feel if you went out on a bender, and decided to kip at your friends house (pre pg of course), I doubt he'd be too happy about it.
When he turns up, don't start arguing with him, put his packed bag in his hand, and show him the door!

He does need to understand that it's not something he can keep doing, just expecting a bit of a telling off from you then it'll blow over or it will keep happening. Sorry.

That's why I thought you should leave him to it today & actively try to show him just how unacceptable you find this, otherwise he probably won't take it very seriously hmm

(and the fact he's done this whilst you're vulnerable yourself, being pregnant & needing his support, is quite bad & would make me rethink everything. You need that like a hole in the head right now)

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:59:22

Thanks for all of the replies. I managed to get 2 hours sleep before being woken up by my cats walking over me. I feel awful today headachey, sick and shaky. I think driving is out or else I would head to my mothers.

I may head into town later but will see how I feel. I've no idea what time he will bother to come home and frankly I don't know if I want to feel forced out if my own home to avoid him.

Whoever said he has behaved like a bachelor is totally right. He has a married friend who has a baby and still does whatever he likes. That guys wife is fine with it but I am not. He knows this too. I also wonder if he would've told me his plans if I hadn't been texting to see where he was. If he had told me of his own accord that he wasn't coming home maybe I wouldn't have been so annoyed.

CuChullain Sat 20-Apr-13 09:00:57

"The fact that he has been sending me texts up until about ten mins ago that make perfect sense leads me to conclude he has been taking drugs tonight."

Yep, bomb proof evidence!

Can your mum come to you? Or a friend?

He knows this is an issue for you & it's going to keep being an issue for you unless he sorts it or you leave or change what you want (which is nearly impossible & shouldn't have to happen anyway). So you have two options really.

And he needs to realize that it really is that serious

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:04:46

I'm not sure whether you are being sarcastic or not. When my DH drinks he becomes incomprehensible. Any texts he sends are garbled and usually make no sense. This is not the case if he takes cocaine. I know this from our dating days when he used to be a regular user.

So yes the fact that he was sending texts between 3 and 5 am that we're understandable is a big red flag to me.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:11:04

No we don't live anywhere near anyone we know anymore since we moved. My mum wouldn't come even if she could as she has her own stuff going on . My best friend is abroad, another is going through her own nightmare and the other is busy. I don't have any other friends I could call on that live in the UK.

He may not even come home until this afternoon anyway. I've told him not to bother coming home at all so he may use that as an excuse to stay at his mates all day. It suits me right now as I really can't be arsed with him. I don't want to hear how he "needed" a night with his friends as he is soooo stressed out. I have no idea what he possibly has to be stressed out about. It's just a pathetic excuse. I have been majorly stressed out, what would he do if I decided to stay out all night and get fucked up?

He needs to understand that this isn't acceptable to you & that he's risking a lot right now.

Surely getting out of the house would make a difference? Even if it's to get 5 mins fresh air, a few endorphins going & to clear your head?

It sounds like he doesn't realize how serious this is btw OP?

If I were you I'd explain to him later that it is serious enough to make you reconsider staying in this situation. Then you can make a judgement call based on his reaction/actions in the next few days.

It may be worth calling time & taking a break. You've got so much else going on & don't really need this on top. Maybe just stay somewhere else for a bit. No contact with him etc?

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 09:19:06

you know marriage is give and take and compromise. Getting exceptionally worked up and shouting isn't helping is it ?

Do you want to be married to this man? you don't sound like you like him very much ... if you do, but only if he stops X or Y then tell him that. Calmly. and mean it. If you just want to shout at him, he will shut down and carry on, because despite all your shouting you don't intend to DO anything about it.

Thingiebob Sat 20-Apr-13 09:20:20

So the OP went out then texted his wife to say he was staying at a friends house and some of you are suggesting she packs his bags for him...?!

If she was at home with a newborn/kids then I understand why she would be angry if this wasn't a prior arrangement but now, in the last few months before the baby arrives? Or am I missing stuff.

^ Agree with being calm. As angry as you feel, people don't take it in when they're in a 'defensive' mode & are much more likely to take you seriously if you're very calm about it. As hard as it may be!

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:21:32

How have I shouted at him? I haven't even seen him since yesterday morning.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now