When is this hell going to end?

[diamondsnotforever]

Really don't want to turn this post into a long-winded saga (which I suppose it is) so will try and keep it brief. I have posted before and found amazing support, but apologies for any repetition.

Every time I feel like I am making progress, and coping, and moving on, I get another piece of the jigsaw and I am finding it increasingly hard to keep strong and not break.

My H left me and our DCs almost a year ago, making ridiculous and unfounded allegations and telling me that he no longer loved me and we endured a very difficult few months. He accused me of being unfaithful and was often angry. He totally detached from me and our family emotionally which I found very hard to deal with.

But I did the best I could, took DCs on holiday by myself, redecorated, had counselling which helped enormously, tried to keep strong and I feel proud of the way I managed.

At the end of last year, he asked me to reconcile, and giving him the benefit of the doubt we had counselling together, which was a disaster, he had no intention really of making any changes, stayed angry, grumpy, unhappy and made ridiculous demands I refused to agree to. Fortunately, I didn't let him move back in at any point, because the subsequent upheaval was damaging enough for DCs as it was :-(

I then find out that he has an Adultwork account, I confront him and he lies - repeatedly. Over and over again. We separate, sort out finances and a few months in I am doing ok, DCs are remarkably well-adjusted, not seeing much of him but coping, and we are happy as a unit.

Then on Tuesday this week, I find out completely by accident that he and OW (whose existence he has always denied) are about to buy a house together. I have no idea how long they have been together. I have no idea what the hell is going on. I feel shattered.

I honestly don't know how much more I can take. How many times am I going to have to be on the receiving end of this sort of body-blow? Why does it still hurt so much? I don't think it is so much about the fact that there is OW but by the fact that I just feel like my whole marriage has been a sham, one big lie and I don't know how many more times I am going to have to haul myself through.

I don't want to be with him. Ever. So why does it still really hurt? Is it ever going to end? I feel broken - again. And I just don't know what to do.

[DaydreamDolly]

It's the rejection. It stings. I am in a similar position and I would never take him back but it hurts like mad that he has chosen someone else over me and the DC's.
The only advice I have is that time is a healer. There's no other way to be 'over' something than over time.
Sorry you're going through this.

[CognitiveOverload]

It does hurt. But you're moving on. It's going to be painful but you can and are doing it.

[TurnipCake]

It hurts because you're a loving person who gave your heart to someone who was reckless with it.

I know you won't feel like it now, but the OW has done you a massive favour by taking this idiot out of your hands. She now gets to play house with a cruel, manipulative piece of work.

It will get better, really. Time to heal and focus on yourself and your children. You did it before when you started to rebuild your life, and you can do it again.

[CutMyFringe]

Thank god you didn't take the bastard back at any point. It hurts because he deceived you, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this bit at least he's history.

[CutMyFringe]

*but

[diamondsnotforever]

Thank you for replies. It helps to set it all out for some reason.

I hear you though - time, time, and more time, yes?

[CognitiveOverload]

Yes unfortunately time. But you can fill the time with stuff that contributes to yoir wellbeing rather than his rubbish.

[skyebluesapphire]

It is the rejection and the hurt and the thoughts of how could he, why did he, how long was he, etc etc. my XH also made lots of unfounded allegations and walked out suddenly. He was communicating with his best mates wife behind my back, I later discovered. Even then I still wanted him back :(

I understand how you feel, because I tortured myself for hours - he said he hadn't loved me for some time, but couldnt pinpoint when it started (gave me the usual lovely card at Christmas etc, but claimed to have been unhappy for years). You then begin to doubt everything, every memory, every holiday, every family event, you think was he unhappy then, why didnt I see it, how could he hide it, etc etc etc. The thing is - they make up this stuff so that they can leave with a clear mind, ie, its not their fault, its all yours.

Your H was probably seeing OW when he made his announcement, it is all part of the routine that they go through.

Now, I would not have XH back, but I still want my life to go back to what it was before any of this happened.

So yes, time, time and more time, is the only thing that heals. Hopefully now, this is the last body blow that you will get (although possibly he could have kids with somebody else, thats the one thing that I dread hearing).

People keep telling me, look after yourself, be happy in yourself and only then will you be at peace with yourself and your ex.

[WinkyWinkola]

You sound so strong and powerful. You've really come so far all by yourself. Your dcs will really admire you.

It's a shock to find out yet more deceit about your life though. Of course it hurts.

Take comfort that he cannot do more to hurt you about the past. He's done his worst and you're already past so much of it. You didn't capitulate to his silly demands when he wanted to reconcile.

I think you're doing amazingly well. Feel sorry for his current partner who has to live with him.

[diamondsnotforever]

I don't feel like I'm doing well. I feel absolutely and totally devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick constantly and I can't seem to stop sobbing. I just feel like I've been floored by it, and this time I can't get back up.

I suppose I always thought it would never come to this. And the way that I found out - by total accident - has really hurt me. He didn't tell me, he didn't have the balls to explain what he was doing, continued to send me nasty emails all this time complaining if he didn't get his way about something and he has tried to shaft me (and his children) by lying about his financial intentions.

