Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???(576 Posts)
I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.
This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.
Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.
For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?
But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?
Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.
So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.
I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.
I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.
I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.
Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger
So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?
I won't lie, money is extremely tight, always too much month left at the end of the wage, am in debt up to my eyes, driving a car that has the engine warning light on and can't afford to get it looked at BUT I would rather be broke and happy and seeing how content my DC are - no money in the world can compare to that!
Well done, lady. Really, really well done.
You have more Christian charity in your heart than I ever would have. Helped him get a good job! This is the man who pestered you for sex and tried to rape you.
Still, it must all feel really worth it, most especially now you have a new beau to think about. Nice!
All the best to you
It's so good to hear your update. So much for 'could never do any better'! You clearly did, in every respect
<-- a toast to you
(I posted under a slightly different NN on this thread )
Thank you. When I look at my DC and how they have grown as individuals, I know the choices I made were the right ones.
Reading from the beginning of the thread, I really cannot believe I am that person.
I still have strength and confidence to build on but I am such a different person to who wrote this thread 18 months ago.
MN was my crutch at that time and I couldn't have got through without it, so thank you to everyone that supported and encouraged me.
I lurked while your thread was active. Congratulations on your new and fulfilling life, it's good to see such a positive update - thank you
I've just caught up with your thread and it's wonderful to see that you're happy, successful and doing well!
Hi there, not sure whether anyone remembers me but just thought I would post an update.
It's been a year since me and DC moved out and started out new life.
DC are doing fantastic and I am so proud of them. Both working really hard and doing great at school.
For me I too am doing great. I am in a new relationship with a great guy, kids get in great with him, so we'll see how things turn out. He's a lot younger than me, which I never thought I would find myself in this position, but I have no real expectations about the future, he's great with DC and we get on really well.
Work is good, really busy and I've been lucky to change my hours slightly so I finish at 4 every day, then log in from home to finish my last hour in the evenings, which works well as my boss is based in the US.
Mother? Well we talk, I text a few times a week to check they are ok but Ex still very much a part of their lives so I'm keeping a safe distance.
Ex? He's not being a very great dad. He's distancing himself, from the kids which is sad to see, the kids know it, but I can only be here for them. He has had sleepovers 5 times in the last year, so social life for me is based very much on the kids, so I don't get much time to myself. I helped him get a good job but he's forever moaning. I struggle to get the pittance out of him every month. I need a kick up the backside to sort things financially once and for all, I know that. I'm angry that he takes them out to buy stupid rubbish toys then to take the money off the kids, sends them home hungry when he's had them for a few hours, then complains he has money - yet earns £25k a year and still lives with his parents?!
Frustrating yes, but have learnt to smile sweetly and walk away when he drops the kids off - I am in control of my own future and I am in such a better place now than I have been for the last three-four years.
I haven't seen my parents, a few texts but nothing major. Ex has been taking the kids to see them, so they have had no reason to bother with me.
I love the DC so much, just wish I had someone special to spend Xmas with too. I feel like a machine at the moment. Does that make sense?
You're strong and a great mother, your parents could have done so much more to help, now you get to see them on your terms or not at all. Often a sense of pressure at this time of year but what matters most is you have coped, your children are adapting but secure.
So much of life is going to be new and different, please don't worry Christmas is going to be an ordeal. See it through your DCs' eyes, take it easy, enjoy their excitement.
Its all just the reality of being alone I think, although when I think about it, I've always done everything for Christmas, bought all the presents, I've always done the new pjs for Xmas eve, putting food out for the reindeer etc. I'll make it special for the kids, they will probably spend a few hours with their dad, I just need to find something to make that time go quickly.
I think its not seeing my parents I think I will find hard.
OTM, don't dread Christmas. Start planning some new traditions for you and the kids. Like a film and hot chocolate with marshmallows before bed on Christmas eve, or making mince pies together for father Christmas and cutting up some carrots for the reindeer or making gingerbread decorations for the tree.
Hello OTM, no kicking, just wanted to say hey. Is there anything specific you're dreading, that could be broken down into bits you can manage the idea of more easily? Start a new tradition that will help? I'm giving my daughter (3yo) Christmas pyjamas, a Christmas DVD & a little bit of choc as a Christmas Eve present, so Christmas Eve we'll do all those things - I want to make it something she remembers & looks forward to every year!
Dreading Christmas someone kick me up the arse?!
They love school club! Always coming home happy and exhausted
I'm made up a list of holidays, I've put a list of when i expect to take time off and a list of when he "could" take time with them and then we'll go from there. Any time he can't have them, they will go to a holiday club and we will split the cost. All still very much in the air. He isn't working at the moment, but is hoping to start in January, so we shall see.
I haven't responded to DM, I still have nothing to say.
Sounds like a hectic week; car aside, all good. The DCs still enjoying after school club? Term gets more frenetic, the closer to Christmas. Have you worked out yet how you'll arrange their time between you and their father during the school holidays?
Hard to see how you could possibly participate more effectively as their parent. I thought it wouldn't be long before your M contacted you.
New sofas are arriving tomorrow afternoon - our new home is taking shape!
Just had a random text from DM, asking how we are and saying that she doesn't want to argue any more.
I wasn't aware that we were arguing, just not conversing
Christmas is going to be tight this year, but I've bought them stuff they asked for that I know they really want. However I am proud that this is the first time ever I haven't used my credit card to buy their presents
Nearly finished their stockings and have a little left over to buy them a couple of little bits.
No we actually agree on the DC if nothing else. They will reside with me but h will have as close to 50% as he can manage once he moves from his parents house. He is apparently not agreeing the draft petition as he doesn't want any money from me and doesn't agree with the comment "participate more effectively" as a parent as he knows I have always been primary carer.
I had a text from DM thanking me for some photos I sent to them via H, I never replied. I have nothing to say.
Poxy weather this morning.
Means to an end, means to an end. That's about the only thing I can think of to comfort you right now. He'll have to embellish the UB in order to assure it happens and ensure he's seen as the put upon. You get your divorce and can dance off into the sunset.
Or is he making a case for full PR?
Sorry for rubbish editing. Oh, any word from your mum?
Tiresome about the car, and ex is telling fairy stories about his parenting role. I have was actually thinking prior to your post, well, he seems to have dropped the notion you left him for some fancy man you had tucked away. Ach well he was never going to give in with good grace. Hope your week gets better.
Never felt so hurt! H gave me his draft petition, cos he apparently doesn't understand it and I quote:
"petitioner alleges respondent worked a night shift and as a result, he felt he was, more often than not, the primary carer for the children of the marriage and he felt respondent should participate more actively."
He never did a school run in his life before October this year! And it does say anything the times I came home from work to find him pissed
And breathe ............
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.