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Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???

(568 Posts)
Overtiredmum Thu 18-Apr-13 19:41:19

I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.

This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.

Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.

For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?

But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?

Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.

So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.

I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.

I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.

I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.

Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger sad

So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?

Overtiredmum Wed 11-Dec-13 18:03:50

Thank you.

I haven't seen my parents, a few texts but nothing major. Ex has been taking the kids to see them, so they have had no reason to bother with me.

I love the DC so much, just wish I had someone special to spend Xmas with too. I feel like a machine at the moment. Does that make sense?

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Wed 11-Dec-13 13:55:45

You're strong and a great mother, your parents could have done so much more to help, now you get to see them on your terms or not at all. Often a sense of pressure at this time of year but what matters most is you have coped, your children are adapting but secure.

So much of life is going to be new and different, please don't worry Christmas is going to be an ordeal. See it through your DCs' eyes, take it easy, enjoy their excitement.

Overtiredmum Wed 11-Dec-13 13:44:42

Its all just the reality of being alone I think, although when I think about it, I've always done everything for Christmas, bought all the presents, I've always done the new pjs for Xmas eve, putting food out for the reindeer etc. I'll make it special for the kids, they will probably spend a few hours with their dad, I just need to find something to make that time go quickly.

I think its not seeing my parents I think I will find hard.

LadyMercy Wed 11-Dec-13 13:24:20

OTM, don't dread Christmas. Start planning some new traditions for you and the kids. Like a film and hot chocolate with marshmallows before bed on Christmas eve, or making mince pies together for father Christmas and cutting up some carrots for the reindeer or making gingerbread decorations for the tree.

GenevievePettigrew Wed 11-Dec-13 08:40:33

Hello OTM, no kicking, just wanted to say hey. Is there anything specific you're dreading, that could be broken down into bits you can manage the idea of more easily? Start a new tradition that will help? I'm giving my daughter (3yo) Christmas pyjamas, a Christmas DVD & a little bit of choc as a Christmas Eve present, so Christmas Eve we'll do all those things - I want to make it something she remembers & looks forward to every year!

Overtiredmum Wed 11-Dec-13 08:33:29

Dreading Christmas sad someone kick me up the arse?!

Overtiredmum Fri 15-Nov-13 14:33:49

They love school club! Always coming home happy and exhausted grin

I'm made up a list of holidays, I've put a list of when i expect to take time off and a list of when he "could" take time with them and then we'll go from there. Any time he can't have them, they will go to a holiday club and we will split the cost. All still very much in the air. He isn't working at the moment, but is hoping to start in January, so we shall see.

I haven't responded to DM, I still have nothing to say.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 15-Nov-13 12:14:39

Sounds like a hectic week; car aside, all good. The DCs still enjoying after school club? Term gets more frenetic, the closer to Christmas. Have you worked out yet how you'll arrange their time between you and their father during the school holidays?

Hard to see how you could possibly participate more effectively as their parent. I thought it wouldn't be long before your M contacted you.

Overtiredmum Fri 15-Nov-13 12:03:04

New sofas are arriving tomorrow afternoon - our new home is taking shape!

Overtiredmum Fri 15-Nov-13 12:02:31

Just had a random text from DM, asking how we are and saying that she doesn't want to argue any more.

I wasn't aware that we were arguing, just not conversing grin

Overtiredmum Wed 13-Nov-13 18:05:36

Christmas is going to be tight this year, but I've bought them stuff they asked for that I know they really want. However I am proud that this is the first time ever I haven't used my credit card to buy their presents smile

Nearly finished their stockings and have a little left over to buy them a couple of little bits.

Overtiredmum Tue 12-Nov-13 08:08:13

No we actually agree on the DC if nothing else. They will reside with me but h will have as close to 50% as he can manage once he moves from his parents house. He is apparently not agreeing the draft petition as he doesn't want any money from me and doesn't agree with the comment "participate more effectively" as a parent as he knows I have always been primary carer.

I had a text from DM thanking me for some photos I sent to them via H, I never replied. I have nothing to say.

Poxy weather this morning.

Terrortree Tue 12-Nov-13 00:09:47

Means to an end, means to an end. That's about the only thing I can think of to comfort you right now. He'll have to embellish the UB in order to assure it happens and ensure he's seen as the put upon. You get your divorce and can dance off into the sunset.