It's been bad before, but this is something else. And I wish I could get a grip. I just can't. Two years of hurt, pent-up pain and emotion have run me over like a freight train.

[cozietoesie]

You actually are getting a grip - you're coming here to talk about it for instance, doing everyday stuff, looking out for the DCs.......

It feels bad as bad but you'll get through it again. Just imagine if he had actually moved back in and how you would feel right now if that was the case. You'll work it out, bleak though it may seem.

[TheFallenNinja]

Time for sure, but, don't take too much time, remember you did nothing wrong. Why should your future be on hold for a great length of time. Grieve / get angry / get sad but don't allow it to hold you back for long.

[diamondsnotforever]

But the problem is that I can't picture a future which is anything other than me being on my own. I am doing the best for my DCs but I really don't want less than permanent relationships dipping into their lives and I just can't imagine anyone ever wanting to be with me. I want a solid family unit which I just don't see that I am ever going to be able to get.

And that's what hurts. It is so, so much harder for me to move on, whereas he has lived the single life for the last twelve months with no ties or responsibilities, doing what the hell he wants, betraying me and his kids, and had it so easy. Ad still he couldn't tell me.

I have been by myself for a year now, and honestly I was doing fine - I have no real idea why I feel so totally wrecked. But I do.

[cozietoesie]

You're having a bad blip. You get them - and they're made worse at times when you think you've been doing well. You can start to think 'I've made no progress here - I'm just back at the beginning again'.

But yet you have made progress - you have a life, you have your wonderful DCs, things gradually improve. When you get a blip, just acknowledge it as such, grit your teeth and do the everyday stuff to get on through it. It will seem better by the end of the week - or even before when you suddenly find yourself grinning or laughing at something.

Don't despair.

[diamondsnotforever]

Thanks cozietoesie, just needed a hand to hold I guess, so thank you.

[cozietoesie]

Always hand to hold here, diamonds, especially because we've many of us been where you are. If you're low, just read or come on to the board. It will help a lot.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Definitely a blip. It's very tempting to compare your life with his and think that you came out of it worse. My exH appears to have gone from strength to strength since he left and, even though I have had no contact with him for years (we didn't have children), I hear enough on the grapevine to know that he has a nice family, doing well in his career, lives at a posh address etc ... So much for Karma, eh? :) All you can do is work on making your new life as good as possible for yourself and your DCs. Don't think about him more than you have to, resist the temptation to look over your shoulder and make comparisons and don't think that being single is the end of the world. Every day is a victory.

[maidmarian2012]

Sorry to be so blunt OP, but just let him be someone elses problem! He will no doubt be a miserable git with her too.

Concentrate on yourself and DCs. x

[piratecat]

when you hear something new it floors you, as you said.

In a few weeks time you get your head round it and carry on and then you think 'fuck you you crazy arse'.

x

[fromparistoberlin]

I think you have done amazingly OP, just from reading

you have hit a big blip and a big slump

what you said earlier, time, time and time

and 10000000000000% agree with who said upathread that OW has done you a favour, he can mind-fuck her now. leoprads dont change their spots

I am sorry you feel shit, and hope you get your zoom back

[akaWisey]

Handholding OP

A year isn't that long. The next year will be the one in which these surprises will hurt less, seem more about him than about you and him iyswim.

Speaking from (painful) experience I can guarantee you that once you realise you're at the stage whereby your thoughts about the future aren't tainted by the past, what he does/doesn't do won't matter any more.

By then I don't think you'll be worrying about being desirable to someone else. You'll be much, much pickier about who DESERVES to have YOU in their lives.

[gettingeasiernow]

When it was me (many years ago) what confused me more than anything was just how taken in I'd been by such an enormous great liar with so many mahooosive personality problems. I was just knocked sideways about how much I had loved someone who just didn't deserve any of it. The cruelty of it. And I was so reluctant to believe that he really was as bad as he really was. It just shakes your whole foundation, sends you reeling.
But..... I can promise you that if you just keep doing what you think is probably the right thing to do, little steps at a time, you and your children will end up fine - balanced, happy and self-confident. It may take a while, but you'll get there, so just hang in!

[diamondsnotforever]

Thank you all for the hand holding. I feel a bit more in control tonight, so thank you - I have taken some difficult steps today which have made me feel more in control of the situation and less in a spiralling sort of limbo, difficult as they were . . . I am only just realising how manipulated I have been

Gettingeasiernow, what you say has really struck a chord. It is that, exactly that. I have made excuses, kept the door open, for so long thinking it would never come to this - and it is a shock to feel like this. I don't recognise him and can't reconcile him with the man I married.

But the DCs are perfect, my world. And I get to spend every day with them, for which I am so thankful.

[happyfreeconfused]

You get good and bad days don't you? Like someone here just said, you hear something, it shocks you, it hurts you, then you kind of adjust to it over a couple of weeks. Then you feel strong again. It is still early days for you (same amount of time as me.) I still get the tearful moments from nowhere. Up down, up down. It is part of the process I think.