Or is he making a case for full PR?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 12-Nov-13 00:08:54

Sorry for rubbish editing. Oh, any word from your mum?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 12-Nov-13 00:06:58

Tiresome about the car, and ex is telling fairy stories about his parenting role. I have was actually thinking prior to your post, well, he seems to have dropped the notion you left him for some fancy man you had tucked away. Ach well he was never going to give in with good grace. Hope your week gets better.

Overtiredmum Mon 11-Nov-13 21:20:43

* doesn't say

Overtiredmum Mon 11-Nov-13 21:19:34

Never felt so hurt! H gave me his draft petition, cos he apparently doesn't understand it and I quote:

"petitioner alleges respondent worked a night shift and as a result, he felt he was, more often than not, the primary carer for the children of the marriage and he felt respondent should participate more actively."


He never did a school run in his life before October this year! And it does say anything the times I came home from work to find him pissed confused

And breathe ............

Overtiredmum Mon 11-Nov-13 08:59:55

Flipping car has died and I know it's going to cost a fortune to put right, along with the cost of hiring a car confused Living in the countryside I'm stuck without a car, but I won't let it beat me xx

perfectview Sat 09-Nov-13 08:57:15

Haven't got time to read the whole thread but I think a lot of mums of a certain generation are so amazed that the father 'helps' with childcare when they had to totally go it alone that they can't understand how you could be so 'ungrateful' as to turn your nose up.

He is doing what needs to be done as equal parent to keep your family functioning and therefore doesn't deserve a medal. There is still such an unconscious sexism to the way a lot of us perceive male/ female domestic and parenting roles.

Still if DH is feeling like he is doing you a massive favour you need to call him on it.

Overtiredmum Sat 09-Nov-13 08:32:53

Trust me, I would never put my children in that position. I would never stop DC from seeing their grandparents but I went let her manipulate them.

Honestly what on earth have I got to say sorry for?!! grin

Received letter from H solicitor yesterday. I am to be divorced on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour. Strangely, I felt nothing but relief to receive the letter. I just hope now it will be straightforward with no bitch fight, for the DC's sake. I am seeking that DC spend as close as possible to equal time with both of us. He has actually admitted that us separating has made him step-up as a dad, so that's good, yes?


Terrortree Sat 09-Nov-13 00:54:15

Can I just ask that you don't use your children to communicate on your behalf?

Sadly, you can't stop your mother doing that - your children shouldn't be treated as carrier pigeons, so please don't respond to her via them as it'll only encourage her.

On the other hand, aren't you doing great! It's so pleasing to read. Best wishes for the future.

Overtiredmum Fri 08-Nov-13 22:06:06

Bumping smile

Overtiredmum Fri 08-Nov-13 20:34:47

DS came home with a message from her tonight. She will come and see me, once I say sorry to HER?! grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 08-Nov-13 17:54:57

I have 'lurked' on your thread occasionally, you've come so far from that first post in April, you should be proud of yourself.

Your 'D'M is opinionated and is quick to blame you for any ongoing difficulties. She still openly champions your H and holds grudges when you stand up for yourself.

A long time ago on your thread a poster called WhereYouLeftIt succinctly explained her actions:
you staying in a bad marriage validates her decision to stay in hers.

Since then you have made a huge decision and taken a brave step.

Your decisions are what's best for you and your sanity. Don't be side-swiped by your M's negativity.

Overtiredmum Fri 08-Nov-13 17:24:35

Why why why do I never learn???

I text my DM last night, thought I'd extend the olive branch one last time. I asked her if she would like to come and see the DC and their new home. I got the response that "Maybe soon. I am uncomfortable around you, when the children ask why nanny broke mummy's heart"!

I said not to worry, H was planning to visit and that yes, she had broken my heart. To which I got told to "Get real. Take responsibility for your actions. The past is gone. Stop blaming others to ease your own guilt. We have our own problems thank you. I hope you are happy now."

I spent the whole train journey home crying. I think realistically its made me realise that we can have no relationship, certainly not for the foreseeable future. But what makes it worse is knowing H is there with the DC tonight have f*&king dinner with them?! sad

Someone kick me up the backside please!??

OTM xxx

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